Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

[quote RampantIvy]@Giantrooster all of our friends and family have good table manners, so when I say informal it is more about drinking the wine that guests bring rather than licking your knife or putting elbows on the table.[/quote]

But, but wine gifted on the occasion should never ever be served the same evening. It has been transported and subjected to different temperatures... It should rest .

(Let alone you should have sorted the wine, not exposing your friends if they perhaps have bought cheap stuff )

I had the 6.30 cutlery thing drilled into me too. DH does this odd thing where he puts the fork the right way up then places the knife with blade between the tines of the fork so it is on its edge, it drives me mad and really it doesn't matter a jot.

I read this about 10 minutes ago and I'm still annoyed thinking about that cutlery set up.

Is it still a thing to say “bless you” when someone sneezes? I’m an atheist and would feel uncomfortable saying it, or having it said to me for that matter.

@Getoffmyhat

I just had to google how to hold my knife correctly and I still can't see the problem with HKLP (which means I must be doing it wrong!) happy to be enlightened!

Growing up, I didn't realise it was considered rude to eat before everyone had their food served. My DM grew up in poverty and they were encouraged to eat a hot meal as soon as it was in front of them as it might be the only hot thing they have that day (cold area, no heating etc).

Obviously holding your knife and fork differently doesn’t really affect anyone but it’s like anything that doesn’t follow norms, be distracting.

The knife and fork looks a bit unstable held incorrectly and I can’t see how you can hold the fork and put your food on the back rather than shovelling it in.

South Africans like eating with fingers ( sure other cultures do to). It’s really off putting when my dad does. It doesn’t directly affect anything I’m eating but I find it unpleasant. Fine to do it at home but not out with others.

Isn't not double dipping just common sense?Why would anyone want to eat someone else's saliva? Grim.

I think not eating in the street is a bit old fashioned.

I didn't learn the waiting until everyone has their meal until staring to eat until my early 20's 🥺

I forget who said it, but ‘I beg your pardon,’ was certainly not archaic when I was growing up with parents who were very hot on manners. It certainly wasn’t shunned on account of being a euphemism for an outraged, ‘What did you say?’

It was what we were told to say. ‘Pardon’ still makes me wince a bit, so I often winced a lot when a dd picked it up from school, along with, ‘dessert’ which she’d been told was more polite than ‘pudding’. I was just grateful that she didn’t also pick up ‘lounge’ and ‘toilet’. Attitudes driven into you almost from the time you started talking die very hard.

And I still wince internally at ‘garridge’.

As for embarrassing anyone at the dinner table, because of wrongly cutting the Brie or anything else, that is surely the height of bad manners. I seem to remember the story of some Very Important Personage, IIRC royalty, who picked up his finger bowl and drank from it, having seen a guest (Thomas Lipton?) do the same, in order not to cause him embarrassment.

Getoffmyhat when you are not holding it like a pen, the end of the knife is tucked into the palm of your hand and not visible. This is the way my mother taught me how to use cutlery - the ends of your knife and fork should not be visible. I think this is easier for children to understand than the pen thing. It also helps them know how far down to grip them ie not too near the blade/tines

@Giantrooster Im sure your stories are just as entertaining, and eating slower I think is much more favourable to the digestion

I think the fhlp is much more to do with etiquette than manners though, unlike elbows sticking out which will cause others offence

Things that I have learned in more recent years....

If you’re sending out a party invite then the card stick should be stiff enough to balance a drink on.

If you’d like something passed to you at the table you should offer is to your neighbour. “Would you like the pepper” and then the will offer it back to you.

Never eat a lady with her back to the majority of the restaurant.
The female should have the better seat at n the establishments table.

Why is is it 'better'? It's a value judgement on people's worth/culture. It's not better to be upper class/middle class, it's just different

Hollyhocks It’s not ‘better’ to say ‘what’ or ‘pardon’ - it’s up to the individual.
However you said in your post that you thought ‘what’ was rude so you are being judgemental.

