Threads you can tell the answer to before opening

[Lumene]

What are the common mumsnet threads with questions you can tell the answer to without having to open them, at least 99% of the time.

I’ll start:

Q: I’m in a new relationship, is this a red flag?
A: Yes.

Q. Any innocuous question about neighbours.
A. Move.

Q: AIBU to set my house on fire?

A: sure. it's your house, your choice

Q: What is this weed?

A1: It's a dandelion.
A2: It's a pittosporum tenuifolium, my plant app says so.
A3: No it isn't. And plant apps are rubbish anyway.
A4: There's no such thing as a weed, just a plant growing in the wrong place.
A5: My plant app says it's a dandelion.
A6: All plant apps are rubbis... actually yeah, it is a dandelion.

Q: my dog was totally unprovoked but it attacked me and ate my eyeball. what should I do?

A: dogs NEVER attack unless provoked! it's your fault. poor puppy. eyeballs are not suitable dog food, make sure you take him to the vet

Q: at what age did you stop using a cot/highchair/pushchair/nappy xyz with your child?

majority A: reasonable answers
minority A: extreme answers inc being judgemental aboout a certain age
random poster: I never used one

Q: anything from working mum

A1: have you thought about getting a cleaner, gardener, nanny, governess and a butler?
A2: kids only young once. I look after my horses during the day and I'm there 24/7 for my teenage DC
A3: you are being greedy and selfish. Why have kids and work? If you breathe in the neighbours' food and cut back on loo rolls you could go part time or quit, and retire in a campervan
A4: your DH is a CF LTB.

Q. Anything that questions the vaccine
A. Deleted thread

Q: DH is being abusive/neglecting the baby/ withholding finances

A: you knew who he was when you met him, and yet you chose to reproduce with him

Q.
A. Be kind ffs

The third wave is all down to my very inconsiderate neighbour who refuses to wear a mask when collecting their milk from the doorstep, without quarantining the bottle for 3 days.

The first and second wave were primarily caused by all the poor inconsiderate people going to B and M bargains and The range for essentials, instead of getting an Ocado delivery!

I have to add FB craft groups

Q: how many balls of yarn do I need to make a blanket?
A: we don't know. ball & blanket are not units of measurement.
make a gauge swatch.

Q... The post woman just handed our mail to my DH

A... They're having an affair!!!!

Q: is this weird?
A: you know it

Q - I think...
A - This is disgusting. I'm offended! Something something -ism!

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

A: is DH.... Q: LTB

😂

Q: royal baby name

A1: I hate it
A2: I love it
A3: shaking with rage
A4:🤣🤣🤣
A5: inevitable lecture about Queen's approval of royal baby names
A6: crap, I've just called my kid the same thing
A7: classic MN

Q: AIBU to feel uncomfortable that a male colleague smiled at me?

A. Go straight to HR
A2. Call 101

Q - What do think about ( insert any topic in mainstream news)
A - There are a million threads on this already. Why do you think it's a good idea to raise another?

Q - Why does my dd insist on wearing the same old tatty Paw Patrol tshirt everyday?
A - first poster twists the thread to see your babying your three year old as its Paw Patrol, loads of posters agree and before you know it, its turned into you being a child abuser who needs deep therapy.as Paw Patrol.in strictly for under ones.

Q. What middle name for a boy?

A1. James sprang to mind
A2. James sprang to mind
A3. My first thought was James

Q: I live near a school and...

A: move

Q my DH left his pants on the floor, what should I do?

A1 get your ducks in a row, photocopy your passport 20 times before first light
A2 have you thought about doing the freedom programme?
A3 call the police and please please leave, he’s a narcissist

Q. I have a very small garden with only 27 trees, 8 fountains, 6 glasshouses, a statue trail, an arboretum and a couple of acres of veg.

A1. You're joking, right?
A2. Did you mean to be so rude, A1?

Q. My neighbour complained about my noisy sex

A. How disgusting keep quiet you must have a dull sex life

Q is this pregnancy test positive?

A no but a few well meaning people who haven't had the heartache of pissing on thousands of tests and studying the faint lines that are often produced will post congratulations and say you can't get a false positive hcg test (hah!)

Q how can I train my child not to wet the bed?

A it's hormonal nothing you can do