I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

Or that if they do they will need a lot of support.

My dd has a lot of rigid thinking and anxiety. She is currently very keen to have a family and if she still wants to as an adult I would really hope that will come to pass for her. She would be a loving and fun parent.

However, she is very focused on her own agendas for any particular day and would not find it at all easy to deal with changing plans and broken sleep etc. So if my dd was op (who is on the spectrum she believes), I would be quite concerned for her to be doing it with a not very present partner, especially as there’s quite a significant likelihood dd will have children with asd, especially if the prospective dad also has asd.

I think the problem is whilst the op is able to do it all to make her Dps life easier. Babies/Children/teenagers couldn’t give a fuck. They want what they want and it is going to be doubly stressful trying to juggle everything to keep everyone happy.

What would his reaction be if he wanted a date night, you have hired a baby sitter and your child was crying and clinging on to you not wanting you to go out.

If your Dp is stressed just making a decision about children, the most stressful thing you will do in your life then I don’t think he is ready to have children. It isn’t going to end well

It's shocking how selfish many people seem to be, with no thought at all for the child or their future as a person.Newsflash, babies grow up to be children then teenagers then adults. This whole "I want a baby" thing is so awful, when parents have given zero thought to the person that the baby will become when they're not a baby anymore, and how such messed up familly dynamics will very likely impact them. ☹️

Completely agree with this post. It really pissed me off that people feel entitled to having babies without giving the whole concept deep, deep thought.

I have thought about it in immense details and expressed this to people I know - and was met by hostility that I was overthinking it and being silly and that having kids is just what people do and there's me need to think it through?!! How ridiculous

Surely having children is one of the most important things to plan?!

What else will you not be able to discuss with him throughout the child’s life? Are you just going to decide and do everything for fear of stressing him? I think you should seriously think about this.

Hes prepared to do nights fine what about school plays parents evenings clubs hobbies etc

And when youj want to go on holiday and he says oh cant take time off take dc alone

one day your child will ask why doesnt daddy do anthing with me-how will you answer that-oh because i decided that was enough for you that he likes working so i do it all?

@GabsAlot

Hes prepared to do nights fine what about school plays parents evenings clubs hobbies etc

And when youj want to go on holiday and he says oh cant take time off take dc alone

one day your child will ask why doesnt daddy do anthing with me-how will you answer that-oh because i decided that was enough for you that he likes working so i do it all?

You’re describing my dad and do you know what? It was fine. The only person who missed out was him. And we just took it for granted that it was the way, you don’t question your normality.

@Blossomtoes I agree and the only person that will come out of it badly is him. OP has no explaining to do, when they get older they'll see who had the problem.

However, OP I suggest you think long and hard about the kind of person you're having a child with. You say you'll be happy doing most of the work - I think you'll change your mind about that post baby and resent him for not stepping up to the plate like many women do

OP, you said that you suspect you also may be on the spectrum. Lots of your comments seem a bit surprising for someone in this position, for example you are surprised posters are saying you are at risk of having a child with really significant additional needs. My friends are both autistic and, like you, describe yourself, "ok", and they have two sons, one is a classic "quirky" type of high functioning person with some needs around emotional support, the other is non verbal, incontinent, with lots of serious gut disorders, serious behavioural challenge, sleepless, loads of allergies too. I am really surprised you don't know more about the implications of these heritable conditions in your DP and potentially in you too.

Also the money thing is weird. 180k income could be e.g 100k for DP, 80k for you. I appreciate some comes from your properties but you have some outgoings each month given you still have the small mortgage. i can't see where you think the 20, 30, 40, 50k would come from, that you'd lose by giving up work. If you had nothing coming in, or couldn't break even after leaving work and needing to cover extra childcare, what would you do? The general conversation of "he thinks his salary counts as our money" isn't enough. He needs to put something in place legally to give you access to that family money. Marriage for instance. You seem really handwavy about the finances.

Also you say you only sleep 3hrs per night with work. This to me suggests your own habits are unusual. It's an odd mixture of stoicism, rigidity, intelligence and naivety you have going on, and I just wonder if you are really not that neurotypical yourself? Not that this should stop you having children, far from it, but you might need to think about your own needs as well as DPs.

@Foxhasbigsocks

Or that if they do they will need a lot of support.

My dd has a lot of rigid thinking and anxiety. She is currently very keen to have a family and if she still wants to as an adult I would really hope that will come to pass for her. She would be a loving and fun parent.

However, she is very focused on her own agendas for any particular day and would not find it at all easy to deal with changing plans and broken sleep etc. So if my dd was op (who is on the spectrum she believes), I would be quite concerned for her to be doing it with a not very present partner, especially as there’s quite a significant likelihood dd will have children with asd, especially if the prospective dad also has asd.

If they need a lot of support?

But what happens if real things up breaks down? All your eggs in one basket. Then your daughter left solo parenting but still needing “a lot of support”

Relationship

well @blossomtoes we all dont feel the same when a parent missed something

i thin its quite sad

[quote Namechangeme1]@Blossomtoes I agree and the only person that will come out of it badly is him. OP has no explaining to do, when they get older they'll see who had the problem. [/quote]
I really don't agree. It perfectly describes my father (also, I have long suspected, not neuroptypical), and one of the first and most lasting lessons I learned is that one of they key people in my life was not prepared to disrupt his cast-iron routine to put himself out for me in the slightest, and that my mother, having accepted that invisibility for herself, thought I’d be fine with it too. It was miserable. Because it wasn’t one screwed-up uninterested parent and one great one, it was one screwed up uninterested parent and one who taught me that whatever I did shouldn’t disturb my father, who was just too busy and important for parenting.

