why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

@Bubblebu
"and for women "can I be arsed to give up my living space / autonomy because this man is worth it?""
I do think there is some truth in this - especially once women either already have children or are past that.

I think the Disney idea of romance has a bit to answer for... One of my single friends wants absolute fireworks and sparks and chemistry first date and to be blown away. She often finds this but usually the relationship lasts for a year or two but breaks down...

Whereas for a lot of friends in long term relationships or married ended up with partners that were growers... myself included. V easily could have not had a second or third date, no super sparks but really liked something inherent about the other person... the love grew into a solid foundation that will last and last.

Can't help wondering if she's discounting the people that would actually be a wonderful match and a brilliant life partner for her (i.e. a bit quieter, a bit more gentle, a bit less typical macho...)

I think a lot of women can be quiet shallow, particularly where OLD is concerned and so never really give most men a chance. I’ve known lots for example who say they won’t even consider dating a man who is shorter than 6tt. There aren’t actually that many of these men to go around though

I think with the people I know, they want to be and enjoy being single. Good luck to them, no judgement from me.

Bentbastard

"My single friend is beautiful and bright and fab. I think she's always single because she never takes any risks."

Again my cynical interpretation on the above kicks in.
Because often (not always) there is a lie going around in society that women can "take risks" in relationships and will benefit from those risks.

Where actually that is not true (sadly you might say)
Everything from physical danger, sexually transmitted diseases, and if not actively being conned by a romantic partner then being messed about to a significantly stressful extent.

And of course, ultimately - the point that having children affects women in seismic and lifelong ways where fundamentally it just does not affect men. (Whether that is right or wrong is a separate question).
I do think that modern culture brushes over and minimises the extent having children affects women (and yes taking into account all of the ways society does infact reflect that via the NHS, benefits system, provision of schools etc etc) - I still think for young women extent that having children profoundly changes a woman's life is still minimised by society.

And the above does influence the dating game.

apalledandshocked

i was a bit pissed off at the time she did not come to my wedding but since have thought it a sad indictment of how women are pressured by society during their child bearing years that attending someone elses wedding could be such an unbearable thing for her.

In terms of did she get what she wanted? Well in a way yes. If you put so much importance on having kids and end up having them albeit with someone who leaves you - then strangely yes.

Its a bit "be careful what you wish for"......

What I’ve also seen is that women in their 30s who are single start to panic as they know their biological clock is ticking, so settle for somebody who is interested but ultimately not really right for them, then the relationship inevitably fails a year or so later and they have to start all over again, but now they’re panicking even more cause they’re another year over. I watched a friend go round and round this cycle.

Given that the average height of a man in this country is about 5 foot 9 I'm really surprised at all these women wanting men who are over six foot tall. That is very shallow.

I'm 45 and if I weren't married already I'm sure I'd be happy being single as I always was when I very briefly was single, and certainly wouldn't be bothered about OLD or pursuing men in any way. If I met someone then fine but I wouldn't be looking for it, and certainly wouldn't want them moving in with me even if I were in a relationship.

@Bubblebu

Bentbastard

"My single friend is beautiful and bright and fab. I think she's always single because she never takes any risks."

Again my cynical interpretation on the above kicks in.
Because often (not always) there is a lie going around in society that women can "take risks" in relationships and will benefit from those risks.

Where actually that is not true (sadly you might say)
Everything from physical danger, sexually transmitted diseases, and if not actively being conned by a romantic partner then being messed about to a significantly stressful extent.

And of course, ultimately - the point that having children affects women in seismic and lifelong ways where fundamentally it just does not affect men. (Whether that is right or wrong is a separate question).
I do think that modern culture brushes over and minimises the extent having children affects women (and yes taking into account all of the ways society does infact reflect that via the NHS, benefits system, provision of schools etc etc) - I still think for young women extent that having children profoundly changes a woman's life is still minimised by society.

