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Original poster

Solicitors put DH name first.

452 replies

Tullyjune · 07/05/2021 18:26

We are buying a house. I’ve done all the conveyancing quotes in my name, I’m the only one that’s communicated with them from my personal email. I paid the deposit with my bank card.

Yet the paperwork has all come through with DHs name first. It’s not even alphabetical.

I know it’s not the end of the world and most people wouldn’t give it a second thought. But it’s pissed me off.

Just getting it off my chest.

OP posts:
WorkWorkAngelica · 07/05/2021 19:57

I do totally get where you and others are coming from but as a solicitor, it's most likely just a case management system generating a letter heading. And yes, a fair amount of firms are pretty old school.

That said I've always been shocked by how many letters my brother and his wife get to 'Dr and Mrs X' where in fact his wife his the doctor... Confused

JudgeRindersMinder · 07/05/2021 20:00

@emilyfrost

You’re being silly. It doesn’t matter.

Complaining about something like this puts women in a bad light; you’re doing us a disservice by embarrassing us over small non-issues.

This. There are bigger issues in the world to be bothered abou
Original poster
Tullyjune · 07/05/2021 20:01

@PlanDeRaccordement

It is definitely sexism because people will always put the husband name first on mortgages, deeds, contracts and without fail they will always put the mother name first on everything to do with children- so the school, the doctor, any clubs.

So the argument that it’s just chance that man is listed first falls flat because women get listed first and contacted first when it’s something involving a child. It’s 100% deliberate.

That is a damn good point. The school always calls me regarding the DCs and expects me to help on trips etc. Even though I work nights so my DH does at least 50% of the school runs.
OP posts:
marypoppinsreturns · 07/05/2021 20:01

Years ago my then boyfriend moved into MY flat that I owned alone, and my name was on all the bills and everything was paid by me and had been for several years. I added him on to the council tax, which was paid out of my bank account, in just my name, and yep, they then sent the bill out with his name first. I was raging!

paralysedbyinertia · 07/05/2021 20:01

Ignore the people who say it doesn't matter. It's the little things that perpetuate the patriarchy. You're right to challenge it.

hallamoo · 07/05/2021 20:02

I hate this too. Years ago when DH and I got a joint bank account, it was easier to add him to my existing account as all the DD's (for my house, in my name, that he moved into) were already set up from my account.

Fuckers added him name to my account, that I had with them for over 20 years and put his name first!

I made them change it.

Checkingout811 · 07/05/2021 20:03

@Campervan69 thank you.

Chocoqueen · 07/05/2021 20:03

YANBU, but it's not every company. We recently moved house, so this has prompted me to check our latest bills etc:

Mortgage, council tax and gas/electric - I'm first
Water - DH first (though he did set the account up so I'll give them that one!)
Solicitors - emails were always addressed to whichever of us emailed them the question, and for letters/completion statement etc it varied.

RogueV · 07/05/2021 20:04

This would really piss me off too. Complain!

meecrowahvay · 07/05/2021 20:04

@emilyfrost if it's such a non-issue then it shouldn't matter if she's complaining or not. It bothers her. That makes it enough of an issue to deal with - stop being a dick.

@Tullyjune when we bought our house the exact same happened; I was told that in the event of a sale my DH would get his money "first" so if there was less equity than the deposit paid in he'd get his first then I'd get what was left - we had a deed of trust drawn up as I put three times the deposit in that he did (before we married) not sure if that changed it but I would query it with the solicitor and double check.

Our children's nursery do the same - all correspondence addressed to dad and not me. I arrange everything, I pay the bills, do parents evening - my kids and I have the same surname and their dad doesn't. Really pisses me off but THAT is a non-issue (or at least has no legal implication!)

RosaBaby2 · 07/05/2021 20:04

It totally matters, i feel you!

Original poster
Tullyjune · 07/05/2021 20:04

There may be bigger issues in the world, but are some of those issues the gender pay gap? Low rape conviction rates? FGM? Abortion legislation? All things perpetuated by a patriarchal society in which women are less important than men.

OP posts:
LittleOverwhelmed · 07/05/2021 20:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Yellowbowlbanana · 07/05/2021 20:07

I recently had to sign forms which automatically listed the first signatory as Mr despite the fact that I was the one who had done all the admin etc. I crossed it out and put Mrs and did the same for the second signature.

