Just realised how snobby & unfriendly the mums at dc's school are:(

[Jerseyshore12]

Bit of a background... My dc's are at a very good state school in an affluent area... Most parents at the school live in similar estates/houses however the level of snobbery is really making me miserable, I hate the school run... I try to be friendly, always smile, say hi, try to muster up conversation but they literally look at me like I'm something they walked on... I came home & cried this morning, I felt so belittled & worthless. If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee you don't seem to get acknowledged... Thankfully we live in a lovely house & area, dc are super happy in the school, lots of friends & are flying with their schoolwork which really is the main thing... I guess I just need a few coping mechanisms to get me through the drop offs. Please be kind & if anyone has had any similar experiences please share.

Same problem at our school abs basically I look at them all and think, their lives aren’t that great if they are so miserable and rude. Negativity breeds negativity do if they can’t be polite it’s because their own lives are a bit more s* than they like to admit! Also, the fact that you care that they don’t speak to you makes you a nicer person than they Are. If it helps, make up stories in your head about them all to make yourself feel better! I guarantee if you actually paid real attention took to them, rather than the horrible way they make you feel, you would actually learn things about them that you don’t like, or notice that your life is actually better than theirs and you’d feel sorry for them. That’s what happened to me!

One mum, in my case, was so la de da about how she lost 4 stone in weight and had worked really really hard, look how great she looks, look how well she is, look how great she’s got it together since Dave left... turns out she had had big rows with Dave and he was bank rolling her fantastic life, she has no job, no prospects and her weight loss was actually due to an operation that her ex paid for before he left to shut her up!!

Peoples lives are rarely what they seem on the outside. Be comforted by that and ignore them.

She was actually perfectly friendly, all was fine. But then her "bestie " turned up and told me to move because she wanted to sit next to her

Why was this a problem for you? If she was a much closer friend then I would expect her to want to sit next to her. Really wouldn't be a problem for me.

When she paused for breath, I said "well, as I was saying before we were interrupted" and carried on with the conversation briefly Oh dear God, no, no, no. This is not how you handle this situation.

Much is becoming clear......

I always have a face like a slapped arse on the morning school run. I’m rushing around trying to get to work and have a million things on my mind. If you want to make friends, strike up a conversation at pick up. Don’t expect anything at drop off. And no one makes friends by just saying hello, you have to actually start talking about something. Or get involved in the school community some other way. Saying hi in passing to people isn’t a way to make friends.

So much judging on this thread 😂 and “school mums” are just mums aren’t they?!

I can assure you that parents would not welcome any or every parent who tried to talk to them

the what now? No parent ever will talk to another parent? How is this even possible?

No, Kelly Nobody is ignoring you at the school gates because their lives are shit.
This is definitely a story you've made up in your head
But if it helps? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I didn't make a point of not striking up impromptu conversations with all and sundry in the playground because my life was shit. Far from it. My life was actually really busy and I was very preoccupied with a new business I had started up the summer before DD started school. So, I tended to just smile and nod a lot and perhaps exchange a few words with the Mums I recognised from DD's nursery. Quickly chatting with them was easier than instigating a conversation with a total stranger, and it just wasn't my job to ensure everyone in the playground felt included in these quick chats FFS.

I sort of get where you are coming from OP. DD1 is autistic and doesn't really have many friends, and very few of the other Mums really talk to me as they tend to make friends over their kids playdates / parties etc that DD1 never gets invited too (and obviously because of covid this hasn't really been happening regardless). But I can't really get emotional over it. These people aren't my friends or family and as far as I'm concerned I'm there to drop off / pick up DD1 rather than socialise.

I know you got so many replies but I also wanted ho say please don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I’m ok the same situation as you. Only I’m not sahm ( I wish I was), you could define me as someone with a high flying job, and I am also totally ignored at the school gates. 5 years and counting. What I’m trying to say, it’s not about being a sahm or a high flying jobber or anything left or right and please please don’t let that bother you. They seem very cliquey and that’s the main reason. Or maybe they think you would not want hung around with them. All I’m saying. It’s not you. You sound really lovely. And don’t let this bring you down. I’m sure you have fabulous friends anyway. Keep strong. Hugs.

It was like this in my youngest daughters school & after a few weeks I realised they weren’t my kind of people & I didn’t actually want to interact with them. I really have better things to be doing.
A smile & a hello from them wouldn’t kill them but do you really want to engage with those kind of people anyway?

I haven't read the whole thread but I literally let the kids out of the car (I'm on a four day week) that day. At home time I am last on the playground outside. I wait near the gate. I don't get involved in the playground stuff. I have a few local friends and did the whole PTA thing. It wasn't for me at all.

Gosh, reading this thread makes me utterly thankful that I worked full time and never took the DC to school!
The nanny took them for reception year and then they coped by themselves - their school was just a few hundred yards from our house.
The nanny did comment that the playgroup mums (the year before school) were horribly cliquey and looked down on her. She reckoned none of them had jobs, so were bored and bitchy, getting obsessed with trivia like the tidying up rota!

