Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

It will be really interesting to see how many of you do actually downsize when this "future" you speak of becomes real.

Plus, still, no one's told me where all these nice but smaller places are Have you all identified somewhere they actually exist? Small in this town at least, means a terraced house in a not so nice area. Or a handful of, very very expensive bungalows, in large grounds, not near any amenities.

I have no idea what we will do as we age because it seems a long way off. My parents are about to retire in their late fifties/early sixties and have been looking at downsizing. Except their idea of downsizing is to purchase a smaller house on a large block of land in a more rural location. So they won’t have the space for family to comfortably visit but they will have lots of physical outdoor work and a long drive to any services or amenities they might need. Oh, and they don’t foresee any issues with buying a home with 12+ steps up to the front door (a common traditional design in this part of Australia).
I’m a nurse so sadly often see elderly people at crisis point when they fall/deteriorate and cannot manage at home any more. I’ve tried talking to my parents but they just don’t get it. In their minds you are either fit and able or you’re incapacitated with no quality of life on deaths door. Thanks to migration they missed out on seeing their own parents age so they can’t comprehend that there can be a long stretch of life in between completely fit and incapacitated that can still be enjoyed but not without some adjustments.

This thread is very interesting and thought provoking but I am also finding it a bit patronising if I'm honest. My DH is early 60s and still working 60 hours a week in the NHS. He doesn't want to spend his hard earned retirement in a tiny bungalow waiting for the inevitable, and neither do I to be frank. I have had mobility problems and disability since my teens so we have a downstairs loo. Haven't had a bath for a good few years cos whilst I can get myself in, I can't get myself out .

I think we completely underestimate emotional attachments to homes that people have lived in for many years, raised families in etc. Sometimes losing all that hastens their decline (from personal experience).

I do appreciate that often it falls to a child to support an elderly parent. DM is 80 and luckily still relatively fit and independent. DMIL didn't want to leave the family home and could be stubborn on occasion but we respected her decision and tried to ensure that she had the help needed in her final years there. She absolutely hated the idea of finishing her days in an old people's home. DFIL moved to a retirement community which he chose to do.

I appreciate that some people enjoy being with people of their own age but to me the idea of living in an over 55s neighbourhood is the stuff of nightmares!! I like to see and hear from the "yoof" and hope to keep it that way . I don't think we should be putting all the "elderly " in one box - they are just people who have lived longer but are still ultimately individuals with all that entails.

Weirdly, lots of her very affluent friends have sold their huge houses and 'downsized' into something which is not much smaller. What is the point?

I know a few people who retire early, and downsize. But within a year or two, they are doing extensions!

I dont get that either!

But ‘all that entails’ often means being a burden on their children.
I did not have children so that I had carers when I’m old.
And speaking of my FIL, he is in his 90’s so his children are of retirement age. They didn’t expect to retire so that they could look after a man who physically and emotionally abused them as children. And if you think that SS will pop them in a home when you get tired of it, think again !

I thought this thread was going to be about people who are renting. I wonder how people who are renting will pay for their housing when they retire. I'm pretty sure they're not saving for it now. (The people I know, anyway).

I have a large garden, which I hope to enjoy more when I retire. I have no idea where I would downsize to, but no way am I having a stairlift put in.

Actually, thinking about it my Gran was able to stay in her home much longer because she had a big (enormous) house. She didn't use upstairs in the last few years, but she had space to be able to live downstairs and to manoeuvre a wheelchair in the wide hall and large rooms.

She employed people to maintain the house and garden.

