What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

One for cricket fans.

Mark Waugh, in a county match, is giving some witless criticism to the batsman on the other team.

County player: Well at least I'm the best cricketer in my family.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Similar situation. Was Waiting tables and an older guy thought it was cute to hit on me in front of his friends. I offered the table coffee and he said “oh, you make coffee? How about breakfast in bed?” I said “Pardon me. I think I hear my mother calling.” What's the punchline?

The implication that he was an old goat hitting on someone young enough that their mother would be nearby yelling for them.

He got the perfect look on his face and the table busted up laughing.

Oh, right. And the whole table got that, did they? Good.

My finest may have been 'I'm surprised your head hasn't caved in due to the vacuum between your ears.'

I also love, but can't lay claim to 'That's a nice hat. Did you buy it in a shop called Cunt?'

My finest may have been 'I'm surprised your head hasn't caved in due to the vacuum between your ears.'
That is good 👏

Watching The Greatest, the episode where there are paintings of some rather “gymnastic” sex positions on the wall.

DH: “ How about you and me try that tonight dearest?”
Me (without batting an eyelid) : “We are supposed to be protecting the NHS......”

@countingto10

Watching The Greatest, the episode where there are paintings of some rather “gymnastic” sex positions on the wall.

DH: “ How about you and me try that tonight dearest?”
Me (without batting an eyelid) : “We are supposed to be protecting the NHS......”

😂

Some years ago (in the days of Page 3 topless models in the newspapers) the company I worked for organised a bit sporting day out one Saturday to treat their clients. They had a few tickets left on the coach and for some odd reason I was asked along.

We all met up in the office early Saturday morning, waiting for the clients to turn up, and the managing director came over to us, held up an opened newspaper and said "What do you make of those then?" I looked at the picture of a young woman showing what nature had given her and retorted "Blimey, are they hers, or is she breaking them in for someone else?"

I'm sure this isn't my best but it's the most recent and one I can still remember
I was with teen DD at McDonald's drive through. 2 lanes to order then filter into 1 lane to the pay window. V busy. Everyone polite and taking turns. I had ordered and was waiting to filter in to the single lane
Middle aged guy in one of those big pick up type trucks was in the opposite lane, started behind me and ordered after me pushed his way in
I pipped and he smirked so I shouted we were next and he had such an annoying smug smirk on his face
I shouted nice truck, what are you compensating for?
Teen dd was cringing but it worked and he stopped smirking 😏

At a re-union party, I met a woman who hadn't liked me very much at Uni 20 years earlier. She was generally unpleasant and a little bit rude to me, and also chain smoking (indoors, legal then) and I'd been living in California where this was banned and was also trying to get pregnant. When I tried to gently ask her to blow the smoke away from me. She got so very hostile, I had to move away.

Unfortunately as the evening wound down, I was party of a group close to her, who were saying 'Goodbye' to her, and she called out to me, across this group, to ridicule me 'And you - you are SO Californian!'
As the laughter died down, I called back, 'And you are SO Huddersfield!'

(She was working in Health education, ironically, for the NHS - I was living close to the beach in LA)

Ha ha! Never been to California or to Huddersfield but that makes me laugh!

I was watching someone performing 'Pearl's A Singer' and as she sung those very lines someone heckled 'you're not!'
😂

@Ameanstreakamilewide

I was watching someone performing 'Pearl's A Singer' and as she sung those very lines someone heckled 'you're not!' 😂

😂

I think some of these fall flat because they aren't getting the added boost of the poster's (well-deserved) pride in a) coming up with something to say and b) actually having the guts to say it. But I've definitely had a chuckle at a few of them.

Also, to me a comeback isn't the same as a putdown, as it's tailor-made to the remark and has some quick wit behind it. Well, maybe someone will come along with their comeback/putdown about my being pedantic...

@BadLad "Written down, your delivery is worse than Hermes."
This is hilarious!

@itsgettingwierd

My ds is autistic and had lots of issues with kids trying to be clever dicks because they knew he didn't have the language to respond.

So I taught him to simply reply with

"Your point?"

This is marvellous when they keep trying to add stuff and still get the same response!

My DS is also autistic and he has a current obsession with a pink sparkly unicorn (he's 12) that he is teased about for being 'girly' . One boy used to really go for him so i taught DS to say; 'Dear xxx. You are displaying an unneccessary adherence to traditional gender stereoptypes'.

Day came when it happened again and I asked DS if he had said that. he said 'No. i could not remember the sentence so I just said 'Dear xxx. It is really none of your business'.

TBH i think his response was a very great deal better than mine.

(PS- the school are on it. It's just part of a never ending list of bullying that DS gets which is really quite draining).

This was many moons ago, when i was at 6th form.

My bf brought his car to school and loudly played music from the snazzy new stereo.
He was 17!

His mates were standing around the car and making admiring sounds about it, the way that boys do.
When one of his more mouthy pals (let's call him Rob) tried to embarrass me and asks 'have you two had sex in there yet?'

And quick as a flash, my bf, completely deadpan said 'have you had sex??'
It was a glorious moment! 😉

Rob kept shtum after that! 🤐

I enjoyed Victoria Coren's response to Ian Hislop (? or another man on his team) on HIGNFY when he said something patronising and she replied, 'Thank you. I already have a mother'.
Also Steph McGovern's more direct response, also on HIGNFY, also on Ian's team, but in this case to the host, whosit off Newsnight - ' By, you're a patronising git' or words to that effect.

Oh that's a good one. And he is so self righteous that man.