What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

I always used to be late for class in college. One day I was actually early for once, as I walked in the class my teacher looked shocked and said "Why are you early did you piss the bed".

It's a 'Yo Mamma' joke. It's not about the mother
These are for 12 year old's, though? Early teens at a push. If a grown adult came at me with a Yo Mamma I'd think they were a complete moron.

@memberofthewedding

Well quite a few of you seem to have been upset by my insinuation that the other was using a term that was "lower class". That surely is the object of the exercise when the OP asked for caustic put downs. When some random person you dont know (and probably would not wish to know) delivers a verbal riposte they deserve all they get.

So you ask them to explain exactly what they mean in detail and keep asking until they are thoroughly pissed off. Then, when they have lost all the pleasure in their pithy little put down, twist the dagger in the wound:-

"Sorry I had to ask. You see I neither speak nor understand lower class. Is that the kind of language you people use? Clearly my dear we come from widely different social backgrounds"

Delivered in cut glass accent as though to something you just scraped off your shoe.

Love it.

Well if it’s possible you sound even worse now, just give up will you 🤣

My DH said to me one day, "Am I boring you ? ...I replied "well I don't need temazepam anymore"

@bert3400

My DH said to me one day, "Am I boring you ? ...I replied "well I don't need temazepam anymore"

Ha ha! He either laughed or cried!

@SelkieIntegrated

My DH said to me one day, "Am I boring you ? ...I replied "well I don't need temazepam anymore" grin

Ha ha! He either laughed or cried!

He fortunately laughed - after 23 years together he has too

Well quite a few of you seem to have been upset by my insinuation that the other was using a term that was "lower class". That surely is the object of the exercise when the OP asked for caustic put downs.

It’s not a caustic put down. You’re just being a dick.

Yes best to ignore flashers. I know that. But if you'd have seen the long tree lined path, with no buildings I was walking down, yiu would not have wanted to appear frightened either. It's common knowledge it's a power game with rapists & I was very vulnerable. Plus I'd had a really shitty day at work dealing with idiot misogynistic men & I was in no mood to take any shit from another one & I just reacted without thinking

He did end up in prison for murder though. A very high profile case. Despite him being a known local pest, nobody believed he'd killed & he was eventually released. He had a flat full of sneaky photos of local women though

I’m ex cabin crew. Some of my former colleagues were really excellent at these. My favourites:

Towards the end of an arduous meal service on a packed flight, colleague is on her knees shoving used meal trays into a full trolley. Smug gammon passenger leans over to her and says patronisingly “I bet you wish you’d worked harder at school, don’t you dear?”

Colleague replies sweetly “I bet you do too, don’t you sir, then you’d be in first class.”

Another flight, a passenger told my colleague to “Shove it up your arse” when she offered him the chicken because the beef he wanted had run out.

Her reply, with a big smile - “Darling, I’d love to, but I already have one up there”

@GreyhoundG1rl

Some of these are so embarrassingly awful. I can just see these people delivering their assumed razor sharp wit with a satisfied smirk while the recipient pisses themselves laughing.

😂😂😂

[quote Amdone123]@B33Fr33....need any help ?
[/quote]
😂😂😂 perfect

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Nice!

I feel it has potential for variations too. Our parents chose us, I guess yours must have just missed the returns window...

I’d just had the crappest, most disappointing almost-sex (I’m not sure we even got it in) with a guy who, fair enough, apologised for being incompetent.

I sez, “that’s a syllable too many, ay it?”

I am not renowned for my tact.

The best one I ever heard... (waiting in queue at Sainsbury’s)

• you bitch!

• lucky for you I’m not a bitch. If I was a bitch I would raise my leg and piss all over you.

I once told one of my siblings he was my second favourite brother. He said, that’s cool, you’re my second favourite sister.
I’m his only sister.

The witty ones are my favourites. There are a few gems on here.

A lot of these arent witty or funny. The fact that they've been written in a thread titled 'best put downs' is a bit cringe.

OAP woman in Tesco, security stops her and asks where is her mask...
She replies 'at Rogers, I've left me knickers there too.....🤣

@user1471462634

I was 21, much older guy came onto me asking 'how I liked my eggs in the morning?'...'unfertilised' was my response.

Too funny!

Similar situation. Was Waiting tables and an older guy thought it was cute to hit on me in front of his friends. I offered the table coffee and he said “oh, you make coffee? How about breakfast in bed?” I said “Pardon me. I think I hear my mother calling.”

Similar situation. Was Waiting tables and an older guy thought it was cute to hit on me in front of his friends. I offered the table coffee and he said “oh, you make coffee? How about breakfast in bed?” I said “Pardon me. I think I hear my mother calling.”
What's the punchline?

@Boood

I once told one of my siblings he was my second favourite brother. He said, that’s cool, you’re my second favourite sister. I’m his only sister.

Now this is good. Some of the others are frankly baffling. I imagine the ones supposedly getting roasted were as baffled as I am!

@Justus77

The best one I ever heard... (waiting in queue at Sainsbury’s)

• you bitch!

• lucky for you I’m not a bitch. If I was a bitch I would raise my leg and piss all over you.

😂😂😂

I was having a rant at dh on the phone while he was at work. He let me go on and then calmly said 'you're on speaker ' so, not believing him said 'well, I think everyone should know you have a small willy' then I heard all these cackles in the background as he hung up embarrassed . He then worked in an office full of women

When someone called me fat, I told them at least I can do something about it, but it'll be hard for you to fix being ugly!

Some kid was hurling abuse in the park once. DS was about 7.

DS rolled his eyes and said "nobody cares what you think".

I don't know where he gets it from. I can never find the right words in the moment.