How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

Just be firm and direct …
I had a very distant relative of my grandmother try this every summer, they would expect me to stay at my parents and have full use of my house.
My dad would always push for it even though they weren’t really coming to see us they had local friends..
Last time they pushed it! I said if they turn up I won’t be home and I’d change the locks so they can’t use dads keys… every time the house would be left a bomb site and I just don’t have time for it with my job.

Just tell her what you told us - we've had a hard year and hubby works away so we want some quality family time so sorry no house guests.

I'm astonished that she is still coming back to you! Time to just ignore every message - if it's on whatsapp you can mute notifications and archive the message thread.

Tell her you found her last visit stressful and you don’t want a repeat visit impacting your friendship.

You need time to relax with your family.

She’s taking advantage of you because you’re a nice person. Don’t feel at all bad for saying no, she’s totally overstepping the mark and I doubt she will bring much positivity to your life!

Does the friend who introduced her have a good relationship with her? Could she just tell her that you really can’t have them round as although they say they will be in camper van etc that you want family time and can she make it clear to them that they cannot come. I am also a people pleaser but considering she isn’t a close friend who f yours you need to be firm - even in a text and say outright no.

She is a cheeky fucker alright.
Maybe send her the link to this thread, it might shame her.
You have been diplomatic but it looks like it doesn't work with her.
Does she really think you will want to host them and help looking after her kids?
I would send a last text "Understand that I will not host you. No this Christmas, not any other time. Don't ask me again. You are a user.

If she stays elsewhere OP do not meet up with her until the penultimate day. She will guilt trip you into coming to your house.

Pre empt all of her moves.
You need grand master chess level here.

Just be blunt

Dear xxxx. Sorry but you staying won’t work. Our family time is precious to us and we can’t make arrangements at the moment, indeed it’s unlikely we will decide anything formal until December, and we can’t be tied down. I am sure you understand how difficult it is with dh working offshore.

@PutTheCakeDOWN

You know X works offshore and it's the only time he gets with the kids plus with Covid I will be prioritising family I haven't seen for 18 months.

I said something along these lines at the start and got ‘awww but we really want to see you! Just let us know the days you don’t see anyone there and we’ll come then.’

OP, at this point, you very much need to move to rudeness...

'Sorry, I'm obviously not being very clear. It's not something we are prepared to do but as I've suggested, you're welcome to book elsewhere and we can perhaps find a day to meet'

@PutTheCakeDOWN

You know X works offshore and it's the only time he gets with the kids plus with Covid I will be prioritising family I haven't seen for 18 months.

I said something along these lines at the start and got ‘awww but we really want to see you! Just let us know the days you don’t see anyone there and we’ll come then.’

Is this in response to the latest message you sent? If so, she is mega pushy. It almost sounds like she wants free childcare. Maybe you just to have reiterate that you will be seeing family only, and will not be accommodating anyone else.

she isnt nice! shees badgering you despite being told no. fuck off works perfectly in real life.

The sooner you text her ‘no’ using some of the fab suggestions here, the better.

No thank you. We have plans for the month. (And the rest of our lives!)

@CormoranStrike

How about: “last time we found it stressful and invasive in to our precious family time, so we are having no guests at all this winter. Hope you find somewhere to camp up, enjoy your break.”

I think this is actually a pretty good response

Yes the conversation sounds rude, but it's her rudeness for refusing to take the many many hints that a non-rude person would have taken.

As above: say no, it wont work for you and your family this year and that you're not able to discuss further, wish her well. Then just stop replying about anything to do with this topic.

Is everyone else hoping that shes a mumsnetter and sees this thread?

Problem solved

Send her an article about those drug gangs who barge into people's homes and live there, causing chaos and violence, but the homeowner is too scared/vulnerable to say anything.

She's not even a friend. She just sees you as free accommodation because she thinks she can shame you into it.

I'd tell her if she puts a foot on the driveway I'll call the police and have her removed for trespass, but then I don't want 'friends' like this.

This woman will NOT go away unless you are blunt.

"I've tried being polite but the answer is NO. If you ask again, I will block your number."

And actually block it, if she starts again. Seriously, you'll feel guilt at first but come back on here and we will all cheer you for your assertiveness and you'll feel better. You'll feel so proud for standing up for yourself.

@ChampagneJam

Is everyone else hoping that shes a mumsnetter and sees this thread?

Problem solved

Not sure about that. If she's reading this thread, she'll probably keep going because she knows OP is too nice.

having a huge and dramatic fallout played out over social media (by her not me!)

So take her off your social media.

The only person whose house I'd invite myself to is my DF, because no one in the family ever gets invited. DH is a retired decorator and painted his dining room and we've STILL never been invited. I try inviting myself every September because there's a festival in his village which we go to anyway, but he always manages to be away that weekend.

I do wonder what it's like to be a shameless CF, though. I'd read a diary of the their escapades through their eyes. Utter mentals.

She’s a cf who sees you as a cheap holiday option with childcare thrown in. I wouldn’t give two figs about being blunt. I used to be very accommodating and people pleasing to the point of being taken advantage of quite a bit, but in my forties I’m far more forthright and bolshy about bullshit.

I’m eager to hear her response and half expecting her to still not get the message. I have a sense this might not end well as she seems the type who will kick off if she doesn’t get her own way.

I'd be saying something along the lines of, 'I find it very rude that you are continuing to push this. I have tried to be polite and tactful, but you have forced me into the position of having to be so blunt as to be what I deem rude, by your refusal to accept a graceful decline. You are not coming to stay. Not this Christmas, not now, not ever. If you cannot manage your own children without help, you need to find yourself some help THAT ISN'T US OR OUR NANNY WHO YOU DROVE TO DISTRACTION, and if you want a holiday, you need to source one ELSEWHERE. This is my final word on the matter, I don't want you to bring this up again.

Be impersonal but blunt. DH and I were talking last night. We’ve been caught out in the past by visitors overstaying their welcome and impinging on our family time. It’s one of the drawbacks of living in such a beautiful place. We’ve decided that from now on we are staying strictly family only for all the major holidays. I’m sure you understand. Xx

If she’s pissed off you haven’t lost much.