Would you do this with your child?

[treesmight]

Would you leave 14/15 year old child alone at home for a week with food in fridge, some money and in a safe village/area? There’s a local shop with food a five minute walk away.

But not allowing a teenager to slowly gain more responsibility as they get older is also harmful.
There is actually no correlation with the amount of ‘freedom’ given to teenagers and their maturity. And no evidence that it is harmful to go slower. Most evidence points to more responsible adults having had the most security in their child and teenagehood.

For example teenagers are more likely to become alcoholics if their parents allowed them to drink younger, or introduced alcohol in the home.

Teenagers are more likely to drink responsibly as adults, less likely to have an adverse situation with alcohol, if their parents ask them to not drink until they are at least 16.

It’s a myth that going slower results in clueless kids who are then not responsible adults.

It might feel counter intuitive. You give kids freedom and they grow up. But it’s not the case. You give kids security and they grow up is more the case.

Depends on the child I think. I was left alone for 4 nights at around the same age and was fine, we did have dogs so I never felt scared at night (more that they would alert me than protect me, one might have humped you to death 🙄) and I was used to coming and going after school whilst parents were at work.

My younger sibling is that age now and no chance. Couldn't look after a pet rock and would be too frightened I think.

Not for a week, no.

No and I watched a police video the other day of a women who had the police at her door because she left her 15 year old son home alone for a week when she went to visit her boyfriend in another country.

Complete madness.

definite no

I wouldn’t but my parents left me for 2 weeks when I was 15/16 and went to France, they left me a load of food and phone numbers of near by relatives.

My Dd1 is 17 and I think I would only leave her for one night.

In most cases definitely not. I suppose I can imagine someone sensible/ mature enough to be left alone at 15, but they would be a small minority of that age group.

For a day I would, but not overnight or for a week.

We've left 15-year-old DD from after school till around 9-10pm but that's about it. She has access to money, phone, friends down the road, etc.

Not a chance. We would leave DDs aged 14 and 15, I think, when we went to the pub at the end of the road (three minute walk). They were never left alone at night until after they went to university.

@Blossominspring2021

But not allowing a teenager to slowly gain more responsibility as they get older is also harmful. There is actually no correlation with the amount of ‘freedom’ given to teenagers and their maturity. And no evidence that it is harmful to go slower. Most evidence points to more responsible adults having had the most security in their child and teenagehood.

For example teenagers are more likely to become alcoholics if their parents allowed them to drink younger, or introduced alcohol in the home.

Teenagers are more likely to drink responsibly as adults, less likely to have an adverse situation with alcohol, if their parents ask them to not drink until they are at least 16.

It’s a myth that going slower results in clueless kids who are then not responsible adults.

It might feel counter intuitive. You give kids freedom and they grow up. But it’s not the case. You give kids security and they grow up is more the case.

But we're not talking about allowing drinking here, we're talking about giving responsibility.

Having an older teenager who has never been left alone, never had to budget, or cook or find the fuse box isn't "going slower". Part of parenting is to slowly give children more responsibility for themselves so that when the times comes for them to leave they are ready.

I wouldn't leave mine now but I stayed overnight for a few nights at a time when I was that age with my sister who was 18 months older.

We were fine and it was our choice.

That was in the 1990s.

Absolutely not.

A lot of posters seem to be guilty of not reading the OP's posts.

This isnt simply about being left for a week. It is about the reasons why the OP was left: essentially so that talented sibling (read golden child) could be ferried about to attend opportunities to increase their talent.

Where was the concern about the OP's talents, emotional needs and wants? It looks like the OP was seen as being an inconvenience to be left behind. Physical needs dealt with but no emotional support or valuing.

In my view this is neglectful parenting.

@treesmight it sounds like the counselling you are going through is opening up some tricky history to work through.

@nestlestealswater it’s the same thing though. People think that kids need to be thrown into the deep end in order to learn how to swim. Kids need to be taught how to swim, full stop.

So teaching a kid to cook and clean for themselves is all great. It’s much better if we are around though. They don’t learn any better how to cook on their own. And one reason I wouldn’t let my son when he was 15 be on his own for a week is that he tends to leave the cooker on / burn everything and set the alarm off. He better now he’s older, age 17 he regularly cooks for me, cleans his room, clothes, works, takes care of himself, has his own bank account, buys his clothes, fixes his bike etc.

He didn’t need to be left alone to learn that.

I wouldn’t leave my 15yo, no, not even for the night.

However, you refused to go with your family so I don’t think it’s quite the same situation. If a child is old enough to refuse, knowing the consequences, then perhaps they are old enough to be left. The fact that you chose this option, on several occasions, to me says that your parents weren’t unreasonable over this issue and you were old enough.

We are social creatures and the majority of adults are not comfortable going out to the cinema even on their own

Plenty of those adults will live on their own though, which is the same thing?

I have read the extra information you added. With two parents, one of them could have gone away with your sibling and one stayed with you. They should also have spent an equivalent amount of time and money doing something with you that made the most of your talents/ interests.

On their own? No! I could not even think of doing that. At that age DS was ok on his own during the school holidays whilst I worked.

If that teen were sensible, I might.

And I am not in the least bit surprised you didn't want to spend holidays being the audience for your sibling's brilliance.

I'm not sure how I feel about your specific situation but as for your first question generally, I think it depends. At 16 you can live on your own and be independent so I don't think there's something that magically happens between 15 and 16. I think if the 15-year-old was fine with it and had some support networks and easy access to a more responsible adult I don't think it's that big a deal. I'm sure at 15 I would have liked that independence and time away from parents.

My,parents did this too. It's never occurred to me that it's a problem! Times were different when I was 15/16/17 whenit happened. There were adults we knew well not far (two doors down, round the corner etc) many many people we could call on if necessary. One year, I rowed with my big brother and walked out - straight to next door neighbour's who had only just mived in and I'd never even seen in the street: the mum took me in, made me tea, gave me biscuits and listened and sympathised until I went home again!

I wouldn't have done it with dd who isnearly 22 now, though we did often leave her at home when we went down the road to the shops when she was 8ish, we'd be out for a couple of hours. I believe that is seen as abusive these days. She is quite proud of her independence in comparison to most of her peers though (so am I). I'll get flamed now.

[quote Blossominspring2021]@nestlestealswater it’s the same thing though. People think that kids need to be thrown into the deep end in order to learn how to swim. Kids need to be taught how to swim, full stop.

So teaching a kid to cook and clean for themselves is all great. It’s much better if we are around though. They don’t learn any better how to cook on their own. And one reason I wouldn’t let my son when he was 15 be on his own for a week is that he tends to leave the cooker on / burn everything and set the alarm off. He better now he’s older, age 17 he regularly cooks for me, cleans his room, clothes, works, takes care of himself, has his own bank account, buys his clothes, fixes his bike etc.

He didn’t need to be left alone to learn that.[/quote]
Sure, I'm not saying that kids need to be thrown into the deep and and left to it. I'm saying that if you don't let your kids in the water because they don't know how to swim, they'll never learn.

If you look up thread you'll see that I said that I wouldn't leave a child that age for a week. I was addressing my comment towards the people saying that they wouldn't leave their 15 year old after 8pm and that 15 year olds left alone should be taken into care. That is also harmful parenting.