Kicked out of childcare again. 2yo. Desperate for help.

[BeyondHopee]

My son was with a childminder for five months, never settled, cried all day to go home so they gave us notice. We started him in a nursery, same situation, four months later and they've given us notice. What do I do? Keep trying different settings? I've missed so much work picking him up all the time it's a miracle I still have a job. If I have to go through all the settling in half days again, and miss more work, I probably won't. I can't afford to quit my job and be at home with him, I love my job and I don't want to lose it. What do I do? Has anyone experienced this? I just don't think he will be happy anywhere but home, but he has to be somewhere

@BeyondHopee where abouts are you located?

Rather than keep going over the same posts, how about I put the word out on an early years manager forum i'm part of and see if any nurseries nearby who'd be willing to go the long haul?

Nursery manager myself and I've never terminated for this reason, he's a child. Let's find a solution

There has to be MASSIVE rewards for good behaviour (not crying at nursery) and disappointment for poor behaviour (mummy feels sad etc).

Seriously? Who would say mummy feels sad to a 2yo? Sorry but that is terrible advice!

Starting out slowly again might help and going 5 days a week will help build the routine.
Do you have a going routine that is consistent every day?

Plus on your days off, get out as much as possible and around other children too.

I think the lockdowns have affected many of us. Your DS hasn't had much of a chance to socialise yet.

What type of work does your DH do?

I totally agree @peesoup

A 2 year old is using their communication skills to say they are afraid/ sad. And the solution is to teach them to suppress emotions for a "big reward" and meet the emotional needs of adults instead and "not make them sad". Awful.

Sorry @peasoup8 autocorrected

Moving house might help! See it as a positive, he won’t be able to go back so will have to adapt and start to feel safe somewhere new - hopefully this will work alongside a new nursery or childminder

I would take him out as much as possible in weekends.

Also what about sending him into nursery with photos of you all. That way he can see you and wave to you etc?

Personally I would try to find a nursery that can help your DS with this as it will help him massively. I'm not sure what your routine was with your previous nursery but full days - even 9.30-4.30 helps rather than just an afternoon or morning and for at least 2 consecutive days. My neighbours daughter didn't settle at nursery initially - there were too many different changes to routine- mum on Monday, Grandparent on Tues, Nursery on Wed, Mum or Dad on Thur - but by moving the nursery days to be together it really worked

That sounds so hard. Some of us are just more home birds and it sounds like he is. It’s not not surprising given Covid world is all he knows. Have you looked at all childminders? I know some are more like small nurseries, some are more homely. I’m thinking one where he was alone or with one other child in day but possibly more on school run or a more grandma type childminder. Best wishes.

@handfulofdust
@orangeinmybluelightcup.
Jesus I was just going to comment on this, then I saw that handful had beaten me to it.
Orange I cannot believe that you are still polite to this minder. I would have reported them. (Saying this as a former childminder, nanny and special needs worker).

Re. Aupairs: since Brexit you can’t get a Continental au pair because there are no visas for them. You have to be a full-time student with £1200 a month guaranteed.

Could you share a childminder at your own house with a friend?

Op, another off the wall suggestion but you get nurseries that specialise in children with additional needs. It may be worth looking at those to see if you can break this home need he has as they maybe able to spend more time with him.

Don’t give up whatever you do, there will be a solution.

In the meantime it’s interesting to see you say you were and are the same, is there maybe something he’s been picking up on that has led him to believe home is his safe place?

@Lulola

Moving house might help! See it as a positive, he won’t be able to go back so will have to adapt and start to feel safe somewhere new - hopefully this will work alongside a new nursery or childminder

Yes i was thinking the same, it could break the link.

But failing that I would definitely look at care in the home for a few months and then look for a new CM or nursery when he turns 3 and there is more choice. Also it gets cheaper once they are 3 so maybe you could take the hit now.

My son's CM was more like a nursery but that suited my son; but there are plenty of others who look after fewer children and might be able to devote the attention to him.

Ultimately you have several choices OP:

New nursery and wait for the inevitable fall-out (or not)
New CM and wait for the inevitable fall-out (or not)
Give up work
DH gives up work
Get a nanny/uni student to look after him at home until he is a bit older

@Kirinm.
You are correct with the tax thing for nannies. However Childcare.co.uk do have forms for everything and will sort this out for you if needed (generally yes the going rate is £10/£12 . It is not always net and it may be negotiable with the nanny. You do need to consider though that if in England the NMW for an over 25 year old is £ 8-40 per hour. )
A nanny may be able to offer more flexibility, possibly do term times only.
Maybe if she has one child that you are happy for her to bring with her the cost may go down slightly.

