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Original poster

Just realised how snobby & unfriendly the mums at dc's school are:(

302 replies

Jerseyshore12 · 18/05/2021 12:20

Bit of a background... My dc's are at a very good state school in an affluent area... Most parents at the school live in similar estates/houses however the level of snobbery is really making me miserable, I hate the school run... I try to be friendly, always smile, say hi, try to muster up conversation but they literally look at me like I'm something they walked on... I came home & cried this morning, I felt so belittled & worthless. If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee you don't seem to get acknowledged... Thankfully we live in a lovely house & area, dc are super happy in the school, lots of friends & are flying with their schoolwork which really is the main thing... I guess I just need a few coping mechanisms to get me through the drop offs. Please be kind & if anyone has had any similar experiences please share.

OP posts:
Nohomemadecandles · 19/05/2021 18:00

@LoverOfAllThingsPurple

They were like this at my sons primary school. I just went and got on with it and only spoke to people if they made the effort to speak to me first. Eventually I did speak to some mums whose kids were friends with my kids. Otherwise, just leave them to it. School mums can be incredibly bitchy, try to keep away from it.
You only spoke to them if they made the effort with you but THEY'RE bitchy? Confused
cansu · 19/05/2021 18:01

You really need to stop wanting this group's approval. They are random women who happen to have kids the same age.

Lisa46 · 19/05/2021 18:03

It won't last forever Op - you might not have noticed but there may be other parents who don't fit in the clique too. I went through this in several schools and also other schools would be totally different - I don't think it's you - it's the cliques. People can be cruel - maybe not even intentionally, but I think you should focus your attention on other people who may not be included in those groups.

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Yespresh · 19/05/2021 18:04

I am old. These parents are not your friends. Their kids may be your kids friends but they aren't yours. Just smile and move on. If they can’t be civil then they are not worth your attention.

frogswimming · 19/05/2021 18:12

Why don't you join the pta and get to know them? Then you can stop feeling ignored and contribute to your dc education and feeling of community at the same time. Maybe they are friends from being on pta together and hardly notice or think about you at all. Don't take it so personally.

KidneyBeans · 19/05/2021 18:34

@angela99999

How is it mean? It's pointing out factually correct information. The OP is the one being judgemental and name calling not them.

I appreciate she's upset, but it seems to be in part at least, a situation if her own making and blaming others for how she feels won't help that

peaceanddove · 19/05/2021 18:54

I'm intrigued what the OP expects of this group of women? As she walks past them and smiles, is she expecting them to pause their conversation and say "Hey, you look like a nice person. Please, come and join our group". Because that just isn't how life works. It's not how people work.

I genuinely don't expect other people to be overly interested in me, because I'm not overly interested in them. I just don't attach that much self importance to myself. I don't tie myself in knots trying to work out if someone else likes me. Life is too short.

People are attracted to other people who are laid back, low key and comfortable in their own skin. They are not attracted to people who are neurotic, self obsessed and insecure.

PhoenixIsFlying · 19/05/2021 18:55

It amazes me how unfriendly adults can be sometimes. I am sorry you are experiencing this. I used to dread the school drop off. I still find it difficult, but over the years I have found a few people I chat to. If these mums are ignorant enough to see someone on their own and not welcome them in, well they're not worth the effort. You sound like a very friendly, lovely person. Xxx

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2021 19:02

If these mums are ignorant enough to see someone on their own and not welcome them in, well they're not worth the effort

How do you even do that? There will be dozens and dozens of parents waiting around to pick up kids. Are you seriously suggesting that if anyone is talking to a friend they need to walk round every single one and ask them to join? That’s such a weird thing to expect people to do.

If the op went over I’m sure they’d welcome her. But honestly no one wanders round the whole playground rounding up parents.

SummerHouse · 19/05/2021 19:02

It's no you. Or necessarily them. I found myself excluded from the gang for my older DC. I just sort of missed the window. Went about my business till younger DS started and bingo. My people found me. Sometimes the winds just blowing in the wrong direction. Just keep positive and don't let the bastards get you down. Your people are waiting!

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/05/2021 19:05

If the op went over I’m sure they’d welcome her. But honestly no one wanders round the whole playground rounding up parents.
Of course they don't. But it's quite astounding that so many people seem to think this is how things work Confused
Stand on your own like a lemon and it's everyone else's fault because they don't make a beeline for you...

caspersmagicaljourney · 19/05/2021 19:06

I would just say hello and walk on. They can't accuse you of being ignorant then.
Life's too short to get stressed about small minded people like these mothers.😎

peaceanddove · 19/05/2021 19:09

@Bluntness100

If these mums are ignorant enough to see someone on their own and not welcome them in, well they're not worth the effort

How do you even do that? There will be dozens and dozens of parents waiting around to pick up kids. Are you seriously suggesting that if anyone is talking to a friend they need to walk round every single one and ask them to join? That’s such a weird thing to expect people to do.

If the op went over I’m sure they’d welcome her. But honestly no one wanders round the whole playground rounding up parents.

