why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

I only have one single friend. Her husband left her for someone else years ago. She says she is happier being by herself and has no desire to be in a relationship ever again.

I’m quite envious of her freedom to do exactly as she pleases.

Lots of my friends are unhappily married.

@SelkieFly

And it's the same to a degree (with the veil of respectability) for a single parent. I left my abusive x 14 years ago nearly and a lot of people wanted me to get back on my feet and rebuild my life financially but as I've done that I've ruffled a few feathers along the way, inadvertently, as I've gone from a broke lone parent to small children to a solvent securely employed mother of two teenagers who has choices and doesn't need anybody's approval really. A few women who enjoyed pitying me 14 years ago were not really happy for me when I reached various milestones along the way in my financial recovery plan!

Oh yes, a lot of people can only be happy if there's someone they can pity. But that's all about them, not you x

I have 1 friend who is lovely but a shy introvert who lives with her parents in the middle of nowhere and all her hobbies are the type that men rarely do. She doesn't do online dating or asking her friends to set her up and she works from home so no chance of meeting anyone through work. She is late 30s now and wants to have kids, I'm starting to worry that that's not going to happen for her.

My other single friend I think is just very picky about who she dates. She doesn't want kids and she has a great life without a partner so it's not an issue. I really admire her for not settling.

Some are just unlucky and haven't met the one yet. some i think just have completely unrealistic expectations of either first date (expecting fireworks to go off after 5 mins) or relationships more generally (giving up at the first fight, constantly "testing" their partners or expecting their partner to magically fix everything in their life and being disappointed when the bad things are still there).

I was the single friend for most of my 20s, truth was i was still in love (and secretly sleeping) with my ex. think i was addicted to the pain and drama he caused me. took some time out for myself and just enjoy being single and finally met my DH. took me a long time to realise that passion and drama are not the same thing

I have two friends who are single and would prefer not to be.

Both in their 40s, never married, no kids. Intelligent, secure, funny, attractive, independent women.

I honestly think there’s a shortage of good men. One friend in particular has encountered nothing but a string of what can only be described as fuck boys. I don’t think she’s too fussy- she’s dated men who are divorced, separated, single, with kids, without kids, all manner of jobs and financial circumstances etc.

She does online dating and does make it clear that she’s not looking for hook-ups etc and goes for men who are also looking for something long-term, but she just can’t seem to find someone who is actually happy to commit, or even delete their Tinder profile.

When I was a student my single friends tended to be fussier than me. I seemed to enjoy the company of men more than them, although maybe some of it was them being less needy of affection than younger me. I also didn't go in to relationships expecting them to last forever and saw going out with someone as the start not an end point. If my current relationship ended I suspect I'd be the single friend, although I've not been single for much of my life so who knows. My job and hobbies mean I meet a lot of blokes.

The women I know who are single, whether or not they want a relationship, are al single because they are not willing to compromise massively. That sounds like a criticism, but it's not. I think it's brilliant. I think in most heterosexual relationships, it is the woman who does the bulk of the compromising and accommodating and when they stop being willing to do that, it's harder to find a relationship.

I know single women who would like a relationship but have kids and careers and responsibilities etc and simply can't change too much about their lives to suit a man because they have to prioritise other things. I also know women who are pretty indifferent to whether they are in a relationship or not because they are actively happy with their lives and have no desire to accommodate someone else.

One of my best friends has been single for a couple of years now. She was in a long term relationship in her 20s but he cheated on her and now she’s struggling to find any decent single men in her 30s

I think it also depends on the sort if bloke you are attracted to. I have mainly been attracted to quiet blokes not extroverts and used to find lots of quiet blokes attractive

grapewine

the people who pick apart why you are single (the ones who are in relationships) must in some way be unhappy in their relationship themselves.

what other reason could there possibly be to expend so much of your own time and energy on analysing other people's lives and what is "wrong" with them?

If your own relationship is good then you would just focus on that and not concern yourself with what you perceive to be the "causes" or "reasons" why your single friends are single.

If, on the other hand, their single friends genuinely are close and trusted friends I am sure they woudl have told you outright any "reasons" (if they had decided it was important to them to analyse it for themselves) and then as a good friend you would keep that to yourself or (if invited) counsel them out of kindness and love.

Not speculate on an internet forum as to why they are defective in this way.............

Agree that those asking are probably unhappy.

I also think there is an element of wanting to bask in other's potential misery.

The old phrase from Brigit Jones comes to mind - "Smug Marrieds"- who probably aren't that happy!

I can definitely relate to this SkankingMopoke, I have been the single (mum to 1 DS) friend for so many years now. I know friends that have got divorced, found new bf's, moved in together and had children all within a year or two of ending a other relationship. And i don't know how they seem to do it. I definitely think I chase the fun and excitement and get too invested in these 'relationships' which clearly aren't going to last. And I get so bored of the nice stable ones too quickly. I feel like there is a spark with the ones who are exciting, but never feel the spark with the more caring and considerate ones. Also don't like the whole online dating either and meeting people like we used to be able to has changed so much. I think i got to a point now where i am actually quite happy to be single... i do hear a lot of complaints from friends about their bf's so i guess it isn't all as rosy/perfect as it appears from the outside. I don't think i'll be on my own forever but also don't expect someone i want to just waltz through the door i'm thinking a little searching will need to be done on my part ;)

And the other slightly sad think arising from the fact that this thread exists is ....

that women (especially women in their 20's and 30's although I accept that is a generalisation and will not apply to all) are the worst at putting pressure on OTHER women to be in a relationship. And I suspect, sadly, it is due to the "ticking clock" of fertility and if you want to have a baby all women understand on some level the parametres around that (different for everyone but there are to some degree some universal factors).

