I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

@deathbypostitnote

Many posters here seem unaware of the number of families where dad works in the city and is home a grand total of one afternoon and perhaps one day. Sadly this is normal life for many people and not a reason for their partners to be childless.

I know a few people who work in the city, none treat their partners like this:

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

I also agree you should marry first if you are going to have kids

@shortsaint

Is your name Carrie? And did you delay posting this? 🤣

Boris is famously not a workaholic

Urgh I feel so stressed. I just want a settled family and was happy to run the house alone. There isn’t another way if I stay with him

@MandyMarr

I have to say I feel quite confused now after reading these posts! I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t want a DP like mine. I’m mostly proud of him and happy for him and think he is wonderful. I don’t see him as self absorbed but I’m now wondering what lens I’ve been looking through!

Because for many - unless it’s a strict 50/50 it’s abhorrent

Fair enough if both working full time

My mum was a sahm and my father a very successful businessman. Hence mum did 85% of child rearing

But that time with dad - that 15% he was absolutely and totally there. He gave his all.

Both were very happy
Us children were very happy

Helped by very very high income. Will this be the case OP?

What did Carrie do??

DP isn’t like that though, he doesn’t care about fancy houses or things. He knows a child needs emotional support and presence. Maybe my OP over egged his busy-ness, I do think with a child he would be more present generally.

And it's why a discussion is needed, he can talk about reducing his hours then so he's home a couple of evenings a week to do the bedtime routine and have an agreement before you get pregnant about how he plans to make sure he's at home physically and emotionally for his child. Or how you'd manage if you ended up with post natal depression.

This might sound harsh but if he cant or won't even take part in the plans to make himself free to be around to actually conceive the child he wants, I'd have my doubts about him making sure he's around physically enough to be there for his child. I'm not saying don't have a baby with him. I'm saying don't do it without a proper clear discussion beforehand so you aren't getting nasty surprises and instead of just thinking or assuming. The fact you can't discuss conception with him without him panicking means it's not such a leap to think you wound be able to discuss things that Involve planning and research for his child's needs too.

Is he a chef?

It was me who was hesitant to carry on the conversation when he brought it up recently. I changed topic.
This sounds completely bizarre, and at odds with everything else you've said.
He panics when you raise the subject, yet when he raises it you shut him down?
All very, very odd. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is he a child? If you can't have a proper conversation about this, you're mad to have a child with him. If he can't handle making a responsible decision about deciding to have a child, he's not going to handle having a child.

Let me explain something without sounding patronising.

Im 50, I have two kids (9&12) my own business where I work 30 hours a week plus juggling school runs and home admin, drs, dentist, school admin, appointments, sorting homework and everything else that having two kids entails. I'm also menopausal which has 100's of its won issues, but thats another thread. My DH also runs a very busy business and spends his evenings doing paperwork late into the evening most days. He's the main bread winner and his job is busier although I do everything else. He's a brilliant husband and dad but has very little time for me and the kids unless I ask him for his time and attention. It's not always been like this, we were both once employed which made life easier (no paperwork, paid holidays, sick pay etc), things change.

I think you're looking for some reassurance that you're doing the right thing, I honesty don't think you are. You will be left doing everything and more once the novelty of having a new baby wears off for him. Being a mum can be very isolating so having a supportive partner is a must. If he is married to his job, you're never going to come first and neither is your little one. You need to decide why you're in the relationship and what you really want from him, and be realistic. Don't think for a minute that a baby will change your relationship, it will make it harder and any voids you have in your relationship will become wider with a baby in tow. Yes, he may change but from what you're describing, it's unlikely.

Not what you want to hear but its the truth x

Op it's a lonely life, having kids with a workaholic. I should know, I'm living it. It's me+kids and him. 2 separate units. Don't assume he will change for his baby. Many don't.

@Octopuscake

I don't understand how you think you have financial security if you're not married and you are relying on your professional job. You're already feeling soppy about potential child (and why the hell shouldn't you be). You might not want/be energetic enough to go back full time. Then you'll have much less coming in. How about if DP refuses to pay for childcare as it "stresses him out to have a nanny come into the house/make nursery pickup time" or something like that. Please at least get married first.

Being autistic doesn't mean someone can't engage with the realities of adult life. Plenty of people on the spectrum work around it and get support so they can be good parents.

Better yet, don't be fool enough to have a child with someone too 'stressed' to have anything outsourced by incapable of doing it himself. How convenient for him. Wouldn't marry him, either.

@MandyMarr

Urgh I feel so stressed. I just want a settled family and was happy to run the house alone. There isn’t another way if I stay with him

Before my divorce I ran the house mainly alone because I was a sahm and high earning ex.

Now he’s an ex and I run the house completely alone! I love it.

If independent, as I am, ans enjoy being queen of your own domain - then it can work well.

My ex and I still very amicable but I couldn’t be married to him anymore. But because of unrelated reasons!

that 15% he was absolutely and totally there. He gave his all.
Well, he'd have to, given that he was only offering 15% to begin with.

It's interesting looking at the title of your thread. Because you have a partner you love, you want to have his baby, he has told you that he wants a baby - odd that you aren't excitedly planning it all with him or just having unprotected sex and enjoying that together. On paper it could be very simple! But already you are doing this on your own, absolving him of responsibility because he'll be stressed. He is already being excused from any effort and you are doing it for him.

