I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

And you know that how?

It's the very basis of the thread.

I'm not sure it is.
The OP goes on to point out all the positives about her DP and their relationship.

Maybe you've just selected the negatives.
If you asked me to describe my DH I could probably name as many negatives (or maybe more) as I could positives.

My DH is not a great communicator nor is he greatly demonstrative.
Fortunately he's a fantastically caring , nurturing father and a pretty good husband.
Our DDs are much loved. One going into her third year at uni and the other about to begin her A levels.
I'm glad We didn't conceive them via a spread sheet or analytical planning.
Sometimes the best things happen in the moment

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I don't think autism is a reason not to conceive if you really want to, but you have to weigh up the possibility of looking after a child who may have it which would be very demanding. But then you could probably afford help on 180k.

VERY very naive considering he has a diagnosis and she believes she's on the spectrum herself - the overwhelming likelihood is any of their progeny will also have the condition and again, the kind of help needed is going to be extraordinary, not to mention that many times having such a child means one of you has to give up work. Even if the couple are both NT, autism is one of the conditions that results in the most divorces and splits.

When you have a condition with a known genetic component, having a baby just because you fancy is 'most people just cope' is beyond irresponsible. It needs a lot of thought and discussion and the OP's partner is incapable of such.

This is misleading. I am autistic. I asked for data about this from geneticists and experts in the field when pregnant. There is a hereditory link established that makes it more likely that austic parents will have an autistif child, but insufficient data exists at present to say how probable it is. Partly because so many people who are currently autistic adults are undiagnosed, most autistic people's genetics have not been sequenced and the actual genetic link to autism is still poorly understood.

Autism is a very wide spectrum and many of us live very successful lives, and our parents were perfectly able to continue life as much as a parent of a typical NT kid. This catastrophising about autism is so over the top. Yes for some people it affects them in ways that mean that they'll never be independent and is devastating and life changing for their family. But by no means all so please stop generalising in this manner.

Nor are the OP's DP's personality traits all necessarily related to his autism (although she has not actually confirmed he is diagnosed I don't think?? If not then this whole discussion is irrelevant). He is who he is and the reasons that many posters are urging caution about having children with him are his hyper-focus on work and emotional and physical unavailability, neither of which are specifically autistic things.

@drivinmecrazy

Bloody hell, this thread!! I'm so happy for those parents that weighed up all the pros and cons and decided, on balance, they would be fantastic parents. Unfortunately I, like a majority of parents, did it on a wing and a prayer. Guess what? It was challenging, pushed us to limits we didn't know existed, taught us how to love and to be loved. We now have two wonderful DDs about to enter the world on their own terms. Had I spent all this time many of you seem to do navel gazing and planning we might have missed the magic. Life rarely has a plan, if you're lucky it has a slide in which to trust with no idea of the destination. Just enjoy the slide

Glad it worked out so well for you. For many thatakes these choices on "a wing and a prayer" as you put it, it doesn't. It is never good advice to make the most important life decisions without any thought about the possible outcomes or consequences and how one might cope with them and this is often what leads to very tragic situations. I find your post irresponsible: it was fine for me so it'll be fine for you too!! Except basic logic shows that is a fallacy.

I don't believe any of us (maybe the psychic few ) could ever know how hard, fearful and triumphant raising a child could be until we've done it.

The worst kind of parent is one that goes in to it with an expectation of any kind.
If you have planned it down to a tee I salute you. However don't doubt the rest of us that do it on a wing and a prayer.
The OP may well get lucky, she's certainly starting from a position of strength and with her eyes wide open. More than many parents, myself included.

I don't believe any of us (maybe the psychic few ) could ever know how hard, fearful and triumphant raising a child could be until we've done it.

Agreed.

The worst kind of parent is one that goes in to it with an expectation of any kind.

Nope. The worst kind of parents are the abusive ones, trust me. Parents with unrealistic expectations are not even on the same scale as what some of us grew up with. Again: your rose-tinted glasses are distorting your vision.

