Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

You stand at your place behind your chair and everyone sits at the same time.

This only works if the staff have been told when people aren’t coming and remove the settings. We once all stood round a table long after everyone else was seated because one couple hadn’t turned up.

My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s

I went to a work "do" some years ago where I had a "hot" starter (soup) and most people had a cold one. The caterers brought the soup round first and took ages to bring the cold starters out. By the time I was "allowed" to start, the soup was cold. Nowadays I'd just say "I am starting my soup before it gets cold" and ignore any raised eyebrows.

@queenMab99

We were taught strict 'hygene' manners,as my parents were born in the 1920s, and had family who died of TB and other infectious illnesses before antibiotics, so would never have double dipped, also washing hands regularly and never sharing cutlery or cups and glasses, even within the family. When covid appeared and all the advice was publicised, my sisters and I were struck by this. I still cringe when I see mothers sucking dummies to 'clean' them after they have been on the floor. Other peoples spit was like poison to us! I think a lot of manners can be traced back to historical practical reasons, and wonder if covid will cause any new ones?

These hygene practices really werent common of the 20s though they became widespread in the early 50s as the result of the WW2 increase on chicken consumption and the corrisponding salmonella boom.

[quote Brokenpencilsarepointless]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

It may have filtered down due to commonly being "the way it's done" but it isn't actually bad manners to start. It depends entirely on the branch of "posh" you're talking about. It's the same as pardon and what. A lot of well to do people say pardon. We say what because it's the correct word to use, and some people see it as rude.[/quote]
My point is that it is now bad manners just to start eating, if you're in a domestic setting where the food is being served by the host/hostess.

It's not bad manners at a grand dinner, with servants waiting on you.

You're not supposed to wear a green dress to a wedding either. Green = jealousy apparently

Oh dear both my mum and MIL wore green to my wedding!

@AbsolutelyPatsy

my dc have never forgotten their uncle tipping the plate into his mouth to drink the gravy

At least my DH gets up and fetches a mug to fill with the remaining gravy after Sunday lunch, I suppose 🙈

@memberofthewedding

I could never get my head around this "rounds" in a pub custom and have always bought my own. You are drinking coke and buying expensive drinks for others. How is that fair?

I also found that if you socialise alone with couples you get cheated. So if you are out with two couples it should be your turn every 5th round. Instead it comes around every third because the wives rarely put their hands in their pockets.

When I pointed out such things people used to say I was "tight" but I just preferred to go to the bar and get my own drinks. Fortunately I have never cared overmuch what other people thought of me, and in my 70s I care even less.

Oh my god I hate rounds! I don't drink (can't due to meds) so when I go out with my partner two cokes will always last me the night. A few of our mates have called me out for 'not standing my round' but DP always says it's fine, she's not drinking, and he always gets me my cokes as part of HIS round. Yet some people genuinely expect me to buy 6 people an alcoholic drink when I'm getting zero back in return.

I think the green dress thing is more to do with green traditionally being unlucky. It's associated with the fairies and you're not supposed to piss them off by using it. That's a very old superstition though - I wouldn't have thought many people know about it these days.

Nowadays I'd just say "I am starting my soup before it gets cold" and ignore any raised eyebrows.

I always encourage people in this situation to start and not wait for me. That's just consideration and good manners and hopefully you'd be with people who would say the same thing to you first. If you've waited for a sufficient amount of time and no-one has said this to you, then by all means start.

But I think I would have asked if anyone minded, rather than just telling them that I am doing it.

@IntoAir

it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s

Good lord!

How could people not know how rude both those things are?

Not because of a textbook of manners, but because they’re both inconsiderate and greedy actions, in which the person shows lack of consideration or thought for others.

I think it's more inconsiderate to expect people to eat cold food (also not very respectful to the chef).

