Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

@Grellbunt

There's hardly going to be confusion is there given that everyone knows me and who I am?

How does that work? Are you royalty? The groom didn’t even know lots of people at our wedding.

I didn't know about the not pulling out into funeral procession thing until I did it and got abuse.

How does that work? Are you royalty? The groom didn’t even know lots of people at our wedding.

Hopefully he did know the bride, and didn't just go for the nearest person wearing white 😂.

Well it was our friends and family in a country hotel we had booked out so no, there wasn't anyone there that I hadn't met before the big day. Is that so unusual? Is the real reason for this tradition really to avoid confusion? I must look it up.

@Grellbunt

Well it was our friends and family in a country hotel we had booked out so no, there wasn't anyone there that I hadn't met before the big day. Is that so unusual? Is the real reason for this tradition really to avoid confusion? I must look it up.

I think that is unusual to have met every single person - maybe it depends the wedding size. Have you met your DH’s great-aunt Hilda? Or his work colleagues?

Sorry. I think I lost the thread there.

We had a dinner the night before for people to refresh memories! Was a fab weekend actually. I wouldn't have liked having people there that I didn't know.

Anyway I have consulted the oracle, Debretts, no less, and there is no mention of confusion. Likewise theknot and various other wedding websites...

@IntoAir

that sitting on tables in New Zealand is an absolute "no no".

I learnt that from some Maori women - it’s a respect thing for the table as a clean place of eating and sharing food. So you don’t plonk your bottom on it, or your shoes.

i would have thought that was pretty standard the world over.

@Pumpkinstace

I didn't know about the not pulling out into funeral procession thing until I did it and got abuse.

Did you even need to "know"? Shouldn't a bit of respect be common sense?

I read that some posters didn't "know" that they were expected to reply to an invitation, and that the request for RSVP meant to only reply if they were going/ or not going.

I also read that posters find it perfectly polite to take off their shoes, and put their feet on somebody's sofa . Better not keep your shoes to that but still!

@Starling85

If you have pate and toast for a starter you don't put the pate all over the toast in one go, you add it as you eat it.

I wish more people knew it was rude to pick your teeth... I have a colleague who has a packet of Walkers crisps every day, and every day she picks her teeth, looks at it, then eats it. Really slowly and deliberately. It's absolutely vile. We hot desk and the thought of her and me sharing a keyboard makes me want to throw up 🤢

@Starling85 oh I feel for you, it’s the looking at it and eating it that really sounds gross. I think you need to request an ergonomic keyboard ostensibly to fend off RSI then keep it with you wherever you go so your crisp eating colleague can’t use it.

No one taught me about the funeral procession thing, but I'd never do it, and never have done, surely that one is just basic manners?

Were you wearing a traditional bridal gown? Because if so, there is no risk of confusion is there?

It’s not about confusion. It’s about the white dress only being the brides prerogative.
I guess a few hundred years ago when white dresses weren’t bridal . It would have been ok. It’s considered rude now.

@SavingsQuestions

But double dipping isn't "obvious" if you've not heard the rule. As many on here have posted! Not licking, but biting a breadstick/dorito and putting it back was quite normal with friends when I was young and was ages before I realised.

well, no wonder the govt had to tell us all to wash our hands, not cough on people etc, if that was not obvious to you. it is unthinkable to me and everyone i know, from whatever background.

@SpacePug

I didn't know it was rude to lick the knife. It was pointed out when I had my first proper job in an office with a group of posh people, I was a student. During lunch one day one of the women said "and you NEVER lick the knife, that is bad manners" to the whole table and I was sat there silently thinking 'Oh god, was that me? I think I might have, but can't remember?! '

but wouldn't your mother, or father, have told you never put a knife in your mouth, just for safety, if nothing else ?

I was brought up to think you used ‘pardon’ and that ‘what’ was rude. Similarly, always preferred toilet to loo, which sounds like a slang word to me.

Never knew the white wedding dress rule, and nearly wore a floral white dress to a wedding reception once. However, I think it does depend on the style of dress. A floral one would be fine, a plainer or maxi dress not so fine.

@ComtesseDeSpair

”In Nancy Mitford parlance, saying 'toilet' is non-U. 'Lavatory' is the correct way to refer to it, and loo would be better than 'toilet'.”

I’ve never understood why “loo” is more correct than “toilet”. It’s always said that toilet is undesirable because anything involving a word with Francophone connotations is generally a bit of an aspirational working class affectation; but on this rationale, “loo” doesn’t make sense - it derives from the French “guardez l'eau” so how is it less affected and working class (apparently) than toilet?

i thought it came from Waterloo, as it's in a water closet, WC.

@NewMatress

I've always said pudding because my mum is from the north, nothing to do with being posh. I was ridiculed for it when we moved South. Everyone says dessert here and pudding (aparently) sounds common. To my ears dessert still sounds affected though.

i think originally they were two separate courses. pudding was something substantial, like spotted dick or bead n butter pudding. then it might be followed by dessert, which was uncooked fruit and nuts, and maybe light wine, eg elderflower. when i grew up, if there was anything further to eat after dinner, it was universally referred to as afters.

“ i thought it came from Waterloo, as it's in a water closet, WC.”
Yes, I think I prefer that theory.

Didn’t realise in the UK if you were invited out to a restaurant you paid.
Was invited to dinner by a friend whose birthday it was, I just realised payment was a bit awkward, it’s months later I realised you paid for your stuff even if someone else invited you out.

@olu123
Actually this is one of those pieces of etiquette that isn't followed by the majority...The person who invites others to a restaurant pays the bill. I believe its still done among the very wealthy and obviously if one is hosting an event at a restaurant then one would expect to foot the bill. But casual dinner among friends? No.

Expectations may be slightly different on dates, of course.

I think most people make it really clear if they organise a meet-up or get together in a restaurant, and each pay their own bill,

or if they invite you, and of course they pay.

@Puttingouthefirewithgasoline

Getting, my pal had a dad a little like that, trying to see how clever or otherwise we were. Awful man he made no other attempts at kindness.

It's also incredibly bad manners to put one's carpet above one's guests

I'd never dream of asking people, esp the elderly or infirm to take their shoes off!
Apparently it's very common and my own infirm df was asked to take his off once.

It's polite to put the guest first and make sure your carpet can withstand a clean shoe, and not live a life devoted to a carpet.

hear, hear. it was unheard of when i was young, to take your shoes off in someone else's house. far too intimate. talk about getting your feet under the table, ie taking over the place, behaving as if you own it/live there. and is this why so many, esp younger people, don't wipe their feet on the doormat. that i find rude, inconsiderate, to just waltz straight in. my test: would you do or say it to or in front of, the queen.

The removing shoes = common and being overly concerned for the carpet thing is, I think, far less clear cut now that the UK is a very multicultural society. It’s very much expected in some cultures, particularly those where it’s traditional to sit on the floor, use the floor for prayer, or where the living room also becomes a sleeping space by rolling out a mat. Manners and etiquette change, and things like this is the reason.

Or, some of us live in parts of the UK where wet and mud is the default, and no amount of wiping feet on the door mat will make shoes clean enough to walk on a nice carpet. And because it is cold and damp for most of the year hard floors just make the house feel colder, so many houses have carpet in rooms that aren't kitchens, toilets and bathrooms.

Having said that, I never ask people to remove their shoes. It is the default where I live. People just do it automatically.