I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

That's utter nonsense, and you know it. Encouraging women to find a man who seem engaged in the idea of parenthood before it even starts is hardly a high bar. Or one who expects to actually do a reasonable share of parenting. Your comments have got beyond ridiculous now.

I suffered horrendous PND with DD1 desperately. It was an horrendous time for myself and my DH. it sounds like the only horrendous part of this for the ops dh would be that his partner doesn’t understand and isn’t getting better with his only helping from 10pm to 12pm. That’s all he owes her (on days there isn’t a work issue) and she and baby have to get by on that.

@drivinmecrazy

I would have struggled but likely would have managed, I'm pretty resourceful as are many people. I'm sorry life may not treat people the way that they deserve but surely we enter into any or all relationships with a glass half full approach. Some glasses are drained and some are refilled to the brim, that's the nature of love and friendship surely. If I'd have done as you suggest and weigh up every consideration I might still be here, on my own, at 50 years old too scared to take a leap. Babies wouldn't be born and kittens would be in bonnets if we went on your theory

My last response was to this nonsense. I see further nonsense posted since.

@timeisnotaline

I suffered horrendous PND with DD1 desperately. It was an horrendous time for myself and my DH. it sounds like the only horrendous part of this for the ops dh would be that his partner doesn’t understand and isn’t getting better with his only helping from 10pm to 12pm. That’s all he owes her (on days there isn’t a work issue) and she and baby have to get by on that.

Exactly. Poor, poor hard done by OP's DP with so much on at work.

I work in the City and raise two kids alone. But I can see where this is going and it's not good for the OP.

Who's speaking nonsense?
I've only spoken from my experiences as I'm sure you have.
The OP hasn't said she expects the moon on a stick, she's more realistic than I was when we decided to get pregnant and has said she thinks her DP will be a loving a caring father. Not sure much more one can ask for.
Yes the reality is likely to be different but we don't know what that might look like.
He might have a lightbulb moment and realise his priorities have changed or he might not.
She might realise she wants to spin her own yarn and knot him a sweater.

Who knows.
That's the beauty of the future.
Give yourself a break and look on the bright side.
Are you really suggesting OP knocks the whole idea on the head or LTB and head to more fertile ground ?

@drivinmecrazy

Why is it infantilising and embarrassing not to have a fully fledged and fulfilling career ? I can assure you I did have a full and fulfilling career before I had children. I don't mock you because you have one now so don't think you should do so to me. I chose to give up my career because it was not conducive to parenthood twenty years ago. Please don't think all non career women are without voices or choices. Quite the contrary.

Nobody is infantilising you. What we are saying is that data proves that women generally end up worse off by doing this. In your particular case it may have worked out fine and been a wonderful fulfilling life. Perhaps the OP will be lucky like you if she does the same. But perhaps not. And increasingly perhaps not given the data, if you want to go and google and look. And that will then likely impact her children in very detrimental ways, unless they are fortunate enough to be the children of a mother who has maintained her career and can provide for them herself if needed.

People are giving data-based, probability based advice to try to prevent the OP making a big mistake that may impact her and potential DC for decades. If she is genuinely financially independent and has millions in the bank then I agree, giving up her career is fine if that's what she'd prefer.

And all of that is aside from the psychological impact of having a father who mostly isn't present emotionally.

Anyway, I am done with this for today at least. Off to bed now.

Me too.
Night

she thinks her DP will be a loving a caring father. Not sure much more one can ask for.

Yes, there is. Someone who is present, does their fair share of parenting, takes responsibility for their children's education and wellbeing and school applications and birthday parties: is actually a parenr.

Yes the reality is likely to be different but we don't know what that might look like.

Lots of us do, that's the point.

He might have a lightbulb moment and realise his priorities have changed or he might not.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Relationships get harder when people have children, not easier. Chuck a child into a relationship and it'll make it better? Awful advice. Honestly. This comment is bonkers. Surely the child deserves to be born into a stable relationship not expected to be the one to fix it??

She might realise she wants to spin her own yarn and knot him a sweater. Who knows.

I am sure nobody knows where this weirdness came from.

Good night.

Just say to him casually: 'ok I'll stop taking the pill then?'

You need to have this conversation because if you don't he might say in the future you've never had the 'let's have a baby' talk and you've fallen pregnant without him AGREEING. whatever he told you when he was tipsy is irrelevant- he might later just tell you he doesn't remember.

I don't see the issue with him working a lot. Presumably you can afford nannies and cleaner etc. Why are people frothing at the mouth that he has to prioritise work? Sometimes work is priority because it provides the nice life.