If you have planned it down to a tee I salute you. However don't doubt the rest of us that do it on a wing and a prayer. The OP may well get lucky, she's certainly starting from a position of strength and with her eyes wide open. More than many parents, myself included.

Nobody can plan for everything and nobody is suggesting they should. But thinking through possible outcomes and how to cope with them is wise. People do this with planning holidays or house purchases so not to bother when it comes to bringing a new human into the world seems massively irresponsible. So that if everything doesn't work out all flowers and rainbows as it has for you, those children will still be ok. The whole point that posters have made is that - based on her own posts - her eyes are not wide open to the realities that may follow.

All parents posting seem to me to be loving parents who adore their children. That doesn't mean that people should pretend it's easy breezy 24/7 fun and fine to do on your own, no worries. I maintain a career and raise two children alone. It's hard. Just because you have not had to do it doesn't mean the OP should not think about it and whether she'd be ok with that, given what she's said about her relationship (many posters seem to agree) makes this a more likely long-term outcome.

The worst kind of parent is one that goes in to it with an expectation of any kind.

The other kind, not that I've met them, must be terribly indifferent.

I was about to say, that's nowhere near wealthy. Yes a decent income will make your life easier but it isn't enough on its own. I earn nearly as much as you two combined, as a single parent, and it's still a struggle to afford nursery fees plus mortgage plus basic living costs and the odd holiday where we live. Your costs will be far higher with a family.

Obviously though because of the way the tax system discriminates against single parents works you'll get far more state help and pay less tax than me even though there are two of you to care for your child, as you said you both earn pretty much the same. So you'll get 20% discount on childcare and 30hrs free childcare when your child turns 3 and have twice the income I do before you pay any tax and pay much lower tax overall as you get to earn twice as much as a couple before each threshold hike in tax rate... so you will be much better off than me as a single parent earning similar! Even though there'd be two of you to share childcare/ work between you. So yeah, it's doable.

Is it exhausting and all-consuming between work and children? Yes. Is it ideal, even with that income, if one parent doesn't pull their weight? No. You love your DP now and I hope if you do this you still feel like that after a few years with kids but if he's largely absent from taking responsibility at home, and you've always been financially independent and had a career too, I'd be shocked if you're still ok with this status quo in 5 years,

All of this is meant kindly.

Ummm. OP - you mention your mortgage and his mortgage. Does that mean you don’t live together yet?

[quote MandyMarr]@WobblyMelon but I am going into it with limited expectations of him? It’s really no different to speed donation, except DP wants this[/quote]
Wow. You say you really want a baby with this man but view him the same as a sperm donor? OP I totally understand that you want children. But believe me, this situation will not make you happy if even at this point this is what you envisage. It's not the same as using an actual sperm donor because he's meant to be your partner and will be the child's father and do nothing and you will resent him massively. This will also be a very sad situation for your child.

Like a pp, this was me. We are now separated. I could handle the loneliness before we had kids but afterwards it can breed resentment and a gap between you which you may not anticipate.
Also if you want more than one child as I did it really does become a problem being married to a workaholic.

On the flipSide it might just turn out fine.
I couldn't have predicted what kind of mother I would be. In fact I turned out to be the complete antithesis of what I would have predicted (happily).
Point being non amount of planning and second guessing will ever come close to the reality of parenting.
I haven't seen much that suggests the OP is any more naive than I was. In fact she seems pretty aware that she's unprepared for parenthood.
That to me suggests she's a realist.
I'm so pleased MN wasn't a thing when we had our first child, the standards some hold the rest of us to is not a realistic bar.
We are all flawed, we're not perfect.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Those posters who are saying it's not all a bed of roses are wearing the same tinted glasses as me, only mine are half full and some are half empty. Neither is right.
That's the lottery of parenting.
As long as we go into it with love we're already a mile ahead of the rest however our journey takes us

