Small things that are big tells

[SisterAgatha]

Just for fun, what are the little things you notice about people that actually tell you quite a lot about their nature.

I noticed last week that whenever we go for dinner with my SIL she always assumes the first meal that comes out is hers. Even if it’s very obviously not. And if you order the same thing, she practically snatches the one that is served first. Lots of eye balling peoples dinner to check no one has got anything she ordered. I can definitely extend this behaviour in to other areas of her life too.

Anyone else spot these little things?

@nighttimeonly

"I'm an empath, I can feel what you are thinking and it upsets me" = actually a complete narcissist. Two sides of the same coin.

Yes! I believe narcissists are damaged traumatised empaths usually neglected abused or invalidated as children. They don't lack empathy, they are highly sensitive, if anything, because they are triggered easily and also can be manipulative. Manipulative people don't lack empathy because they can read people well. They choose not to use their empathy for good, is all.

I have thought of something which is small but often a tell.

Large hands and nose on a man can be a tell about something else they have which is large....

Wait a minute did someone upthread say they judge anyone who has a union flag wtf?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

"They're usually really trying to have some sort of dig eg. "I like your dress" = it's too short and I want to draw attention to it in front of everybody. "Did you get your nails done professionally?" = they look shit and I want to shame you in front of everyone for not meeting my incredible standards"

This has blown my mind slightly. If I tell someone I like their dress or that their nails look nice, it's because I like their dress or think their nails look nice. Nothing more, nothing less. I had no idea there were people out there thinking I'm trying to show them up or put them down.

@Upwardtrajectory

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

"They're usually really trying to have some sort of dig eg. "I like your dress" = it's too short and I want to draw attention to it in front of everybody. "Did you get your nails done professionally?" = they look shit and I want to shame you in front of everyone for not meeting my incredible standards"

This has blown my mind slightly. If I tell someone I like their dress or that their nails look nice, it's because I like their dress or think their nails look nice. Nothing more, nothing less. I had no idea there were people out there thinking I'm trying to show them up or put them down.

I don’t think most people would think a compliment like that was disingenuous. Thinking like that sadly says more about the Poster’s view of the world than about those complimenting her.

ive preferred lockdown to normal life

So have I, Gabs.

I liked the emptiness of the streets. The quietness of the gardens. Seeing birds and wildlife coming back into our gardens.

It was lovely.

@BalloonSlayer

Oh and if someone says more than once that 'X has stopped talking to me/has fallen out with me/started yelling at me but I don't know why " then they are Trouble. Capital T intended.

Maybe. I said that once after someone I considered a friend refused to talk to me for not giving her new Amazon seller account 5 stars having bought from her the crappiest cycle item ever! The friend I said that too replied: "oh, yes, she once didn't speak to me for half a year over something banal". So our common friend has a peculiarity that can be unpleasant and leave her mates baffled. I think we were right to share the intel.

On the original question, I note that the inability to sincerely apologise when one's done something unpleasant is often coupled with the desire to have the last word.

@JellyFishy13 yeh, I've had a couple of covert scapegoating narcissists just decide to eject me from a group (they hadn't met but behaved in text book similar ways!). I think because this type of woman senses the other type, the type that bends a bit too easily with the wind. They perpetrate a million micro aggressions against you because it makes them feel powerful and/or because they need to bring you down a peg.

But as @BalloonSlayer 's post shows, as bad as this is when it happens, you cannot even tell anybody really :-(

People who answer a question with 'why?'

Immediately puts me on guard. My MIL does this.

That's why I said "more than once."

We all have bad luck with people sometimes, and I am sorry you have had that experience.
But when someone keeps having bad luck you have to look for the common denominator.

Sorry COnstance just read your post again and see you have had it happen twice, oops. But you DO know why it happened. What I am describing is different - a friend saying a best friend had suddenly stopped talking to them, no idea what they had done wrong. Then a couple of years later, the same thing again.

@quizqueen

People who can't spell and have a poor grasp of written grammar who then say that it doesn't matter, when it was things they should have mastered before leaving infant school.

Oh the irony. 🤣🤣

@BeepBeepImACar

I have thought of something which is small but often a tell.

Large hands and nose on a man can be a tell about something else they have which is large....

Gloves?

Why do people act like dogs love them because of their sparkling personality when actually it's because that person feeds the dog, and that's why it adores them

That's right. Eating is a survival activity and dogs/animals aren't daft ! (Well except for those dogs/animals who are as daft as a brush, of course.) Animals usually bond with the person that feeds them.

