Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

Atalune, me too.
I don’t understand those people saying they were taught to say it back ,like an echo.

SarahandQuack Re small talk, me too. My mum was very chatty with her own friends and family, she is quite a loud out-there kind of person, but she just doesn't "do" polite social small talk with people that well.

She isn't great on judging things like topics to avoid, not getting too heavy, not monopolising one person in a corner rather than moving on, and timing, as in how long to spend on a subject before it becomes boring. Also she doesn't do the "Hi, how are you?" at the start of phone either. I remember how amazed she was that a particular friend of hers and friend's husband always started the conversation asking each other how they were. This was very fancy according to my mum

I'm baffled by the holding a knife like a pen thing - surely it makes it more difficult to use the knife? Unless I hold pens really weirdly.

I can’t tell you how endearing and pleasant it is to ask a friends child.

How are you Freddie? And for them to reply- really well, thanks how are you? And then we often have a small exchange of small talk. From a hulking 15 year old boy. It’s very charming.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I think 'how do you do' is a greeting and means hello rather than how are you, and therefore it make sense to repeat it back.

My grandad would say a northern 'ow doo' which was a greeting and you would respond with hello rather than fine thanks.

@SunsetBeetch
I'm baffled by the holding a knife like a pen thing - surely it makes it more difficult to use the knife? Unless I hold pens really weirdly

Yes, agreed. If you hold the knife correctly with the handle concealed in the palm of the hand and your forefinger extended along the top you have much more strength in the cutting action.

@CopperPetal - that sounds familiar! It wasn't until I met my ex-husband (who was and is a very lovely, polite man in a lot of ways) that I realised how very nice it was to have someone who always checked how you were.

@atalune - YY, teenagers with polite manners get so much credit for them! I teach 18-21 year olds and it's really noticeable which ones have been taught good manners (and conversational poise, which is a bit different). I always feel really bad for the ones who haven't, because it's not their fault!

"Elbows In" when eating your meal.

I don't think this is taught now, the amount of times I've gone out for a meal and sat beside someone who's elbow are out and digging into me.

So freakin' rude!

@Donitta

Is it still a thing to say “bless you” when someone sneezes? I’m an atheist and would feel uncomfortable saying it, or having it said to me for that matter.

I've taught my son to say "waes hale" - the old english equivalent of gesundheit, and where the word Wassail comes from.

He appears to say it almost un-self-consciously now (he's 21) which is a lot more than I manage!

We used to ask if we could "get down" after meals. "Thank you for my very nice tea please may I get down". Used to find it very odd when friends asked to leave the table

The can/may thing pisses me off. People are so gleefully patronising about it - and it never occurs to any of them that if we're going to get all literal about "can" being a question of ability, then "may" is a question of likelihood so no more appropriate to the context.

I've never encountered the 6:30 cutlery thing: it seems slightly weird. I think I put mine at 4:20.

Never heard of the slicing cheese problem either. Surely the knives should be much longer then?

The can/may thing pisses me off. People are so gleefully patronising about it - and it never occurs to any of them that if we're going to get all literal about "can" being a question of ability, then "may" is a question of likelihood so no more appropriate to the context.

I agree with you people can be daft about it, but may isn't a question of likelihood in this context. It's a request, asking permission.

@Toomanynotes
“More cultural, but I learned the hard way not long after moving there that sitting on tables in New Zealand is an absolute "no no".”

Haha yup you’re right there! Kiwi children are taught from early childhood education not to sit on tables, benches or any other food prep/eating surfaces. And always remove shoes before entering a home (something I automatically do in the UK and my British husband now does in NZ). My Maori nana would flip out if a hair brush was anywhere near the kitchen, absolutely unacceptable so hair-brushing only in the bedroom or bathroom! This is Maori culture though, not necessarily pakeha

It has been transported and subjected to different temperatures... It should rest

All of 20 yards from across the road
Seriously though, our friends are as into wine as we are so, fortunately they don’t bring cheap and nasty wine to our house. The BIL of one of our friends owns a wine business so they always bring decent wine as well.

How do people who hold their knife like a pen cut steak or tougher pieces of meat?

Don't hold your knife as a pen, but like this. Oh and don't eat tough meat .

This thread reminds me of the time my DB came on holiday to France with us. We ate out one night at quite a posh restaurant, I can still remember the look on the waiter's face when DB started collecting everyone's plate into a pile to hand to him. I did remind him that he wasn't in his work's canteen As to holding his cutlery correctly, placing them on the plate, leaving his napkin to the left...I'll leave to your imagination

That was very rude of you, @Oblahdeeoblahdoe. At least your DB was trying to be polite and helpful to the waiter - I'm sure he's not the only person who's ever done that.

I still want to know in what culture it is ok to sit on a table? It's just not something I've ever come across so I'm a bit baffled that people have to be corrected/taught NOT to do it?

