Page 9 | What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 2021-04-24T21:36:58+00:00

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

Crayfishforyou · 27/04/2021 17:56

Angry horrible customer on the phone after being a total swearing rantypants: Don’t you know who I am?
Me: nope, do you know who I am?
Angry: NO
Me: hangs up phone

Justilou1 · 28/04/2021 00:53

I was a flight attendant for a while... standard answer to the “Don’t you know who I am?” question was “If you’re having a hard time remembering, it should say so on your ticket...”

Newestname001 · 28/04/2021 03:10

@Choccyp1g

I once asked someone a rather personal question and he responded, "A few people have asked me that and I always tell them to mind their own business"

I like this one! - and noted it fir the next time I'm asked a nosey, personal question. 🌹

memberofthewedding · 28/04/2021 04:26

Well quite a few of you seem to have been upset by my insinuation that the other was using a term that was "lower class". That surely is the object of the exercise when the OP asked for caustic put downs. When some random person you dont know (and probably would not wish to know) delivers a verbal riposte they deserve all they get.

So you ask them to explain exactly what they mean in detail and keep asking until they are thoroughly pissed off. Then, when they have lost all the pleasure in their pithy little put down, twist the dagger in the wound:-

"Sorry I had to ask. You see I neither speak nor understand lower class. Is that the kind of language you people use? Clearly my dear we come from widely different social backgrounds"

Delivered in cut glass accent as though to something you just scraped off your shoe.

Love it.

FuckyouCovid21 · 28/04/2021 06:09

@CheesyNdizi

Years ago when I was waitressing my Mum came in unannounced for lunch. I was young enough to be slightly embarrassed by this (but not young enough for what I said later), so I didn't mention to colleagues that was my Mum.

The Manager of the restaurant was making drinks and when I sidled up to the bar he said 'God can you believe that woman on table 42, she has such a crater face'.

(My Mum has severe acne scars that to this point I had always been conscious about).

The rage of his absolute rudeness kicked in and I looked him straight in the face and with an absolute straight face said 'That's my Mum.'

The look on his face was priceless. His face absolutely dropped and THEN he had the audacity to say 'No it isn't is it, you are joking aren't you?'. I just went 'No it is' and didn't speak to him for the rest of the shift.

I was kind of pissed off that he never apologised afterwards, but I did take comfort in the fact he absolutely squirmed and probably spent the rest of the shift going mad thinking 'was she telling the truth or winding me up.'

Your poor mum, can't believe you thought that about her and then actually voiced it to someone you worked with

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 28/04/2021 06:14

@FuckyouCovid21i think you've misunderstood. The manager made the nasty comments to Cheezy not realising the woman he was bad mouthing was her mum.

@memberofthewedding people who perceive themselves to be of a higher class and then use it as a put down just look like nasty twats. Your second post doesn't make you sound any nicer than the first.

Oneeyeopen · 28/04/2021 06:18

@FuckyouCovid21 I don't get your response.
@CheesyNdizi said that's my mum.
She didn't voice what she thought.

FuckyouCovid21 · 28/04/2021 06:22

[quote WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo]@FuckyouCovid21i think you've misunderstood. The manager made the nasty comments to Cheezy not realising the woman he was bad mouthing was her mum.

@memberofthewedding people who perceive themselves to be of a higher class and then use it as a put down just look like nasty twats. Your second post doesn't make you sound any nicer than the first.[/quote]
Yep, totally read it wrong...sorry 🙈

something2say · 28/04/2021 06:25

Yes the class based put downs backfire. Class is a social construct made up by man. Adhering to it makes a person look haughty and better than. Its mean. No one is better than another.

ChunkyButFunky87 · 28/04/2021 06:31

A bus driver being insulted by gobby little teens (I was only a teen myself) "if I wanted to talk to an arsehole I would have farted, now sit down and be quiet or get off" made me laugh anyway

WhatInFreshHell · 28/04/2021 08:06

Said to me : You don't look like a lesbian....
Me : I would look like a lesbian if I was shagging your wife...

awaynboilyurheid · 28/04/2021 08:16

Said by a pupil to another teacher I hate you!
Teacher, said with a shrug , well I’ve got teenagers take a ticket get in line there’s a queue!

PrudenceDictates · 28/04/2021 10:34

@memberofthewedding

Well quite a few of you seem to have been upset by my insinuation that the other was using a term that was "lower class". That surely is the object of the exercise when the OP asked for caustic put downs. When some random person you dont know (and probably would not wish to know) delivers a verbal riposte they deserve all they get.

So you ask them to explain exactly what they mean in detail and keep asking until they are thoroughly pissed off. Then, when they have lost all the pleasure in their pithy little put down, twist the dagger in the wound:-

"Sorry I had to ask. You see I neither speak nor understand lower class. Is that the kind of language you people use? Clearly my dear we come from widely different social backgrounds"

Delivered in cut glass accent as though to something you just scraped off your shoe.

Love it.

This is worse than your initial post.

"Cut glass accent" 🤮

midsomermurderess · 28/04/2021 11:36

Dear God, it does worse, doesn't it. Repartee should be quick and witty, not some laboured exercise in pointing out that you think you are someone's social superior. By the time wedding has dragged her arse through that process, the other party will have long gone, with a shrug and eye-roll.

BettyUnderswoob · 28/04/2021 11:55

Exactly, @midsomermurderess, it's quick witted comebacks that are most effective, amusing, impressive and get one over on the rude remark-giver, not "I'm higher class than you, don't you know?" which is witless and crass.
Especially as those who regard themselves as superior are often the ones being rude in the first place.

the80sweregreat · 28/04/2021 11:59

A relative used to say that his sister's husband had ' long pockets and short arms' as he was a bit tight with money!

