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Original poster

The OW is miserable with him

342 replies

BadgerHair · 28/05/2021 18:43

Split with ex about 6 years ago. I found out he had cheated for the 2nd time (2nd time that I knew about, there could have been more). The end of my relationship and his new relationship overlapped by 3 months. He is still with the OW.

3 months later I met my lovely DP, kind of recycled as we went out with each other at school. We are still together.

Friend met OW through a hobby. Friend assumed OW knew who she was but was just keeping quiet for the sake of peace in the group. However, it appears that OW hasn't clicked that her new hobby friend is a long standing friend of mine. OW has been confiding in friend - her partner / my ex cheats. He also compares her unfavourably to me all the time. Her appearance, career, cooking (and I'm a shit cook), everything. He also tells her that he could get back with me if he wanted to 😂😂😂. No chance of that, he's a dick.

Normally I'd feel sorry for a woman in this situation. But I see her as equally responsible as him for what happened - my life was suddenly turned upside down, I had to move house, was suddenly single, went on a holiday booked for me and ex by myself. It worked out well for me in the end but initially it was turmoil. I feel her actions caused her own misery.

Just wanted to vent 😃.

OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 28/05/2021 21:19

I can understand venting, but I can say I have been in a similar situation. My ex cheated and she knew we were married with a child, she didn't care. However a year later when he tried to get me back and she asked me to be honest, I was. I didn't want someone else to go through what I did, regardless of who it was. In my eyes she did me a favour and if I still remain grateful to her to this day for showing me what a loser he was. She did you a massive favour OP.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 28/05/2021 21:20

Instead of just replying No anytime this woman asks your friend to meet up, your friend needs to be replying with "I've been friends with BadgerHair for 20 years so I'm not going to become your friend after what you and Ex did. Please stop asking me to meet up."

It's really dishonest of her to not say anything. She may not have invited the friendship or asked to be treated as a confidant, but when this woman started doing it, your friend should have spoken up.

Two wrongs do not make a right. That woman was wrong to be with a man in a relationship. Your friend is wrong to let this woman pour other heart out to the group, and then privately to her, without saying anything and then reporting it back to you. No one comes out of this looking good.

Original poster
BadgerHair · 28/05/2021 21:22

@Kissthepastrychef

PP never said your friend should leave the group, she shouldn't be passing on personal details of this woman's life. The woman is doing it herself by broadcasting it to all and sundry regardless of how well she knows them
My friend has been in this group for years, I've met some of the other members. All they will know about me is that I am friends with friend and have a DP, maybe a couple of light anecdotes. What they won't know us that several years ago, an ex cheated on me.
OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Lira91 · 28/05/2021 21:22

I read somewhere when it came to Khloe Kardashiam and Tristan - you lose them how you found them. This is exactly that. I don't thing OPs friend is doing anything mean by relaying this? I'd do the same if I was the friend in the situation, especially if the OW is airing her dirty laundry to anyone in the group, it's not like she's make OPs friend pinky promise not to tell anyone. I'm glad you're doing better for yourself @BadgerHair :)

PizzaCrust · 28/05/2021 21:24

I’d be delighted about this, tbh. Don’t go after men who have partners Halo. He is definitely more in the wrong than her but you reap what you sow. Oh dear.

Mandalay246 · 28/05/2021 21:25

She chose him, knowing he was in a long term relationship with someone else, and went for it anyway. She got what she wanted - a relationship with him.

Exactly OP. Don't waste a moment of sympathy on her. She's an adult, she knew what she was getting into - and presumably she can now leave if she wants. I have no time whatsoever for anyone who takes up with someone already in a relationship, as far as I'm concerned they reap what they sow - male or female.