So instead of acknowledging that factor in their lives with their friends, they turn it around into a competition which is definitely not originating out of kindess.

And I say that as someone who has the children I want and love very dearly, is happily not in a relationship and feel no need to either be in a relationship or "explain myself".

But i do feel sorry for some younger women who, in the face of discussions such as the one on this thread decide to have children "in haste" with someone who is wrong for them purely to resist the feelings they have when they read posts like OP (and others).

Single by choice but after two decent relationships - it's not them, it really is me

I just prefer being on my own, I have a happier and more fulfilled life by myself than in a relationship and I have no intention of ever being coupled up again.

It can be a choice not a default/in between state.

I will try to give you my honest opinion on a couple of single friends I have.

I have a friend in her forties who never moved in with or married anyone. She's had boyfriends over the years, but they haven't been great. She is super smart, has a really impressive job, very fit and active, well travelled, beautiful. The perfect package! Her recent shit boyfriends have been so beneath her and then they've dumped her unceremoniously. Honestly, I do think it's bad luck or being too quick to see the good in shit men.

I know a woman who is now 35 and hell bent on finding a boyfriend, although she herself isn't interested in sex or men especially and has always been quite down on them. The truth is she wants to have children and a family. But the actual relationship, I don't think she wants. She is dating an absolute low life at the moment, after years of being super picky most of her life. If she settles down with him, I'm honestly a bit worried, but there you are. She does seem to have a laugh with him, so maybe that will see them through. Again she is pretty, with an excellent job.

Both of these women have more than one degree from good universities and are in STEM careers.

I think it's bad luck with men or being too quick to see the good in some men and now ome of them is really rushing to settle down with anyone who she can tolerate tbh.

I'm the single friend! And the older I've got the less tolerant I've become of crap men. I like my space, I'm a single parent and don't want to give all my free time to some man ever again.

Should say that both these women planned to settle down and have families, despite having full lives otherwise. So not strictly a choice, although the one in her forties might now choose not to have another relationship.

I think single friends are single because they don't want to 'make do'. I think too many women put up with being the mans mother. How many of us Housekeep for out partners?

I don’t know. But in quarantine recently I watched every episode of ‘first dates’ ever, and mused that I didn’t fancy a single man on it. There was one guy that was ok but that was it. So perhaps every woman is as fussy as me or could it be that all the good ones are snapped up and not the type to go on that show . Anyway I found it depressing.
I know plenty of people who leave long term relationships and then dive into another serious one within months. And then another after that. I
don’t think it’s a bad thing but it does astound me, it’s just so rare that I’d meet someone I was attracted to.

One of my friends in her 40s has never had a relationship of any kind, ever. She's lovely, but has no desire to pair off with someone. She's never so much as kissed someone, and actually I love her for being so sure of herself in that dept.

Another separated and it was quite difficult for her as she accused him of DV, he denied this and accused her of being unreasonable and keeping her kids from him. Followed by him winning custody of the kids and her trying to assault him. I think now she just prefers to be alone and away from the drama

Another split with her husband, still amicable and took everyone by surprise when they split. She works a lot of hours, has 4 kids, one with a major medical condition. Again, she just seems to be content on her own and not searching for someone.

So, I guess it can depend on their experiences. Some women cant bare to be single so hunt a partner out. Others are happy just to see what life brings them.

High standards

I also agree with the posts on the pressure there is to be in a couple, settle down, have children, this like 'typical family unit' we are supposed to want to have. And I have been asked many times, 'didn't you want more children' or 'shame you only had the one'... which are not very nice comments to hear and i used to take them to heart too. But now i'm over it, i really like the life i managed to make for us and it really is down to me. Not that every minute was enjoyable but where we are now really is. I'm 34 so no clue whether more children are in my future but i'm open to anything although trusting a partner to be around will be difficult for sure. I also like the comment on not settling as this i find to be true as well. Some friends really are with some awfully dull or 'hands-off' bf's/husbands, where they have nothing in common. This must be tough for them especially when children are involved.

The thing about my friend who is suddenly hell bent on having children is that she never liked children either. She hates playing with them and if she ever comes to see me and my kids are here, she puts her nose in her phone and ignores them. She never liked men. She's never liked children. But she is now settling for a total scumbag man so that she can have children with him .

Not related to the thread, but I actually don't think I like this friend very much anymore 🤔. But maybe it's just a phase.

I think women are definitely getting less likely to settle and there is definitely a relative shortage of ‘good’ men relative to ‘good’ women- or rather not enough women who want to make the compromises that men want and to put up with their laziness and low level misogyny. I have to say, if anything happened to DH and I ( ie divorce) or to DH ( widowed) I’d be happy to be terminally single. I have a lot of solid friendships and a good career. Unless some utter prince literally fell into my lap, I wouldn’t go looking for it. I’ve found one good’un- don’t fancy my chances of landing another one.

Plus, on average my single friends are happier than the married ones.

Speaking generally a lot of my single friends and quite fussy and have a lot of expectations. So if a bloke isn’t ticking every single box then it’s a no from them. Whereas I think it’s unrealistic to find someone “completely perfect” and was quite happy to settle with DP as he has lots of excellent qualities and the things that aren’t so great are fairly minor.