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/04/2021 12:34

@memberofthewedding

Well quite a few of you seem to have been upset by my insinuation that the other was using a term that was "lower class". That surely is the object of the exercise when the OP asked for caustic put downs. When some random person you dont know (and probably would not wish to know) delivers a verbal riposte they deserve all they get.

So you ask them to explain exactly what they mean in detail and keep asking until they are thoroughly pissed off. Then, when they have lost all the pleasure in their pithy little put down, twist the dagger in the wound:-

"Sorry I had to ask. You see I neither speak nor understand lower class. Is that the kind of language you people use? Clearly my dear we come from widely different social backgrounds"

Delivered in cut glass accent as though to something you just scraped off your shoe.

Love it.

Caustic put down? 🙄 I don't think so. You may 'love it' but to the person it's aimed at it just confirms their belief that you're a twat.

BearSoFair · 28/04/2021 14:05

At a gig, bit of a show offy, nothing special, run of the mill mid-00s emo band opening. After one song the singer pointed to a girl in the front row and said "give us a smile darling, we're all here for a good time" She called back "I'll have a good time when you've left the stage"

Original poster

UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 28/04/2021 14:15

@memberofthewedding

Well quite a few of you seem to have been upset by my insinuation that the other was using a term that was "lower class". That surely is the object of the exercise when the OP asked for caustic put downs. When some random person you dont know (and probably would not wish to know) delivers a verbal riposte they deserve all they get.

So you ask them to explain exactly what they mean in detail and keep asking until they are thoroughly pissed off. Then, when they have lost all the pleasure in their pithy little put down, twist the dagger in the wound:-

"Sorry I had to ask. You see I neither speak nor understand lower class. Is that the kind of language you people use? Clearly my dear we come from widely different social backgrounds"

Delivered in cut glass accent as though to something you just scraped off your shoe.

Love it.

I asked for comebacks, not c*ntbacks.

Something you scraped off your shoe? Surely someone in your lofty position has people to do that sort of thing for you.

OP posts:

Littlejayx · 28/04/2021 14:23

A classic Scottish response (made famous to you English by Kevin Bridges)

‘Did ye aye’

Carryonlikeaporkchop · 28/04/2021 14:28

@SunshineCake

Some of these are nonsensical nor funny never mind the best heard. Some are claimed as heard or said by the poster when they aren't as they are well known.

Thank god it's not just me.

StarFriend · 28/04/2021 14:53

@Graphista

Leaving a job mainly because of a new manager who was making changes for changes sake and as a result Fucking everything up as she clearly didn't understand how our shop worked and was pissing off customers and staff alike. Takings massively down, I was the 4th staff member to quit within about 6 weeks, chain but corner shop type place. I had a new job in admin management which was more my speed (I'd been doing the shop job part time as was recovering from a bout of illness that had knocked me sideways it was a stopgap for me but not for the others that had quit). Just so happened the day I was handing in my official notice regional management were visiting (I suspect due to concerns over reduced takings etc)

I was much younger and less confident then, and almost hesitated to hand it in but I had to in order to be able to start the new job on time.

So I hand the letter in...which she had been expecting, but then she tried to make herself look good in front of the regional bods when I did

"Well graphista is on to bigger and better things now, after being just a short while under my leadership"

Which was bollocks!

I felt brave seeing I was leaving anyway and didn't need a reference.

So I calmly replied

"You and I both know EXACTLY why I am leaving and yes it's because of you but not in the way you're making out! Just as it was because of you (named other colleagues - one of whom had been there over 20 years) left and just as customers are leaving in their droves"

I then turned to the regional managers and said simply

"Lovely to meet you - and good luck hiring and keeping staff here I think you'll need it"

Now I'm absolutely of course certain that the regional people were very much already aware of the problems she was causing, but she was gone before I finished my notice and the company tried to get me to stay, but I'd had enough by that point and I was ready for the new job.

The funny part was my nickname at that job was "mouse" as in quiet as a. Unbeknown to me a colleague overheard and shared with others and was apparently completely gobsmacked I even had that in me!

My gran was once telling us of dads birth and said he wouldn't breathe and so they smacked his bum to startle him into doing so, quick as a flash my sister said "so that's why his face always looks like his arse has just been skelped!"

@Amdone123 yours reminds me of another shop one. I once worked in a shop in a town STUFFED With genuine world famous celebs. So me and the rest of the staff were pretty nonchalant about it all as were the rest of the town. One time a not actually very famous actress (not even in uk) came in, she'd not had a lead role ever and the role she was most famous for was about 15 years before this incident, yet she came in one day, tried to queue jump and then actually uttered the words "don't you know who I am?" My manager and I were in the back room having lunch but the layout inc a mirror meant we could see and hear customers but they couldn't see us. Our 17 year old colleague honestly and innocently answered "err no actually, and you need to go to the back of the queue madam" manager and I (we did know who she was mainly as she was at the time married to someone very famous) silent corpsed, she went all blustery and red and stormed out "I have a lot of money to spend and you've lost my custom!"

Colleague then continues to serve, 1st person says "you don't need customers like that anyway" to which the 2nd customer politely agrees. 2nd customer? Ringo Starr!

@Graphista - was this town Cranleigh by any chance?

Clawdy · 28/04/2021 15:11

My gran's favourite : " If you were a dog, I'd have you put down! "

Aria999 · 28/04/2021 15:38

@memberofthewedding

It's not actually cool to be classist. I assume you wouldn't make a similar comment about someone's color for the sake of a put down.

Aria999 · 28/04/2021 15:39

My favorite on here is 'nobody asked'.

I also like 'sorry, you may have confused me with someone who cares'