How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

I expect she'll just turn up at OP's regardless.

Can someone please tell me what a CF is?

@notapizzaeater

That's the whole point of CF they either don't realise how cheeky they are or don't care and rely on the British manners and get away with it !

They don't care. They feel entitled to other peoples' time, money and property. They rely on pushovers to get this. They give not a fuck about people beyond what's in it for them. They have hides like rhinos and have to be told NO very clearly with NO loopholes, apologies or excuses.

There is zero point in overthinking it with people like this, they are not giving you a second thought. You keep it short and simple with them and best of all, get rid of them.

'It needs to be made very clear here: we are not available in any way, shape or form for you to visit us or stay with us. I have tried to be polite but your refusal to take 'no' for answer means it needs to be spelled out to you. It does not work for us so the answer is NO.'

Losing such people is no loss at all, they all have a trail of scorched Earth behind them.

Just be direct don’t feel bad!! She doesn’t care about you at all she’s a CF who’s just using you for a cheap holiday. She’s not coming this year end of!!

@Rubyrecka Cheeky Fucker!

Tell her that you found it quite stressful last time and maybe she could come in a few years when the twins are older.

@MLMsuperfan

I expect she'll just turn up at OP's regardless.

Because she knows the OP will not tell her to leave.

You say - ''You cannot come to stay with me here. I do not have people staying anymore.'' That's what I did and it was true - I don't have people to stay now. I once had someone who stayed 6 months because I was too polite to ask them to leave! Furthermore - there is never any ''come back'', like them inviting you back - even if you wanted it!

@PeterPomegranate

Maybe say: “I’ve avoided being direct as I don’t want to appear rude but I need to be clear that we won’t be having guests over that month so please don’t keep the time free. If you’re staying elsewhere it would be nice to meet up one day but it isn’t possible for you to stay here.”

This is fab

"I don't want you to stay - ever - and to be totally honest I don't even feel like we are very close. I wish you well but please stop contacting me about coming here, I've made myself extremely clear. We are incompatible and I don't want to continue this casual friendship. Goodbye."

Block, delete.

Just FUCK OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with these shameless morons?!

Tell her that you found it quite stressful last time and maybe she could come in a few years when the twins are older

No way, she'll show up in a few years time with twin teenage nightmares in tow. She won't forget you said that and will take it as an invitation!

If she does accept what @PeterPomegranat suggested then she needs to be deleted and blocked

Don’t let her come at all. If she comes under the idea of staying in other accommodation, she’ll still end up at your house, eating up your valuable family time.

I would just say to her that you find it very stressful having visitors and that you are devoting the whole of Christmas to being with your family. Then repeat that as many times as you need to. You’re going to need to strong and don’t give in. She sounds like a complete nightmare. She’ll palm her bloody twins off on you.

Is it time to get your dh on board.
Im soft and not very confrontational,so people usually ask me.Knowing i have difficulty saying no.

My DP on the other hand has no such qualms.So if i get a CF,i use him to deal with it.
Maybe you could do that.

Or get your actual friend to have a word with her.

@PutTheCakeDOWN

You know X works offshore and it's the only time he gets with the kids plus with Covid I will be prioritising family I haven't seen for 18 months.

I said something along these lines at the start and got ‘awww but we really want to see you! Just let us know the days you don’t see anyone there and we’ll come then.’

I would have replied to this saying 'aww really, well we can try and visit you some time next year, when's best?'

@Dogmum40

You could say “ I need to be honest with you, we are going through a tough time as a family at present and as much as we would love to have you here we are not in a position to be able to do it this year, he is a link to a great local b&b (insert link to somewhere) but I’d absolutely love to see you when your here so let me know when you arrive and we can’t all get together “

Ok this might a total lie ( I’d happily tell her to fuck off ) but at least this should make her think she can’t just drop in as your having a tough time and think twice about suggesting dates

This would be insane. OP wouldn't absolutely love to see the CF, and she would claim that all she wants to do is support OP in her tough time.

Good luck and well done Op!

I wouldn't stipulate 'this month / next month / December / Christmas'
She'll just pick another month.

You cannot come to stay with me here. I do not have people staying anymore.

That'll do.

Anyone else thinks she going to turn up uninvited?

(If so, you will have to be very blunt and/or rude and turn her away, and don’t fall for any sob story. Her holiday woes are not your responsibilty.)

@MLMsuperfan

I expect she'll just turn up at OP's regardless.

That's what would concern me. She'd claim she wanted to give them a nice surprise. That's why OP needs to be very, very clear now that it's completely out of the question.

@Cravey you’re kidding, did you get them to leave or were they just bemused that you didn’t think it was ok?

This woman sounds like my mother, who is a selfish narcissist with the hide of a rhino. Don’t worry about being rude - she’ll think YOU’RE the arsehole in this situation no matter how you word it because she’s not getting her own way and she will never see how unreasonable she is being.

An example: a couple of years ago my mum phoned me to complain about her neighbour. My mum has never liked her neighbour and has been nothing but rude and disparaging to her. When the neighbour, quite rightly, refused to take in a parcel for my mum, she phoned me to rant about the injustice, referring to the poor woman as a ‘fucking cow’

Your acquaintance is being incredibly rude and presumptuous so just be rude right back. She’ll wheedle and plead until the end of time if you don’t.

people do get pissed off when you say you can't have visitors any more - been there but you just have to rise above it.

in this case, I think a note on the lines of 'sorry, it really didn't work last time so you cannot stay here again' is all you can do. And then block her!

Hi friend. I really don’t want anyone coming into my home even if you think it’s only the odd shower. My family time is precious to me. You are more than welcome to book a air bnb And if I’ve got time we can meet up for a drink . Good bye x

This person is going to keep pushing and pushing you unless you shut this shit down! I think is speak for most on this thread when i say, this is not ok and you have every right to say no, and you absolutely should. Sounds like a nightmare, but she's a pushy cheeky fuck, so some directness and finality in the message is needed. Loads of great message suggestions here. Please let us know how she responds.