Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

I don't know how sheltered housing works but I had to supervise grandparents boiler being fitted

I can only dream of living in a big house but I think people need to stop demanding help from relatives for sure.

We have a decent 4 bed house with comfortably proportioned rooms, and moderately sized garden. Our plan is to stay put. A stair lift is viable. Another option is to convert a reception room and neighbouring downstairs toilet into a bedroom with wet room and effectively live like a dormer bungalow. I also have a great location for if I/ we have to stop driving. Nearby bus stop to town. Shops and community services within a short walk. Garage where a mobility scooter could be stored and charged easily. Retiring to the countryside would be appealing for early retirement, but is often a disaster for the later end of aging.

Our neighbours are elderly and in the original layout of our house. Their flower beds are well planted and mulched for low maintainence and as his health went past its peak, they replaced the small lawn with synthetic grass to cut regular maintainence so have an attractive garden with fairly low seasonal maintainence cost to outsource.

DM always rationalised that her ancient town house was unsuitable, but emotions won. She'd witnessed her mother getting elderly in and old, unsuitable house and has ended up repeating it. Usually unless there's a sudden illness like stroke involved, aging is gradual and insidious. By the time you accept that you're struggling to cope, it's also getting tough to let go and move on unless it's forced by a crisis.

MiL always lived in a 3 bed bungalow anyway (different country, more avaliability). It's good now that she's getting frail, but the lack of stairs to activate glutes can actually accelerate muscle wastage and loss of bone density in the earlier stages of slowing down. I doubt she's been up more than 3 steps in the past year and it's showing in the rapidity of aging.

I don't want to live in a geriatric ghetto
Probably no one does but with an increasing elderly population and decreasing birth rate....

I am in my early 50s with DCs in late teens/early 20s, and am planning to downsize twice: once in the next couple of years, from large 5-bed semi to maybe a 3-bed terrace (space for student aged DC to have as a home base and for older one plus partner to return on visits, but lower overheads and less wasted space for me). Then by some time in my 70s, when I hope both DCs will have homes of their own, I will move to somewhere with single-level living.

My grandparents on both sides sensibly moved to ground floor flats in their 60s/70s. My parents refused to leave their lovely but huge and unsuitable house (no level-access bathroom, no public transport or amenities nearby, constant maintenance required) and both they and I have suffered the consequences of that as they have become progressively more disabled and housebound over the past 20 years. DF is now in a care home; if the house were more suitable he might still be able to live at home. I am not going to do that to myself or my children.

@QioiioiioQ

They didn’t expect to retire so that they could look after a man who physically and emotionally abused them as children Surely most people would just refuse in this situation?

He is their father at the end of the day, so they reluctantly deal with him. The elderly persons wishes trump those of the relatives while they have capacity.

@Ostara212

I don't know how sheltered housing works but I had to supervise grandparents boiler being fitted

I can only dream of living in a big house but I think people need to stop demanding help from relatives for sure.

My MIL's is council accommodation, although it's owned by some company or other. You apply in the same way you apply for any local authority housing, but there are age limits - I think hers is no under 50s full-stop and at least one of any couple needs to be over 55.

There are communal laundry facilities, gardens, visitor suites (fee payable) and a common room, other than that the flats are self-contained. There are wardens and panic alarms fitted in all the flats.

MIL loves it there.

We have a decent sized three bedroom house but have extended and moved the kitchen, so the old kitchen (think 1930s style house) is currently a fourth bedroom but could easily be made into a shower room in our old age as we could easily live downstairs with just the two of us. Equally, we could have a chair lift installed as the lady next door to us did, and she managed to live by herself until she was 97. When we bought our house we thought about how it could suit us as we went through the stages of life, we now have three teenagers and it suits us fine. We can see ourselves living here well into our old age.

I think it depends on a couple of things. One, where our kids end up living as it would be nice to have room for them to stay with their own families in the years ahead. Two, cost. Neither of us have good pensions (although we have twenty years till retirement age so time to rectify this) so we have said that once our youngest child finishes uni, if she goes, we might revisit where we are in terms of mortgage/inheritance (unlikely)/pensions and make a decision then about downsizing and relocating. I think you need to do this type of move while you're still working to give time to build up new relationships and friendships if you relocate. It can be very difficult to do this once you're fully retired.

The elderly persons wishes trump those of the relatives while they have capacity
Are you saying that people can be forced to care for their relatives? Who does the enforcing?
Is it right to force someone to care for someone who has been abusive and cruel to them?
I don't think anyone would care for an ex partner who had been abusive to them!

I think it’s true what a PP said about using stairs for as long as possible. My MIL lived in a downstairs flat for nearly 50 years. When she visited us she could hardly manage the stairs even when she was still fairly young. Shopping centres/supermarkets have lifts/escalators so she never used them. She is also someone whose life was shortened by living somewhere inappropriate. Her flat was tiny and DH is an only child. Wasn’t room when we all turned up to stay. Moving might have actually given her more room.

We have a friend who managed to persuade his parents to move when they were struggling with a huge house. His DF died during the process and his DM said if he’d tried after she probably wouldn’t have moved but she’s so glad she did. In fact it made the grief easier as it was a new start.

DH and I specifically won’t move out of town because he has had health issues and the idea of living in a village if he gets worse would be a nightmare. We have good access to facilities here.

Our house is bigger downstairs than up and has a shower room, so I have worked out DH and could live downstairs quite nicely if we needed to.

(I have said to DH that I can't face clearing out the loft so we can never move, and the kids will have to sort it out when we are dead.)

However I would like to live in a retirement complex exactly like the one in the Thursday Murder Club, although I think that's unlikely to exist in real life.