Totally agree with this. It's no coincidence that the posters who clearly don't understand how casual social interactions work are the same ones moaning about cliques and bullies in the school playground. For God's sake learn how this actually works otherwise there's a very high chance you will pass on your ineptness to your children.
looptheloopinahulahoop · 19/05/2021 19:15

OP you don't need to be friends with other parents.

The friends you make via hobbies or work are much better ones. If you don't have a hobby, find one, like swimming or yoga or a choir (when they are allowed again) and I guarantee you will make friends.

If the op went over I’m sure they’d welcome her. But honestly no one wanders round the whole playground rounding up parents

Nobody thinks this is the way things work and I can assure you that parents would not welcome any or every parent who tried to talk to them. They like their cliques and they don't like outsiders.

I remember two incidents - one at primary school - I did know one of the mums from NCT so when I went into a concert or whatever the event was, I sat next to her. She was actually perfectly friendly, all was fine. But then her "bestie " turned up and told me to move because she wanted to sit next to her.

And the other one was when I was talking to someone and another mother waltzed up, ignored me totally and started talking to the other mother. When she paused for breath, I said "well, as I was saying before we were interrupted" and carried on with the conversation briefly and then someone else came along for me to talk to, thank goodness.

I think other people who apparently have so many lovely friends and are so #blessed are socially inept. But other women don't seem to think so. Hey ho.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/05/2021 19:17

Nobody thinks this is the way things work and I can assure you that parents would not welcome any or every parent who tried to talk to them. They like their cliques and they don't like outsiders
Such a vast generalisation, clearly based on your own personal experience. Why can't you just accept that your experience really wasn't the norm for everybody?

angela99999 · 19/05/2021 19:18

[quote KidneyBeans]@angela99999

How is it mean? It's pointing out factually correct information. The OP is the one being judgemental and name calling not them.

I appreciate she's upset, but it seems to be in part at least, a situation if her own making and blaming others for how she feels won't help that [/quote]
I know from experience how cliquey school gates can be, you're being mean by suggesting that the OP is in the wrong. It isn't difficult for other Mums to be a bit friendly even if they don't want to be bosom buddies. That is normal civility for those of us who are normal.

Seahorsemama · 19/05/2021 19:27

Breakfast and after school care - avoid the bitches.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/05/2021 19:30

@Seahorsemama

Breakfast and after school care - avoid the bitches.
Dear God 🤣🤣🤣
Pinkblueberry · 19/05/2021 19:33

I don’t get it, maybe because my children aren’t school age. It’s the kid’s playground - not the parents playground, you’re not there to make friends you’re their to pick your kids up. Some parents will know each other and chat, some won’t know others so will therefore stand by themselves. I think it’s silly to think others have to ‘include’ you because your child goes to the same school. They probably know each other outside of school too or have kids that are good friends, why should they make conversation with someone they don’t know?

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 19/05/2021 19:34

It isn't you OP and don't waste anymore time worrying about these parents at the school gate.
I had the same and moved from a city to a tiny village and really thought I would fit in and make genuine mum friends. I never and it made me miss my old friends even more and the old nursery my Daughter went to as all the mums were lovely.
Fast forward 10 years, two children in secondary school and my younger only has another year at primary. I realise, these mums all grew up with each other and had children at the same time. I suppose I was lonely but now I don't feel the same. My children are all very happy and love school. They have lots of friends so even when I have struggled thankfully it has never affected my kids friendships.
I am sure as time go on you will feel more settled and not care.

Dontknowowt · 19/05/2021 19:39

I guess I'm the "other way around" in that I'm a working mum and my child goes to a village school where nearly all of the other parents are SAHM's. I just don't really "fit" into their lifestyle. They're always polite as I am I, but none of them are my friends. I'm fine with that, just the way it is.

Kindlethefourth · 19/05/2021 19:43

I wasn't a particularly older Mum but mainly would speak to the Nanna's doing the school runs! Much less cliquey and able to small talk.

mylifestory · 19/05/2021 20:10

Ours turned very cliquey after the classes were mixed up halfway thru primary. We'd had a nice class up til then bt it became hell. I drove and sat in my car til the gates opened ( as some other complete unsociables were already doing), grabbed kid and left, I didnt even get out of the car in the morning. That part of my life has gone. Bunch of social climbing wannabees! Onwards and upwards to new school in different area. Dont let it get to you as there isnt much you can do and do you really want to be this lots friend??

RainbowBrite1 · 19/05/2021 20:11

I'm the same we have just moved into a little village my daughter luckily is enjoying it and is making friends. Me on the other hand are the same as you absolutely hate it. I've tried talking to people and saying hello but just get a hi back that's it. Everyone seems to know everyone and are in little groups. My daughter has joined year 3 so it's hard I'm sure it would have been easier if it was reception. Her old school I'd made a few friends and enjoyed the school run. I now sit in my car till 2 minutes before. I'm quite lonely really moving to a new area actually in the middle of nowhere my husband has a very good job and works full time and I'm at home with the children but I don't know anybody in the area. We live on a none working farm so don't have any neighbours either.

HibouMilou · 19/05/2021 20:28

It’s my experience that people who come across like this are actually all pretty insecure and socially nervous themselves. Sticking to their clique is their way of coping. Nothing to do with you. It’s just people lacking social skills.

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