Do you really love him or do you just love the idea of being a mum?

As PP have said, due to your DP being autistic and your age, there’s a higher chance of your DC having autism. It sounds like you’ll basically be raising the DC alone without support. Could you raise a child, especially one with SEN, alone?

He barely sees you as it is and only cares about work. I doubt he’d be a hands on dad. If he’s easily stressed about planning things then he’s not ready to be a dad.

Also, you have separate mortgages? Does that mean you don’t live together? I’d say that’s the logical step before ttc. Make sure he consents to ttc.

So you are good enough to have a baby with but not to marry? Sod that. I have a friend whose job obsessed boyfriend is always going on about having a baby, he doesn’t want to get married to her though

For ttc, you don't need to continuously track your cycle, just have sex regularly. You could try tracking for one month to give you a rough idea. You'll also need to start prenatal vitamins for the folic acid prior to ttc.

I know it is easy to dismiss, but don't underestimate the impact of children on your life. They change everything, and I have a supportive DH who is at home a lot. How hard it is will depend on the children too, and that is a lottery. I have one who is a breeze to look after, and one who is possibly SN and very difficult. It impacts every part of our lives and drives us to breaking point occasionally. Parenting is wonderful and utterly relentless at the same time.

I'd also consider the possibility of SN if he is autistic. My friends with SN children have a family history. Don't underestimate how hard it can be, there isn't enough support for SN children out there. It is very hard to work, and when they are older, if they are in mainstream school, it's very hard to get holiday club care if their needs are more significant. They love their children but it has been life changing for them.

Run through the scenarios - what if you had to give up work? Some women do with NT children, with SN children it is far more likely. You said you often only sleep 3 hours a night with work, how will you do that with young child and no support? If he's not going to help, even with NT children, it will impact your career. Would you want to be a sahm? I've done it and it is not for everyone.

As you have the money, you would need to outsource everything. Nanny rather than nursery as then you wouldn't need to do all the drop offs and pick ups and be constrained by time. Cleaner several times a week as it's tough to do everything with the children and all the cleaning. If he is not going to help out practically, you are going to have to buy it in. Babysitters for evenings or weekends if he won't be able to look after them whilst you go out. Don't underestimate needing some time to yourself! I'd get married too. I'm not bothered about it either, but you need it if you ever split and you have children. I'd also consider only having one child if he's not going to help. One's a pet, two's a zoo.

We had a big chat last night. He’s just happy about it all. We talked about finances and he’s (as he’s always said and done) says I have access to the same money as it’s ours not his. We talked about he work, he doesn’t want to stop though said he’d never leave me doing sleepless nights alone. We talked about help and he said if I wanted that then we’d pay. He said he’s nervous about knowing when we are going to do it, which was what he said last time, he has anxiety over performance.

He will always remain at work a lot of the time and that won’t and can’t easily change. I feel better having had the chat but I still know it will all fall to me on a day to day basis. I’ve always known that really.

Thank you everyone for all your advice and help. As naive as I seem to have been before this thread, the comments have certainly made me query my confidence and I’m sure that is a good thing...I need to times the ideas of tiredness, stress, exhaustion, etc by 100 it seems!!

[quote MandyMarr]@WorraLiberty I guess I don’t think about marriage as I have my own financial security.[/quote]
If your financial security is £300k in an ISA or a large inheritance from great aunt Fanny - great crack on with getting pregnant.
As long as you understand you will be doing all the heavy lifting and he will be largely absent / a fairly fairweather parent.

If your financial security is your job... which you are okay with leaving for a while even though it may impact your earnings... you are bluntly being very foolish.

That’s kinda like a great outcome @MandyMarryou he will not let you be alone and there’s money there to help so you can focus on one thing. Ideal IMO.

Good luck

Don’t know why kinda is in there.

Great news OP and good luck!

We talked about finances and he’s (as he’s always said and done) says I have access to the same money as it’s ours not his.

OP, again - if he leaves you or gets hit by a bus this vanishes in an instant. Please don’t rely on it. Please consider what everyone on here said about getting married. What we’re all trying to protect you from is the situation where in 15-20 years’ time you’ve given up a lot of your earning power to raise a child/children, his career has powered on aided by you, one of you decides to leave and you’re left with diddly squat. So if the bulk of your own income is a) not tied to work and b) enough for a comfortable standard of living it’s less risky carrying on as you are, otherwise it’s a bit of a minefield imo.