And the above does influence the dating game.

apalledandshocked

i was a bit pissed off at the time she did not come to my wedding but since have thought it a sad indictment of how women are pressured by society during their child bearing years that attending someone elses wedding could be such an unbearable thing for her.

In terms of did she get what she wanted? Well in a way yes. If you put so much importance on having kids and end up having them albeit with someone who leaves you - then strangely yes.

Its a bit "be careful what you wish for"......

Not sure if you read my whole post but meant to make it clear the risks I was talking about were about risking rejection.

I think that it is mostly just bad luck - and I am grateful for the pure good luck that led to me meeting and getting together with DH. However, I think that some of those who are longer-term single do tend to have unrealistic expectations - either of the sort of man that they are going to attract (much younger, more attractive and more successful than they are) or of the instant connection that they are going to have with them (if there are no fireworks on the first date, they don't go out with them again).

I also have a friend who rushed into it, he moved in on 17 th Feb last year, 3 days after meeting .
She didn't even know his last name .
It soon went dramatically wrong , police , social services etc.

Her reason she didn't want to be single

Bent

I see what you mean.

But the risk of rejection in itself is not necessarily nothing when you take into account what you might give / give up before you are rejected by that man.

It is rare that a relationship ends where both parties walk away and think "hmm that was nice, shame it did not work out but it was genuinely fun and harmless whilst it lasted".

Not saying therefore do not do it. Just saying popular culture encourages women (and men) to ignore what a relationship might actually cost before they enter into it.

I have 3 single friends - 1 is stunning, very successful but continuously picks the wrong men (married or toxic), 1 is very attractive, introverted and the way her life has turned out has made her very sad - unfortunately this can come across as a bitter and cynical I think. The third is bubbly outgoing lovely person gives all her dates a good chance etc and I think has just had bad luck. 3 totally different scenarios and probably luck has been a big part to all of them.

@Bubblebu

Spot on. I absolutely cannot be arsed to give up my autonomy and living space. I just don’t get it, never have.

Yes @Bubblebu everything you say is so true.

My friends are mostly single because the pool of single men over 40 is pretty dire, and the great guys are quickly coupled up.

I'm sure there are also women out there who have cheated on their spouse, or been a totally uninvolved or ineffective parent, or gambled away life savings, or had an abusive temper... But this describes absolutely none of my single female friends, but quite a number of my single male friends and acquaintances.

It also doesn't help that men tend to look at much younger women - so a 40 year old woman is mostly contacted by 50-65 year old men, who are often in a very different life stage - and in particular that many of my single friends are resident parents of young children.

@Maskedrevenger

Going by my very unscientific study of my female acquaintances , amazing, intelligent, independent women with good jobs, their own homes who would like to meet someone but don’t need to be with someone to feel complete, struggle to find someone. I think they give out some sort of I won’t be messed around vibe. Whereas women who centre their life more around needing a boyfriend seem to find them quite easily. I’m long term married but judging by the stories of modern dating I just wouldn’t bother if I found myself single.

This really resonated.

I was the single friend from school through to late 20s, I had a huge social life, travelled alone, changed career, made friends everywhere I went and was completely independent. I never managed more than a couple of dates with anyone. Friends who 'needed' someone, hated being alone etc always had relationships.

It took me a while when I met my partner to allow myself to need someone, and it caused really issues as I was constantly fighting against my own independence.

I see similar traits in my single sister, we've talked about how it's really difficult to be emotionally vulnerable enough to let someone in.

My cousin is single and has been for years. She's in her early 30s and has a very strict set of boundaries that for her, are her essentials. It means that she restricting her pool of available men, but she's OK with that because she's unwilling to compromise - when she has previously, she's been let down or abused, so I can understand why.

She won't entertain anyone who has a child, is divorced, has previously dated someone really slim with a model- like physique, is a personal trainer, doesn't work, didn't go to uni, can't drive, doesn't own a house, doesn't have a dog, doesn't like horses.

