Just realised how snobby & unfriendly the mums at dc's school are:(

[Jerseyshore12]

Bit of a background... My dc's are at a very good state school in an affluent area... Most parents at the school live in similar estates/houses however the level of snobbery is really making me miserable, I hate the school run... I try to be friendly, always smile, say hi, try to muster up conversation but they literally look at me like I'm something they walked on... I came home & cried this morning, I felt so belittled & worthless. If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee you don't seem to get acknowledged... Thankfully we live in a lovely house & area, dc are super happy in the school, lots of friends & are flying with their schoolwork which really is the main thing... I guess I just need a few coping mechanisms to get me through the drop offs. Please be kind & if anyone has had any similar experiences please share.

From the age of 8 or 9 I took myself to and from school. There were no school runs then as very few people had cars. Almost all mums were SAH mums. So why are there so many lazy children being dropped off and picked up? Do they all go to school in the country where there is no transport or narrow dangerous roads? Let the kids make their own way to school and arrange their own social lives without mollycoddling them with play dates and school runs. Its a tough world out there and the sooner they learn to manage for themselves the better.

I knew all the parents in my daughters classes since nursery but only a few would say Hi or try to have a converation i wouldn't worry about it too much as long as your child is happy an ddoing well. Have you thought about joining the parent council or helping out in class (if thats still allowed).

Sorry to hear OP. Please don't take it personally, such happens in all walks of life and isn't your fault. I had similar at gym class, it was awkward having people chat around me as if I wasn't even there. Smiles met with blank stares, but turns out they knew each other from other classes whilst I only went to the one class. Took a while to be able to join in, then covid hit. Just assume they know each other from nursery, being neighbours or some other groups. If desperate to join, start by arriving early and getting to know one person at a time. Good luck.

You need to drop off your DC tomorrow come home make a cuppa and watch Motherland. Honestly after watching it you won’t feel so bad missing out on all that bullsh*t.

I was a nanny and I got to see more years of drop off then you can shake a stick at . Some years there was a culture of going to the park lots of children on playdates me sitting in mum’s kitchens and doing car boot sales even with them. Then my third round of a young family the mum network in the playground was a completely different culture. It was lonely tumbleweed in the playground and reminded me of a hideous first day at school. Very closed off cliques. It sounds like they are not as inclusive in this set and what I want to convey is it’s not you xxx Imagine I was a nanny and I was embraced in a mothering network and then another set not .So this lot are just not as lovely, friendly, warm hearted is what I am saying . They are not a reflection of you and you are not of them. See the current restrictions as not helping as well but that you can engage your lovely self elsewhere. You do not need validation in the school playground . I worked in a brokerage firm which was like a school playground. You get this culture from the top down. Whoever the queen mums are they might be not so great to befriend or there might be some working mums divide ?!? Ladies not doing fellow ladies any favours! Like someone else said hold you head high your just ahead of the current culture of unkindliness lets hope they catch up with you Xx

I think this happens in all walks of life. I was a member of a gym for years, the camaraderie was fantastic. I went to classes alone but always had someone to talk to, people even arranged nights out togerher, everyone was invited.
I had to leave and joined a new gym when I moved house.
The new gym was completely different, very cliquey. Hardly anyone acknowledged me dispute me going to the same classes week in week out. It was as if I was invisible.

This makes me think of Motherland don’t look for your self-worth in this group. It’s totally their problem, not yours.

I think a lot of it is just pot luck. I made my two best friends at the school gates about 15 or more years ago. There were plenty of cliquey groups I never talked to. The PTA group, the loud group that went out a lot in the evenings together etc etc. I just thought of it like when I was at school, you’re never going to get in on a group, they’re already established and could have been for years. Look for other randoms standing or their own or parents who smile at you.

@memberofthewedding I'm not sure about other schools, but my child's school won't let them walk to and from school unless they're in year 6 and even then you have to give permission every day and only if they walk/cycle/scoot with a buddy.

@memberofthewedding

From the age of 8 or 9 I took myself to and from school. There were no school runs then as very few people had cars. Almost all mums were SAH mums. So why are there so many lazy children being dropped off and picked up? Do they all go to school in the country where there is no transport or narrow dangerous roads? Let the kids make their own way to school and arrange their own social lives without mollycoddling them with play dates and school runs. Its a tough world out there and the sooner they learn to manage for themselves the better.

They aren't allowed to go on their own. Our primary won't release them except to a parent until y6.

And some of the reception kids are just 4. Shall we send them out alone too?

Let the kids make their own way to school and arrange their own social lives without mollycoddling them

At my son's school they had to be Y5 to be allowed to walk home on their own (although I think in practice they could have gone from Y3 as they were just released into the playground). They could have taken themselves to school at any age though, although in practice parents would have reported children out on their own. We do molly coddle our kids compared with other countries though. I remember the case of the German parents in London who let their kids go to school on their own and ended up being reported to social services but in Germany it would have been normal.

I drop and run. I have zero in common with the school parents other than living in the same village with kids the same age. My friends are from my hobbies and wider than that network. If you don't need them, why worry?