My post is so full of typos I have made myself laugh!!!

Eat a lady!! SEAT a lady.

I haven't yet RTFT so apologies if this has already been discussed, but I'm intrigued to know if anyone has experienced the reverse situation: being brought up to believe that something was bad manners when in fact it is not.

As a child I was always told that if I was offered a plate of cakes or biscuits, I must always take the plainest one in the selection - to choose a fancy one in preference to a plain one was "the height of bad manners". It wasn't until decades later that I learned that the correct thing to do is take the one nearest to me.

using the phrases 'common' or 'working class' as a derogatory term towards people. Tbf same with any class distinction meant to demean

xtraincome then I hope you include ‘posh’ used to sneer at people.

I am sometimes confused about whether the host should help themselves first - to show the guest how much to take as a portion
or whether to serve them, but then not I do not know how much they would like,
or whether to ask them to help themselves - in which case they may take too little (or too much!).

I am sometimes infuriated when I am busy cooking the final dish and I ask people to start serving themselves and they politely wait for me so it is getting cold, grrrrrr.

I was taught to say very well thank you in response to how do you you do.

What are you supposed to reply?

How do you do is the reply

@FleecyTeeth

I was taught to say very well thank you in response to how do you you do.

What are you supposed to reply?

You say it back to them and add 'I'm very well, thank you' even if your leg is falling off 🤣 Why are people saying that having manners and knowing how to behave is posh and snobby? That's ridiculous

I was brought up to only say How do you do to people I didn't know, or had just been introduced to, and that's the only time anyone has said to me.

So it goes:

"How do you do"
"Lockdownalli - How do you do."

@CheeseToastieLove

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

I'm going to read the whole thread, but OMG, my in-laws always start eating immediately they get their food and it drives me nuts. They see absolutely no issue if they then get to have seconds and no one else does, too. I find it so rude.

@Atalune

How do you do is the reply

Thank you.

What's the 'correct' reply to 'how are you?' e.g. you bump into school mum / colleague / fellow gym member you don't know very well.

Is it 'fine thank you how are you'? Or 'how are you'?

The first reply is perfect @FleecyTeeth, you answered their question politely and enquired after them

We were taught to never shout outside and to scream only in an emergency. Going by the noise coming from our local park on summer evenings, I'm fairly sure nobody bothers with this now.

@lockdownalli

I was brought up to only say How do you do to people I didn't know, or had just been introduced to, and that's the only time anyone has said to me.

So it goes:

"How do you do"
"Lockdownalli - How do you do."

I'm confused now - you're saying your own name?

@FleecyTeeth

I was told and say

Very well thank you, and how are you?

I agree with the point about manners being what makes people feel comfortable and etiquette being snobbery (though it doesn't stop me feeling faintly uncomfortable that DP teaches DD to say 'pardon' and to eat with her knife and fork in the opposite hands). My mum was picky about mealtime etiquette so I do the things you're meant to do - and you are not meant to smush the peas on the back of your fork! It goes back to when forks were much flatter, and you just balanced them. I have my granny's old cutlery, and it is easier with those than with a more modern curved fork.

The 'bless you' after sneezing thing - I was taught (and this is both snobby and anti-Catholic) that you don't say it precisely because it's superstitious. DP finds it rude not to say it, so these days I do say it.

@Gwenhwyfar, surely blowing on food is rude because unhygienic? You're huffing out aerosolised spittle in proximity to other people's food.

The one I wish my parents had taught me is the politeness of small talk. I had a good friend and would ring him up for a chat in the evenings when we were teenagers, and when his mum answered I'd say 'hello, is Greg there?' rather than introducing myself or asking how she was - I cringe now! But it was what my parents did. And I was well into my 20s before I realised people respond a whole lot better to your letter/ email if it bothers to include things like 'Hope you are well' or 'Hope you have a nice weekend' rather than simply stating your demands.