I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

DP has always wanted a child. I know he would love the child. I have no concerns there at all.

Love may not be enough if he's not physically present for his child much. I have a good friend who has no relationship with her father because he just wasn't home much because he was out in the morning and home late most days and when he was at home, he was tired or checking work emails. She says she saw her dad less than her friends whose parents were not together. She didn't give a shit about fancy houses and expensive things, she just wanted his time and I think that's what some pps mean when they say you might be fine with him not being present much but the child's emotional well-being may not.

You know those times he makes you laugh now? You'll be asleep in bed at those times if you have a baby with him. You'll be on your own all day caring for a baby and when laughing boy comes home you'll be flat out with a resentful look on your face.

@sparemonitor

Don't you dare downgrade your work unless you're married. He's going to be a crap dad. How old are you? Time enough to leave and find someone else?

@sparemonitor I’m 35 in a few months so wouldn’t have time to start over really

I kind of wanted advice on how to go about this with timings of sex etc given DP would be very stressed having it all planned out.

You buy some ovulation testing sticks and do your best to have unprotected sex in the 1-4 days preceding ovulation. This really though isn’t the thing that requires planning in this situation OP, honestly.

Do you really want to find things unbearably hard? Unless he’s planning to work part time or quit then he’s not going to be a very present father

@MandyMarr We had the same chat about wishing it just happened and saved all the mental load, for similar reasons - albeit it was me that was obsessed with my job, and I’ve grown out of that now.

But I’m really glad we did have the chats, because when it was right, there wasn’t the stress. I’d never have believed it, but it just wasn’t there. He’s been excited and chilled. It probably helps that he doesn’t have to do ovulation tracking etc.

I’d wholeheartedly recommend until he’s ready. He loves the idea now, I did too. But he needs to be ready to commit to the actual plan, and it doesn’t sound like he is yet.

[quote MandyMarr]@Letsallscreamatthesistene no he’s not... are they known for being a workaholic?! Yes I just feel like it’s daunting looking at all that on my own without his direct involvement[/quote]
Good lord, yes!

@AndroidsAliensAndWizards

DP has always wanted a child. I know he would love the child. I have no concerns there at all.

Love may not be enough if he's not physically present for his child much. I have a good friend who has no relationship with her father because he just wasn't home much because he was out in the morning and home late most days and when he was at home, he was tired or checking work emails. She says she saw her dad less than her friends whose parents were not together. She didn't give a shit about fancy houses and expensive things, she just wanted his time and I think that's what some pps mean when they say you might be fine with him not being present much but the child's emotional well-being may not.

@AndroidsAliensAndWizards DP isn’t like that though, he doesn’t care about fancy houses or things. He knows a child needs emotional support and presence. Maybe my OP over egged his busy-ness, I do think with a child he would be more present generally.

If I were you, I'd be open with him and say you want to stop using contraception and see what happens

Take it step by step. Try not to worry about ovulation and timing and see what happens

Some men need gentle guidance and time to absorb ideas

Op, in the gentlest possible way... its not about if you are okay with DP not being involved, or how good of a dad he would be in the few hours he was with your child, its how your child will feel growing up without a dad properly involved in their life. I've heard first hand accounts from people whose dads worked away a lot or had demanding jobs, whose jobs took priority over their families... yes, you might luck out and have a child who is completely unbothered but a lot of kids would be. Maybe start a thread specifically asking people about their experiences with fathers who were workaholics and read the responses and just get a better idea of what that might mean for your child?
Also what happens if you wanted to progress your career and needed him to pick up the slack, are you going to be responsible for taking time off at work every time your child is sick because he eont? What would happen if your child had additional support needs, would he scale back then so its not all on your shoulders? What happens if its your childs sports day, graduation etc? Can he guarantee family time every week? Will he prioritise family time and giving you a break from childcare over his hobbies or work? How will holidays work, will he come on you then? None of this is a dog, just a few questions to get your mind thinking about the practicalities of this.

If he's never given you any time, what makes you think he will give any time to his child?

Again I ask, why would you choose such an absent man, both physically and emotionally, to be your child's father??

OP, I say this with kindness but you're here asking strangers for help with planning how to get pregnant because you cant talk to your partner about it because it will stress him out. Let's assume you get pregnant. Will you feel able to talk to him about all the things you'll need to plan, how you're feeling, if you're nervous or excited or if something doesn't seem to be going right or if something goes wrong? Or will that stress him out? Will he be there to talk to? Is he an emotionally available man? Or will you be trying to deal with those things alone because you don't want to stress him out or he's busy with work?

And that's before the baby is here.

Is it possible that you both have a slightly naive view of what becoming parents involves? It's very easy for him to want a child, very easy. But if he is too easily stressed to talk about getting pregnant I think you will be very emotionally alone before you even start this.

@EssentialHummus

I kind of wanted advice on how to go about this with timings of sex etc given DP would be very stressed having it all planned out.