I’d have a look round and see if you can identify any other mums not in that group that may feel like you. Years ago we moved to Cheshire and there was a terrible group of ‘in’ mums who would not acknowledge me. I noticed after a while another mum looking sad and alone and started chatting to her - she felt the same as me - they had actually said to her - ooh you haven’t painted your toenails!- we banded together and had fun mocking their antics and have been very good friends for many years. My message is they are not the be all and end all - you don’t need them xxxx

Sad to see things haven't changed since I was a young Mum in the mid 80s. The first time I encountered this was at Mums and Toddlers(as it was then). I didn't go back after a few months. I had moved towns as well and remember that time as incredibly lonely. I was fortunate to belong to a church and by the time my two were at Primary, some of the mums there were lovely and our kids attended the same schools. What I do find is once your children leave high school, it all changes again, often folk move away once the children are grown. Fast forward, my daughter had a baby, lives on a new estate and guess what, exactly same situation with Mum and baby group. My daughter found them all very competitive re house, car, possessions, she voted with her feet. Luckily my daughter has a group of friends from childhood, but not everyone has that, she knows she's fortunate. OP don't despair, life does change through the years. I do sympathise and know how lonely and isolated you can feel. Take care.

So this lot are just not as lovely, friendly, warm hearted is what I am saying

That's total bullshit though, isn't it? I am all of those things, but I don't cruise for new friends at the school gates, because well why would I? I'm there to drop off or pick up kids, not make your day better or chat with you because you've decided I'm supposed to for some bizarre reason (and then have decided I'm a snobby rude bitch if I don't!)

Thing is Paperback, if you are from a completely different town and don't know a soul, it can feel very lonely. My mum had a lovely group of other mums from my primary school(I attended school 60s-70s), that met one day a week for a morning coffee. Anyone could turn up and they'd be made welcome, because some Mums worked, it wasn't the same group all the time. There was perhaps a core inc my own Mum. Some of these friends my mum had lifelong. Again, she was fortunate and I know she really appreciated the friendship the women gave. I do appreciate life has changed, but surely a smile, hello, good morning doesn't go amiss. It can make anybody's day.

Giving this post far too much headspace!

Thinking back, none of the parents I now call good friends were met ON the playground. I either struck up a conversation at a child's party in reception (or actually, my husband did!) or I met them planning a summer fair. Or they are my kids' close friends' parents that I've made an effort with.

Lots of other pleasantries and some people I would go for a drink with once a year but, again from parties NOT the playground.

I think people have too much expectation of the playground where most people are rushed/ tired / wet and will do what's easiest - talk to their friends or nobody at all!

The drop off / pick up isn't really a social event.

And I was new to town too.

And the only reasons you'd get dirty looks would be if you were smoking around the playground, had parked very dangerously (real issue here but more likely someone might have told you) or were doing something unpleasant to your children.

@Gothichouse40

Thing is Paperback, if you are from a completely different town and don't know a soul, it can feel very lonely. My mum had a lovely group of other mums from my primary school(I attended school 60s-70s), that met one day a week for a morning coffee. Anyone could turn up and they'd be made welcome, because some Mums worked, it wasn't the same group all the time. There was perhaps a core inc my own Mum. Some of these friends my mum had lifelong. Again, she was fortunate and I know she really appreciated the friendship the women gave. I do appreciate life has changed, but surely a smile, hello, good morning doesn't go amiss. It can make anybody's day.

Well ok, but how would I know if you are new to town, or lonely? And even if I did, it's not bad of me to not make that something for me to fix.

A smile and a good morning, sure, if I even notice you are there (more likely I'm already thinking about work stuff by that stage and don't even see you) but that's not what people are asking for here.
There are endless people complaining that they are not being handed friendship by complete strangers just because they are standing in the same school yard. And calling others awful names for not doing so! It's such a bizarre attitude.

If you are new, or lonely, or want to make friends...join the PTA or volunteer, or join a local sports club or hobby group or whatever. And remember not to call all those women cliquey snobby bitches if they arent falling at your feet.
Possibly examine yourself and see if you being the type to call complete strangers bitches is a reason you're lonely in the first place?

I think this is maybe a regional thing or something which even varies between schools in the same area. So, not being friendly friendly with all the mums while the norm in our school and many others I'm sure, it would be considered rude in other places. I know one mum whose DC moved schools from the school my dcs are at was saying later how she felt a lot better about his new school for a number of reasons, but one of them was that the school parents were a lot more friendly and chatty at drop off. It never occurred to me that the parents not being chatty at drop off was a problem, but it was for her.

I've moved around a lot in my life and there are subtle differences everywhere and in almost every scenario. So I think we may arguing at cross purposes a bit here.

There are endless people complaining that they are not being handed friendship by complete strangers just because they are standing in the same school yard. And calling others awful names for not doing so! It's such a bizarre attitude.

Very much this. If you want to make friends and you are the newcomer, it's up to you to make the effort. Learn how to make small talk that people actually respond to, join the clubs, organise playdates, talk to other people standing by themselves. There is no teacher who will drag you to other kids and demand that they play with you.
If you have decided to stand there like a fence post, limit your effort to saying hi occasionally and expecting others to carry the conversation, or the weirdest one I've read on this thread, actively ignore everybody who is not making an actual effort to befriend you, then you have no right to call others bitches. They're just people who are probably perfectly friendly, just not personally responsible for your social life.

@G5000 yep. All that

I hope people don't teach their kids the same attitudes.

Yep. Friendship is a two-way street.

@G5000

There are endless people complaining that they are not being handed friendship by complete strangers just because they are standing in the same school yard. And calling others awful names for not doing so! It's such a bizarre attitude.

Very much this. If you want to make friends and you are the newcomer, it's up to you to make the effort. Learn how to make small talk that people actually respond to, join the clubs, organise playdates, talk to other people standing by themselves. There is no teacher who will drag you to other kids and demand that they play with you.
If you have decided to stand there like a fence post, limit your effort to saying hi occasionally and expecting others to carry the conversation, or the weirdest one I've read on this thread, actively ignore everybody who is not making an actual effort to befriend you, then you have no right to call others bitches. They're just people who are probably perfectly friendly, just not personally responsible for your social life.

Couldn't agree more. But the majority of posters are not for turning...