Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

I'm 50 and live in a large house with an ok diced garden..kids are mid teens. I'm planning to stay in this house til I'm mid 70s at least. I love the house and even if I had to move to just the ground floor level I would hope I could still enjoy living here. We already pay someone to do the garden. Both children hope to go to Uni and I'm not expecting them necessarily to move back to this area after. I would like space for them and any potential partners and kids to come back to.
Just because the house would be bigger than I would need for my daily living doesn't mean time to move. And if I needed my children to do some odd things for me as I get older, well I think that's fine. I would hope I've brought them up with a strong concept of family.

My parents moved into a retirement village complex in their late 70’s. It’s been great for them, especially during covid plus also a relief for us. The house is well designed with a downstairs wetroom, plugs not on skirting board level, emergency lighting, wide doors for wheelchairs and even a mobility scooter charging point. They have loved it there and I would like to do something similar at the age they moved. They are very fit and active and enjoy the social side of the complex and the grounds without having the responsibility of a big garden.

My garden is ok sized not ok diced!

Plan is to downsize at some point, maybe 20 years or so when we are in 70's we have lots of stair so not practical if either of us becomes unable to climb them

My mother lives in a 4 bed house in an inexpensive part of an expensive town.

The retirement properties springing up cost the same for a 1 or 2 bed flat as her 4 bed house is worth, and then there are extortionate service charges to pay. It's cheaper for her to stay out.

I'm resigned to the fact at some time I'm going to have to be heading over there daily.

I live in a 3 bed fairly small house and would like to stay in it. I figure I can get a stairlift installed if I need one. Which is what my gran did in her house. I’ll employ a gardener. I think a bungalow would cost more than my house so not really the opportunity to downsize.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

That's where we are at with my parents, currently dm loves hosting but we already don't all fit in the house bedroom wise (since my dd has a dp now she wants to invite) so we spill into their friends house (helps with rule of 6 too!) but another 5 years or so I can't see her doing it so it will be my job.

My parents moved from the family home in their mid 60’s to a bungalow with a decent garden to be near where my DB and I settled. We were most happy to have them and since I lost my DM 2 years ago the bungalow has been fine for my DF to manage alone with a cleaner now and again.
He still manages the garden but we could help with that if needed. I would want to keep him there as long as possible we may need to do a walk in shower room etc but they made that possible by moving early and being practical.

Well my GPS installed a stair lift when my nanas mobility got bad. She does of cancer before mobility became a serious issue though and my grandad sold the house and moved in with my mum

The money from selling the house would not have been enough to buy a bungalow and they were very against the part own part buy ones after owning their own home for ever.

There was talk of my mum also selling her house and them all buying together but I'm not sure we'd have ever managed to get my nana to move.

I'm in a council house so when the dc move out and I become eligable I'll apply for either a bungalow or a down stairs flat

I think it is easy to say what you will do, 20 years hence.
But in 20 years time, you'll think, I like it here, I like the space, I like the hobby rooms and the fact the GC can come to stay, and I'm still well.
And carry on, until one day, you find you aren't well, and can't quite face it...

I had the type of relationship with my Dad that I could make the decision for him. My mum not. I’m working to creat the same kind of relationship with my daughter so come the time we hopefully have a trust that I will let her make the decision and she feels assertive enough to do it.

My parents are in a hoarded five-bedroom house which they won't leave and which has various things wrong with it that can't be fixed because their 50 years' of stuff is in the way.

My parents-in-law sensibly moved from their 3 bedroom house to sheltered accommodation before my FIL died, so MIL is in an easy-to-manage ground floor flat with no worries about maintenance etc. neighbours of a similar age and a call system if she's taken ill.

I know which position I would rather be in in 20 years' time.

I love my house. I particularly love where it is, it’s quiet and there’s fields I can walk in over the road. I always thought that this would be my forever home, but it’s a family home and when my youngest leaves I will look for a lovely detached bungalow.
I have seen my FIL refuse to leave his crumbling bungalow, the garden is massive with hedges all around. He pays a fortune out of his pension to maintain the garden, yet when he dies I’ve no doubt that the lot will be ripped out and a couple of houses built there. This situation causes great strain on his elderly children, and I won’t do that to my kids.

I agree with Suzi, I just don't 'get' this. I'd get a stairlift and a Gardener without a second thought.

This is a mental issue and in the end you have a straight talk with your mum presumably and say I'm sorry mum but this and that now HAS to happen.

We are facing this in the very near future. However, we are in an area surrounded by lovely walks on our doorstep and a bus that comes down our road every twenty minutes to take us to a choice of two stations, shopping, etc with doctors and dentist both close by. We have decent neighbours and friends and family close by. We have installed a downstairs toilet and replaced the bath with a walk in shower, higher height toilets etc. We could have a stair lift when required. Windows are now replaced with low maintenance upvc together with fascia boards etc. All intended to not to need painting. The garden is big and we will eventually need someone to do the mowing and other jobs that crop up. If the cost gets too much as a last resort and it’s not something I would recommend we could take some money out of the house. I am nearly 80 and dh is 82 but so far we have managed to keep the house respectable, painted regularly and dh loves to garden. It’s his main pleasure and mine is painting the family, pets the flowers in the garden and anything I wish to remember. I don’t want the worry or the hassle of moving from where we are happy. So it depends on your circumstances and how much your home suits you.