Wow ,you poor thing ,huge sympathies .

Agree about keep trying with nurseries .

And a transitional object - could it be something he sees you with a lot ,that you give him and he looks after ? Handbag ???

I’ve only read OPs posts but have you seen if there is a nursery near you that takes / specialises in children with autism etc as although he is not they may be more able to deal with him . I also totally agree that you should not give up work , he has got to get used to going somewhere , however long it takes and however many settings you have to try .

@Scrolling leaves.
Unfortunately you cannot 'share a nanny in your own home.
A childminder works from their own home and there a completely different set of rules regarding this.

I think you’ve answered your own question, that you are in a lot and so now need to get him used to going out. Go to the park and persevere when he cries to go home. He needs to learn to persevere when one of you, who he feels the safest with, is with him. Otherwise you’re asking him to deal with learning to be brave about it at Nursery when really he needs to learn how to do this when he’s more relaxed with you. He needs to realise how fun it is being around other children.

“notthemum

@Scrolling leaves.
Unfortunately you cannot 'share a nanny in your own home.
A childminder works from their own home and there a completely different set of rules regarding this.“

I meant share a nanny. Would this not be possible?

www.childcare.co.uk/information/nanny-shares

My almost 7 year old DD was like this at Nursery until Nursery worked out she likes structure and to know whats happening.

She can still be a bit like that on days out asking when she's going home and gets upset if she doesn't like the answer. It's not that she wants to be at home she likes to know whats happening.

So we have a "timetable" and I tell her "First we're getting on the train, then we'll find a bench to eat our picnic etc." and tell her throughout the day what the plan is. She still gets upset but she;s much better,

Could that work?

They key for us has always been very early drop offs so they're the first in the room.

Not quite the same I know but we used to go to a very busy and noisy playgroup once a week. Some weeks my DS took ages to settle and could be a bit whingy. Had the realisation one day that he just didn't like going into such a noisy, busy room so we started arriving at the beginning when there was perhaps only one or two other children there. Worked like a dream.

If you can't get a CM or Nursery and Au Pair/Nanny is out of the question, does your organisation do career breaks? I know you said you weren't earning much so this might be an option?

Failing that, go for maternity leave again

Nurseries are going to see a lot of this OP you are not alone. I run a childcare setting and most of the two year old's I see now have barely been looked after by Grandparents much less attended a group setting...lockdowns and SD have taken a big toll.

Someone up thread mentioned a gradual withdrawal approach where you leave him for longer and longer each time. That often works.

I would suggest not talking about it a lot actually...some children like to be forewarned and some children just get very worked up waiting for that moment of separation. Sometimes a "we are going to nursery today" is all they can handle.

The nursery or childminder you use needs to have a visual timetable and a Now and Next board "now we are playing, next we will go outside" they need to step by step him through the day. All my staff have a lanyard with photos that go right through from arrival to home time. These aren't just for children with additional needs, they work exceptionally well with our new starters. I had a child start a couple of weeks ago, he has great speech and understanding...I'd clapped my hands to bring them all inside for lunch...and I saw him look upset. I showed him the picture for lunch...instant calm and in he came. Its just about that extra bit of support.

I firmly believe that if things aren't working, it's the setting that needs to change its approach. We are the adults...he's only been on the planet for two years.

I’m of a view that a child that upset about going to nursery isn’t ready to go to nursery. I honestly don’t think that 2 year olds should be in nursery. They are babies and need their mum. I would do whatever it took to manage on one wage or get a job on the days DH was at home. It’s not natural to leave your children screaming for you and must cause damage. No job is more important than your child.

@SoSadAboutMyDad

I’m of a view that a child that upset about going to nursery isn’t ready to go to nursery. I honestly don’t think that 2 year olds should be in nursery. They are babies and need their mum. I would do whatever it took to manage on one wage or get a job on the days DH was at home. It’s not natural to leave your children screaming for you and must cause damage. No job is more important than your child.

Wow. So you don’t think that any women should have careers and children then @SoSadAboutMyDad? Are we in the 1950s?

If you go for a photo book include one at the park or at Nan’s house, with friends, maybe the toys at nursery, anything other than home.