Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

[JackieTheFart]

I didn’t know double dipping was a thing until I was 22 and a room full of shocked Canadians told me off Mortified!

I’m not arsed about it around family but have brought up the kids to know that one!

It’s things like, having your knife and fork in the wrong hand is rude. Why?! What possible difference does it make to have them the opposite way to the ‘right’ way? Eating with your mouth open is disgusting visually and aurally, but I just don’t get the knife and fork one.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

The knife and fork one in the wrong hands is silly, but I'll admit to inwardly cringing when people don't use cutlery properly.
Dd used to tell me to shush when I'd watch CDWM, and yell, "knife like pen", at the TV.

[kindler]

I was told the soup rule is so you don’t accidentally spill it in your lap. But that could be nonsense.

[Whatsthescoop]

@Dogoodfeelgood

Can we please make smoking while walking something very impolite and frowned upon while we are at it?! That’s MUCH more offensive than eating in my opinion. So horrible getting stuck behind a smoker on the morning commute!

Yes, also add vaping

[IHaveBrilloHair]

That makes sense Kindler, but it is still daft.
It's quite easy to eat soup politely without following that rule.
I was also taught to never dip anything into the soup, and to break off a small piece of roll, butter it and eat it that way, never ever butter the whole thing.
When I say butter, you some of get some butter on your knife, and wipe it onto the small piece of roll, you don't butter it as if you were making toast.

Why the fuck do I know this shit?

[user1473878824]

Oh god HKLP (holds knife like pen) sets my teeth on edge. I had a boyfriend whose entire personality was about how posh he was - he was furious when I told him I realised on our first date he was northern, not in a bad way, just something about the way he said some things. Think red trousers and eBay tweed jackets at 23. He held his cutlery so badly I couldn’t bear to look at him when we ate. I’m not posh but am clearly a massive snob. My very working class mother drilled in no eating in the street and I still just won’t. I’m a smoker and totally agree with smoking in the street being vile.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

Ha, I'm northen, and still die inside at HKLP
I also also agree that smoking/vaping around other people is awful.
I'm not a snob at all, I just have good manners, and that's not a bad thing.
When my daughter was young it was often a case of heat or eat in our house, money was so tight, however it cost nothing to make sure she could hold and use cutlery correctly.

[user1473878824]

@IHaveBrilloHair oh I didn’t mean it like that! I meant he was FURIOUS I knew he was northern. Still utterly baffled.

[Toomanynotes]

More cultural, but I learned the hard way not long after moving there that sitting on tables in New Zealand is an absolute "no no".

[Sparklfairy]

No, no, the soup rule is simply because it was in Snow White!

[DPotter]

"Who's she, the cat's mother?"

It's a phrase said as a pull-up to those not using someone's name so it gets confusing as to who they are talking about. Bit of a catty way of doing so, much better to ask directly who is being spoken about

[Nandocushion]

I love 'how do you do', so much better than 'pleased to meet you' or similar, but now I live in the US it's funny how often people try to answer it directly and say things like "um, I do FINE, thanks".

Less about manners, but more about style, I was thrilled to learn at whatever point in my 30s probably that instead of saying "Wow, you've lost so much weight" it was far better to just say "you look fabulous". I wish a friend of mine would learn something similar about saying "Is that new?" every time they see me in or with something they've not seen before.

[TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]

I thought I was being polite by lifting one leg to break wind when seated, and saying "Better out than in" to ensure that the other people in the train compartment knew the source.
But I'm damned if I can find the topic in Debrett's now, so I may be wrong.

[OnASwankyMarleyPond]

Thank you notes - what a minefield. I knew you sent them after receiving presents eg birthdays and Christmas. Did NOT know you were supposed to send them after events till some of my posher acquaintances sent them a) after staying with us (so a card to thank us for hosting) and b) after we visited them (so a thank you for coming to see us card). God knows how many posh in laws I’ve inadvertently offended 😁 (at least 2 that I know of).