I'm in that older age group - in my 60's. At 60 , DH and I downsized to a very nice 2 bedroom villa in an over-50's estate. We love it, there is a great social life here and everyone looks out for one another.

The last thing I wanted to do, was to hang on like my mother did, in an enormous house which was totally unsuitable for her. She couldn't even walk up to the front gate because it was so steep, so she was a prisoner in her home.

Getting older doesn't happen overnight - you do get plenty of warning . I'm at a loss to understand why so many people hang on for no good reason, except being afraid of change.

I posted about 150 posts back.
After reading on here, it has given me two things to think about.
Windows - they need replacing soon. Maybe plastic is the way to go, but not sure that would suit our property.
And garden - I know from when we got a gardener a few years back, the garden is large, and even having someone here a few times a year, it adds up in cost. hmm.

starrynignt21 - with my FIL I think it’s control. That’s why he stays.

This is very interesting. My mum moved into a bungalow in her early 60s and managed to stay there until mid 80s.

In laws are now in their 80s and in still in DHs childhood home ... no downstairs loo, steep stairs, large garden which was their pride and joy and now they can no longer manage it. They used to very houseproud but now it’s musty and grubby. All very sad, they’re wealthy but refuse to pay for cleaners or gardeners. MiL insists she’ll be carried out of there in a box. In the meantime DH (only child) worries immensely about them, whilst running his own business and having two DDs still at home with their own challenges.

It’s selfish and I won’t do that to our kids.

DH and I are late fifties and plan to make a move nearer our adult children and nearer the coast next year. Currently we are about a 3 hour drive away, and from being at that distance when my mum and dad needed end of life care that is just too far. Three out of the five all live in the same area and two have bought houses, so we feel we can count on a couple of them staying around!

We are not necessarily looking for a smaller house, but one with less stairs, straight stairs which will fit a stair lift in future (or a bungalow but as per PP, those are scarce and expensive) and a walk in shower or suitable space to install one. We will also be looking for good local amenities in walking/mobility scooter distance in case we become unable to drive and a flat reasonably sized plot with easy access to the house. Unfortunately, I already have a chronic pain condition so this all needs to be considered.

We hope all this will be enough to “future proof” without compromising our lifestyle too much at a young age.

Both of my now deceased and widowed in their 70s Great Grandmothers downsized when they were early - mid 80s. Both had Alzheimer’s diagnosed late 80s, and ended up in care homes which were funded by their downsizing and then sale of their bungalows.

My grandparents (children of the above mentioned GGMs) who are late 70s already live in a bungalow, have done since before I was born (I’m 34) and have solid plans in place with reasonable variations depending on how their health goes.

Same for my Dad who’s almost 60.

As for me? I’m still renting and could weep at the thought that I will likely never own a house as a single mother of 3. So no idea.

My mum comment is that she hates the idea of a retirement village because it’s full of old people (of her age )

But I think she has a point. Getting older isn’t just about getting older physically.
The difference between people who have a great retirement life and those who don’t can also be down to what your outlook is. The more dynamic you stay, the more youthful (in your mind, your attitude etc...), the better your life.
It’s harder to acheive when surrounded by older people than by young people Imo.

My plan is to downsize in 5-10 years, gift part of the proceeds of the house to DS and pray for an early death.

That's the spirit

I'm a social worker so I see this all the time.

I'm in my forties and just moved to our almost forever home as in I'm thinking 20/25 years then downsize. Of course if one of us developed mobility problems it would be sooner - lots of stairs in this house.

I've promised myself not to be a burden to my kids like I feel my mum is to me at times - sad to say it but it's how I feel. Mainly because she refuses to do anything much and relies on my sibling and I for all her company...which even though I love her, is tedious at best.

I'm fully prepared for my kids to feel this about me too.

I don't have children so am on my own & it's up to me to sort things out. I'm not expecting to have anyone in my life in the future.

Once my parents die, my remaining family live a good 4 hours drive away but again, they're in the middle of nowhere & I have no links to that area.

I plan to downsize to a bungalow or even flat - preferably 2-bed. If a flat then ground floor with a small garden as have & will want to continue to keep cats.
The house I live in doesn't have family memories in it so although I'm fond of the place, it's not like a childhood or marital home in which I raised children!

I intend to do this in my 60s or at the latest early 70s.

I love the area I live in & I will be VERY unwilling to move.
The area is on the outskirts of a decent town so with country walks/pubs only a 10min drive away.
There is a wide mix of houses, flats, bungalows & sheltered accommodation.
I can walk to shops, GP, dentist in 5mins, it's 10min bus ride into main town with frequent all-day service, cab to station only £6, trains all over the South East with frequent services into London & all its delights.
I know from dealing with my Mum that there are plenty of care agencies in the area to choose from! I also know from experience that it's £15 cab to two massive & well-rated NHS hospitals....

Basically I don't want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere. Since the age of 18 - over 30 years ago - I have lived either in London or here.
I grew up in a rural village & have no desire to go back to that life.
As a woman on my own, it makes sense to stay here.