I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

Has he ever mentioned marriage?

It’s fine having your own decent income but I wouldn’t be making big sacrifices for a boyfriend’s job if that job wouldn’t bring me any official benefits.

I also wouldn’t have a baby with a man who wasn’t enthusiastically on board.

Some people are lucky, have a shag, conceive quickly and have a straight forward delivery with a healthy easy going baby.

Other people aren’t and it takes a long time to conceive, they have miscarriages, need fertility treatment, have difficult pregnancies, complicated deliveries and babies with health issues. Some get a handful of those to deal with.

Is this the man you want by your side if any of that happens?

How can he find the idea of ttc and stopping contraception too stressful but think he can handle the rest of what’s possible?

I just cannot imagine what he's going to be like as a parent if you can't talk to him about getting pregnant. You must be very happy with very little emotional contact with him, or have never known anything different.

I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t want a DP like mine.
What?

@Notagain20 I’m not sure. It was me who was hesitant to carry on the conversation when he brought it up recently. I changed topic. I just would prefer it happened like he said than have to have discussions. Maybe that’s weird. It probably is.

Even assuming you have a healthy, neurotypical child - and your changes of a child who has autism are a lot higher than average, with a diagnosed DF - a child is going to introduce a whole lot MORE chaos and stress to your life.

So what will he do then? Become more rigid, hide in work more. Expect you to do more and more emotional labour to protect him from that, just as he's trained you to do now to the extent that you can't even talk to him about trying, which of all the difficult conversations you will need to have as a parent is not even close to the top.

If you choose to structure your entire life around managing him and his job, knock yourself out, you're an adult. Don't put that burden on a child.

My husband works insane hours. At one point when our oldest two were very small he was working 19 hour days. He’s an amazing father. Always has been. I’d rather my children have an involved, focused, loving dad who’s around a little less than an indifferent one who’s home more! He’s been able to dial work back a little bit in the last two years and it’s been very nice but I didn’t struggle and don’t regret doing a lot of the baby stuff on my own.

I can just about get my head round you enjoying having him as a partner because everyone is different in what they find attractive or how much intimacy they want, but to think that he will be any kind of father is absolutely beyond my imagination!

I would really encourage you to listen to what people are saying - I'm wondering why no one in your real life has had these conversations with you

No I certainly wouldn’t want a partner like him. I’m all for people with good jobs who work hard (I am one) but not work obsessed bores.

If your child has an autistic parent, they have a massively higher chance of being autistic themselves.

If your partner is on the spectrum he may find having a baby and doing his job too overwhelming.

If you have a child without being married and work fewer hours, you're putting yourself at massive financial long-term risk.

As for your age - have you heard of the sunk costs fallacy?

@mineofuselessinformation

Absolutely do not 'accidentally' get pregnant. He may well resent you for it. Having a baby needs to be a conscious choice by both of you.

This, completely. For heaven's sake, think of the child, not just your own whims.

@HollowTalk

If your child has an autistic parent, they have a massively higher chance of being autistic themselves.

If your partner is on the spectrum he may find having a baby and doing his job too overwhelming.

If you have a child without being married and work fewer hours, you're putting yourself at massive financial long-term risk.

As for your age - have you heard of the sunk costs fallacy?

@HollowTalk I love him though. I would be breaking up with him to try and find someone else at 35 nearly.

I'd marry him first. He'll be an absent father working all hours, that'll put immense strain on your relationship. If it goes tits up it'll be your high flying career taking the hit. If you're not married you have very little protection.

My DP promised family would come first once we had a baby. He was just like your DP.

He didn't change. I do everything and work full time. Life is hard work and I am nobody's priority.

Thinking you're okay with it and actually being able to cope when you're absolutely demented from sleep deprivation and mentally can't cope with loading a dishwasher let alone whatever you do for your high flying career.

I love DP and he is a good dad, but ultimately he has a limited relationship
With his son because of work and my mental health is in the gutter.

Think long and hard about your decisions. Lone parenting (basically), maintaining a relationship and returning to a career is an absolute grind. Do not kid yourself and be prepared for resentment.