Honestly it’s like we aren’t allowed to give our opinions as my dad is supposed to have capacity- but they want my time and labour to fill in the gaps - they can fuck off and fuck off again as I don’t agree with her
You are in the right here, but I suspect the truth is that unless they can gaslight relatives into doing the work themselves the social care 'service' would just fall over because it is woefully inadequate and utterly unfit for purpose

Getting older doesn't happen overnight - you do get plenty of warning . I'm at a loss to understand why so many people hang on for no good reason, except being afraid of change
They hang on because they can, they know that if they refuse to do anything others will be forced to pick up the pieces

My 90yo granny downsized 20 years ago after my grandpa died, to a smaller house and garden, she had a very large garden before. She's talking of downsizing again, to a sheltered flat which is sensible. She still has a lot of stuff to get rid of first though... But she's also moved houses a lot so isn't sentimental about these things. My GPs never lived in a house more than 20 years, and it was considerably less for a lot of their houses.

My plan is to downsize when the DC leave. We have a large house now, but it is a family house. And it's much cheaper to live in a small property (we've recently moved). DH loves his garden though so it couldn't be too small.

They didn’t expect to retire so that they could look after a man who physically and emotionally abused them as children
Surely most people would just refuse in this situation?

I am now 73 and after my divorce ten years ago I moved into a flat and hope I can stay there until my health deteriorates so that I can no longer live independently. Both my daughters live some distance from me and neither drives (like many of their generation) so the temptation to move closer to one of them is always at the back of my mind but it would be so much upheaval to do so, away from my GP, friends and social life (once out of lockdown).

I more than understand why older people cannot cope with the stress of moving out of their long-term homes. I hope I can continue to afford the service charges in my flat though which is a financial worry

MIL has been complaining about the unsuitability of her own house for decades, and due to local prices they've long since lost the chance to move into a bungalow. They wouldn't consider a flat. Me, I'm ready to move somewhere on level ground with one floor now, but that would be expensive here due to the high proportion of older people in the population snapping up bungalows all over the shop. And unless things change drastically we're kind of committed to stay near the ILs to help them out with things they're too infirm to manage themselves.
We've moved around throughout our marriage, so for us there's no longstanding emotional tie to the house we live in. It'd be perfectly possible to live solely on the ground floor of this house, but that obviously halves the available living space, and I'd much rather just move somewhere more convenient.

The overarching problem seems to be that the housing stock is completely unsuitable for the needs of the population...a complete failure of government to properly regulate the housing market... again🙄

I've just completed Stage 1 downsize. Moving out of big, high maintenance family home with big garden, into a terraced house with no garden - just a back yard. We are both late 50s. I am fully accepting that this may not be our last move. We might need to move again into a flat or bungalow, but the major downsize part is complete. It was a massive job, and I'm glad we tackled it.

Keeping life simple and letting go of pointless clutter that only drags you down is very freeing.

@starrynight21

I'm in that older age group - in my 60's. At 60 , DH and I downsized to a very nice 2 bedroom villa in an over-50's estate. We love it, there is a great social life here and everyone looks out for one another.

The last thing I wanted to do, was to hang on like my mother did, in an enormous house which was totally unsuitable for her. She couldn't even walk up to the front gate because it was so steep, so she was a prisoner in her home.

Getting older doesn't happen overnight - you do get plenty of warning . I'm at a loss to understand why so many people hang on for no good reason, except being afraid of change.

Reality is that a lot of people cannot afford to downsize to these abundant bungalows and/or retirement complexes and this will likely continue.

And personally, I'd hang onto the splinters of my home than move into another fucking flat. Had far too many problems with completely dickheaded neighbours.

@QioiioiioQ

The overarching problem seems to be that the housing stock is completely unsuitable for the needs of the population...a complete failure of government to properly regulate the housing market... again🙄

And unaffordable for more and more people.

@NursePye

This thread is very interesting and thought provoking but I am also finding it a bit patronising if I'm honest. My DH is early 60s and still working 60 hours a week in the NHS. He doesn't want to spend his hard earned retirement in a tiny bungalow waiting for the inevitable, and neither do I to be frank. I have had mobility problems and disability since my teens so we have a downstairs loo. Haven't had a bath for a good few years cos whilst I can get myself in, I can't get myself out .

I think we completely underestimate emotional attachments to homes that people have lived in for many years, raised families in etc. Sometimes losing all that hastens their decline (from personal experience).

