why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

I'm single again because men are disgusting now. Porn addled no manners, sex obsessed, dont want any responsibility. Id rather be single.

My one perpetually single friend would only date a particular “type”. Wouldn’t countenance dating anyone who didn’t fit exacting physical specifications.

As a result she was approaching 40, still single and horribly anxious about never getting to have children.

I have no idea if she ever met someone as she ghosted me when I met somebody and got married. I’m guessing jealousy but I’ll never know.

Selkie

"but i wouldnt be surprised if they all managed to find a woman ten years younger."

and there you have it.

Because there really are a plethora of women in their 20s and 30s who are literally desperate to have kids.
Some are so desperate they will commit to a man who has already had children with their first (now ex) partner/wife. Some will have kids with a man who was routinely rejected by women when he was in his 20s/30s but who this woman now thinks is a "good bet" in terms of starting a family.

Either way:

• the above younger woman can forget that one exacting requirement on her wish list that the father of her child is prepared to go bungee jumping with her (if he can kick a football round with her kids that is good going in a lot of cases!); and
• the above arrangement still does not take away the fact that if he wanted to scout the market (whilst with her or if it did not work out) he still has a much larger pool of potential women to date (whether he has kids or not, because lets face it, the world is not short of women who are prepared to have kids with men who has already had them with someone else before).

I don't know. I don't really think about my friends' single status or not. I mean, I might take it into account if thinking of booking a restaurant table, but that's all.

The reason I don't tend to think about it is because I'm usually the single one, and it has always been so. Never had boyfriend at school or uni. Other relationships have lasted a brief time or a few years, but have mostly been distance relationships, so have still functionally been single when it comes to nights out with friends.

I have spent time over the years wondering why men don't seem to find me attractive. Some of it is because I'm overweight, some because I don't wear make-up. Obviously there will always be some where we're incompatible personality-wise. I work in a male-dominated industry and in at least two workplaces, I have challenged male colleagues on sexist comments, and had the response, "you don't count, you're one if us!" (Yes, that's not actually the point. It's not okay to say that whether or not I'm here or seen as one of you or not.) So some men don't really see me as a woman.

I am very self-reliant (because I've been single for so long, and had to be,) and I fill my time with swimming, yoga, evening classes. At the weekend, I mentioned to a friend that my self-confidence is pretty low currently, and she said she never sees me as someone lacking confidence, so maybe I come over as not needing anyone else to others, to. And that's true in that I don't need anyone, but sometimes I'd like someone, at least for sex.

I tried OLD, but over a year, I had very few responses at all, and no actual dates. I know I'm far from perfect, but I also don't think I am as hideous as all that. I clearly don't know how to "sell" myself, though.

I don't have a complete ticklist for men. I want someone who can make me laugh and think, and isn't a complete sexist arsehole, but I'm now approaching 50, so I'm not expecting a Greek god, either. But equally, I am usually happy doing my own thing, so I am not going to settle for just anyone, but someone who is going to be worth giving some of that up for.

I don't know what my friends think about me being single. They probably don't think about it at all these days, because I usually have been for all the years they've known me.

Friend 1. Because shes too hung up on her ex. He is a bastard but even though friend gets asked out shes waiting for this cheat to come back again

Friend 2. Acts way to cool but underneath is super high maintenance and clingy

Friend 3. God knows, shes wonderful in every way

@Susannahmoody

I have to say, a significant proportion of the single women I know seem to be very emotionally high maintenance.

^

Loathe to say it but this.

And, not actually being that attractive. Similar to the wanting a mega hot, fit, successful guy in his 50s but not a chance of baldness, ill health etc etc.

The Prince Charming myth has a lot to answer for

What's the Prince Charming myth?

For my friend - wasting far too much time on a terrible relationship that was one of her first and shaped future relationships - lost her confidence and trust and she's now sort of settled with a v casual on/ off thing with someone she's not that bothered about because she doesn't want to be lonely - understandable given the last year.

Yes, when i say "attractive" i would mean, would their personality make them attractive enough that i could imagine being physical with them? So often, the answer is going to be no.

And yet some woukd say that's too high a standard!

My single friend is beautiful and bright and fab. I think she's always single because she never takes any risks.

By that I mean many situations I've observed where a man obviously fancies her and it's clear from our conversations that she does too but she is so worried about risking rejection and/or humiliation that she actively avoids giving any impression of liking the man.

She has her share of drunken hook ups but if it's someone she really likes she absolutely will not risk it.

@Bubblebu

appalled

"probably arent very nice anyway"

yes but as identified by multiple previous posters, a lot of women in their late teens/20s/30s (especially those considered in a cliched way "hot") deliberately and purposefully go for "bad boys" because it turns them on. And resist men who are "probably very nice anyway".............

hence such messages get out to the male of the species and - all of its own making.

I sort of see you point. But arent you kind of saying:

1. Women are too picky/have too high standards/reject men for small mistakes so they end up single
2. Women choose bad boys (presumably because they ignore those small mistakes) so they end up single

There is also the problem with nice men, in that it is hard to know who is genuinely "nice" at first sight. Hence the irony in the men who are "probably very nice anyway" enjoying the "karma" of women who rejected them in their 20s now being single and getting "played". They are not actually nice.

I am single again after a brief relationship. I am mid 40’s and female. I have my flaws, as dows everyone else but I’m not at all high maintenance. I have been in 2 emotionally abusive relationships and consequently done a lot of work on myself. After this last relationship, I am not at all bothered about meeting anyone. I am an introvert by nature and very happy in my own company. It was obvious very early on in the last relationship that it wasn’t going anywhere. Nice guy but not right for me, or me him.

