Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

@Ifailed I love your description of the difference between manners and etiquette.

Next time something winds me up, I'll try to stop and think. If it's bad manners, I'll continue to seethe but if it's just poor etiquette, I'll have a word with myself. 🙂

my dc have never forgotten their uncle tipping the plate into his mouth to drink the gravy

I don’t think it’s a nonsense to teach children to ask if they may (not can!) leave the table

When DS was little I taught him to say “Please may I have...” rather than “Please can I have...” as it just sounds more pleasant.

For about 3 years we got “Please may can I have...” 😂

Also, despite quite a lot of swearing that goes on in our house, if he gets frustrated he says “Oh my gosh” rather than OMG or FFS. He’s a decent lad but we certainly aren’t posh 😂

@alloverthecarpetagain

I am enjoying this thread immensely! I have a very posh elderly friend who is full of this sort of thing and it fascinates me. I used to work with him and when we had a work do once, where our department was hosting, he instructed us all 'FHB!' before our guests arrived, which I'd never heard before and had to ask to have explained (stands for Family Hold Back - in other words you allow guests to fill their plates first before you dive in yourself). I was amazed how others had heard that before and I hadn't.

FHB isn’t exclusively UC - Peter Kay has a bit about it in his material about wedding buffets. My sister and I will hiss at each other FHB, WE’RE NOT PIGS in any social situation with a buffet.

One that I think I probably got wrong when I was young and single was taking soft drinks to a party or dinner when I was driving. I probably should have taken wine anyway as a gift to my hosts but it seemed odd to take something that you wouldn't be able to drink. I always went for "nice" soft drinks, Aqua Libre was my favourite but never sure really if it was a gaffe.

My parents are rough (and nasty people to boot but that’s another thread). I was taught nothing.
Growing up the stand outs... I’d start my food as soon as it arrived, never offered anyone a drink, didn’t take gifts to people’s houses, never got up to say goodbye to people when they lefts. I was feral.
I had patient, lovely friends, and spent 10 years in the armed forces (with many many rules besides, don’t put the port down, EVER, for example!)
I think I’m a good guest/host now! I cringe how awful I was. My parents were also outrageously racist, which I thought was normal. But that’s also a different thread

What is 'double dipping'?

[quote IHaveBrilloHair]@Thewinterofdiscontent
Maybe they think they're holding it correctly?
Minding you HKLP is nothing when you watch Americans eating with cutlery.
I watch a lot of US food vlogs and just boggle, it looks so uncomfortable, it's not remotely efficient and I can't believe how each individual hasn't figured it out.[/quote]
Ha, my American friends think that my eating with knife and fork in hand looks barbaric and like I'm about to bang on the table like a caveman!

I probably wouldn't add salt or pepper to a meal if I was invited to a friend's house, even if I wanted to.
I'd feel I was being rude, but I think that's my anxiety showing, besides it wouldn't bother me to eat an underseasoned, for my taste, meal as a one off.

@HeddaGarbled

Don’t take all of the lovely runny end of the Brie/Camembert/other lovely runny cheese. Take a slice along the length so that other people can have a share of the best bit. I learned this after getting told off at a slightly posher than I was used to dinner party.

Ooo this happened to me too. Was told I'd taken all the nose. Who knew cheese had a nose!

Honestly society moves on. What was rude 100 years ago isn't necessarily rude now

Manners are about making others feel comfortable, things that are unpleasant for others like double dipping or not holding doors fine.

But honestly I'm not going to do things that are pointless to indicate class, if I want to hold my cutlery a certain way I will. If I want to spoon soup towards me I will, or if I prefer buttering my whole roll. Lifes too short to limit your enjoyment for some performance of class

I agree with a PP about the what thing, I cannot stand someone saying what to me. To me its abrasive and halts the flow of conversation. Pardon is a nicer word, why should we teach our children to say what? I am not upper class, my children will not be upper class, and there's nothing wrong with that. Let's begin the process of eradicating class by teaching all our children the much more gentle and widely recognised pardon. Surely the whole upper class saying what is because they don't need to be polite to others because their already at the top?

I also do not want loads of random half drunk bottles of other peoples alcohol. The clean up after a party is bad enough without dealing with opened bottles of alcohol. Take it home please. If I've invited you to my party I like you, you are my friend and I most definitely would not start gossiping about how rude you are with others. That would make me a dick

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

That dress is pink or grey!
It’s also quoted as being “suitable for mother of the bride” because that often has a certain look. ( Mine wore a fabulous hat and a denim skirt to mine).

Guests go in smart or posh and nothing that could detract from the bride.So no ball gowns, dresses in white or anything too long and floaty. Its just obvious surely?

To be honest I think people who follow etiquette of old look foolish these days.

Omg really @susiebluebell
All I see is stabbing large pieces of meat awkwardly with the fork, and then trying to cut it which never seems to work

The cutlery thing I didn't know until I was a teenager. My family had always just placed our knife and fork down where they landed when finished eating, usually at about 8:20 position. It wasn't until I started eating with friends when I was older that they all said it was really rude and they should be placed together!

I think it's fine to add salt to chips or eggs without tasting but main dishes not so much. I am aware that I'm an under-salter in cooking so I am prepared for people to do so - I was brought up not adding salt to the cooking water for veg, pasta, potatoes, rice and it just never occurs to me to do so now, they taste fine to me.

@Peregrina

The upper class barking "What" at me, sounds very rude. Not that I have many dealings with Upper class people!

My grandad used to say "now look here" which I always found very rude too.

I'm right handed but use my cutlery left handed- I've been told that's bad manners. I'm really conscious of it but I can't do it the other way round, it doesn't work!

The cook has under-salted, and you’re entirely correct to make the food more palatable

So it isn't rude to draw attention to the cook's mistake by adding salt?

But did you have patient friends or just friends? If I'm friends with someone I'm not going to sit around judging them for their etiquette

You don't need to cringe. You were fine. Its totally okay to get things wrong, its not the 1800s where we are entering society and your reputation is everything. We live in a world with hopefully a wide range of cultures and classes, everyone's rules are different, and I think most people accepted that many years ago

I was taught to add least use a person’s name when being introduced, even as a child. If we met a friend of my mum’s in the street I’d have to say “Hello Mrs Smith.”
Holding cutlery correctly was big as was the 6.30 position when finished eating. Also had to say “ That was very nice thank you. May I leave the table?”
Mum was working class of Irish immigrant parents. Always bend a door handle correctly to close a door quietly, was drilled into us.
No eating in the street, no eating between meals really anyway.
We were taught to push the soup spoon away from us too.
No feet in chairs, even our own at home.
Never start eating before the host/cook.
Never arrive at a party empty handed.
The hats inside thing, I presume was because removing one’s hat was a mark of respect when entering a church or someone’s house.
Oh and snakes slither, thin slices are slivers!

Now I knew about the nose, but I thought it was so it keeps it's wedge shape and looks better on the board. I didn't realise the nose was the best bit

*always not add least!

one of my bosses said to me, a very long time ago, about 30 years, Can i use the phone, I giggled and said I dont know, ie, he May use the phone, but i dont know if he has the ability!

When I was a child I was always told to pour salt from the salt pot on the side of the plate and not to sprinkle it over the food and use it as and when with my forkful of food.

Now I just sprinkle it liberally !