I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

[quote MandyMarr]@LivingLaVidaCovid no I don’t have a spare 300k but I have 20k left on a mortgage that I could pay off at any time, I have two rental properties with an income, a wealthy family who would be there IF needed. As I said, it’s not massively wealthy but to be honest, I’d have to be extremely poor to not consider this because of money. Yes money helps but my god... life is too short!! If I spent the next 50 years planning for this in a precise perfect way, even then it wouldn’t be perfect!

I think the thing that has amazed me about this thread is that people seem keen to tell me it’s terrible and hard on a regular basis. I know that, not first hand but I know that my entire world will be different and hard and relentless. I still want this with DP. I don’t actually care about fancy holidays and trips and spare cash and nights out and peaceful evenings in the bath. Yes, I may look back and think if only I could have a night to myself. But believe me when I say I have indulged myself in life for a long time, I’m quite happy to give all that up for a family.[/quote]
'I know that'

Mate, with all respect, you really don't.

OP,

Until you have a baby in your arms 100% reliant on YOU for life you won't get it.

I don't believe most women do.

I hope this thread has shed a small bit of light on the different scenarios that might challenge you.

The very best of luck with your choices.

a very wise older midwife told me in the maternity hospital, stop holding her all the time, you’ll never be able to put her down and it will be hell

I disagree with this. I've had one child who couldn't be put down from the second they were born. And another who was happy on the play mat and in the Moses basket and preferred sleeping alone. I think it's luck of the draw. Same as how well they sleep and how easily they feed.

@Bluntness100

As naive as I seem to have been before this thread, the comments have certainly made me query my confidence and I’m sure that is a good thing...I need to times the ideas of tiredness, stress, exhaustion, etc by 100 it seems

Not necessarily to be honest. My husband was in the forces when I had my daughter and I didn’t find it difficult at all. And he went away for months on end. I worked, I’d pop her to the child minder during the day, collect her, spend evenings and weekends together and we were happy as Larry. She was just an extension of me.

But undoubtedly many people have babies who don’t sleep, or who they themselves struggle, with recovery, with feeding, with depression etc and it all becomes too much. No one can predict which camp you’ll fall into to

I formula fed and a very wise older midwife told me in the maternity hospital, stop holding her all the time, you’ll never be able to put her down and it will be hell. Wise words indeed. So my daughter right from the start was used to not being fed or held to sleep and was totally happy. Cuddles and play time was for when she was awake. So I was more than able to put her in her bouncy chair, crib, cot, and crack on with other things.

You were lucky @Bluntness100

That's all.

Op, you are on the wrong board. You need to go over the conception board. It is a nice place where you can talk to fellow women who are trying to conceive a baby. Few people are trying different methods and it is nice to have a place to chat to other people in similar circumstances.

Good luck with your new journey in life.

@WobblyMelon

Good luck to you then op, enjoy baby making!

^^this!

I think very few family set ups are completely perfect and you seem to have your eyes fairly open as to how it would be for you.
I am a bit concerned though that your partner's life probably won't change too much and he seems to have said that directly to you in a way.
Just out of interest, how busy is busy? What hours/days does he work?

Why on earth would you want a child with someone who sounds like they don't even care about you

Please do not bring a baby into this

You'll end up even more on your own but with a baby which is hard work at any age in any financial circumstances

I'd end the relationship and focus on looking for someone new

@Bluntness100 it’s great that the advice worked for you. But I had a lovely yet very very high needs baby who cried literally almost nonstop. It was heart rending and worrying. I kept asking people whether it was normal and kept being reassured it was. Of course the reality is only a small percentage of babies are so high need.

Dd nowadays is still very anxious and we now know she has asd. The advice you were given wouldn’t make any difference to her baby years or now.

Given that op’s dp and she suspects herself both have asd there is a higher likelihood her experience will be closer to mine than yours.

Of course nothing is set in stone - she might be one of the 14% of families with two partners with autistic traits to have a child without asd. Or her baby with asd may be much easier - lots of babies with asd are easier than mine was. But it just can’t be guaranteed.

I don't think the issue is about having a baby the issue is about having a baby with this man in this situation

@Foxhasbigsocks agreed. I think bluntness is very old school (eg "pick up baby every time they cry will make a rod for your own back" is completely at odds with current parenting advice). They were just lucky they had an easy baby. I had similar experiences to you with my first, who was dx with asd/adhd, and my subsequent other two were less fractious but by no means 'plug n play' and I think 'easy babies' are probably the exception to the rule based on my personal knowledge and peer group!

Easy babies are a matter of luck IMO.

What is he willing to change to have this child?

