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Original poster

I just want his baby, what can I do?

735 replies

MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 18:49

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
MandyMarr · 04/06/2021 20:20

Thank you to those who have been kind. I am under no illusion it would be hard and harder than I can imagine. I can’t just leave my DP because he has a busy job though!

OP posts:
FTEngineerM · 04/06/2021 20:21

I can’t just leave my DP because he has a busy job though!

See people suggesting that, yikes😬

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2021 20:25

@MandyMarr

Thank you to those who have been kind. I am under no illusion it would be hard and harder than I can imagine. I can’t just leave my DP because he has a busy job though!
No one is suggesting you should and it's clear that you love him very much.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
AnotherEmma · 04/06/2021 20:34

Interesting that as the thread has progressed, we've gone from

"I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship."

"he has a busy job"

There's a big difference between a workaholic and someone who just has "a busy job" Confused

I think you're minimising it, maybe the negative replies have made you defensive.

I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who only had one short holiday a year with me, let alone a baby with them, but each to their own.

housework1977 · 04/06/2021 20:36

Mandy I think you're going into this with your eyes open in terms of how things will work in your family. Which is more than can be said for
some people. I think you sound happy, financially secure and that you should grab that with both hands. Get on with it! Get some preseed gel and start monitoring your ovulation with a digital clear blue kit. You don't need to tell him what you're doing and remove all of the romance. I agree conception per se is a bit of a passion killer. Just engage your efforts at the right time over a week around ovulation. And stay lying down after sex!

Blossomtoes · 04/06/2021 20:40

agree conception per se is a bit of a passion killer

It doesn’t have to be, it never used to be. People had unprotected sex, they got pregnant.

vulpesfoxtrot · 04/06/2021 20:47

@MandyMarr my husband is a farmer, he lives and breathes farming and some parts of the year are very very difficult with him being about two fields away but basically out of the house for 16+ hours a day.

We have two children and he's a brilliant dad. Some days he's a stay at home parent whilst I work, some days he doesn't see the children. It's swings and roundabouts but he's a brilliant husband and a brilliant dad. Just because your partner doesn't fit other peoples vision of "good partner" doesn't mean he isn't.

Don't let the bastards get you down.

olidora63 · 04/06/2021 21:00

I really do wonder how so many of these posters think single parents manage! Not an ideal situation to be in but generally they do cope and yes it is bloody hard work...never having the other parent there to help ever ..but they do ! Good luck OP💐

TentTalk · 04/06/2021 21:10

@olidora63

I really do wonder how so many of these posters think single parents manage! Not an ideal situation to be in but generally they do cope and yes it is bloody hard work...never having the other parent there to help ever ..but they do ! Good luck OP💐
Being a single parent and being in a relationship with the other parent who does sweet FA (deliberately or otherwise) is very different. The latter can bread resentment and cause an irreparable rift you didn't expect.
PigGondola · 04/06/2021 21:12

@olidora63

I really do wonder how so many of these posters think single parents manage! Not an ideal situation to be in but generally they do cope and yes it is bloody hard work...never having the other parent there to help ever ..but they do ! Good luck OP💐
I think there’s a big difference between being a single parent and embarking on parenthood with a man who can’t bear to plan, can’t be stressed by having to think about ttc, and who can only be in a relationship with someone who is happy with the minimum commitment, but who nonetheless thinks he’d like a child, and whose partner is planning to protect him from all the rigours of parenthood.
katy1213 · 04/06/2021 21:20

Guess he'd fly into a panic if you suggested marrying first?
Doesn't sound like he'll be contributing much after the initial sperm donation.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2021 21:24

@PigGondola lots of people who have posted on here ARE single parents. That's why we've pointed out the potential difficulties!

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2021 21:25

Sorry @PigGondola that was to @olidora63

FTEngineerM · 04/06/2021 21:27

Pig, that was in my first post.. and lots of others.

It’s very different actually being on your own to being with someone that makes you feel alone.

FTEngineerM · 04/06/2021 21:28

Ha! God I did it too, sorry not Pig🙊

tornadosequins · 04/06/2021 21:29

I don't think people acting as yes-men is actually a kind thing to do.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 04/06/2021 21:37

So are you going to sit down and discuss practicalities op?

