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Original poster

I just want his baby, what can I do?

735 replies

MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 18:49

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

OP posts:
MummyDummyNow · 03/06/2021 18:53

If he doesn't have much time for you now, surely it'll be the same when you have a child? Holidays just you and your son/daughter?

Notaroadrunner · 03/06/2021 18:54

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship

And you honestly believe he will be a great dad? I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who would put their job first. You have zero guarantee that he will help with a baby given he just about gives you a date once a week. And it's all very well to say you don't mind doing all the leg work, but it's a very different story when a baby arrives and you are faced with many sleepless nights etc.

Fifilafrog · 03/06/2021 18:54

Sometimes too much choice/planning is a bad thing. We have the luxury of "being ready" whatever that means these days with contraception etc. I used to stress over this loads. Then we had a, I prefer the term, "surprise" pregnancy. Best thing that ever happened. Wish I had been "surprise" earlier in hindsight. Not sure I would ever have been "ready". Good luck! X

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Families
Grizalda · 03/06/2021 18:54

Regardless of how you get pregnant, you need to have a long and deep conversation on what having kids looks like for you as a couple.
You're going to be doing it alone, basically. He's going to be a part time dad that's only there for the good bits.
I'm you, but 20 years down the line. It's shit. We're separating and I should have gone a long time ago.

LittleBearPad · 03/06/2021 18:54

If you are both willing to have a child, with all that entails, then stop the contraception.

However you are possibly going to be very much responsible for this child as he will always prioritise his job. Are you up for that? Willing to have to explain for the umpteenth time that Daddy’s busy, that they’ll see him in a few days etc. Children know when they aren’t someone’s priority and it’s not great for them.

MummyDummyNow · 03/06/2021 18:55

Sorry posted too soon. You have lots of quiet nights alone now, will this change if you have a baby? Really not meaning to be harsh, but having a baby is such hard work, and even worse if you're resenting your partner as they're never there, not helping out.

mineofuselessinformation · 03/06/2021 18:56

Absolutely do not 'accidentally' get pregnant.
He may well resent you for it. Having a baby needs to be a conscious choice by both of you.

Shoxfordian · 03/06/2021 18:56

Don’t just become lax with the contraception!

Does he have to put thought and planning into his very important job? Why can’t he put it into your relationship?

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2021 18:56

He needs to shit or get off the pot.

Kids take (or should) time to plan and a big part of that plan for me would be how much time he's considering spending with this child.

I also wouldn't plan a child outside of marriage but you might be ok with that.

HollowTalk · 03/06/2021 18:56

Why on earth would you want a child with him? It sounds like a very lonely life for you now, where you're facilitating his life and he's not even thinking that you don't want to live like that.

romdowa · 03/06/2021 18:57

I'd be concerned that having a talk about trying to conceive will send him into a panic. What will he be like if you actually succeed?

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 18:57

Yes I am ok with it, as I said in my OP. I love DP and accept his job and always have done.

I just don’t know how to go about this next stage as it feels like I’m controlling it a bit, he’s not there to plan the days to have sex etc. I know if it happened he would be there. Yes I will do the lion’s share of all the care but as I said, im going into it with my eyes open. I want this with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 18:59

He definitely wants a child, it matters to him a lot. He has always talked about it but only recently said all of this about wanting it to suddenly happen. He is on the spectrum and actually planning something like this would cause him stress and anxiety, which he has expressed to me himself.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 03/06/2021 19:00

I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

Are you saying that you see this man once a week?

Why would you choose this man to be the father of your child when you already know he will hardly ever be around for either of you?

The child will feel sad and you will feel resentful.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2021 19:00

Whoa. I really think you need to rethink everything.

I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Workoholics rarely, if ever, are "great dad's." They are self-absorbed, selfish, and more than a little narcissistic. Your partner sounds just like this from your post. He can't even bother to go on a decent holiday with you, his partner. He will be a rubbish father.

As for the "leg work", it is very, very easy to say that you'll be "ok" with having to do absolutely everything, but I guarantee this is not how you'll feel when you actually have a child to raise. I mean this gently, but you just don't know what you're going on about. Having children is wonderful, but it is also extremely challenging. It changes everything.

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:00

No I don’t see him once a week. I see him regularly but he often gets home at 10pm

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 03/06/2021 19:01

Is he a Dr?!

If its what you guys want then just stop using contraception. You dont have to 'try' as such. If it happens, it happens. Although your chances are greatly increased if you have sex when you're ovulating, so you might want to keep a track of that and 'not try' around then.....

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:02

@Aquamarine1029 I’m aware I could be completely underestimating the work involved but I also know I would be ok.

I love DP. I want his child. I don’t mind taking on this and looking after his child. My post was more about how to go about this now.

OP posts:
AndroidsAliensAndWizards · 03/06/2021 19:02

I would want a discussion about how the parents will be shared. It's all good and well him saying he'd be happy if you had an accident and the idea of actually trying stressing him out.

Plans need to be made for how you'll parent something you don't find yourself in the position of him continuing to work his long hours and leave you do to take the career hit and do everything baby related.

Or what if he expects to do what he said and be the one who leaves his job and you be solely responsible for the bills etc. If you feel he didn't mean it when he said it then I'd not be so certain he means what he says when he says he will be happy if you accident got pregnant.

Children come with planning, budgeting, daycare, schools, routines, socialising, health appointments etc and if he's expecting you to do all that because he panics then he needs to clearly say this so you at least know it's all on you to do on top of your career, if he wants to be the parent at home he needs to learn to be able to plan around his child's needs.

Shoxfordian · 03/06/2021 19:03

Are you working? I assume you’re not married

Might be an idea to do that first

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:03

@Letsallscreamatthesistene no he’s not... are they known for being a workaholic?! Yes I just feel like it’s daunting looking at all that on my own without his direct involvement

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/06/2021 19:03

You understand that if he's autistic the chance of your child being autistic is much higher, don't you? If he isn't prepared to spend time with you and the child, you might really struggle.

GameSetMatch · 03/06/2021 19:04

This seems like a disaster waiting to happen. It’s REALLY HARD raising a child! I think you’d be surprised how much support you will need in the first few weeks with a first child. Please don’t go in to this with your eyes closed,

Original poster
MandyMarr · 03/06/2021 19:04

@Shoxfordian I work. I earn similar to him. I’m not worried about finances.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2021 19:05

I’m aware I could be completely underestimating the work involved but I also know I would be ok.

Not once have you mentioned anything about the wellbeing of the child. Sure, you might be ok, but what about your child who has to grow up with an absent, disinterested father they never see? Why subject a child to that?