Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

In younger days I didn't realise you had to reply to wedding invitations directly to the brides parents. I was invited to one by a work colleague, told him I could go and assumed that was OK.

I was also never told as a child to say 'your welcome ' after saying thank you. But to me it sounds over mannered especially in kids.

The whole feet inside shopping trolley fear. Most trolleys are stores outside and filthy, covered in bird poop, pollen, other peoples grime etc. I very much doubt a toddlers shoe is any worse.

Most of my manners were learned in my late teens and 20s from socialising with people outside my family. I vividly recall being told off for cutting the nose off the cheese at a party. And for asking the waiter what desserts they had while other people were still finishing main courses. I didn’t know that you wait till everyone is served before starting to eat, because our meals were always plated in the kitchen and eaten on our laps in front of the tv. In my 20s I had a lovely boyfriend who insisted that ladies should walk on the inside of the pavement and gentlemen on the outside, and on the stairs the gentleman should walk behind the lady on the way up and in front of her on the way down, so he can catch her if she falls.

My biggest bugbear however is people who blow their noses at the dining table. It’s incredibly rude to expel bodily fluids in front of people while they’re eating. The polite approach is to go to the loo to blow your nose.

I quite understand “May I leave the table?” but “May I get down from the table?” sounds to me like you are actually standing on the table. I’ve never heard this before. Not a criticism - a genuine interest as to whether this is a regional phrase, or if it is common across the whole of the UK?

Eating soup by spooning it from the far side of the bowl, and towards the edge?
Why exactly?

So you're less likely to spill it down your front, I think it came from ships originally.

Makes no sense to me at all. You still have to lift the spoon to your mouth and risk spilling it no matter what side of the bowl you spooned it from.

I wonder if it's to deter you from dipping your head too close to the bowl and shovelling it in, like you are at a trough? To scoop from the opposite side would force some space between your mouth and the spoon, albeit only for a second or two.

Really enjoying this thread but no one has got the correct phrase for when you don't catch what someone had said... Pardon/ sorry/ what aren't the thing it's YOU WHAT??

I once worked at a restaurant and the three of us were on a break. My friend got up to get a drink (a free one, we helped ourselves to soft drinks) and asked if we’d like a drink too. The other guy said no, and I asked why and he said he thought it was rude to be ‘waited on’ and went and got himself a drink instead.

I thought it was rude for him to turn down the offer of being brought a drink, and then get up to go make his own? It’s polite to accept the offer isn’t it? it’s not rude to expect to be waited on if it’s offered.

Always bugged me!

Can we please make smoking while walking something very impolite and frowned upon while we are at it?! That’s MUCH more offensive than eating in my opinion. So horrible getting stuck behind a smoker on the morning commute!

It is, it always has been.

As for the knife and fork thing, if you are at a formal dinner then you end up crashing elbows with the person next to you and making it awkward for who ever is serving. Obviously this doesn't apply if you are eating on a tray in front of the TV.

The answer to "how do you do?" is "how do you do"

It irks me when waiting staff start clearing the table when someone is still eating, or when a host does this
This is another rule I only learned in my 20s, because when I was a child we never had the money to eat out. You don’t clear away while someone is still eating because it makes them feel rushed. Also you never stack the empty plates in a restaurant to “help” the staff or give yourself space. It’s not your position to help them and you’re potentially just making more of a mess. The worst manners I’ve ever seen is a man who not only blew his nose on his paper napkin but then put it on his plate for the staff to remove!

I wonder if it's to deter you from dipping your head too close to the bowl and shovelling it in
Yes. Same reason why you sit up straight and bring the spoon to your mouth, not your mouth to the spoon. Otherwise it’s “shovelling”.

In younger days I didn't realise you had to reply to wedding invitations directly to the brides parents.

Surely that’s not manners, but (a very outdated) fashion from when the bride’s parents typically paid for and organised the wedding and were therefore the people to communicate with? Most couples organise their own weddings nowadays, it would be downright odd and quite rude to ignore them and send your RSVP to one set of parents instead.

I think that the left handed thing is a bit of a red herring. I am left handed and from a predominantly left handed family. We were all brought up to hold our cutlery correctly ie fork in left hand, knife in the right. It's never been a problem.