How he envisages it all panning out? What role he wants to play?

This is not just someone with a busy job. But you don't want to hear it. You just want your baby, regardless of the impact it will have on them.

JewelGarden · 04/06/2021 21:43

[quote vulpesfoxtrot]@MandyMarr my husband is a farmer, he lives and breathes farming and some parts of the year are very very difficult with him being about two fields away but basically out of the house for 16+ hours a day.

We have two children and he's a brilliant dad. Some days he's a stay at home parent whilst I work, some days he doesn't see the children. It's swings and roundabouts but he's a brilliant husband and a brilliant dad. Just because your partner doesn't fit other peoples vision of "good partner" doesn't mean he isn't.

Don't let the bastards get you down. [/quote]

Yes, My DH was a lorry driver when we had DS, he was often out driving until 10pm. My own father had a job with a 2 weeks on 2 weeks off rota, and he lived away when working. Work is work and it needs to be done, the comments here saying he's just going to be a sperm donor are disgusting really.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 04/06/2021 21:47

To the pp- this is not just someone who works 100s of hours though. It's someone that doesn't like planning anything.

The op can't even talk to him about any of this stuff. It goes way beyond your examples.

Newmum29 · 04/06/2021 22:23

If you log your cycle regularly and accurately it makes predictions based on your literal phase, for me it was very accurate.

853ax · 04/06/2021 22:27

Hi, ok so think I can identify with you. I never remember 'trying' to get pregnant. Like you we had decided a child would be nice, soon after I went off pill and in a way 'forgot' about it.... No calculating, monitoring, timing, just got on with life as normal.
I now have 3 children and like you my husband works very hard, late nights, away a lot, totally occupied by it.
He is a great dad not involved in everything day to day or aware of their activities and schedule but has best interests at heart, loves, cares, supports them.
The work ethic or absorption I believe is a personality type as my husband sometimes sets a project for himself if has time off work and gets totally occupied by that also. So getting a week off doesn't mean he catching up on laundry, football matches ect

Everyone situation different I believe it all down to expectations. I know my husband works hard, is away a lot ect so do my children it our life we are happy with our set up.
Any time I found it difficult was mostly due to other people commenting and questioning as they did not understand friends or school mother who live a '50/50' life ( he was out a Sat night 3 weeks ago my turn now)

Hihellohi · 04/06/2021 23:26

“Motherhood changes you as a person. It lays bare all your insecurities. It's like a bomb going off in your life.”

Lol. Why do people say stuff like this?
Do they say this to men to before they become fathers?
It’s so cringey and bordering on “mummy martyrdom”
Being a mother may or may not change you in good and bad ways, just like other life experiences. For some women it can be the making of them, for the majority it’s probably somewhere in between and fluctuating regularly.
All of you lot insinuating that you feel “sad” and “sorry” for the OP - the negativity is palpable.
I bet you all roll your eyes when childfree people talk about how tired they are. Honestly, the judgyness on this thread is unreal.

MagentaDragon · 05/06/2021 00:16

@MandyMarr

Sorry that should say we are NOT massively massively wealthy!!!!
I was about to say, that's nowhere near wealthy. Yes a decent income will make your life easier but it isn't enough on its own. I earn nearly as much as you two combined, as a single parent, and it's still a struggle to afford nursery fees plus mortgage plus basic living costs and the odd holiday where we live. Your costs will be far higher with a family.
drivinmecrazy · 05/06/2021 00:20

Bloody hell, this thread!!
I'm so happy for those parents that weighed up all the pros and cons and decided, on balance, they would be fantastic parents.
Unfortunately I, like a majority of parents, did it on a wing and a prayer.
Guess what?
It was challenging, pushed us to limits we didn't know existed, taught us how to love and to be loved.
We now have two wonderful DDs about to enter the world on their own terms.
Had I spent all this time many of you seem to do navel gazing and planning we might have missed the magic.
Life rarely has a plan, if you're lucky it has a slide in which to trust with no idea of the destination.
Just enjoy the slide Grin

5475878237NC · 05/06/2021 00:24

This man can't communicate and is not able to discuss things that make him anxious so it isn't going to end like some of the happy endings here. Jumping in with someone like this is setting OP up for a very difficult lonely life.