Original poster
BadgerHair · 28/05/2021 21:26

@Lira91

I read somewhere when it came to Khloe Kardashiam and Tristan - you lose them how you found them. This is exactly that. I don't thing OPs friend is doing anything mean by relaying this? I'd do the same if I was the friend in the situation, especially if the OW is airing her dirty laundry to anyone in the group, it's not like she's make OPs friend pinky promise not to tell anyone. I'm glad you're doing better for yourself *@BadgerHair* :)
Thank you and exactly this - my friend has never promised the OW that she won't repeat what the OW says to anyone. It's the OW's prerogative to discuss her relationship issues with people she hikes with but she has no right to expect them not to disclose what she says to others.
OP posts:
SaturdayRocks · 28/05/2021 21:26

Whether or not @Bluntness100 has been a OW or not is irrelevant.

She certainly does seem to think that being picked by a sub-standard cheating man (to be cheated on) is some sort of prize, though. Which is a bit sad.

CliffsofMohair · 28/05/2021 21:31

Live by the sword you die by the sword I guess.

Bluntness100 · 28/05/2021 21:32

You been an OW then?

No. I’ve been with my husband for 32 years since I was twenty. I’m faithful to him, I think him me.

I just don’t think that the op should be gloating. She doesn’t know what he told this woman to make her go with him and it’s highly unlikely the ow is spewing the shit the friend is feeding to the op.

It’s been a long time, the op should be over it by now. It’s sad she’s still so caught up in it she’s desperate to think she’s better than the ow and her friend knows it and is feeding it.

GlitterBombing · 28/05/2021 21:33

@SaturdayRocks

Whether or not *@Bluntness100* has been a OW or not is irrelevant.

She certainly does seem to think that being picked by a sub-standard cheating man (to be cheated on) is some sort of prize, though. Which is a bit sad.

🤣🤣🤣
Bluntness100 · 28/05/2021 21:35

She certainly does seem to think that being picked by a sub-standard cheating man (to be cheated on) is some sort of prize, though. Which is a bit sad

Who the op or me?

Becayse I feel sorry for both of them, truth be told. Both of these women are still emotionally involved with this man who is or has treated them like shit. To the extent they are buying this shit and turning on each other.

AlternativePerspective · 28/05/2021 21:36

I’m interested as to how far it’s ok for people to believe the OW got what she deserved.

So she cheated with the OP’s partner, it could therefore quite conceiveably be argued that if he cheats with you he may cheat on you, so on that score I think it’s fair to say that she knew what she was getting into.

But it sounds as if this woman is being emotionally abused, does she really deserve that? What if the abuse was physical? Would that just be her getting her just deserts because she was instrumental in the break-up of OP’s relationship?

It’s a balance. It’s totally understandable to be glad that someone hasn’t ended up with the life they thought they would when they cheated on someone, but that line is crossed when people are glad that the person is being emotionally, and I would imagine that in some cases even physically abused.

Recently there was a thread on here talking about people’s experiences of karma after a relationship breakdown, and one poster actually posted that she was glad her ex and his OW had suffered a stillbirth.

While there were posters who were incredibly horrified about this and in actual fact that poster did get a hard time over it and her posts were deleted, there were actually posters on there who agreed that it was no more than the OW deserved.

We have to be careful not to stoop to the level of those who we feel have wronged us.

Wishing abuse on someone who wronged you makes you no better than they are.

As for the friend, I take the same view of people who bitch about others as I do to people who cheat. I.e., if they bitch to you then they are guaranteed to be bitching about you.

Don’t be so sure that your friend doesn’t bitch about you behind your back OP. She almost certainly does.

TonTonMacoute · 28/05/2021 21:38

I get you OP. I think it's called 'closure'.

You now know that you are better off as you are, without him in your life. The fact he is making the OW miserable is not your problem

Mandalay246 · 28/05/2021 21:38

She got exactly what she paid for but I do think your friend is being a bit of a bitch here. She needs to stop telling you what her other so-called friend is saying.

Why exactly? Her loyalty is to the OP, not this woman moaning to all and sundry.