You buy some ovulation testing sticks and do your best to have unprotected sex in the 1-4 days preceding ovulation. This really though isn’t the thing that requires planning in this situation OP, honestly.

@EssentialHummus how do you know it’s 1-4 days before if the tests shows on the day?

@Shoxfordian

Do you really want to find things unbearably hard? Unless he’s planning to work part time or quit then he’s not going to be a very present father

@Shoxfordian I would prefer things weren’t unbearably hard but life isn’t perfect and I guess I’m just ok with the fact I have some happiness in my life.

Ah, and you’re not married. Please, please get married before you have a child with this chap if you’re going to step back from your own work even slightly. You can do it at the registry office on a weekday morning, no need for a do if you don’t want one.

I’m fully aware he will be a great dad
Strange statement, based on what you've posted. There's nothing to suggest this at all.

@Notagain20

OP, I say this with kindness but you're here asking strangers for help with planning how to get pregnant because you cant talk to your partner about it because it will stress him out. Let's assume you get pregnant. Will you feel able to talk to him about all the things you'll need to plan, how you're feeling, if you're nervous or excited or if something doesn't seem to be going right or if something goes wrong? Or will that stress him out? Will he be there to talk to? Is he an emotionally available man? Or will you be trying to deal with those things alone because you don't want to stress him out or he's busy with work?

And that's before the baby is here.

Is it possible that you both have a slightly naive view of what becoming parents involves? It's very easy for him to want a child, very easy. But if he is too easily stressed to talk about getting pregnant I think you will be very emotionally alone before you even start this.

@Notagain20 yeah I think maybe we are a bit naive. I’m 35 soon though and I love him.

Are you prepared for everything that having a baby with this man will mean?

Are you prepared to cope alone with feeds every two hours around the clock until you're on your knees with desperation, while he keeps doing exactly what he's always done?
Are you prepared to solo parent a child with autism who sleeps five hours a night or less?
Are you prepared to do everything alone, always? Every sick day, every sports day, every parents evening, every doctors appointment, every nursery and school run?
Are you prepared for people to assume you're a single parent?
Are you prepared to scale back your own career significantly, or else spend your whole life harried and guilty and paying through the nose for nannies and domestic help?
Are you prepared for your resentment of him for having not changed his life an iota or done a thing for his child to grow until you can barely look at him, much less have sex with him?
Are you prepared for him to start thinking that you're always frazzled and grumpy and nagging these days, unlike those young women at his work who flatter his ego?
Are you prepared to walk away with vastly reduced pension and earning potential while he keeps everything he's built, because you weren't married?

If so, go ahead

You do know that being a workaholic is not conducive with being a good dad. You seem to be very naive. Unless you have children already you are not going into this with your eyes open. No one is. You really have no clue how hard and utterly thankless it can be at times to bring a child up.

Saying 'but I luuurrrrrvvveeee hiiimmmm' doesn't negate the fact that you are with a man who doesn't prioritise you and will not prioritise your child.

You're romanticising it.

Lots of us have been men who put everything else before us, thinking it'll be fine and guess what? It's not,

But you're sticking your fingers in your ears and singing 'Lalala I can't hear you'.

It's not fair on you or any child you might have, to deliberately bring them into a family dynamic where they are deliberately sidelined.

If you want a child together, he needs to properly get on board.

It's a horribly naive approach otherwise op.

You're here asking for advice on how to conceive with someone who is so disengaged they won't even have that conversation with you. Creating a human being who will have their own thoughts and feelings, and he is treating it like letting you know what he wants you to buy for his birthday. "I really fancy a kid to play with occasionally, so if you could just go away and get pregnant without involving me that'd be great" .

That's what is strange.

There is a difference between engaged people with jobs making active decisions and plans to have and raise children.

Lots of people also neglect their children. Doesn't mean anybody here is going to condone it or tell you it's a good idea.

You have been asked repeatedly how the child's well-being features and you haven't responded.

You can't plan conception alone. You can go on holidays alone, fill your evenings alone, sacrifice your life for him alone, but you can't go about the joint action of creating and raising a human being alone! It's messed up.

How are you defining "great dad" ?

Well if you’re really ok with it then you’re ok with it.

Just don’t turn up on the relationship board in a year saying dp does nothing with the baby and I’ve quit my job and he’s a rubbish partner because this is avoidable

If he can't even plan conception, how is he going to plan for all the things that need to be panned in the child's life. Oh yeah, leave it up to you...

My father was very very focussed on his business. Limited time with family.

But when he was with us - a wonderful wonderful and loving father.

It worked. We had a very very privileged and happy childhood because of his business. He loved his work. My mum loved being a sahm. And when dad was around, he got stuck in completely.

Just stop the contraceptives op, and have sex. I wouldn't think further than that..

However, I personally think- having read the replies, your being very naive here and will end up regretting having a child with this selfish man very much.

Nobody can say for sure, but I would put money on this not working out well for you.

You will end up resenting him, bringing up another life and loosing yours isn't as easy as you seem to think it will be.