@MandyMarr

I have to say I feel quite confused now after reading these posts! I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t want a DP like mine. I’m mostly proud of him and happy for him and think he is wonderful. I don’t see him as self absorbed but I’m now wondering what lens I’ve been looking through!

The thing is OP, is that when in a relationship, as 2 adults, you find a medium that works for you both. For you it seems that you're quite content for him to put his job before you and your relationship, but when you have a child it doesn't work like that. Him prioritising his work will have a big impact on you and a hypothetical child, you might think ah I don't mind picking up the slack, but it's bloody hard.

It doesn't have to be 'trying'. You don't have to do it like that.

You often don't get to just decide to have a baby anyway. You don't need to suddenly launch into a world of ovulation kits and planning.

He's basically said he'd be happy if it happened naturally. So I think he needs to either be ok with it happening naturally and stop trying to actively prevent it, or admit that he's stringing you along.

[quote MandyMarr]@Sometimesfraught82 I could be being naive but that is how I believe DP would be. When we spend time together it is wonderful and that’s why I have put up with his job.[/quote]
The flip side to that is that my dad was also like that (missed a school play that I had written to go to his office Christmas party, didn’t go to a single sports day or parents evening, arrived home after I went to bed and left before ai woke up, spent weekends “resting” with a newspaper in the garden, we weren’t allowed to disturb him because he was tired).

I loved him and he was fun on holidays when he was around. He died suddenly when ai was 10, and my life was immediately so much better. He had good life insurance so our financial situation didn’t change, but suddenly my mum was able to do stuff with us without my dad being an albatross round our necks.

She could take us on holiday, take us to do activities that we would never had been able to do when he was around because he would have been working or tired, my mum was present to cheerlead me and there was never any sense of “oh I wonder if Dad will come or not” - honestly my life has turned out so much better than it would have done if he hadn’t died.

He wasn’t abusive or anything, but I wouldn’t have a child with anybody like that.

You want a child for you, not for him/her. This man is on the spectrum, you go and have a child with him, you could end up with a child whose needs are far more severe than his. He won't be a 'great father', you just want to believe this because your clock is ticking.

Do you have the money to afford help? Ie cleaner, gardener, odd jobs, childcare, baby sitter plus a parent/sibling who could help you out if you or your child was sick? As long as you have some back up - paid and family then I'd say just go for it! Stop using contraception and see what happens - he's told you this is the way he wants it after all!!

I don't understand how you think you have financial security if you're not married and you are relying on your professional job. You're already feeling soppy about potential child (and why the hell shouldn't you be). You might not want/be energetic enough to go back full time. Then you'll have much less coming in. How about if DP refuses to pay for childcare as it "stresses him out to have a nanny come into the house/make nursery pickup time" or something like that. Please at least get married first.

Being autistic doesn't mean someone can't engage with the realities of adult life. Plenty of people on the spectrum work around it and get support so they can be good parents.

[quote MandyMarr]@WorraLiberty I guess I don’t think about marriage as I have my own financial security.[/quote]
You won’t though if you have to drop your hours or give up work. Which is likely given you’ve already said you’ll be doing all the childcare.

Many posters here seem unaware of the number of families where dad works in the city and is home a grand total of one afternoon and perhaps one day. Sadly this is normal life for many people and not a reason for their partners to be childless.

Have you never wanted to marry him? Have you talked about who will have a career break for parenting?

Is your name Carrie? And did you delay posting this? 🤣

I don’t see him as self absorbed but I’m now wondering what lens I’ve been looking through!

I'm wondering, too. It appears that for every sacrifice made, you're the one who's had to make them. How lovely and convenient for him. I assure you, this won't cut it when a child is involved.

I appreciate it's very hard for someone without children to comprehend how much parenthood changes absolutely everything, but you are bordering on delusion in thinking your point of view and what you will need from him will never change. It will, massively. He can't even give you a proper holiday, ffs, even when money is not an issue. It's because he's too selfish and you don't matter enough to him.

Of course people on the spectrum can be good parents, but this man is so consumed by his work and I would think he'd struggle by the overwhelming presence and needs of a child.