Also taking food gifts to day time meet ups. Knew about wine / chocs for dinner parties, but wasn’t till my quite posh NCT group that I realised nobody went anywhere in the day without taking cake / chocolates / biscuits. And the trend is still there for primary aged play dates - cue lots of frantic cupboard rooting at the last minute to find edibles that are ‘special’ enough for two mums to have a chat.

[mylaptopismylapdog]

I was taught to say very well thank you in response to how do you you do.

[HuntingoftheSnark]

@Fourstonesmash

So what is the correct response to how do you do??

I think the official response is "how do you do?" but I would say "I'm pleased to meet you". If anyone actually said it these days.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

I'd say, "pleased to meet you"
No idea what the correct answer is though, my parents were too busy teaching me about soup and roll buttering for that one!

[BarbaraofSeville]

Some of these are common sense consideration for others that shouldn't have to be taught and some are blind snobbery that affect absolutely no one so should die out.

Double dipping and taking the butter repeatedly, you're risking putting your saliva into communal food, so an obvious no no. Taking the best part of the brie is selfish, so bad manners.

How you hold your knife or eat your soup affects no-one so doesn't matter as long as you aren't throwing food around. Eating in the street, fine as long as you aren't dropping litter.

It is polite to wait until everyone has their food to start eating when it's a social occasion as you should be still joining in or listening to the conversation, but also others should tell you to begin if their food is taking ages to arrive while yours is going cold.

It's rude to expect people to join in rounds or split the bill evenly when they might have valid reasons to just buy their own, such as being on a small budget so can afford to go out if they limit what they have but not a share of someone else having three courses and lots of wine or loads of cocktails when you've just had a couple of halfs of lager.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

@Toomanynotes
Why?
I mixed with loads of Kiwis when I lived in Australia and never canes across that, though tbf I don't think much table sitting went in.

Another cultural one, in many parts of Asia you use your left hand as little as possible, as it's used for, erm toilet reasons.
You don't pass anything with your left hand, certainly don't touch food, or eat with it, or point with it etc.

[IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0]

@CheeseToastieLove

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

Isn't the taking /leaving bottles an age thing? When young / students we took our own bottles to parties and then took them home with us - no one had enough money to leave a half full bottle at someone else's!
Also, in Scotland it is still tradition at Hogmanay to go first-footing with your own bottle in your hand. You offer the host a drink, get as many as you want in return and take your own bottle with you when you move on to the next house.
What I find strange is that when you bring wine or chocolates to a host it is considered impolite for the host to open them up and share with other guests - they're supposed to be for the enjoyment of the host when the guests have gone (which maybe is a very good idea)!

[IHaveBrilloHair]

Oh god I used to know this absolute twonk who'd never open the wine the guests brought as he'd matched his perfectly to his food, and he'd tell them this.
He'd also only cook for people he thought would appreciate his food, and when bringing out the cheese, would tell a story about each one, then cut the guests a small piece each.
He also weighed out portions of each course.
He was such a wanker.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe.

I have never left my half full bottle of alcohol at a party, and I am not about to start. I don't care if its bad manners 🤣 my dp went to a Christmas work night and left nearly a whole bottle of vodka. I was horrified! I don't even drink vodka!

[mermaidsariel]

My father was working class so obsessed with teaching me manners . He failed to teach me to write thank you notes to hosts after a dinner party or a weekend visit. I only learned that late twenties. Also that it’s bad manners to help yourself to ‘seconds’ before others have finished eating . My husband is terrible at starting to eat before the host as well. His parents didn’t teach him manners, he was at boarding school most of the time where survival of the fittest was order of the day.
Agree that smoking and vaping in public places is disgusting. My pet hate though is spitting in the street. It’s absolutely vile.

[SavingsQuestions]

I used to do notes after dp or weekend visit but that was dying off for my age group with texting etc (and perhaps no longer mixing in such circles.) I now wouldnt but would always thank when I got home.