How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

Hi OP, my best friend is so like you it isn't funny, so I'll say what I say to her on a daily basis .

Part of being an adult is managing your own boundaries. This woman is an acquaintance not family or even a close friend. You need to clearly state NO - with no pretend excuses or justifications. If you're that worried about social media, block her posts from your news feed, or delete it (best decision I've every made FYI). Time to grow some ovaries gal.

"Hi x. As previously mentioned you will be unable to stay. This is not personal and this decision will not change. By not respecting our decision you are making me feel very uncomfortable and I will not respond to any further texts about staying at or camping outside our home. If you choose to stay at an air bnb or camp ground, I would love to meet you out for dinner, and spend time for the kids to catch up."

Oh I like that @YellowMonday

Would be very interested i you got a reply at all from your telling her no.

She is no friend. Either block or unfollow on FB so you don’t see her PA posts and by all means tell your friend how horrid the last visit was and how you’re being pressured now so she knows the full story.

If she’s doing this to you for a winter holiday, you could probably be sure she does this to others for a summer holiday too.

Hi friend. I really don’t want anyone coming into my home even if you think it’s only the odd shower. My family time is precious to me. You are more than welcome to book a air bnb And if I’ve got time we can meet up for a drink . Good bye x

No cause you just know the accommodation would fall through and the op would still be left with her.

Good luck OP! I can't believe how cheeky she has been !

Definitely work on your assertiveness and maintaining your boundaries OP. You have nothing to feel bad about if she doesn’t respond well.

I don’t think you,ll get a reply

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Hello, Sorry, it doesn’t work for us. X

‘Why not love?’

🙈

I just wouldn't reply.

I hope she reads this thread. She can’t say that she’ll only be parked on the drive and not in the way and then in the same breath say she can’t stay at a campsite as she can’t manage the kids and needs your free baby sitting services. Hopefully when she posts on Facebook one of her friends will recognise her CFery

Personally i just wouldn't reply to her

Has she replied?

People are truly mental, honestly the cf-ery of some folk baffles me!

@Whitchurch

Pretty much every suggested reply I'm reading here gives her a loophole. So here's my suggestion - you're not sorry so don't say you are and you don't need to make up lies as excuses. You also don't need to say anything that suggests another time might be fine. Why you're worrying about upsetting someone who is fully aware that they took the piss last time I don't know... how about - Hi X, apologies if I've misled you in any way. As far as we are concerned it didn't really work last time you all came and stayed in your van (or as it turned out much of the time in our house). So we have decided that it won't work for us again. Obviously it will be nice to meet up at some point if you come up this way to stay elsewhere.

Then whatever she comes back with you just shut it down with brief replies. "I understand you don't think you spent much time in the house, however it didn't work for us and we don't want to do it again". "Great that you're looking forward to a holiday however when you came to us it didn't work for us and we don't want to do it again".

I agree with this. Type it and press SEND OP.

awww but we really want to see you! Just let us know the days you don’t see anyone there and we’ll come then.

Look. I hardly know you and you've already stayed here once. I have been very patient with your repeated requests to further impinge on my time with my husband and our family. You seem to be ignoring the fact that we do not want you to stay, so here it is in black and white - You and your family need to find somewhere else to stay. You are not welcome to pitch up here and take over my home again.

^try this? and post it or similar on FB too so everyone sees you have already been on the receiving end of one of her visits.

You have no option but to be blunt and rude now, I'm afraid, OP, because this CF just isn't getting the message you want conveyed. Harsh as it sounds, sometimes for our own MH, it's vital to cut they off at the knees.

"[X]. No. You will not be camping on my property this December or at any time before/after that. Your childcare is not my responsibility. Nor is it my nanny's. Please stop begging for me to change my plans to accommodate you - not only is it undignified on your part, but it's not going to happen on mine. Your family was rude and invasive the last time you set up on our driveway, and I find it incredible that you would have the nerve to ask for a repeat performance. This is my final word on the subject. Any further demands on your part will be construed as harassment and treated accordingly."

It's very harsh, I know - or blunt, even - but sometimes (most times) that's all they seem to understand. If she's entitled and arrogant (which I suspect she may be) then the use of the word/term "begging" will work in your favour. Because it will offend her - and she'll back off, in theory. Also, there's a veiled threat that you might seek legal redress against her, thus embarrassing/humiliating her. It could work, @PutTheCakeDOWN. I hope it does, for your family's sake.

She won’t stay anywhere else as she needs help with the kids

This is exactly why you should say No.

YABU if you impose these extra kids on your nanny.
And on your own kids and your DH.

If she keeps going just say ‘we can’t invite you here/we’re not offering you an invitation.’

It’s like she doesn’t realise you need to be invited to someone’s home in order to stay there...

Dear CF.

Last year you brought your family to my home to stay in the middle of winter, planning to live and sleep in your van. I had my doubts about the viability of this but regretfully did not express them .You know how things worked out. It was too cold , cramped and impossible for you to sleep in your van . So I allowed you to stay in my house out of pity and misguided concern for your children . It was a mistake. Intentionally or not you and your family abused my hospitality with stressful arguments and lack of consideration for our home and family life. I have to tell you that with the full co operation and agreement of my family we are not prepared to repeat the experience , so your request to visit us again this winter, or in the future, is denied.

There will be no discussion or negotiation about this, I will not change my mind. You are not welcome, you are not invited.

Ditch her from your social media if you're so bothered about it. You dont owe her anything, you don't need excuses just say no.

I live in a resort town. When we first moved we had lots of people wanting to "come and visit". I get what you're going through!

That said, it's your home and you don't need to justify to anyone how you use your space and time.

You've already said no and she has pushed back. I think you can be very, very clear and use the wording that @PeterPomegranate suggested. You can even say that you ARE having other guests so don't have room. Remember, it's up to you which guests you invite :-)

If she still doesn't get the hint, be super clear and say: "I've said no and I'm not going to change my mind. I'm sure you'll be able to find alternative arrangements."

And if she gets really upset with you, well what's the issue? Doesn't sound like she's someone you're going to want to have as a friend anyway?

Say no, and then block her

You don’t owe her shit

Also you can say after Covid this winter you are prioritising family and close friends. If she offers herself to come one more time. Ask her what she doesn't get? Then delete her.

OP you need to be blunt and say no.

Please can I come and stay with my 4 dds, we are messy, take lots of showers and squabble.

I'm just here for the update now OP.

Please let us know what she says.

Totally here for an update, too.