What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

I don't think "nobody asked" is particularly witty or acerbic. It's quite juvenile.

@GreyhoundG1rl

I don't think "nobody asked" is particularly witty or acerbic. It's quite juvenile.

As I said, it came from my Teen so yes it is definitely juvenile.

As I said, it came from my Teen so yes it is definitely juvenile.
Oh well, that's allowed

@GreyhoundG1rl

I don't think "nobody asked" is particularly witty or acerbic. It's quite juvenile.

Lol that's me told.

Most put downs are juvenile. I liked it because it's so minimal.

Good put downs are not juvenile. They come from a place of mental and verbal agility and are rare. Hence the buttock-clenchingly grimness of most of the ones being put up here.

Nobody asked is not a put down. It's on a par with "Did you mean to be so rude?" which is so unaccountably popular on here.
Of course they bloody meant to, that was the entire point.

"I've got 10" for you darlin"

Said by a guy hiding behind a tree with his pants round his knees, waving his dick at me, on my walk home from work.

I'd had a shit day & was in no mood for nonsense & I just turned on him raging & out came ...

"Try adding it to your height you insignificant little short arse"

He looked shocked, grabbed his pants & ran whilst still trying to pull them up & tripping over, whilst I stood laughing my head off manically at the ridiculous sight.

I'm still shocked those words came out of my mouth 😟😂

Now that's a put down 👏👏

I like:

"Who peed in your cornflakes this morning?"

Him: Where have you been all my life?
Me: Not alive for most of it.

"i got arrested a few times for fighting while drunk but not for fifteens years or so"

"You stopped losing then..."

A Sunday morning. I walk to the corner shop to buy some bits for breakfast and spy a group of young lads at the end of the road. I brace myself for some stupid comment or other as I pass them. This reply just shot out of my mouth without hesitation and I’ve never forgotten it.

Idiot: Can you help me with some directions?
Me (inwardly sighing): Of course, where to, what directions to you need?
Idiot: The quickest way to your pants.

Idiots friends fall about laughing.

Me: ‘Well, I could tell you, but you wouldn’t know what to do when you got there’.

Cue idiot looking like he’d just lost a tenner and found a fiver. Ha!

We had a very satisfying comeback if other kids were being dicks about us being adopted, saying we were unwanted, nobody wanted us etc.

Long pause and "our parents literally chose us..." with a fuck me, you're an idiot facial expression.

Satisfying even in primary school. My mum is such a good egg for helping us come up with a retort that wouldn't get us in trouble but would make any little gobshite who said it feel stupid.

My brother used to preface it with "are you thick?" but I preferred short and sweet myself!

@MrsJackRackham

Man in his 60s sleazily trying to chat up a girl in her twenties in the bar I work in. He eventually got round to asking her if she wanted to go on a date with him. Her: I'm looking for a boyfriend not a pal for my dad.

This is excellent

Also a patronising as fuck person ten years older and much more senior than me said "call me in five years and I'll see if I've got a little job for you."

Obviously I found "Little job" incredibly patronising especially considering I was already making some waves and working my arse off to do so.

I immediately responded with a scoff and "in five years you won't be able to afford my day rate."

I was correct. To his credit he apologised for being such an arrogant douche in the past when we ran into each other recently (10+ years on).

@youvegottenminuteslynn

We had a very satisfying comeback if other kids were being dicks about us being adopted, saying we were unwanted, nobody wanted us etc.

Long pause and "our parents literally chose us..." with a fuck me, you're an idiot facial expression.

Satisfying even in primary school. My mum is such a good egg for helping us come up with a retort that wouldn't get us in trouble but would make any little gobshite who said it feel stupid.

My brother used to preface it with "are you thick?" but I preferred short and sweet myself!

I love this and the sentiment behind it

Most of these have made me chuckle. I only wish I could remember any decent ones myself

People talking to flashers is the worst thing you can do it's what they want it encourages them to do it more they don t care if you insult them it's the interaction they want they know you have seen and that feeds them possibly leading to worse sex crimes never engage ignore and run and call police

When I was 17 and at college I had a part time job in a shop and the owner’s son was the manager. He was completely obnoxious and I hated him. He used to slag off the customers and hit on all the teenage Saturday girls.

Two occasions I snapped.

First conversation went like this:

Twat Manager: The customer is always right.
Me: yep. That one earlier said you were a knob.

Another time TM was ripping into a young girl as she had pronounced the word “garage” wrongly according to him. The shop, by the way, had a greengrocery section near the tills.

TM: Garidge! How ignorant are you. It’s garahge not garidge.
Me, picking up a cabbage and putting it on the counter: what’s this, Steven? Is it a cabbahge?

If you'rebeing put down on the basis of your (perceived) class then it's ok in my humble opinion to also make a classist remark back. One and only time I did this.

Long time ago, a man from Basildon in Essex said to me in front of a lot of other people "so, selkie, why do people look down on the Irish then?".

I replied "i don't know, do they in fact? Is that a lower middle class thing?"

I just volleyed the question back in embarrassment and confusion.
I was told later id handled it well.

But "being looked down on" was not a part of my identity or even, experience.

I can see it's probably best to ignore flashers, but I do remember an elderly neighbour seeing one in our back entry, and she said " Ee, I've seen better than that on a bloody corpse!"

Not me, but someone I know took a little longer to park in a bay due to new car and therefore new dimensions. A man (in his 50s) standing watching with his daughter (20s) commented - you took your sweet time in a mocking tone

Person I know responded- it’s like I tell my wife it takes as long as it takes.

Man stood there stoney faced and embarrassed in front of his daughter 😂

You may be confusing me with someone who gives a shit.

One when I was about 10. Mum wanted me to do something and I was arguing back.

Mum: This is MY house
Me: It might be your house but it's my HOME.

My first proper job I worked in an electrical suppliers so if I went to the trade counter it was full of blokes (we had a free drinks machine there). One was a really good customer and thought he was funny. He was sensible and pleasant in the office but tried to show off in front of the others. I got adept at answering back.

Blokey Electrician: Here sashh do you want to see my dick (putting his hands to his fly)

Me: Sorry I forgot my microscope this morning.

I've said this one on here before.

During a rather messy divorce my STBX had come round to my house and amongst other things told me how much 'tighter' the OW's er fanjo was.

I have no idea where it came from but I heard words coming out of my mouth telling him that, "Well that's because she had an operation to get it tightened, everyone knows that"

Good ladies of MN, he went back to the OW and before asking her, he actually asked some of the neighbours.

I worked as a clinical physiologist, I spent most of my training recording ECGs with day release to college.

A student from another hospital had the experience of a man flinging back the sheets and declaring, "Look at that, stood op straight like a light house" You can guess what was stood up.

Her response, "Is it? I hadn't noticed" and just carried on.

Good ladies of MN, he went back to the OW and before asking her, he actually asked some of the neighbours.
😂

@Pogmaasal

I actually think the ones about mums being fat etc are just disgusting and make you look like an arsehole, not a clever comeback at all

It's a 'Yo Mamma' joke. It's not about the mother