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Original poster

Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

999 replies

CheeseToastieLove · 14/05/2021 20:52

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

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Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 15/05/2021 08:42

You will NEVER convince me that saying what? Is polite.
It is so rude.

Say 'i'm sorry?'
Or " can you repeat that please?'
Or " sorry, what did you say? "

But barking ' what? ' at someone is RUDE no matter how U it may be.

MumofSpud · 15/05/2021 08:43

@IHaveBrilloHair

Omg the 6.30 position for the cutlery once finished. I inwardly cringe when people don't do this which is utterly ridiculous in the settings I'm in, it really doesn't matter. We also had to say, "thank you for the lovely meal, may we please leave the table", which was utter a nonsense and just a phrase we parroted. I never made Dd say any such thing I encouraged her to chat about the food and if she didn't like it, that was fine, though sometimes it transpired it was a particular veg on the plate, or the curry was a wee bit hot for her or whatever, so the meal could be repeated at a later date with a few tweaks. Parroting a stupid phrase was exactly that, stupid.
I also had to say "Thank you for the lovely meal, please can I get down now"

Agree that I just said it parrot fashion- whether the meal was lovely or not!

AbsolutelyPatsy · 15/05/2021 08:43

My ds latest GF used the cutlery the wrong way round, and I noticed and considered, was she left handed or just bad mannered?

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IHaveBrilloHair · 15/05/2021 08:44

@Benjispruce3
The door handle thing, yes!
I've never come across anyone before who grew up with that.
My Dad went on and on about it, it was was weird then, it's still weird now.
(He wasn't very nice to me when I was a teenager, nothing criminal, just pretty awful)

AbsolutelyPatsy · 15/05/2021 08:44

as a child our salt came with a spoon, in a little silver dish.

Tulipomania · 15/05/2021 08:46

When DS was little I taught him to say “Please may I have...” rather than “Please can I have...” as it just sounds more pleasant.

This is a matter of correct grammar not how it sounds. the two words have different meanings and should not be used interchangeably.

May implies that permission should be granted, can is a statement of ability.

Benjispruce3 · 15/05/2021 08:46

@twilightcafe double dipping is when you dip your carrot stick/bread into a dip, bite it, then dip again. It contaminates the dip with saliva. You can dip again with a fresh crudité.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 15/05/2021 08:47

i have just learnt about the door handle!

Benjispruce3 · 15/05/2021 08:48

@IHaveBrilloHair I think the door handle thing is good. The amount of people that just let doors slam and bang shut. It was all about not causing excessive noise and annoyance to others.

BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush · 15/05/2021 08:49

The answer to how do you do? is how do you do?

It bugs me when people don’t put their knife and fork together when they’ve finished, buttering the bread all over, double dipping, eating in the street...some of it is rational being bugged (double dipping...eurgh). The rest is just so ingrained from school and just snobbishness on my part.

I wonder about my step children, in their 20s, when they meet clients for dinner, as they don’t know any of this and are now in careers where they have to go out for nice dinners..

My dh who has traveled the world for work and does a lot of dinners and things is a bit slapdash himself and hasn’t passed how to do manners on...

Dentistlakes · 15/05/2021 08:49

That you shouldn’t butter your entire piece of bread or roll at once and but pieces off. You’re supposed to break bite sized pieces off, butter and then eat...apparently. Also I always used to fill wine glasses too full and you should always hold a white wine glass by the stem to avoid warming the wine. I think holding a red wine glass by the bowl is ok, although I could be wrong!

Standrewsschool · 15/05/2021 08:50

Lot of people, eat their meals on sofas if dont of their TVs, so I think it’s more relaxed regarding a lot of meal rules. However, we were also,taught many of the aforementioned (and am teaching dc)

Wait before everyone op has food/is sitting down before eating
Knife and fork on plate
Etc
(As a side note, we were brought up with all food on table in bowls and you serve from the table. I hate the fact that we serve in kitchen and bring plated food from to the table. Makes the meal less of an occasion)

MumofSpud · 15/05/2021 08:50

It was drummed into me 'no elbows on the table' so much that now as an adult I can't do this.
When I had my own DC I also told them this until one day my DH said it was ridiculous (he was right) but when my DD does it, I still feel as if it is bad manners!