@LivingLaVidaCovid no I don’t have a spare 300k but I have 20k left on a mortgage that I could pay off at any time, I have two rental properties with an income, a wealthy family who would be there IF needed. As I said, it’s not massively wealthy but to be honest, I’d have to be extremely poor to not consider this because of money. Yes money helps but my god... life is too short!! If I spent the next 50 years planning for this in a precise perfect way, even then it wouldn’t be perfect!

I think the thing that has amazed me about this thread is that people seem keen to tell me it’s terrible and hard on a regular basis. I know that, not first hand but I know that my entire world will be different and hard and relentless. I still want this with DP. I don’t actually care about fancy holidays and trips and spare cash and nights out and peaceful evenings in the bath. Yes, I may look back and think if only I could have a night to myself. But believe me when I say I have indulged myself in life for a long time, I’m quite happy to give all that up for a family.

Good luck to you then op, enjoy baby making!

As naive as I seem to have been before this thread, the comments have certainly made me query my confidence and I’m sure that is a good thing...I need to times the ideas of tiredness, stress, exhaustion, etc by 100 it seems

Not necessarily to be honest. My husband was in the forces when I had my daughter and I didn’t find it difficult at all. And he went away for months on end. I worked, I’d pop her to the child minder during the day, collect her, spend evenings and weekends together and we were happy as Larry. She was just an extension of me.

But undoubtedly many people have babies who don’t sleep, or who they themselves struggle, with recovery, with feeding, with depression etc and it all becomes too much. No one can predict which camp you’ll fall into to

I formula fed and a very wise older midwife told me in the maternity hospital, stop holding her all the time, you’ll never be able to put her down and it will be hell. Wise words indeed. So my daughter right from the start was used to not being fed or held to sleep and was totally happy. Cuddles and play time was for when she was awake. So I was more than able to put her in her bouncy chair, crib, cot, and crack on with other things.

[quote MandyMarr]@LivingLaVidaCovid no I don’t have a spare 300k but I have 20k left on a mortgage that I could pay off at any time, I have two rental properties with an income, a wealthy family who would be there IF needed. As I said, it’s not massively wealthy but to be honest, I’d have to be extremely poor to not consider this because of money. Yes money helps but my god... life is too short!! If I spent the next 50 years planning for this in a precise perfect way, even then it wouldn’t be perfect!

I think the thing that has amazed me about this thread is that people seem keen to tell me it’s terrible and hard on a regular basis. I know that, not first hand but I know that my entire world will be different and hard and relentless. I still want this with DP. I don’t actually care about fancy holidays and trips and spare cash and nights out and peaceful evenings in the bath. Yes, I may look back and think if only I could have a night to myself. But believe me when I say I have indulged myself in life for a long time, I’m quite happy to give all that up for a family.[/quote]
But you’re not going to ‘have it with DP’, who has made it abundantly clear that his all-consuming work life comes ahead of you and your potential child, and that if you want help, it’s going to have to be bought in, because it’s not coming from him. What exactly does he mean by he wouldn’t see you dealing with sleepless nights alone — did he actually commit to doing night wakings in the knowledge that he will be tired and under par at work? Or is he saying ‘Hire a night nanny’?

@Bluntness100

As naive as I seem to have been before this thread, the comments have certainly made me query my confidence and I’m sure that is a good thing...I need to times the ideas of tiredness, stress, exhaustion, etc by 100 it seems

Not necessarily to be honest. My husband was in the forces when I had my daughter and I didn’t find it difficult at all. And he went away for months on end. I worked, I’d pop her to the child minder during the day, collect her, spend evenings and weekends together and we were happy as Larry. She was just an extension of me.

But undoubtedly many people have babies who don’t sleep, or who they themselves struggle, with recovery, with feeding, with depression etc and it all becomes too much. No one can predict which camp you’ll fall into to

I formula fed and a very wise older midwife told me in the maternity hospital, stop holding her all the time, you’ll never be able to put her down and it will be hell. Wise words indeed. So my daughter right from the start was used to not being fed or held to sleep and was totally happy. Cuddles and play time was for when she was awake. So I was more than able to put her in her bouncy chair, crib, cot, and crack on with other things.

But don’t you think there’s a difference between having a baby with someone whose job unavoidably means he’s geographically absent for periods of time but who is a fully-involved parent when he’s home, and having a baby with someone who could adapt his working life but has announced in advance that he’s not going to, and is going to let his partner do all the actual parenting, let alone a man who’s so fragile he can’t be stressed by the knowledge that they’re trying to conceive?

That last seems to me part and parcel of a personality saying ‘This baby is yours — I might like the idea, but don’t bother me with the actuality’.