@Notagain20 yes that’s true. It’s always been like that though. He gets very anxious about any form of planning.

I have to say I feel quite confused now after reading these posts! I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t want a DP like mine. I’m mostly proud of him and happy for him and think he is wonderful. I don’t see him as self absorbed but I’m now wondering what lens I’ve been looking through!

I think the uniting factor here is that most/all of the posters replying are mothers themselves, and once you're in that world you have a greater awareness of what it looks like day to day along with associated issues like what happens when one (female) partner gets lumbered with all the donkey work, what happens when your partner of x years fucks off with the office junior just as your last kid finishes high school, the reality of special needs etc.

When you're in the park in the drizzle for the 300th time with a whiny toddler after a broken night's sleep and it's only 10.30am, the less ambitious dad who's managed to take a few hours off to give his partner a break starts looking really, really attractive. Your DP's focus on his work and his career prowess are great now but there are some red flags flying imo.

No need to reply on here - you've dodged most people's questions expertly - but really, think about some of the issues I and others have raised re marriage, work, division of time and labour etc and just try to imagine what they'll look like if your DP carries on the way he is now.

I'm your age with one incredibly well behaved DC, now pregnant again. I'm infuriatingly organised. I have a very supportive husband - I'm expecting twins and he'll basically be taking a year off with me - a very high household income not tied to work, a good support network and a part-time nanny, and I'm letting you know that even with all that it is incredibly difficult and you really do need someone there with you.

Let's take away all of the issues except for one...

Forget about him being a workoholic, selfish, absent, etc, etc. You can't even talk to him about planning for a baby, literally the most important thing you will ever have to discuss, and he refuses.

It is madness to have a baby with him.

He knows a child needs emotional support and presence.

But he doesn't realise you need it, does he?

@MandyMarr

Urgh I feel so stressed. I just want a settled family and was happy to run the house alone. There isn’t another way if I stay with him

If you're going to do this then please get married. We're all sitting here just knowing that your finances are going down the tubes when you become a parent and you will have no security or claim on anything if anything goes less than perfectly.

You mentioned that you have access to funds, is that through family? Will they be around the emotional support too? It's really tough without anyone

Op, before you have a baby you ideally need to be married. This affords you protection in the event of you separating.

When you have a baby, you will be doing all the work. Likely for years. The whole time he is working full time and increasing house pension, increasing his earnings and you are stagnating and financially reliant upon him. In an ideal world you would be married, and while you are off work he would make the same pension contribution into your pot as he does his own. Otherwise it is grossly unfair to you. You are literally losing money to raise his child while he gets all the benefits AND a decent pension. If you marry first, you at least get a fair cut of the assets to help you raise any children. Never, ever take his word for it that he will look after you. You also need to discuss going back to work and child care before you get pregnant. Childcare can be HIDEOUSLY expensive. Will he pay God fair share? Do his share of drop off and collection, take parental leave when the kid is sick? If not don't do it.

As for actually getting pregnant.... if your typical cycle is 28 days then you are typically most fertile 14 days after your period starts. So lots of unprotected sex from day 10-16 to be sure you are in with a chance.

Love is a verb. Him “loving the child” means nothing if he’s never there to actually see the child and demonstrate this love!

As for contraception - no, don’t just become lax with it. Tell him you’re stopping the pill/implant whatever and say that as you want a child and he’s the one who doesn’t seem ready, the onus is on him now to prevent it.

You’ll see just how happy he is to be surprised by it when he either does or does not step up regarding condoms. At least that way you’re not tricking him or coercing him, you’re giving him every opportunity to prevent a pregnancy he doesn’t want.

If you do fall pregnant we’ll all see you back here in a year or two when you realise that being a single parent (without any of the benefits of actually being a single parent) is harder than you ever imagined!

Honestly, my XH was on the spectrum (as is DS1) and I have never felt more lonely than when parenting 3 kids with someone who just didn’t get it. He was also of the mind that “it wouldn’t be a disaster if we had a baby” but didn’t want to actively try. When I got pregnant within a couple of weeks he freaked the fuck out and wanted me to have an abortion. Luckily I didn’t and we went on to have two more (unplanned but very much loved) DC after a couple of years. He worked long hours, including most weekends, and was always busy in his office when he was at home, so none of us saw much of him.

When we split up my life became easier, as I no longer had to deal with someone whose wants and needs would always come above mine and the DCs. Being asked to do anything as a family made him irrationally angry, and he finally admitted he just wasn’t cut out for having a family. Having them go and stay once a week was enough for him, and gave me a break, (unlike when he lived here!). He now lives in another country and sadly has only seen them twice in a year due to covid!

[quote MandyMarr]@Notagain20 yes that’s true. It’s always been like that though. He gets very anxious about any form of planning.[/quote]
But sorry to tell you...children, even older ones, require a lot of planning in a day to day sense and also routine. If that is stressful then let me tell you it doesn’t get any easier. Sorry if you think that people are being harsh on you but they really aren’t...I think those with the benefit of hindsight are gently trying to tell you that parenting is a serious commitment and responsibility and it is very hard to go into when one party will not share that as they should.

@GreyhoundG1rl

that 15% he was absolutely and totally there. He gave his all. Well, he'd have to, given that he was only offering 15% to begin with.

Yep. It was wonderful.

Very happy childhood
Ans my parents very happily married (deceased)