There are some sanctimonious people on here - and I agree, there seem to be a few OW as well, trying to justify this behaviour. As for the pp who who thinks there are a lot of woman who have been cheated on and in their bitterness are siding with the OP do get a grip. I've never been cheated on in my life and I say enjoy your moment OP Smile

theleafandnotthetree · 28/05/2021 21:40

I will get flamed for this but I do think there is a difference between having an affair with a married man with children and the OP's situation, where yes, the OW got involved with someone in a relationship but the stakes (for want of a better word) were maybe not quite as high. Has nobody on here ever had what we might call overlap, especially in relationships when younger? (I hsvent but I can know of so many cases amongst perfectly normal, non evil people). This level of vitriol and glee leaves a bad taste in my mouth too, especially so long after the fact.

RickiTarr · 28/05/2021 21:43

Recently there was a thread on here talking about people’s experiences of karma after a relationship breakdown, and one poster actually posted that she was glad her ex and his OW had suffered a stillbirth.

Wow. What’s awful is I can completely believe that of OW threads on MN. Sad

Milliepossum · 28/05/2021 21:44

OP, I completely understand the confirmation that you dodged a bullet and you are entitled to feel good about that. As for the OW planning and fucking your partner in your house while you are away I know what this feels like too. They deserve each other. They are both accomplished liars. Anyone who has been cheated on will know not to automatically take what the OW says at face value. She could easily be projecting her own behaviour. They both deserve each other. Your friend no doubt has your back and is also glad for you, she doesn’t deserve the criticism she’s getting on this thread, she has done nothing wrong. The OW will probably leave the hiking group as quickly as she breezed in after she finishes getting whatever she’s currently using it for.

Blossomtoes · 28/05/2021 21:44

So if you’re not married or don’t have children your relationship is fair game and it’s fine to be unfaithful @theleafandnotthetree? Some people’s standards are incredibly low.

Jazzy1814 · 28/05/2021 21:44

Karma is restored! I’m not a vengeful person but I do believe that the world eventually sorts people out for their wrongs appropriately and we can take a little joy in it when it happens. You should 100% vent/ feel satisfied and even feel a little bit healed, these people screwed you over without a second thought and you suffered for it, it’s come back to bite them in the ass so so what if you smile about it, certainly not the worse thing in the world.

Original poster
BadgerHair · 28/05/2021 21:45

@TonTonMacoute

I get you OP. I think it's called 'closure'.

You now know that you are better off as you are, without him in your life. The fact he is making the OW miserable is not your problem

I think you're right. It is closure.
OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/05/2021 21:45

@Sakura7

This ridiculous level of saintliness is another stupid expectation to pile onto women and it can feck right off.

Hear hear!

Agree with this.

While I wouldn't actively wish this on anyone, I wouldn't waste any sympathy on them if someone knowingly and deliberately shafted me and then ended up miserable. It's human nature.

Plus - the remedy is in her own hands. She could walk away from this car crash of a "relationship" and get on with her life. Instead she is choosing to stay with someone who is treating her like muck, and who has probably been serially unfaithful to her, too.

RickiTarr · 28/05/2021 21:46

There are some sanctimonious people on here - and I agree, there seem to be a few OW as well, trying to justify this behaviour.

You don’t think most people disapprove of domestic abuse, and gloating about domestic abuse? What a weird world you must live in where you read that as sanctimonious or promiscuous. Confused

Jazzy1814 · 28/05/2021 21:46

People are taking this too seriously let the wronged lady have her moment they sure as hell had theirs.

SaturdayRocks · 28/05/2021 21:46

@Bluntness100

She certainly does seem to think that being picked by a sub-standard cheating man (to be cheated on) is some sort of prize, though. Which is a bit sad

Who the op or me?

Becayse I feel sorry for both of them, truth be told. Both of these women are still emotionally involved with this man who is or has treated them like shit. To the extent they are buying this shit and turning on each other.

You - with your...

I hope you’re enjoying your gloating and thinking youre all that and a bag of chips. He still cheated on you op.

And then coming back with your finger-jabbing comment:

To be clear, he still chose her over you.

You really want her to know that she wasn’t ‘picked’ by the sub-par, poor excuse for a man, don’t you? Like she’s somehow lost out in the situation...? I mean, seriously?

And nobody’s ‘turning on anyone’. What a bizarre comment.

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