I didn't know it was rude to lick the knife. It was pointed out when I had my first proper job in an office with a group of posh people, I was a student. During lunch one day one of the women said "and you NEVER lick the knife, that is bad manners" to the whole table and I was sat there silently thinking 'Oh god, was that me? I think I might have, but can't remember?! '

@MumofSpud

It was drummed into me 'no elbows on the table' so much that now as an adult I can't do this. When I had my own DC I also told them this until one day my DH said it was ridiculous (he was right) but when my DD does it, I still feel as if it is bad manners!

Also I was brought up that it was bad manners to shout / talk loudly in our garden. Bearing in mind my childhood garden was huge so the neighbours wouldn't have been v affected - we had to whisper. It was like They Quiet Place'.

If someone put their elbows on the table, my grandfather used to remind us that 'joints on the table are meant to be carved'.

But I think I would have asked if anyone minded, rather than just telling them that I am doing it

Probably depends how long I've been waiting, and how cross I am feeling that nobody has had the gumption to say "oh do start Hulahoop, don't let it get cold".

No, because I'm over 60 and manners (and etiquette) were drummed into me from birth. It's tragic that it doesn't happen any more. 'Manners cost nothing' is very true.
That means it's your generation that isn't teaching the manners.

How can it not be obvious not to double dip? It's been in your mouth. It's not some pointless rule about the angle of cutlery on your plate.

I'm as uncouth as they come but even I instinctively know not to do that.

Linda that's fair enough but I think in those situations it's best to just tell people upfront that you won't be buying or accepting any drinks and you (or your DH) will buy what you need. Otherwise you could end up with six cokes you didn't ask for as people just get a round in the for the whole table without asking, then end up feeling a bit hard done by when it's not reciprocated.

I was in a religious group where, when we were on a retreat weekend or week, at our evening meal, the table was set with various dishes, we did not help our selves but had to ask the person next to us what they wanted and serve them. It seemed a little longwinded at first, as you had to keep your eye on them to make sure they had what they needed, but it was a wonderful exercise in looking to the needs of others, and one soon learned who not to sit next to! The ploy of asking them if they wanted, for example the salt, as has been mentioned previously, was a good way of getting their attention.

@Dutchesss

No, because I'm over 60 and manners (and etiquette) were drummed into me from birth. It's tragic that it doesn't happen any more. 'Manners cost nothing' is very true. That means it's your generation that isn't teaching the manners.

Or more likely some people of each generation - plenty of people do still teach their children good manners now.

H is from a military family and was also in the forces and instead of pardon they/he says ‘say again?’ in a quizzical way, which apparently was/is what is used.

Same here. Often, for effect an “over” is added at the end. It comes from radio comms where more precise command is required. What or pardon can be misinterpreted but say again is obvious.

I think the correct response to "how do you do?" is to repeat it back isn't it?

So I suppose in today's parlance one should now say "Backatcha"

"Nowadays I'd just say "I am starting my soup before it gets cold" and ignore any raised eyebrows."

Lol. Just say "Do you mind if I start?" and then nobody will dare say no, but it will feel more polite.

In our village, “Ow doo” is often used as a greeting. I love it- I just say hello back, with a big smile!

Not that I didn't know about it, but saying 'bless you' after someone sneezes wasn't a thing in my family growing up so I don't always do it automatically now.

DP often just stares pointedly at me after he's sneezed until I catch on (because it's become a joke now, not because he's being mean about it).

That means it's your generation that isn't teaching the manners.

I make this point a lot. When people say our generation aren’t raising our children properly, I remind them they raised us, so any failure is in them too. 😄

@BarbaraofSeville

How can it not be obvious not to double dip? It's been in your mouth. It's not some pointless rule about the angle of cutlery on your plate.

I'm as uncouth as they come but even I instinctively know not to do that.

Loads of people do it. It's not instinctive. It's the same issue with any shared food that you eat with your hands isn't it eg peanuts in a pub, you bring them to your mouth with your fingers and then put your fingers back in the pot...

It's also pretty common for a group of friends to share a bottle of drink...