In my opinion, a good proportion of women are single because they choose to be. They may well be jaded because of unfavourable experiences with men and dating. Society these days has a lot more single and solvent women who don’t “need” a relationship.

Sexnotgender

"I have no idea if she ever met someone as she ghosted me when I met somebody and got married. I’m guessing jealousy but I’ll never know."

Yes. It is women who are the worst.
My own cousin refused to come to my (small-ish) wedding because she herself was in her 30s and had just broken up with her boyfriend and was having the pity party of the century that she might never meet "the one" and have children.
Fast forward 5 years, she met someone - (a French man who never disguised his unfaithful ways) married him, had twins, he left her, she now has the children she so desperately wanted. And because she was and always has been the high flying career girl, she is both bread winner and single mum.

Go figure.

Im single and so are most of my friends. Several friends have had relationships that ended so badly they are very hesitant to start again. They have made a single life for themselves that doesn't include men.

One of my friends would have liked a relationship, but she has a minor disability and is also painfully shy and lacks confidence. So relationships have passed her by. She is sad about this as she would have liked children and now it's too late, but makes the best of her life as it is.

I'm single because my husband left me in my 40s and I can't find anyone else who wants more than a ONS. As you approach 50 you become much less desirable to men. I'm not happy about it, I would like a partner, but I can't find one, online or otherwise. I don't have loads of deal breakers, but I don't consider men who are obese, which cuts down the selection quite a bit in the older age groups.

Based on my single friends (and myself as single) I would say it's because they haven't met someone that contributes to their life in a positive enough way. They are all lovely, successful, independent women who won't put up with substandard men just so they have someone, and you tend to have to go through quite a few of those before you find a half decent one. Basically they are happy as they are and can't be arsed.

On the flip side, those that slip into relationships easily with no drama seem to be the ones with lower standards and therefore see no issue with treatment that would have many others calling it a day

I'm 60 and have two single friends roughly my age who I have known for over 30 years. I'd say in both cases it's because they have never found the right man and they have not been prepared to settle for second best.

@Bubblebu But in that case hasnt she sort of got what she wanted - even if its not what a lot of people would want? Although it sounds like she took an unnecessarily painful route to it.
She has a good career, earns her own money and has the children she wanted. It is true that she doesnt have "The One". But it is unclear whether you think her mistake was aiming to high (for "the one") or too low (a cheater).
It is totally shit that she bailed on your wedding though.

I think sometimes people rush into things , I had a friend who would rush head long into relationship after her 24 year relationship ended and in passed two years there has been at least 6 different men, she can't seem to settle .
I think it depends on people's age is biological clock ticking so then it's rushed.
I think that due to rushing you don't see what you have in common.

I met my bf on the internet , but we nothing romantic at that point we were friends and over time grew close .
To be honest I think that was best way for me as I trusted him before getting to involved.

My friend is single because she goes for horrible men due to low self esteem and she's also very jealous and paranoid after a series of explosive relationships with said horrible men. Sadly.

I’m single by choice. Most of my friends get that I love dates and sex and that that will be the extent of my relationships with men.

I do think others secretly feel that I haven’t met the right man yet and that everything will change if I do.

apalledandshocked

In answer to your question about men not being "nice".

I don't know. The older I get the more I do think that romantic relationships are actually much much more based on a kind of pragmatic "contract" than people are prepared to admit.
Yes of course there is biology and a very basic physiological form of "attraction" but that physiological form of attraction is often what drives things more than people will admit.

So for example many women might feel physically attracted to a man who on an objective level is not actually that physically attractive (or is not as wealthy /does not have a very attractive personality etc) because the drive to have kids is so strong with her.

I would even venture to suggest that very very few men actually consciously want children and it is the woman who precipitates that situation and the man who "compromises" into it.
Yes there are some men who actively enjoy the "nest" phase of family life in particular ways - such as the stability of having a home, seeing their likeness in their own children's faces, seeing any kind of joy and enjoyment the mother of their children gets from being a mum etc.

But i really believe very very few men actually think to themselves before they have kids "I want a family / I want children".

It is a compromise on the man's part, and (dare I say it) a trade off they make for a regular and what they see as "guaranteed" source of sex.

Women for their part play the field in their child bearing years trump card being their fertility (read sexual attractiveness).
Reading this back I am cringing a bit as it all sounds a bit "The Naked Ape" desmond morris etc but if you take away the motivation to have children from the equation the remaining driver is "sex drive" (often predominently for men but not exclusively) and for women "can I be arsed to give up my living space / autonomy because this man is worth it?"

But for others yes I think it can just be bad luck, not finding someone compatible enough for long term, the men not wanting to commit, wrong time wrong place etc

@Bubblebu you speak a lot of sense.

I have quite a few single friends and I’d say part of it is they’re not the type to go to places where they might have met men in their younger years like bars and clubs etc. And now they tend to work in female-heavy industries and have no interest in trying out OLD etc. So it’s a lack of opportunity I guess.

They are all brilliant and any guy would be lucky to have them. Maybe at our stage of life they have to wait for the good ones to be on their second go around, as it were? I don’t know. All my married/couple friends have been together since early twenties.

I have single friend and I'm not surprised she single! She rushed all relationships, she introduces the kids, she gives the men the dad role straight away, her expectations are ridiculous and she is looking for material aspects over actual love.