One of mine is like @Bluntness100 child, very easy and likes to sleep. 90% of this is due to luck and their personality, it is no exaggeration to say that they are all different, and some are so much easier than others. I also mostly formula fed due to breastfeeding not working well (meaning they were always full and were happy/slept) and didn't hold to sleep, it was a small factor too. The other is a different kettle of fish, they are much harder. It does change your experience and how much support you will need.

Good luck with the future! I know it's hard to hear the difficult side, we aren't trying to scare you, just giving our experiences and what we have learnt. I would listen to the SN mums as they have a good understanding of how things can be. MN is good for this, it is sometimes stressful to contemplate, but it is useful. I'm a sahm (not through choice) and reading about other experiences on here has helped me plan for my future so I don't get stuck with pensions/career future etc. It does make me more stressed about it though so I can understand how you feel.

@breakfastandteas I was most put out that I didn't get unicorn babies!!! 😂

[quote Foxhasbigsocks]@Bluntness100 it’s great that the advice worked for you. But I had a lovely yet very very high needs baby who cried literally almost nonstop. It was heart rending and worrying. I kept asking people whether it was normal and kept being reassured it was. Of course the reality is only a small percentage of babies are so high need.

Dd nowadays is still very anxious and we now know she has asd. The advice you were given wouldn’t make any difference to her baby years or now.

Given that op’s dp and she suspects herself both have asd there is a higher likelihood her experience will be closer to mine than yours.

Of course nothing is set in stone - she might be one of the 14% of families with two partners with autistic traits to have a child without asd. Or her baby with asd may be much easier - lots of babies with asd are easier than mine was. But it just can’t be guaranteed.[/quote]
Id actually like to say i have a child with asd and as a baby she was super calm not clingy, didnt actually liked to be picked up prefered to be laying down and i had generally quite an easy time. So definitely not nessassery will they be high needs baby if asd. What i find crazy reading the replies is assumption that when the father is spending a lot of time working they somehow shouldn't be able to have a child. The OP knows whats going to happen. She is not being tricked. How many famlies have fathers and mothers in high powered jobs CEOs etc who works long hours and still have children. They have a right to a family

@Duggeehugs82 love your username by the way - big dugeee fans in our house. It’s always time for dugee here!

I absolutely agree everyone has a right to a family. No one wants to deny op that, I don’t think. Just thinking it’s helpful to really get a bit of an insight into the possible reality of largely going it alone, with sn potentially in the mix and her own high powered job too.

Personally I had NO idea what my life would be like. Don’t regret it but has been like a tornado hitting here and my oh is around a lot. Hard even so!

Almost all the women on this thread now have children and quite a few may have had a relationship with some similarities to yours (though few to the same extent with such an unavailable/ workaholic partner). For us to hear you naïvely talk about knowingly having a baby with an unavailable workaholic (I know you love him) is painful. We want you to have the benefit of our hindsight! It seems such a shame that you can't seem to see this.

All the sacrifices you say you've made for him, the incredibly slow pace you say you have had to take in the relationship, the huge amount of patience you say you have had to have with him, the looking after of him you say you have done is a LOT. Even though you don't seem to see him a lot (do you live together?) you have already given a massive amount. You've given it because you love him, but also because you needed to to keep the relationship.

All of the info you have given is that, for you, he is a lovely boyfriend. But for me reading this - not a potential father to your children. You really want your child to have the best possible father they can. Because your child will be so loved and precious to you, you will want nothing less for them. Your partner, who is lovely boyfriend material (for you) does not sound like good father material, I'm sorry to say.

My advice would be to recognise this and don't go down a road with him he seems most unsuited to. Leave it as him being a lovely boyfriend and if you want to have children, look for someone not just suited to you, but suited to being a father.

I can tell you if you do have a child with him, your boyfriend will no longer be your priority to look after. Your baby will be your absolute focus and you will want that and welcome it. All the things that you did willingly for your boyfriend before you had children, the understanding you had about his work, the patience you had, the looking after you did will feel very different. The baby needs that nurturing, patience and love. Your boyfriend's needs and his unavailability will feel unacceptable. You will want your baby to have better. Don't just accept this for your future children when you already know what he is like.

@ovenchips

Almost all the women on this thread now have children and quite a few may have had a relationship with some similarities to yours (though few to the same extent with such an unavailable/ workaholic partner). For us to hear you naïvely talk about knowingly having a baby with an unavailable workaholic (I know you love him) is painful. We want you to have the benefit of our hindsight! It seems such a shame that you can't seem to see this.

All the sacrifices you say you've made for him, the incredibly slow pace you say you have had to take in the relationship, the huge amount of patience you say you have had to have with him, the looking after of him you say you have done is a LOT. Even though you don't seem to see him a lot (do you live together?) you have already given a massive amount. You've given it because you love him, but also because you needed to to keep the relationship.