@drivinmecrazy

On the flipSide it might just turn out fine. I couldn't have predicted what kind of mother I would be. In fact I turned out to be the complete antithesis of what I would have predicted (happily). Point being non amount of planning and second guessing will ever come close to the reality of parenting. I haven't seen much that suggests the OP is any more naive than I was. In fact she seems pretty aware that she's unprepared for parenthood. That to me suggests she's a realist. I'm so pleased MN wasn't a thing when we had our first child, the standards some hold the rest of us to is not a realistic bar. We are all flawed, we're not perfect. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Those posters who are saying it's not all a bed of roses are wearing the same tinted glasses as me, only mine are half full and some are half empty. Neither is right. That's the lottery of parenting. As long as we go into it with love we're already a mile ahead of the rest however our journey takes us

It isn't a lottery. As I said previously I'm pleased it worked out well for you. That is no reason to be balzé about someone else bringing a human being into the world who will need two emotionally available parents to have a good chance of growing up to be a happy human being (and I say this as a single parent).

Of course we are all flawed. Or course it isn't easy. Nobody is disputing that. Or course it's always a risk. But better a calculated risk made based on a rational assessment of available information than just "oh you love him, go for it then!" 🙄😒

@drivinmecrazy I think you are giving very bad advice to the OP that she may live to regret. 😔 Even with finances, that doesn't make it all ok! Someone still needs to be the main carer, and take on all that responsibility even if they work full time.

But even if all things were equal there are no guarantees.
You are implying only a perfect couple with all their ducks in a row should even consider having sex much less have a baby.
I'm interested to know what your 'must have's' are for even thinking about conceiving a child?
What is the perfect equation?

@drivinmecrazy

But even if all things were equal there are no guarantees. You are implying only a perfect couple with all their ducks in a row should even consider having sex much less have a baby. I'm interested to know what your 'must have's' are for even thinking about conceiving a child? What is the perfect equation?

That isn't what I've been saying at all. I'm not sure if you are deliberately trying to pretend you don't understand my posts, they have been pretty clear. My point is that things go wrong all the time, and that people suggesting the OP will cope fine just because she has some money may be mistaken; PND etc are not fixed by any amount of cash and an absent husband. I am trying to encourage her to ensure she has proper support in place for when the difficulty of maintaining a career AND having children hits the fan, as that is what she said she intends to do. From your comments I'm not remotely convinced that you've done this: maintained a difficult career in the professions and simultaneously been the main carer of children on your own.

And I'm not sure that I'm giving misleading or dangerous misinformation either.
Because i come from it with positive experiences it neither trumps your story nor dismisses it. It's just different.
You've found your experience to be different than mine but I cannot see how either of us can foresee how the OPs journey will finish.
Life is a huge throw of the dice, we try to control what we can, the rest of it we just deal with.

@drivinmecrazy

And I'm not sure that I'm giving misleading or dangerous misinformation either. Because i come from it with positive experiences it neither trumps your story nor dismisses it. It's just different. You've found your experience to be different than mine but I cannot see how either of us can foresee how the OPs journey will finish. Life is a huge throw of the dice, we try to control what we can, the rest of it we just deal with.

Your personal experience doesn't trump data. I'm glad you were lucky, really. But stop trying to present it as your experience = what will likely happen. There's a HUGE leap there that the data does not support.

Sorry posted before I read your most recent.
In answer to your points, no I do not have a career now. I gave it up when I fell pregnant twenty one years ago. That was my choice and one that I'm happy with.
I suffered horrendous PND with DD1 desperately. It was an horrendous time for myself and my DH.
I can give you more examples of how we have had to deal with all that life might those at you bit I'd be in danger of writing a book.
I'm not sure what point you are trying to push , you seem to be suggesting I've never bought up a child in challenging or difficult circumstances.
I'm sure most parents would say that's true for them.

Why should it be any different or harder for the OP?

Life is a huge throw of the dice, we try to control what we can, the rest of it we just deal with.