Another idea would be to sell our house and buy a two bed bungalow by the sea, splitting the spare equity between the DCs for their own house purchases. The second bedroom would have twin beds so that as-yet-nonexistent grandchildren could come in pairs to stay for a lovely weekend being spoilt by Granny and Grandad, just as I did.

How very rosy are my ideas!!!

@QioiioiioQ

I don't want to live in a geriatric ghetto Probably no one does but with an increasing elderly population and decreasing birth rate....

Neither of those things prevent people from making their own choices. I live walking distance to shops, the GP surgery, dentist and glorious river walks with plentiful benches. We have a downstairs loo and stairs suitable for a stairlift. There’s absolutely no reason to live somewhere I’d hate. Perhaps you think old people should just do as they’re told?

@FlibbertyGiblets

I would add please do a form of Swedish Death Cleaning so your adult children won't have to sort out all of your stuff. Please. It is a grim and onerous task for your bereaved child/ren. I speak from recent experience.

Never heard of Swidish death cleaning but I get the gist. Had to clear out my mother's home last year. It was a two bed bungalow and crammed to the gills. Actually I did consider keeping it for us to downsize into eventually but haveing watched my mother slowly deteriorate and die there I didn't think I would ever want to live there.

I am ruthlessly decluttering atm.

No I don't think elderly people should just do as they're told, what I'm trying to say is their preferences cannot be catered for!
We need to put pressure on governments to properly regulate the housing market so that it is fit for the needs of the population

My late MIL downsized at the perfect time and into a perfect property. A small, easy to manage retirement flat. Only one bedroom. Shared laundry room (which she never used but I loved!) 4th floor but serviced with 2 lifts and rubbish chutes.
There is a Mon-Fri office hour warden.

There is a lovely large room to book so she was still able to host family occasions. There's a tiny "flat" family can book at £24 a night to stay over.

Many residents live there for decades and buy in care as needed.

It's in an amazing area and somehow wasn't even that expensive??!? She totally lucked out. The management fees (twice a year) are quite expensive but she budgeted for them

She died in 2019 and left the flat to her ex-husband (with our agreement) and he now has life rent.

So this means both FIL and MIL have lived somewhere safe and sensible. My DH is so relieved.

I love the property and want to buy something similar for my DH and I when the time is right.

My MIL was an amazing lady. I miss her so much. I hope I can be a MIL like she was.

@QioiioiioQ

No I don't think elderly people should just do as they're told, what I'm trying to say is their preferences cannot be catered for! We need to put pressure on governments to properly regulate the housing market so that it is fit for the needs of the population

Never going to happen. People keep voting Tory and want to protect their inheritances and BTL investments.

My brother moved into our family home and my parents live in a smaller bungalow on the same farm. I’m thinking we will probably do the same as we get older.

Parents downsized a couple of years before retirement - I felt quite sad at the time for saying goodbye to my family home and knowing my children wound never experience it but looking back now I'm glad it's done. It would have been much more traumatic to sift through another 30 years of memories and possessions once they had both passed away

I plan to do the same one day

It amazes me that anyone of 55 would want to live in one of those retirement complexes. The vast majority of 55 year olds I know face at least another 10 years at work! Talk about being old before your time.

I think those places are great when you're maybe 75+.

I posted earlier in the thread that i will be downsizing to an apartment when we retire, there are loads of very nice ones around my area with nice outdoor spaces so i will have a good choice, i appreciate that not everyone might have that option. I am not interested in gardening and have no particular attachment to our house, it's just 4 walls as far as i am concerned, everything that matters i will take with me. I am in my 50s so it will be in the not too distant future. Not sure what i will do if i get to the stage where i can't fare for myself, i guess a retirement home will be on the cards then, but i have several sisters and we have already talked about the possiblity of sharing accomadation and splitting the cost of whatever help we need.

My mum & dad had a walk in shower, higher toilet & a stairlift installed, plus things like grab rails, steps extended to reduce the height of getting in the house. My mum is on her own now & has a gardener, I'm glad she had everything sorted because it's me needing it, me & ds are living there until my housing situation can be sorted out.

Also, my parents are finding that now they're both retired it's actually really important to have plenty of space and not be on top of each other all day. This, I imagine, becomes more important the less you can get out.

So agree - we have a two-bed flat and now that DD2 has finally moved out it means that DP and I now have space to be apart when we need to be. Yay for that 'spare' room!

I've been thinking about this recently as my two closest friends have (quite separately) got elderly parents who are just draining their lives. I don't say that lightly. Both have parents who won't move to somewhere more practical, won't cooperate with carers coming in, won't discuss any options available to make things easier all round. Neither have money worries so could afford to move if they wanted. They are both bitter and nasty to their daughters (my friends) and point blank refuse to consider moving to a nursing home, which is what they both need. The result is a miserable mess at the end of their lives which is heartbreaking to see. I know there is no easy answer to this, but you need to stay alert to this as you get older, I think, to make sure you don't do that to your children.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

It amazes me that anyone of 55 would want to live in one of those retirement complexes. The vast majority of 55 year olds I know face at least another 10 years at work! Talk about being old before your time.

I think those places are great when you're maybe 75+.

I read on here a lady whose nanna wasn't allowed out in lockdown, I was actually windering what happened.

My nanna mostly lives downstairs in her house but has a loo and a stairlift.

I should have added, the parents are in their late eighties.

On the flip side I know a couple in their 80s who have downsized considerable from a massive house to a bungalow. Unfortunately it’s a 100 miles away where they have one set of friends (also elderly) and no support network. There are far fewer hospitals and facilities. I’m not sure it’s a positive move.