All of the info you have given is that, for you, he is a lovely boyfriend. But for me reading this - not a potential father to your children. You really want your child to have the best possible father they can. Because your child will be so loved and precious to you, you will want nothing less for them. Your partner, who is lovely boyfriend material (for you) does not sound like good father material, I'm sorry to say.

My advice would be to recognise this and don't go down a road with him he seems most unsuited to. Leave it as him being a lovely boyfriend and if you want to have children, look for someone not just suited to you, but suited to being a father.

I can tell you if you do have a child with him, your boyfriend will no longer be your priority to look after. Your baby will be your absolute focus and you will want that and welcome it. All the things that you did willingly for your boyfriend before you had children, the understanding you had about his work, the patience you had, the looking after you did will feel very different. The baby needs that nurturing, patience and love. Your boyfriend's needs and his unavailability will feel unacceptable. You will want your baby to have better. Don't just accept this for your future children when you already know what he is like.

I think this is quite unfair to the OP. We do not know 100% what their relationship is like we just know snipits and if the boyfriend has autism then being super focused for work and struggling with relationships possibly due to being such a workaholic and what that entails is natural , its unfortunately the condition. Does that mean that all adults with autism who struggle with these things just doesnt deserve children. U have no idea how much of a parent he will be . U r assumming he wont be. What if he just needed encouragement and understanding and not just dismissiveness.

For what it is worth I absolutely disagree with this
I absolutely agree everyone has a right to a family.

No one has a right to children, absolutely no one.

Parents have a responsibility towards children it is very different.

@lakesummer I think it is a right in a sense? People have the right to reproduce if they wish and are able to. The state will only interfere and take people’s children away in the most serious of situations as this right to a family and private life is recognised legally eg in the human rights convention

If you do go ahead I would ask you to consider what the outcome could be.

Not when your child is 1 or 2 years old but when they get to mid to late teens. Be prepared they don’t stay young forever. They quickly grow up and if an absent father starts to tell them what they are doing wrong or trying to impart anything to them do you honestly expect them to abide by anything he says or listen to him or even love him?

@lakesummer

For what it is worth I absolutely disagree with this I absolutely agree everyone has a right to a family.

No one has a right to children, absolutely no one.

Parents have a responsibility towards children it is very different.

I agree with you so much on this. Unbelievable that anybody could be so selfish that they believe having a child is a right. Not want to become a parent because they can offer a child a good life, lots of love and attention, and a decent shot at becoming a happy and financially solvent adult themselves.

It's shocking how selfish many people seem to be, with no thought at all for the child or their future as a person.Newsflash, babies grow up to be children then teenagers then adults. This whole "I want a baby" thing is so awful, when parents have given zero thought to the person that the baby will become when they're not a baby anymore, and how such messed up familly dynamics will very likely impact them. ☹️

I’m not going to give my opinion on your DP as father material as that is not what you asked for. So the next step is just to agree with your DP that you stop using contraception and let nature takes its course. It should be a joint decision. But it does get a Little more tricky if it takes a while and you have to plan sex Around ovulation. With my first she was a happy accident although not being that careful. But my 2nd and very much wanted child I was having sex for 6 months and taking my temperature and peeing on ovulation sticks to increase my chances of success.

Does that mean that all adults with autism who struggle with these things just doesnt deserve children.

No, people with autism vary a lot. But the OP has not talked about people with autism in general, she has talked about her individual husband, what kind of person with autism he is. Her snapshots show some of the effort she has already put in and how needy and absent he is right now and has always been. The fact that he has diagnosed autism says that his needs aren't going to change or lessen after he has a child. But his needs will become much harder for her when she also has a child whose needs she is responsible for and whose needs he is unable to fulfill. And her snapshots of him haven't shown him doing any of the things for her (ar anyone else) that parents need to do to support each other and a child apart from earning a wage. That's why I asked her if he's supported her through any life crises, but she didn't answer. She is already having to put all the planning in to make their child happen and also to manage his anxiety for him. She says she can do it all for him and she wont be the first or last to believe that until it is too late.

They are already in a tricky situation because they see so little of each other, they can't just have lots of sex through the month. That's part of who he is (maybe part of who they both are). So planning is essential but planning is exactly what he can't do. His anxiety, absence and obsessive nature are red flags whether he has autism or not. So is the fact that she is already "managing" these issues for him whereas he doesn't manage them himself to ensure that her needs are met. Some of us have grown up with fathers who have these characteristics and blithely assuming "most people cope" isn't enough. A lot don't cope without lasting damage to themselves and their children.

* Does that mean that all adults with autism who struggle with these things just doesnt deserve children.*

It’s not about what adults do and don’t “deserve”.

It’s about what’s in best interests of the child

And it may mean that the way someone’s autism manifests itself means that it would be in everyone’s best interest that they did not have children.