Also I was brought up that it was bad manners to shout / talk loudly in our garden. Bearing in mind my childhood garden was huge so the neighbours wouldn't have been v affected - we had to whisper. It was like They Quiet Place'.

overnightangel · 15/05/2021 08:50

Thanks for the explanations, I’m learning a lot this morning Grin

EileenGC · 15/05/2021 08:51

The what vs pardon is interesting, I didn't know 'what' is commonly seen as upper class.

I'm in the 'don't bark what at me' camp, but I'm not British and saying what at someone is very rude in all the other languages I speak.

I remember working in Germany and we had a guest manager for a couple of weeks, from the UK, who was clearly used to saying 'what'. He spoke decent German so just translated the word and kept shouting 'WAS' at all of us when he couldn't understand something. The team was outraged, it's so impolite to say 'what' in German (or any wh- word for that matter). The proper reply to anything is 'bitte', the word for please. You say it for please, you're welcome, what, yes, no, and a whole variety of responses. The only correct response ever is bitte. When in doubt, you say bitte.

FunnyWonder · 15/05/2021 08:51

The worst display of bad manners is to make someone feel uncomfortable about some perceived faux pas. I realise we all like to have a few rules to keep things relatively civilised, but someone doing things a different way isn't the end of the world.

As long as you're not doing anything unhygienic like coughing into people's faces, who cares? I can't believe ANYONE would have to be told about double dipping though. It's all kinds of wrong.

ginghamtablecloths · 15/05/2021 08:51

On a blind date many years ago in a restaurant my date stood up when I returned to the table after a visit to the ladies. I smiled awkwardly and took my seat. No-one had ever done this before (or since) and I had no idea how to respond.

Aprilinspringtimeshower · 15/05/2021 08:52

@MindtheBelleek

Some of these aren’t ‘manners’ in any universal way, though, but more region-, -country- or social class-dependent. Like whether you say ‘What?’or ‘Pardon?’ if you don’t hear someone, or the number of kisses when greeting someone (which varies from one to four in different parts of Europe, and is strongly regional within France.)

I was definitely into my twenties by the time I figured out the appropriate response to ‘How do you do?’ It hadn’t been used a lot in my vicinity when younger.

Oh, the kisses🤣. I worked in Basel a lot- American, Switzerland, German and French colleagues in same offices. It was a minefield...🤣🤣🤣
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 15/05/2021 08:52

Why would it be 'bad mannered' to hold your fork and knife differently?! That makes no sense to me. Licking your knife, eating before others, talking while Eating, yes, but how you hold your knife and fork effects no one!

wellerhugs5 · 15/05/2021 08:53

We had a bbq several years ago and DHs friend came round the next evening to collect the 3 bottles of Becks that he'd left. We were utterly gobsmacked when he knocked on our door and explained why he was there!

DH was drinking one of the bottles when his friend arrived, so he actually left with 2 Hmm

Said friend is known for being tight as a ducks arse, so in hindsight we shouldn't have been as surprised as we were Grin

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/05/2021 08:54

@butterpuffed.
That's a weird one with the salt.
I have a salt pig, but I used the salt in it for cooking.
Now I use it for teabags as my idiot cat kept putting her paws in the salt in it!

Aprilinspringtimeshower · 15/05/2021 08:54

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

You will NEVER convince me that saying what? Is polite. It is so rude.

Say 'i'm sorry?'
Or " can you repeat that please?'
Or " sorry, what did you say? "

But barking ' what? ' at someone is RUDE no matter how U it may be.

Agreed.
AbsolutelyPatsy · 15/05/2021 08:55

if you are all sitting around the table and the person next to you is holding the knife and fork in the wrong hand, they might bump into your arms,
is what i was told

Benjispruce3 · 15/05/2021 08:55

@MumofSpud No elbows on the table! I had forgotten that. Also elbows to be kept low while eating, not at 90 degrees!

Dentistlakes · 15/05/2021 08:56

At my PIL house the men always stand when my MIL or any older female leaves the table. Not for the younger generation though. I thought it was a bit strange at first but I’m used to it now.

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