On a personal level, being well into the 40s age bracket, with two adolescent children and with a good full time job and our owned house, I am not looking for a relationship.
Call me cyncial but it would have to be someone pretty special to make the kind of changes to give a relationship a fare chance in these circumstances.
But my one deal breaker would be this. That he has his own house, his own home (where he lives alone or obviously not with a romantic other) because what I have been through means I think my best shot at a healthy and happy relationship would be having a lovely time but ultimately being able to give each other living "space".

The traditional domestic set up? Why would you want it if you dont want to have young children again (not that i am young enough now even if I did want that).....

It's simply bad luck.
The world today is full of incredible first class women, and second rate men.
That's all.

I think dating beyond your twenties must be very difficult and completely different to dating before that. Not only are you contending with a much reduced pool of potential partners but everyone is so much more likely to come with kids or vast expectations, or bad past experiences and biases and grievances they can't let go of or which have shaped them often not for the better. Also people judge eachother differently I think, based more on material/economic/career factors rather than attraction and compatibility which is a problem I think and leads people to pair off with someone they're not even sure they fancy but he seems really financially secure and keen for kids asap so.....................................

OH and I met when I was 18 and he was 22, it seemed simpler when all you had to worry about was whether they fancied you as much as you fancy them and if you get on well enough. Neither of us had anything to our name or a career or assets to protect etc so we had nothing to lose I suppose, I think it's easier to tell how you really feel about a person without a lot of the external pressure that can come from growing up. Also many long term single people seem to be used to doing exactly what they want when they want and controlling all their own money etc and while neither party should be a doormat, that attitude isn't exactly conducive to harmony in a relationship and I think they can find that a shock. It's easier when you've grown up with someone, sharing everything etc and it just seems normal.
So many women on here seem to get caught up in what sort of job a man they're dating has and I just can't imagine considering that really, especially not in any kind of comparable way as a factor to whether I fancy them or not. I think women in general underestimate how important fancying their partner is, I've seen girlfriends um and ah over continuing to date blokes they can't decide whether they fancy or not! I can't even imagine consider having sex with someone I didn't find attractive, bleurgh just why? I wonder if this contributes to the many dead bedrooms I read about on here. For the love of God at least go for someone you fancy, life's too short for anything less. If you fancy the pants off them, they fancy you just as much and you're pretty sure they're not a dick then I think that's the best foundation you can hope for for a new relationship.

@Toty

Well I can only speak for myself as a single woman. I'm single because I want to be. I prefer it to being shacked up. It's a lifestyle choice, simple really.

But you're judgemental about those that are 'shacked up'?

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

Given that the average height of a man in this country is about 5 foot 9 I'm really surprised at all these women wanting men who are over six foot tall. That is very shallow.

I think a lot of this is online dating. You can set a lot of metrics (and as a woman if you arent quite narrow in your selection criteria you get far too many hits to sift through) but they are, by definition, very superficial and not necessarily the things that we would actually be attracted to in real life. So given the choice of heights most people will go for tall, even if in real life they arent as influenced by that. Plus, to be honest, if someone says they are 5.9 on Tinder they are probably 5.6 at the tallest. So I think some allow for height inflation. Which penalises the honest.

For what its worth I actually dont think its shallow to only want to date men above a certain height if that is the only thing a person finds attractive anyway. I wouldnt consider anyone I didnt fancy and to be honest I wouldnt be chuffed to find out someone was dating me despite my looks. But I dont think height matters as much as people think it does. If you look at the what do you find attractive threads on here it always seems to be nice forearms that are key.

She picks arseholes

@forkjuggler

Glad I'm not the only one *@changemaname1 , @Happycat1212*

I'm also amazed that people seem to find a connection with someone so quickly.

Knew of one school dad whose wife died. He was perfectly nice, if a little dull. He was remarried within a year with a baby on the way!

I just can't work out whether they are the types of people who just hit it off with people really well, or are not being too fussy about who they get together with.

I know of someone at work who died and her husband remarried within the year too.