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Original poster

I just want his baby, what can I do?

735 replies

MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 18:49

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:05

@HollowTalk I don’t think he wouldn’t want to spend time with us, he absolutely would. I just meant I know I would be the main caregiver

OP posts:
Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:05

@Aquamarine1029

I’m aware I could be completely underestimating the work involved but I also know I would be ok.

Not once have you mentioned anything about the wellbeing of the child. Sure, you might be ok, but what about your child who has to grow up with an absent, disinterested father they never see? Why subject a child to that?

@Aquamarine1029 DP has always wanted a child. I know he would love the child. I have no concerns there at all.
OP posts:
MiddleParking · 03/06/2021 19:06

If you decide you don’t want a disinterested workaholic for a boyfriend you can chuck him and get another one. Your child will only ever get to have one father.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Orf1abc · 03/06/2021 19:08

Are you willing to give up your career? Few lone parents manage to maintain their careers whilst having a young child, and that's what you'll effectively be.

Bythemillpond · 03/06/2021 19:08

How can anyone be a great dad of they aren’t there?

If he can’t find time for you he certainly won’t find time for a baby that is up every 2 hours for an hours feed.

Yes he wants a baby

Yes he wants to be a SAHD

But he doesn’t want any input short of a deposit that a sperm bank will give you and at least you can plan your life how you want and don’t have to wait for scraps

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 03/06/2021 19:08

Well if I was you I wouldn't want a child with someone who isn't totally into it and ready to make it the most important thing. You might be ok with "doing the leg work" bu what about the child who grows up knowing that it's not as important as work to its dad? When its dad isnt there for parents evening and the school show because hes busy with work? When it has to keep the noise down becuase dads working and there are few to no family days out becuase dad's working?
Are you really going to be ok when you're talking a break from your "high flying career" and doing all the night feeds and nappies when your DH just pats babys head and goes off to work? When hes getting mad at you for wanting more family time because "you knew before you got pregnant his career comes first"? You need to really think about this and if it's fair on the child most importantly, and what would happen if you ever divorced or if something was to happen to you like illness or worse (not a good thing to think about, but you do need to), and how he'd fit a child into his life if you weren't there. But if you do pick him as the father of your child I think he needs to know you're "trying" because if you dont tell him it seems like hes set up a good way of saying "Well you got pregnant, you wanted this, I didn't agree to try so you'll have to do everything becuase you wanted this and you didnt say we were trying", so I think you should either actually talk about trying (and if that's too stressful having a child is even less of a good idea....) or agree you'll stop contraception but not do all the ovulation and tracking but just see when it happens.

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:09

Ok I wasn’t expecting people to lay into DP!

I kind of wanted advice on how to go about this with timings of sex etc given DP would be very stressed having it all planned out.Just wanted to talk it through. I don’t think it matters DP has an intense job, he is still capable of being loving.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/06/2021 19:10

This man sounds very selfish.

He's 'immersed' in his work and you've had to make sacrifices due to this.

He's always made it clear his work is 'very central to him' and yet he still wants a relationship as well, knowing the other person will have to make sacrifices for his chosen job.

Now he wants a baby as the cherry on the top but he won't have much time for that either.

Is he some kind of God? Seriously OP, you're worth more than this.

Shoxfordian · 03/06/2021 19:11

Is he always stressed at his job or is it just your relationship that makes him too stressed to make any decisions?

JoyOrbison · 03/06/2021 19:11

I'd plan marriage to protect yourself if it freaks your dp out in the long term. Ducks in a row etc, however then that seems like a really back to front way of planning things! Planni g in case of a divorce before marriage to have a child...

MrsBobDylan · 03/06/2021 19:11

If you go ahead with this, I can practically guarantee that him not being home until 10pm when you have been stuck with a crying baby all day, following no sleep the night before, will raise your relationship to the ground.

He doesn't even want to be involved in planning this baby, how will he cope with the stress of actually having one.

This has disaster written all over it.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/06/2021 19:11

If you are going to be the main (sole)careprovider, then it is your job which will take the hit..there is always a hit. Because of that, it makes sense for you to be married ( or civil partnered if that works better for you) so that if you separate/split, you are compensated for allowing him to continue to have a high flying career whilst yours will almost certainly have suffered. The financial implications of the mummy track are well known, but I'm drawing your attention to them now, just in case you forgot!

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:12

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

Well if I was you I wouldn't want a child with someone who isn't totally into it and ready to make it the most important thing. You might be ok with "doing the leg work" bu what about the child who grows up knowing that it's not as important as work to its dad? When its dad isnt there for parents evening and the school show because hes busy with work? When it has to keep the noise down becuase dads working and there are few to no family days out becuase dad's working? Are you really going to be ok when you're talking a break from your "high flying career" and doing all the night feeds and nappies when your DH just pats babys head and goes off to work? When hes getting mad at you for wanting more family time because "you knew before you got pregnant his career comes first"? You need to really think about this and if it's fair on the child most importantly, and what would happen if you ever divorced or if something was to happen to you like illness or worse (not a good thing to think about, but you do need to), and how he'd fit a child into his life if you weren't there. But if you do pick him as the father of your child I think he needs to know you're "trying" because if you dont tell him it seems like hes set up a good way of saying "Well you got pregnant, you wanted this, I didn't agree to try so you'll have to do everything becuase you wanted this and you didnt say we were trying", so I think you should either actually talk about trying (and if that's too stressful having a child is even less of a good idea....) or agree you'll stop contraception but not do all the ovulation and tracking but just see when it happens.
@LifesNotEnidBlyton I think I would be ok with leaving work for a while. I know it may and probably would impact my career.