@Sometimesfraught82 I couldn’t agree more. It would be a disaster

Hello! From what I read in your post looks like you are going to have to decide if you are willing to plan everything on your own, or find a good councellor and a clinic to help you with every step of this journey.

If you believe this person is for you, and you want to have a child together then maybe searching start planning and creating small taks for your partener to do (very small steps), would be the way to do it.

Maybe even search for ivf coaches in social media, they often give helpful advice.

[quote Foxhasbigsocks]@Sometimesfraught82 I couldn’t agree more. It would be a disaster[/quote]
So too much of a risk in my opinion

OP what caring responsibilities have you experienced before? Sick dog, cat, elderly relatives?

Like many PPs my impression is that you have had very little and therefore are - naturally - very naïve about what it's really like to be responsible for someone else in a serious situation longterm.

I have several - comfortably off, middle class - friends whose teens have had serious MH problems.
The reason people bang on about "what if the kid has extra needs" is because it's really surprisingly common.

The other thing is that once you have a child your focus will be that new person - you will not be the fun person your DP spends time with now. I've seen this situation before where someone spends a lot of time at the office and when they come home they're no longer the focus of attention and in some cases they simply met someone else at work...

wasn’t one screwed-up uninterested parent and one great one, it was one screwed up uninterested parent and one who taught me that whatever I did shouldn’t disturb my father, who was just too busy and important for parenting

Whereas I had one uninterested parent and one who more than made up for it. I’m sorry you didn’t. 💐

@Blossomtoes

wasn’t one screwed-up uninterested parent and one great one, it was one screwed up uninterested parent and one who taught me that whatever I did shouldn’t disturb my father, who was just too busy and important for parenting

Whereas I had one uninterested parent and one who more than made up for it. I’m sorry you didn’t. 💐

How exactly does one parent "make up for it"? In what sense?

@GreyhoundG1rl
How exactly does one parent "make up for it"? In what sense?

This used to be the normal standard when I was a kid. Absent/earning father and present mother. I'm not saying it's a perfect scenario, but I really don't think it's the pure hell that it's painted here. I also feel a bit queasy about the eugenics being aired on here 🤨 although I do understand that ASD is unpredictable!

used to be the normal standard when I was a kid.

Doesn’t the fact that it’s changed from that now indicate that, for the majority, it’s not the most ideal situation?

@FTEngineerM yes, of course! But not out of the question...? I mean, I grew up OK. (I think!)

I just don't like the thundering THIS IS NOT IDEAL SO DON'T EVEN CONSIDER IT overriding message on this thread. How did people have children in Victorian days, in medieval days, in the jungle? Sorry if this sounds flippant, but seriously, this whole thread seems to be dominated by a narrative that seems dictated by modern social workers.

I understand that ASD comes with its own special issues. But does that dictate that a couple who love each other and have financial security should not reproduce?

My mum ( who is wonderful) used to say that no one in their right mind would have kids. It's a ridiculous thing to do, at the best of times. And it's not easy. But why the sniffiness around this particular scenario? Actually being in a stable loving relationship and having a good income are more boxes ticked than most people who have children seem to manage.

How did people have children in Victorian days, in medieval days, in the jungle?

Well, a lot of the children would have died and the ones that didn't would have been working in the coal pits / out in the field with their mother? The "mother who stays at home and raises the children while the husband goes out to his important job" is literally a fragment of human history, and even then it was only the privileged classes who achieved that.

A lot of children were abandoned into homes. A lot of children were given to relatives to raise. A lot of women were taken in by family. A lot of women had zero choice.

Women today have choices, and I think most people are only advising op to think carefully about the choice because they've been there before.

@winched That is true. My grandmother was one of 17 siblings, 3 of whom survived into adulthood thanks to World War I and diphtheria, scarlet fever, etc.

Things have improved nowadays.

I look around me and see (with my judgey little eyes) billions of people who should never have had kids, if going by high standards. Am I going to stop them? No. OP's situation sounds pretty good on some fairly crucial levels.

[quote Alcemeg]@FTEngineerM yes, of course! But not out of the question...? I mean, I grew up OK. (I think!)

I just don't like the thundering THIS IS NOT IDEAL SO DON'T EVEN CONSIDER IT overriding message on this thread. How did people have children in Victorian days, in medieval days, in the jungle? Sorry if this sounds flippant, but seriously, this whole thread seems to be dominated by a narrative that seems dictated by modern social workers.

I understand that ASD comes with its own special issues. But does that dictate that a couple who love each other and have financial security should not reproduce?

My mum ( who is wonderful) used to say that no one in their right mind would have kids. It's a ridiculous thing to do, at the best of times. And it's not easy. But why the sniffiness around this particular scenario? Actually being in a stable loving relationship and having a good income are more boxes ticked than most people who have children seem to manage.[/quote]
Totally agree with this