I would find it peculiar and quite embarrassing if someone has laid the table the other way round for me and would try, discreetly, to rearrange it without offending them.

We left handers learn to live in a right handed world so have to make adjustments in many ways. Restaurants always lay the correct way so we are quite capable of eating correctly.

Far more annoying in my experience was those wretched flip over desks that we had at university which are a royal pain if you are left handed. See also, sitting to the right of a right handed person at school and constantly banging elbows when writing!!!

@SunflowersAndLavender

Eating soup by spooning it from the far side of the bowl, and towards the edge? Why exactly?

So you're less likely to spill it down your front, I think it came from ships originally.

Makes no sense to me at all. You still have to lift the spoon to your mouth and risk spilling it no matter what side of the bowl you spooned it from.

I wonder if it's to deter you from dipping your head too close to the bowl and shovelling it in, like you are at a trough? To scoop from the opposite side would force some space between your mouth and the spoon, albeit only for a second or two.

I think the etiquette is to bring the food to your mouth, and not your mouth to your food, to avoid hunching over your bowl and shovelling the food in like you say.

I think a lot of people hunch over their food unknowingly, rather than sit up straight and bring the food to their mouth, as is considered the ‘right’ way to do it for good digestion and not to eat too fast.

KineticSand

what did you say?

Yes, but more etiquette than manners. I don't really care about ppsh people's etiquette rules, I jus care about being polite to people.
I was shocked to find out blowing on food is considered 'bad' because I was taught to do it.

@ComtesseDeSpair

In younger days I didn't realise you had to reply to wedding invitations directly to the brides parents.

Surely that’s not manners, but (a very outdated) fashion from when the bride’s parents typically paid for and organised the wedding and were therefore the people to communicate with? Most couples organise their own weddings nowadays, it would be downright odd and quite rude to ignore them and send your RSVP to one set of parents instead.

You just RSVP to whoever send/gave you the invitation or follow the instructions on the invitations.

You don’t clear away while someone is still eating because it makes them feel rushed.

my father would purposely leave a couple of mouthfuls on his plate until all the females had finished eating, for this very reason. as he aged he ate much slower anyway, but it was always a nice touch

Totally agree Donitta

I find it's standard practice in certain countries in other parts of the world like the Middle east and Asia to start clearing plates when other people are stlll eating and I HATE it, I always ask them to stop.

But clearly they must be trained to do it, or at least they are not trained to NOT do it.

I think it's because they want to they appear vigilant and attentive to each person's needs rather than thinking about the comfort of the group as a whole. Also maybe in hot climates once your cutlery has been laid down, flies might settle on your plate? No idea but I find it incredibly offputting to have the plate whipped from under my nose while I'm still chewing.

@Houseofvelour

I'm almost 31 and still have no clue how to respond to "how do you do?". A very posh gentleman said it to me when I was 15 and I replied "yeh, I'm fine. Thanks" and I still cringe when I think about it 😂

I think you responded fine. You answered the question in which he asked, I wouldn't think anything of it

"Not posh parties but "bring what you'll be drinking" kind of thing. I thought taking my 2litre bottles of cider home was the equivalent of picking up after yourself.
It's not always as obvious as you might think if you're not told explicitly about rules."

I think it's acceptable in student type parties or for people who don't have much money. It would be a waste to bring a whole bottle, have two glasses and then leave it if the host doesn't drink that.
When I have parties, I always offer for someone to take their drink home with them and press them to do so if it's something I don't drink myself.

@Fourstonesmash

So what is the correct response to how do you do??

I would say " very well thank you"

but then, good manners are timeless.

Except they aren’t. They evolve as society does.

I was taught the 6.30 rule for knife and fork placement at end of meal. I discovered a few years ago that apparently the queen lays her knife and fork at 5.20 :-) & this is the UC way of doing things... Who knows? I don’t!

"My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s*"

I don't blame her if it's not done in her family - it's not in mine, I probably learned at a restaurant.
I've also seen people stick to rigidly to it e.g. in a table of 20 you don't wait for everyone to be served, only the people next to you.

@ivykaty44 Or, Say that again?

I hate Come again?