Chocoqueen · 07/05/2021 20:07

Just checked the deeds too (DH is confused about why I'm digging through all this stuff) and I'm first in those too. It actually made me smile.

Marcydarcy7867 · 07/05/2021 20:08

Oh I came on to complain about schools and sports clubs too. My OH and I try to share the admin so each take a couple of clubs/school contacts but no matter which ones he is meant to be the primary contact for they ALWAYS contact me. We’ve complained a few times but they still do it (except the after school club, they’ve finally learned not to after two years).
Women don’t help themselves though. When my child started school the parents association only asked for mum’s details for the class WhatsApps (because let’s face it us Mum do it all they said). These were mostly stay at home mums reinforcing the stereotype. As a consequence there is only one dad on the class WhatsApp.

Numnumcookie · 07/05/2021 20:09

Yep the same here.

The solicitors
The surveyors
The estate agent
The mortgage offer
The boiler repairman
The car dealership who messed up MY cars MOT (partner doesn't drive!) wanted to speak to him about the repairs and compensation.

Only spoke to me, I paid for everything, me and my partner don't have the same surname. My surname is alphabetically first, my first name is alphabetically first. I'm the higher earner in the household. I gave my name first on all correspondence. Everything addressed to him!

HappyDaysToCome · 07/05/2021 20:11

It would annoy me too.

We moved recently and remortgaged with same bank, in fact we kept existing mortgage product and added a second part. The mortgage has always been paid from my bank account. Because I earn more.

Final paperwork comes through and the mortgage is being paid out of DH’s bank account. We never requested that. But of course the mortgage broker assumed....

I haven’t got round to changing it so I have to transfer DH the money at the start of every month.

In this case it’s a hassle. But overall it’s annoying because it shines light on the thought processes behind it - that the man is the default decision maker or mortgage payer

chilledteacher · 07/05/2021 20:11

Pisses me right off. Our cat was really ill at the end of last/start of this week, I phoned and took him to the vets on my own, did all the to and from phone calls with them and made all the decisions regarding his care over the next 4 days, went to be with him when the time came to say goodbye. The bill came to MY email, addressed to Mr Chilledteacher with an email accompanying the bill also addressed to him. 🤬

Everyday sexism. Makes my blood boil.

Numnumcookie · 07/05/2021 20:13

To those who say it doesn't matter.... it does when they're addressing and charging things to a Mr Numnumcookie who doesn't exist, because they assume we're married and have the same surname.

biscuitcat · 07/05/2021 20:13

@DelBocaVista I had the same recently! I sent an email to complain and got a complete non-response in return, very frustrating. Who was your flight with? Ours was booked through BA.

Hanidjed7 · 07/05/2021 20:16

I've been a legal secretary/para legal for over 20yrs. We have NEVER been as busy as we are right now, and I was a para legal during the housing boom in early 00's!! The Stamp Duty holiday is killing us... I'm a secretary now but am still staying way beyond the hours I'm paid for and we are physically in the office!

We are trying to work as hard as we can in difficult circumstances, we're up against local authority staff/hmrc/LR staff all working from home (if I hear "I'm working from home so don't have that information" I think I'll throw something). Our fees are half of costs of Agents fees but no one moans about them!

My colleagues and I genuinely don't know what urgent matter to do first - I was too busy to have a lunch break and once again I had all day without going to the loo.

So... please accept my sincere apologies and those of colleagues of any unconscious bias we might have in writing to your husband not you. We must do better!!!

It could be the Case Management system also.

DelBocaVista · 07/05/2021 20:16

[quote biscuitcat]@DelBocaVista I had the same recently! I sent an email to complain and got a complete non-response in return, very frustrating. Who was your flight with? Ours was booked through BA.[/quote]
Ours was Aerlingus but I think I've had it from others too. I just remember that one specifically because there was lots of correspondence around flight changes!!
It really annoyed me though and it was ignored when I mentioned it.

Marcydarcy7867 · 07/05/2021 20:19

Handi - the point is when you are busy you resort to the default. But why is the man the default? Set the case management software to type a letter to ‘ms’ as the default?

Pinkpaisley · 07/05/2021 20:22

When I was getting divorced, my solicitor got confused more than once because I was the massively higher earner.