So we shouldn't even bother trying to look at petterns and figure out likely out outcomes from actions? Sciences? Maths? Psychology? All a waste of time based on your argument, just do whatever you feel like doing with zero regard for consequences or likely outcomes.

If there are many people who think lilke you, no wonder the world is such a mess.

@drivinmecrazy

Sorry posted before I read your most recent. In answer to your points, no I do not have a career now. I gave it up when I fell pregnant twenty one years ago. That was my choice and one that I'm happy with. I suffered horrendous PND with DD1 desperately. It was an horrendous time for myself and my DH. I can give you more examples of how we have had to deal with all that life might those at you bit I'd be in danger of writing a book. I'm not sure what point you are trying to push , you seem to be suggesting I've never bought up a child in challenging or difficult circumstances. I'm sure most parents would say that's true for them. Why should it be any different or harder for the OP?

Sorry you had to deal with PND. Not had it myself but friends did and it was horrific.

I suppose the obvious question is with your "wing and a prayer" philosophy on life, what would you have done - and how would life have been for you and your children - if your partner had decided to run off at that point and leave you with babies to care for and PND? Would you have been able to support them properly financially and emotionally?

@drivinmecrazy what you conveniently avoided about my posts was the part about supporting the children yourself financially by keeping a challenging career going while also being their main carer. I suspect therefore that you haven't done this, and are not the person to be able to answrr to concerns I raised to the OP about what she'd do if things went wrong.

She said her family has money. But presumably at some point you'd be expected to be an adult and support yourself and your own family, otherwise it would become rather infantilising and embarrassing.

I would have struggled but likely would have managed, I'm pretty resourceful as are many people.
I'm sorry life may not treat people the way that they deserve but surely we enter into any or all relationships with a glass half full approach.
Some glasses are drained and some are refilled to the brim, that's the nature of love and friendship surely.
If I'd have done as you suggest and weigh up every consideration I might still be here, on my own, at 50 years old too scared to take a leap.
Babies wouldn't be born and kittens would be in bonnets if we went on your theory

I think go ahead but this is what you will be in for:
You aren’t married, you aren’t massively wealthy and you may find yourself not financially independent. There are a range of possibilities for your Dh and one is he’s on the spectrum which increases the chance your children are which means they will need more help and support and you seem clear he won’t provide it. So your career might go down the toilet, you resent him massively and he doesn’t understand why you are not working because he doesn’t get extra needs and isn’t that what childcare is for so why would I fund you to stay at home, and you realise he’s massively self centred and it’s impossible to continue to think he loves you or the baby when he won’t show it by caring for you and contributing. Babies and Children need love and support all the time. Very loving when he gets home at 10pm doesn’t even begin to make a dad.
Have you asked him: why do you want a child? if we had a baby and they were poorly and couldn’t go to childcare, would you go pick them up? Childcares typically open at 7:30 and close at 6- would it suit you better to drop them off or to pick them up?
You would have to take paternity leave, minimum 2 weeks, and you won’t be able to stipulate precisely when as babies don’t arrive on schedule. On paternity leave you may not dial into work, you are looking after me and baby.
The father of my child needs to be able to dress them, cook them a healthy meal, feed them, bath them and put them to bed. Are you prepared to do that?

I couldn’t do it with your dh. I’m still financially independent because we share the parenting so we can both work full time, I do drop off, he does pick up, we split the If he were like yours I don’t know if I’d have divorced him as there’s a high risk I sliced him into 1000 pieces with a rusty spoon first, shitty dads give me the rage (mind you my dh made wedding vows to me, yours hasn’t made you any promises). I’d never even have supported him to work while unmarried though the way you have.

Why is it infantilising and embarrassing not to have a fully fledged and fulfilling career ?
I can assure you I did have a full and fulfilling career before I had children.
I don't mock you because you have one now so don't think you should do so to me.
I chose to give up my career because it was not conducive to parenthood twenty years ago.
Please don't think all non career women are without voices or choices. Quite the contrary.