As pps have said, you don't want to be friends with people like that anyway

There is possibly bit of this at dcs' primary school, but I'm probably more self assured than I really deserve to be, so I smile and say hi, pick up my dcs and off I merrily fuck! I have no time for people who don't give me the time of day. I think most people are doing the same as I am tbf and are just there to collect their DCs and not a chat. I usually get a smile or a hi from someone or other, but we don't chat really. Sounds like a similar demographic as well. It doesn't especially bother me. I've heard more stories of parents who are or were 'good friends' coming to blows at the school gates than perfect strangers who sometimes say hi, so in a way, the polite but not super friendly might be preferable!

@angela99999
I know from experience how cliquey school gates can be, you're being mean by suggesting that the OP is in the wrong.

It's 'mean' to suggest judging people, and calling them names isn't the most effective way of making friends?

It isn't difficult for other Mums to be a bit friendly even if they don't want to be bosom buddies. That is normal civility for those of us who are normal.

It isn't difficult for the OP either then is it. Why do the rules only apply to other people?

Says sooo much more about them than it does about you.
Keep your head up and march on. Don’t let them bother you. This isn’t Mean Girls, regardless of how they behave.

I didn’t say they were ignoring due to that, I said they’re rude and miserable due to that.

Some people may have this expectation, but most of us have plenty of friends already, and jobs to rush off to. But...we still have to stand with this group of other parents for 10 minutes twice a day, and regardless of whether you really give a shit if they like you, it is undermining when they have all the time and smiles in the world for each other, while you seem to be invisible.

Actually, I'd like to make more friends at the school gate, precisely because I work so much and don't have time to make other new friends in the area. So when a group are genuinely welcoming, they're the ones I tend to head to, not the one silently judging everyone else while also thinking that this is just a crap daily ritual to get to before you do other better things. And the other sahms presumably would also rather make friends with someone that they could meet up with at other times.

Bet that a lot of the women here complaining about cliques are standing at the gate with scowling faces while they contemplate the 'cliques' (aka people who already know each other, or who do activities or pta together, or people like me who do none of the above but tend to just go and introduce myself and get other people chatting) and nobody wants to interrupt them.

I was friendly with DC1’s class parents / I learnt quickly not to get involved. With my next 3 the parents hardly know who I am - just how I like it. Drop and go. They’re not worth your tears that’s for sure.

I solved this problem. I sent my DH to do the school runs, the snobby women loved him! Easy

@Crispynoodle

I solved this problem. I sent my DH to do the school runs, the snobby women loved him! Easy

So they weren't particularly snobby after all?

I just can't think what the thought process is for these women. I myself come across a little quiet and awkward, but am always warm and friendly if spoken to. I'm not well versed in small talk etc due to not really being spoken to early in life, so I never think to say good morning to people, but if someone said hello I would happily chat.
Can't imagine being so up myself and spiteful: you don't need the approval of people who act that way, and you're too good for these mothers. Even if they spoke to you, I think you'd find them detestable, as you sound so nice and well-meaning OP that you wouldn't get on with mean-spirited people.

There is hope @Jerseyshore12...

I had similar a experience to you for the first 3 years of primary.

My ds was happy and had friends but I found the parents very cliquey and hard to get to know. It was like they suddenly all knew each other after the first week in reception and had loads to talk about while I was still stuck on occasional small talk.

I wasn’t too upset as I had plenty of friends outside school, but it really did make me feel awkward! I would smile and say hi! And people would reply, but that was it, no other conversation, and they’d tootle off to their group. I resigned myself to standing on my own for years and ended up getting later and later to avoid it!

The thing that did upset me was that my ds was never invited anywhere because I wasn’t part of the clique. We invited a few friends to ours but none ever reciprocated. I didn’t know anyone enough to dare suggesting meeting up in the holidays.

The turning point came when I started booking ds into a few clubs outside of school. A couple of his classmates were at these clubs and he started to get really friendly with one particular boy who had loads of shared interests. I got chatting a bit to his mum (who was one of the parents in the “clique “ and she was lovely and very friendly. We have done play dates since and ds is very happy.

She has said that despite being friends with a lot of the mums through her older children, she was always worried that her younger one didn’t fit in well so is pleased he has finally found a friend.

I hope things start working out better for you, just keep smiling and saying hi. Things always change through the years, kids will fall in and out and you’ll probably find the “cliquey” group may move on or splinter off a bit.

@Toomuchtrouble4me

I was friendly with DC1’s class parents / I learnt quickly not to get involved. With my next 3 the parents hardly know who I am - just how I like it. Drop and go. They’re not worth your tears that’s for sure.

So many of the people saying how mean or rude other mums can be come across themselves as neither very kind nor actually very interested in the other parents as people. Of course a few mums will be arseholes, because some humans just are, but that's a minority. But most are far more open than some posters seem to think.

Greyhound is just being rude, I think your comment was clearly explaining that miserable gits have miserable lives and they're not going to be cheery to anyone.

She has said that despite being friends with a lot of the mums through her older children, she was always worried that her younger one didn’t fit in well so is pleased he has finally found a friend.
She seems to be conflating her friendships with her child's? 🤔
Or is it the way you've phrased it?