I do appreciate that often it falls to a child to support an elderly parent. DM is 80 and luckily still relatively fit and independent. DMIL didn't want to leave the family home and could be stubborn on occasion but we respected her decision and tried to ensure that she had the help needed in her final years there. She absolutely hated the idea of finishing her days in an old people's home. DFIL moved to a retirement community which he chose to do.

I appreciate that some people enjoy being with people of their own age but to me the idea of living in an over 55s neighbourhood is the stuff of nightmares!! I like to see and hear from the "yoof" and hope to keep it that way . I don't think we should be putting all the "elderly " in one box - they are just people who have lived longer but are still ultimately individuals with all that entails.

Good post. What I think about my own housing future is that I will be suiting myself. I have no expectation my DS and I will even be living in the same country, and I certainly didn’t have a child so he could ‘look after me’, but I’m certainly not going to move into a retirement bungalow and wait for death.

For all those complaining about care homes: This is very much a political (and social) issue that could be changed. Things are much better in countries with a more extensive welfare system, where there is more money for adult social care, and where carers are paid better, as it is acknowledged for the important occupation that it is. I am always genuinely surprised about people who complain about the quality of NHS and care in general, and then don't draw the logical conclusion when casting their vote.

A colleague of mine moved into a bungalow on a retirement complex in his 50s, while he was still working. During Covid his lovely neighbours "looked out for each other" by effectively banning him and his wife from all the communal areas, as they were considered such a danger. Obviously they couldn't actually ban him, but they made it so difficult/unpleasant that they may as well have done.

@OrangePowder

A colleague of mine moved into a bungalow on a retirement complex in his 50s, while he was still working. During Covid his lovely neighbours "looked out for each other" by effectively banning him and his wife from all the communal areas, as they were considered such a danger. Obviously they couldn't actually ban him, but they made it so difficult/unpleasant that they may as well have done.

They have super strict covenant agreements, too. Your adult kids run into trouble and they can't stay with you for more than a week or so. Ditto your grandkids.

I'm 31 and we will be moving into our family home late this year or early next year (building is in progress). The plan for us is that once the kids have grown up and left home, we will be selling that house and downsizing. At that point we will probably also have to consider what is practical in the long term. That should be done by the time I'm 55.

@Thesagacontinues

I'm 31 and we will be moving into our family home late this year or early next year (building is in progress). The plan for us is that once the kids have grown up and left home, we will be selling that house and downsizing. At that point we will probably also have to consider what is practical in the long term. That should be done by the time I'm 55.

I'm over invested here, but it's because this is a very real situation for me.

It's very easy to say this when you're 31 and DC actually being adults is a lifetime away. Not so easy when you get there to put yourself in a position where:

• adult DC can't come "home" even in times of extreme adversity
• adult DC and their DC can't come to visit if they've moved away
• to give up the garden that would be perfect for summer afternoons with grandchildren
• you never get a turn at hosting Christmas or any other family occasions because you don't have the space
• there's less space for socialising with friends at home

Etc etc

Also, my parents are finding that now they're both retired it's actually really important to have plenty of space and not be on top of each other all day. This, I imagine, becomes more important the less you can get out.

Yes, there may come a time when these things are no longer attractive or possible, but hopefully for most it's not at 55.

@OrangePowder absolutely what I have planned will not work for everyone. I was only giving my plan from my perspective.

FWIW, when I say I plan to downsize when the kids have moved out, my downsized house would still have enough bedrooms for DC to stay, a large area for hosting and a big garden. I'll just no longer see the point of living in a 5 bed house with acres of land when my 2 DC are adults. A 3 bed in the country with a nice garden will hopefully suit us then.

@Suzi888

Scary thought. To be honest I’d plan to stay where I am, invest in a stair lift, gardener and cleaner (like my mum). If money becomes an issue then I suppose I’d move if I had to.

This. If I was widowed I’d move somewhere smaller and on one level but it wouldn’t be sheltered accommodation and it would have a garden. I don’t want to live in a geriatric ghetto.