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea

I still want to know in what culture it is ok to sit on a table? It's just not something I've ever come across so I'm a bit baffled that people have to be corrected/taught NOT to do it?

Isn't it pretty obvious it depends what furniture is used in your culture?

In the cold bits of China it used to be traditional to have a sort of platform called a kang that was both the bed at night time and also a space where you could sit and eat during the day; in that context you certainly sit on your table because it is a multi-use space. (There would be a stove heating the whole platform so you conserve heat very efficiently.)

There are loads of places where the distinction between a bench for sitting on and a bench/table for serving on is pretty fluid.

As long as people are hygienic in themselves, it's clearly not a problem?

@DandelionRose

A teacher once told me off sternly for not saying "Excuse me" after sneezing.

Also when teenage I used to constantly sniff rather than bother getting a tissue to blow into. Couldn't see that it was rude, but it is rude making others listen.

See I was told off (private school) for blowing my nose in lessons. You know when your nose runs so much you just can't not blow it. I'm still none the wiser as to what I should have done 🤷🏾‍♀️

@SarahAndQuack

That was very rude of you, *@Oblahdeeoblahdoe*. At least your DB was trying to be polite and helpful to the waiter - I'm sure he's not the only person who's ever done that.

Yes, he's a lovely bloke

SarahandQuack when I was at uni, I stayed with a friend at their parents' house. I was brought up with good table manners and to be polite and considerate, but I was paralysed with fright at the sit-down family dinners. They were lofty, intellectual discussions and in-house jokes which I would (like to think I would!) absolutely ace now and, more than that, enjoy (or at least look like I was enjoying ) but although I had dinner round the table with my family growing up, we didn't do the small talk sort of thing. Our table conversation growing up focussed on practical matters, admonishments for tasks not done and basic matters. It was over and done as soon as we'd eaten and we didn't do much laughing and chatting or conversations. My parents (mum in particular) were quite dictatorial and they weren't about to ask or encourage our opinions on any wider matters of interest.

I hadn't realised I was lacking in holding my own personally as I had been brought up to just focus on table manners rather than social skills so I had no natural ease of conversation and felt self-conscious being centre of attention for simply offering a remark or contribution, no matter how inoffensive. My DCs are already a lot more confident than I was at their age, but I really try to encourage that type of chat around the table with them as I know that social skill is really useful.

I still want to know why it is poor manners to cut a bread roll in half and butter it. I just can't see anything rude in this.

@CopperPetal

SarahandQuack when I was at uni, I stayed with a friend at their parents' house. I was brought up with good table manners and to be polite and considerate, but I was paralysed with fright at the sit-down family dinners. They were lofty, intellectual discussions and in-house jokes which I would (like to think I would!) absolutely ace now and, more than that, enjoy (or at least look like I was enjoying ) but although I had dinner round the table with my family growing up, we didn't do the small talk sort of thing. Our table conversation growing up focussed on practical matters, admonishments for tasks not done and basic matters. It was over and done as soon as we'd eaten and we didn't do much laughing and chatting or conversations. My parents (mum in particular) were quite dictatorial and they weren't about to ask or encourage our opinions on any wider matters of interest.

I hadn't realised I was lacking in holding my own personally as I had been brought up to just focus on table manners rather than social skills so I had no natural ease of conversation and felt self-conscious being centre of attention for simply offering a remark or contribution, no matter how inoffensive. My DCs are already a lot more confident than I was at their age, but I really try to encourage that type of chat around the table with them as I know that social skill is really useful.

Ah, see, my parents would talk at dinner and did go in for 'intellectual' conversation with us children, but it was incredibly argumentative.. We did have long chats sometimes, but I had never learned to have a discussion where you politely conceded someone else's point

The first time I brought my ex-H to meet my family (and we were all of 23 and 21, I think), he was very polite but at some point just cheerfully said 'oh, I am sure I'm wrong then, Mr [SarahAndQuack'sName], but this lamb is delicious, may I ask what your recipe is?.' I am not kidding, it was a watershed moment for me you could just say 'I'm wrong' and move on to another subject.

For ages I found it really hard to understand that, in small talk, you don't have to respond scrupulously honestly and in detail to every question.

Come to think, I was well into my teens before I realised that when people say 'how are you' they really don't want to know. I'd just literally never seen my parents have that social interaction.

I didn't realise well in to my 30s that when you take a bottle to a party, you don't drink that bottle. Rather, it's a gift for the host and you drink theirs

Oh and the peas squashed on the back of the fork

@IHaveBrilloHair

I was taught all of these things, Im glad I know should I ever need to but lots are fairly ridiculous. Eating soup by spooning it from the far side of the bowl, and towards the edge? Why exactly?

So you don’t accidentally tip it into your own lap if you misjudge the edge of the bowl, basically.

Why tipping it onto the tablecloth is seen as politer, I am not sure.