I just feel sure about it. I love DP and don’t mind him working and being busy. We have been happy. Maybe my expectations are low.

OP posts:
MouseholeCat · 03/06/2021 19:12

Do not just become lax with contraception. You have no idea how he will actually react when this happens and a pregnancy that isn't wanted by both partners is a very painful experience.

Sit him down and talk about whether he is happy to stop using contraception and just leave it up to nature. If he's okay with that, you're both going ahead as consenting partners.

That conversation may give him anxiety, but you also need to think about protecting you in this situation.

hatcoatscarfalcohol · 03/06/2021 19:12

Yes I am ok with it, as I said in my OP.

What about the child? Why are you assuming they'll be ok with having one parent who doesn't prioritise them or place value on being around for them or parenting them?

With respect, you're talking about bringing a person into the world so their needs and wants are more important than yours. It doesn't matter if you as an adult have accepted it, if they as a child are going to grow up feeling rejected and unwanted.

I really do not understand your definition of "great dad". You've outlined your expectation that he'll never be around, won't participate in family life, won't take or share any of the responsibility for raising a child, then declared he'll be great. At what? Playing with them occasionally?

CasaBonita · 03/06/2021 19:12

I do think it's very naive of you to think you can do the lions share happily on your own and for him to be flitting in and out of parenthood when he has the time.

I can tell you that parenthood often breeds resentment and bitterness, especially in the pre school years. When you're on your knees with exhaustion, boredom and possibly PND (if you're unlucky) then I promise you that him being a part time parent will really piss you off!

I mean you are obviously going to do it anyway and undoubtedly you don't want to hear the truth, that this is a bad idea. So I'm not really sure what advice anyone can really offer?!

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:14

@WorraLiberty when you say it like that it makes me question myself! I love him a lot though. I really do. He makes me laugh like nobody else and I am happy with him. But yes I’ve given up a lot, travelled round for him and supported him and been very very patient at times.

The poster who asked if he’s always stressed...I wouldn’t say stressed is the word, just preoccupied with work a lot of the time if not always.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 03/06/2021 19:14

I don’t think conception is the thing you need to be focusing on tbh - ok, you come off the pill and get pregnant, you’re both happy. Fast forward nine months -

Will you take mat leave? Will he take pat leave? How much, in each case?

Will you want to go back to work? FT? PT?

Assuming that he’s still married to his job, do you collectively have the income to pay for FT nursery / a nanny more feasibly, to facilitate two high-powered jobs? The scenario where you’re both working but his job automatically takes precedence and you get the call when DC gets chicken pox is going to, over time, adversely affect your career but not his. Are you ok with that?

If you’re happy to step back while he carries on with work, are you comfortable with what that entails in practice? All the drudgery, night wakings, laundry, nursery/school admin, holiday planning, presumably spending most of your waking hours being the “on” parent, even at weekends?

I have friends with spouses like your DH. The only time is seems to work, ime, is either a) rock solid reliable nanny who can stay late at the drop of a hat, cook etc or b) husband keeps his job and wife is happy to be “kept” and do all the child stuff.

TedHastingsweeDonkey · 03/06/2021 19:14

You are massively underestimating the work involving the first few years, especially the new born stage. You need a partner to support you, to be a team and be there for you and baby. If your husband is not around, who will be there to support you?

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2021 19:15

[quote MandyMarr]@WorraLiberty when you say it like that it makes me question myself! I love him a lot though. I really do. He makes me laugh like nobody else and I am happy with him. But yes I’ve given up a lot, travelled round for him and supported him and been very very patient at times.

The poster who asked if he’s always stressed...I wouldn’t say stressed is the word, just preoccupied with work a lot of the time if not always.[/quote]
Can I ask what you've got against marriage OP and all the protection that brings?

tbtf · 03/06/2021 19:15

Ok, if you're certain he's the right guy for this then just say to him "I'm going to stop taking the pill" or whatever method you're on. Make sure you tell him way in advance, don't just become lax. Then carry on your normal sex life, if after a few months nothing's happened you can start tracking your cycle and managing it, initiating sex on the right days etc, then after a year you'll have to have the conversation again about him actively trying and planning with you properly.

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:15

@hatcoatscarfalcohol

Yes I am ok with it, as I said in my OP.

What about the child? Why are you assuming they'll be ok with having one parent who doesn't prioritise them or place value on being around for them or parenting them?

With respect, you're talking about bringing a person into the world so their needs and wants are more important than yours. It doesn't matter if you as an adult have accepted it, if they as a child are going to grow up feeling rejected and unwanted.

I really do not understand your definition of "great dad". You've outlined your expectation that he'll never be around, won't participate in family life, won't take or share any of the responsibility for raising a child, then declared he'll be great. At what? Playing with them occasionally?

@hatcoatscarfalcohol people in intense jobs have children all the time though? Do I need to break up with him and find someone less into work to be fair to a child? That seems strange?
OP posts:
Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:16

@WorraLiberty I guess I don’t think about marriage as I have my own financial security.

OP posts:
sparemonitor · 03/06/2021 19:16

Don't you dare downgrade your work unless you're married. He's going to be a crap dad. How old are you? Time enough to leave and find someone else?

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:16

@TedHastingsweeDonkey

You are massively underestimating the work involving the first few years, especially the new born stage. You need a partner to support you, to be a team and be there for you and baby. If your husband is not around, who will be there to support you?
@TedHastingsweeDonkey people manage though don’t they? Even if I found it unbearably hard, I think I would manage.
OP posts: