Would you do this with your child?

[treesmight]

Would you leave 14/15 year old child alone at home for a week with food in fridge, some money and in a safe village/area? There’s a local shop with food a five minute walk away.

I don’t think I’d leave my 15 year old home alone for 1 week.

Saying that, I went on 3 day holiday abroad when I was 15 with a 19 year old. No parents.
I also left home at 16.

I used to be paid to babysit at that age! I paid babysitters too who were that age.

If you can be trusted with younger kids, you can be trusted to be on your own. It was quite common for parents to go away and leaving us, groups of friends always ended up in the empty houses.

I absolutely would do it, BUT it depends on the child. If they suffer from severe anxiety and see it as a negative, or if they have no friend (or unsuitable friends) no.
if they are independent and loving it, I can't see the issue.

14/15 is old enough.

A week, no. And it sounds like there is a bigger picture of prioritising your sibling's needs over yours rather than it being one week as an isolated event.

A very sensible 15yo for one night with easy access to support, maybe. If they are genuinely happy with it.

In the mid 90s DM went away for a week when I was 15 leaving me with my 22yo brother. I was the mature one. He'd been to uni and survived but DM trusted me rather than him to feed the dog or lock the doors. Me being there reduced the chance of a party developing. It was a good week and we got on really well. It would have been a long time without company, and had he have been a few years younger, we probably would have been fine. It was his company rather than the age which made the difference.

At 14-15 young people go off on DoE expeditions and navigate around the countryside, pitch their tents and have a minimal level of check-in supervision. Similar independence skills in Guiding or Scouting. 15 year olds are often capable of independence in terms of competency, but it's the social aspect that's important.

Not leaving 15yo's beyond 8pm is not doing them any favours at the other extreme either!

No way. If you know this is happening now, please report and get the child some adult support.

@rookiemere your solution sounds much more likely to create happiness for your teen.

The situation described by steppemum seemed unlikely to make their teen excited/eager for them to go. To me that sounded like self-justification by the eager-to-be-away adults.

@treesmight from what you describe, your therapist is right. Your parents were unfair and neglectful - even though it sounds as if you loved them and your sister, and even though they probably didn't realise.

You are suffering the effects of this and I am glad that someone is helping you through this.

You do deserve better.

Would I personally? No. But my mum left me overnight for several days at a time (maybe not as long as a week though) from 12 while she went on work trips.

I'd walk to school and back in the morning, cook my meals, do my washing, go to the shop if I needed anything. I was fine, except for once when I felt down the stairs and dislocated my knee. This was pre-mobile phones, so I just had to lie on the sofa for about 12 hours until she returned home from her trip the next day.

That said, at 16 I was flying alone to visit universities, staying in a hotel for several days by myself (arranged and paid for by my mum), etc.

I personally don't think I'd do it, but I am fairly risk averse when it comes to my dc.

No.

But, I find it a bit odd that people have 17/18 year olds that can't be left overnight. I mean, they can leave home and get married at 16 - surely they can be trusted alone for 24 hours?

@Wallywobbles. I think your DC would be fine as a group, but leaving one of them on their own would clearly be different.

When we were left alone with our older brother, my sister and I used to make plans for what we would do if anyone tried to break into the house. It usually involved pouring boiling water out the front window and creative use of staple guns (too much Home Alone!). The only time I was ever scared in our house was when I was by myself and that was usually only ever during the day.

For everyone saying it was 'different' in the 80s. Why? Do you really think nothing awful happened in those times?

My mother (single parent) would often leave me alone from the age of 14 to go on holiday with her boyfriend and spend most weekends with him. I was left at home with my older brother of 17/18.

He sexually and physically abused me during those times and I ended up going to various friends houses hoping to be offered a decent meal as whatever food she'd left had usually run out.

OP I am also having therapy and have to be told it wasn't OK to do that to a child. Trouble is you become conditioned to think it's normal.

16 but not under that. But I live in Scotland where 16 is legally an adult.

I am sorry that this happened to you. I think the fact that there has been a pretty unanimous cry of no might make you see that the therapist was not wrong in being shocked. It's certainly not something my mum would ever have done to us and I wouldn't do it to my children. You must have felt so rejected, it's a reflection on them not you though

@Ninibest

No, few hours in a day time is acceptable. I wouldn't leave my 15 year old alone after 8pm

Really? You’d have a babysitter for a 15 year old if you went out for a meal or to the cinema?

[quote 1WayOrAnother2]@steppemum you said: ''I got slated on here for leaving him because he was under 16. But it was a joint decision and he couldn't wait for us to go!''

Think about this 'joint decision'. What exactly did the 15 year old have to be so very happy about in the arrangement? There really doesn't sound to be much in it for a lone teen. Are you not projecting how YOU felt to be free?[/quote]
Oh look, a keyboard warrior come to slate me again.

Actually the reason I put 'it was joint decision' was in relation to the Op's experience.

Obviously we made the decision as parents that he would be fine. It was our decision that he was capable. It was 6 months before he would legally allowed to be married and move out and live on his own, I really really cannot imagine how a teen who would be able to do that in 6 months, is not able to be on their own for 2 nights and then 2 nights again.
I am just laughing at you comment Are you not projecting how YOU felt to be free? yeah right, because that was what it was all about. His 2 younger siblings came with us by the way.
I love this idea that all teens will be lonely if alone for a night or two.

But the OP was commenting about how she was left when she didn't want to be and was unhappy and felt abandoned. In the case of my ds, that was not how he felt. Hence the comment about how he was involved in the decision. If he had not wanted to be left, it wouldn't have happened.

Some posters should read the threads despairing about uni students who need a hand hold from their parents and are unable to settle and be independent at Uni...

You have to let go at some point!

You don't "report" a 15 year old home alone, to whom? Do you seriously employ a babysitter at that age?

So you pay a 16-17 years old to babysit your 14-15 year old when you have to go away? It's nuts! *and doesn't happen in the real world.

No way. Not a chance. It doesn't matter how sensible/good they are, you'd be leaving them alone and vulnerable.

@motherloaded. Being in crowded halls and lecture theatres at uni is entirely different to being alone in a deserted house in the dark.

Absolutely not.

Cautionary tale: a contemporary of mine at school was put in this exact situation aged 15 when her mother decided to go on holiday (in a different continent). She had a party so enormous that structural damage was sustained to the house which cost thousands of pounds to fix.

There were literally hundreds of teenagers in the house and it was talked about for years afterwards.

It this had happened today the mum would have been in all sorts of trouble with SS and in the papers.

Don't do it.

@motherloaded - there's a huge difference between a 14/15 year old being given appropriate independence- so we'd happily leave DS 15 home alone for a few hours - and leaving them overnight. It's highly unlikely to happen but we were once nearly burgled and the police came to our door at 2 am, I wouldn't expect a 15 year old to have to deal with that situation alone.

I was left quite regularly at that age,often in charge of my two little brothers. (4 years younger and 10 years younger). You know if your child is responsible or not

I was left alone for 2 weeks at that age and survived.

Actually not alone, caring for youngest sibling. Not sure if that's better or worse.

@motherloaded a week is a long time. And 14/5 is different from 16.
I would not get a babysitter, but would be happy for them to stay with a friend or relative.

No way, that’s far too long. My mum left me for a week while she went on holiday, about a month after my 16th birthday. I was fine and just took myself off to school every etc. Although the heating broke and I had no hot water so I had to get the landlord to come and fix it. But looking back it probably wasn’t a good idea. I look at my year 11s now and if a parent did this we would definitely report it as a safe guarding issue. You either need to leave them with a responsible adult or take them with you.

"it sounds like there is a bigger picture of prioritising your sibling's needs over yours rather than it being one week as an isolated event."

Well yes.

Fair enough(imo) that Op didn't want to go & I'm baffled as to why the parents ddn't take turns to take the sibling/stay with Op.

My mum went abroad for a week when I was 13 and left me home alone, food in fridge/freezer no money though. Didn’t even tell me she was going, came home from school and message on fridge saying they had gone!
I was over the moon until I realised my old babysitter was coming to sleep over every night. She didn’t come until 11.30 though and gone when I woke up.
I thought it was normal to do things like this until I became an adult.
It’s not okay at all but I do think years ago these things were looked at differently to now.
My mum is lovely and would never do anything to hurt me. She obviously thought I would be fine or wouldn’t of gone...

FWIW OP, I don't think your parents found the ideal solution. I can understand a level of sibling jealousy (my younger sibling was talented as a teen and my parents would often spend Saturdays slogging around the county for their talent while I worked my Saturday job and felt very teenage and melodramatic about being left out).

However, my parents never just left me overnight (or longer) to go sort out my sibling, and by the sounds of it, there were two of them together, so I don't see why they couldn't have figured out a better split in order to nourish your sibling's talent and to be present for you.

I 100% understand why you are questioning it and it's no wonder you felt lonely