People who say they prefer animals to humans need to understand the above. I also find that to be a 'tell.' I've learned over the years that they don't really do conversation and frankly struggle with adult human relationships.

@ToffeeNotCoffee People who patronise those who say they prefer animals to people are missing the point, i.e. don’t understand 🙄 I can’t be bothered explaining it to you here. Suffice to say, I prefer animals to humans on average. I ‘do’ conversation and have excellent social skills!

I had to learn how to accept a compliment gracefully. I was brought up to basically deny them, "oh, it's nothing, you're too kind", that kind of thing.

@WalkthisWayUK

People who appropriate illness, disability or anything very ‘woke’ really annoy me! Those who do it on social media are often the worst, it becomes all about them.

I have a relation who has had fibromyalgia, ME, clinical depression, ADHD, autism, dyspraxia in a revolving door depending on what is most in vogue. It also takes away from all of those conditions which are really serious for many.

I think I used to be friends with your relative 🤣 note "used to be"

I had to learn how to accept a compliment gracefully. I was brought up to basically deny them, "oh, it's nothing, you're too kind", that kind of thing.

I think I'm OK with both giving and accepting compliments. However, the one thing that annoys me is if I say that I can't do/ am not good at doing something as a genuine thing that has to be considered in making plans (which may be because of my co-ordination problems, or just something that I haven't learned/ isn't part of my skill set), and get the reply 'Oh! you are too modest!'

@AmberIsACertainty

ie she didn't behave in the allowed way therefore it was assumed she isn't disabled

I read it that she might not have an actual disability because she wrote that she says she has a hidden disability rather than that she has one. As thought it was just something she was saying. I think it's subtly different and someone with a disability might put say as well, but someone without wouldn't put have.

Women who say they prefer the company of men are misogynists who think little of women imo. I'll still support them but they're no sister to me.

@Losttheplotyearsago

Oh and don't get me started on adult baby types! That's just weird. Who wants to be helpless and vulnerable like a baby? Being an adult is way better. You get to choose who you have in your life and don't have to take anybody's crap anymore.

I know one like that and under the little breathy voice she's the most selfish, selfcentred, judgemental and aggressive person going. Backed right away after I realised. It's a strange disconnect between her appearance and her longer term behaviour.

Women who claim that other women don't like them, usually followed by 'I don't know why', then a pause for you to say its because they're jealous.
Women who laugh when men make jokes about women they find unattractive, and then say 'don't be nasty, she's really nice...'
Men who tell you they're a nice guy.
Men who say that men in general are awful, a blatant attempt at self promotion because they're the exception.
Women who sympathise when male colleagues are moaning about their wives.

@DansMaPoche

The sandwich test will show you whether someone is methodical, perfectionist, neat and tidy, sloppy and relaxed, controlling and uptight, generous and bountiful or mean and penny pinching and a bit of a puritan. Whether they get real joy from food or whether they are an 'eat to live' person. Whether they are a fussy and limited eater or a person who eats everything. Whether they are obsessed with controlling calories and portion control, (like the 'you have butter OR mayo, not both' type people) or whether they are joyfully excessive. Whether they care about the quality of the food they eat or whether it's all about quantity. Whether they can do delayed gratification as well - that tells you an enormous amount about a person.

Are they the sort of person who might like the knife and their fingers knowing they are feeding people other than themselves? Do they stick the buttery knife in the jam/mustard, or get a clean one?

Even watching whether they clear up immediately after themselves, methodically wrapping and repacking all the ingredients, washing the knife and wiping the counter, or whether thy leave open packets and crumbs strewn everywhere for hours, eventually slinging an open packet of ham back in the fridge without rewrapping it will tell you a lot about them.

Nope, I'm atrocious in my own house but really tidy when in my bloke's. Even tidier than he is. It's a respect for other people's spaces. Leave hotel rooms or air bnb's tidier than when I arrive. My house is terrible though. That probably says more about self respect than anything else, I suspect.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

So have I, Gabs.

I liked the emptiness of the streets. The quietness of the gardens. Seeing birds and wildlife coming back into our gardens.

It was lovely.

Agree totally

Haven't RTFT but, people who say they 'tell it like it is' rarely do - they confuse bitchiness with honesty, avoid.

Those that say they 'did' a holiday - 'I've done Disney, done Hawaii, done Bognor' usually wankers!

Those that have a 'stand against bullying' frame on their profile pics are usually bullies