Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

@blowinahoolie DH did just as much childcare as me though. We were both in IB, it’s how we met. (I was sales, he was the trader). So it had to be evenly split because we both had ‘big’ jobs. We were very fair with each other about who would stay at home when a child was ill. I remember him staying at home when nursery was shut due to snow, because I had the physical paper copies of a key presentation my boss was delivering that morning (supported by me) so I had to go to my meeting. It was non negotiable. And when he had to trade through the night because our New York office was out of action on 9/11 that was obviously on me.

@edwinbear

Out of interest, I’ve just asked (sensible) 11yr old DS whether he felt mum and dad worked too much when he was little and if he would have preferred for one of us to work less, but for him not be at his (private) school. And he asked if I was stupid . He says he completely understands that for him to have ‘his life’ it ‘costs a lot of money obviously’.

Well he has nothing to compare it with and unsurprisingly like his parents he values the aspects of 'his life' that cost a lot of money. Not sure that is something that I would want for an 11 year old but each to his own.

@blowinahoolie

Covid 19 has made it clear no one needs to be travelling over three different continents in a week though? Working from home, using video conferencing does the job surely? Unnecessary to be jetting off like this, many jobs will now have to rethink how they do things🤷

It's done nothing of the sort.

The fact we can't currently travel easily doesn't mean it's no longer needed.

I need to be face-to-face with clients at their sites in Asia and The US and currently can't be there which is crippling us (small consulting business) because work is having to wait.

We already did as much as possible online regardless of Covid - I'm UK based and we have no UK office so have always worked remotely - but it's just not possible to do everything that way.

Since covid mandated more across the board WFH, some people seem to have assumed that because their job is now being done remotely - and obviously it always could have been - then everyone's can.

rainpurplerain there's an old saying 'the poor help the poor, but the rich keep the money in their purse'....

No investment banker here. My DH is a farmer he works 13 days out of 14. He has every other Sunday off. He's up at 5am (dairy), in for tea about 6pm... Then always does a minimum hours farm paperwork every evening. I do nearly everything housework, shopping and child related. I also work 3 days a week. I just accept me time might happen when youngest is school age, and I have a few hours during the school day on the days not working. We just get on with it.

@rainpurplerain - I can answer if I may. To a degree DH was driven to give the children the opportunities he didn't have and to be fair they probably went on too many sports and music tours because he had always to throw away the letter before he got home.

Our DC went to a local primary first. We still fund instruments and peripatetic lessons for children who wouldn't otherwise have them. DH also was and is able to access a box at a local football club (Premier league) and through a Met initiative, still takes young people who live in less than optimal circumstances 2/3 times a year.

I am quite sure we both will get involved as school governors, etc, if and when we retire.

I work 9-4, in my twenties, and I still find work knackering. I don't know how anyone could cope with some of the hours being mentioned here. Do you just get used to it?

@rainpurplerain yes. I absolutely do. The club DS plays for outside of school has a bursary scheme so children who want to go on tour can be funded by the club. We have some incredibly talented players, who we need to play, to be able to properly compete. We fund those players if they can’t afford to go otherwise. Likewise when there are rugby camps in school holidays, if a child wants to play but are struggling to fund it, the club will pay.

I feel like I might be missing the point.
He works, you don't?
You do the stuff you mentioned then. Most people do it , and work as well.
Apologies if I've misunderstood and you're both working

Just enjoy your kids and your income and enjoy the time building the life for your family unit. Spend the money, look after your family and soon they'll be older so you can return to work? Or maybe look into studying now part time for a qualification you can use in a few years? I bet your husband really appreciates all that you do behind the scenes

Thanks for the answer RosesAndHellerbores great that you think of others - thank you!

I guess I was not surprised by some of the middlemen and women who were a common feature of PPE deals during Covid, there was the investment banker who made a million on a PPE deal being the middlewomen, same person has a dog food business where she charges £5 a can of dog food. Different level of wealth - I always wonder what it must be like and how it might get to people.

korawick12345 children who are privately educated will be unaware of the difficulties and struggles the average child goes through. Naturally if something goes wrong, money will automatically fix a problem if that's how you are raised. This unfortunately will only go so far in life (vast amounts of wealth will not be of benefit if diagnosed with a terminal illness, for example). Completely out of touch with real struggles many go through.

My DC are brought up to know others have difficulties, there are very poor families, social injustices etc. We are not poor but we are not rich either. It's so important to teach empathy early on 🙂.

Thanks Edwinbear good you contribute too, but do you ever feel really guilty because of the sheer wealth you enjoy? Sorry just interested in whether in that perspective too!

Sometimes private schools do seem wrapped up to outsiders, I think people in the know do know there are schemes to help, but I find the truly struggling don't really get a look in, in some cases the bursary application itself would be incredibly off putting. Same issue with Grammar School places were pupil premium kids have no idea they could get a priority place at a good State Grammar and so parents have zero idea and so they are not entered into 11 plus which is opt in.

@JMAngel1

What does an investment banker have to do with it? Lots of jobs are demanding with crazy hours.

Completely agree with this. You’re title probably lost you a lot of sympathy immediately

@blowinahoolie

korawick12345 children who are privately educated will be unaware of the difficulties and struggles the average child goes through. Naturally if something goes wrong, money will automatically fix a problem if that's how you are raised. This unfortunately will only go so far in life (vast amounts of wealth will not be of benefit if diagnosed with a terminal illness, for example). Completely out of touch with real struggles many go through.

My DC are brought up to know others have difficulties, there are very poor families, social injustices etc. We are not poor but we are not rich either. It's so important to teach empathy early on 🙂.

I would agree with this if your first sentence had MAY rather than WILL.

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@rainpurplerain - I can answer if I may. To a degree DH was driven to give the children the opportunities he didn't have and to be fair they probably went on too many sports and music tours because he had always to throw away the letter before he got home.

Our DC went to a local primary first. We still fund instruments and peripatetic lessons for children who wouldn't otherwise have them. DH also was and is able to access a box at a local football club (Premier league) and through a Met initiative, still takes young people who live in less than optimal circumstances 2/3 times a year.

I am quite sure we both will get involved as school governors, etc, if and when we retire.[/quote]
🙌 great to hear that you use your wealth to benefit others. My assumptions have been put to bed🤐

korawick12345 sorry clumsy wording on my part😬 definitely may!

DH is an IB and has been for 20+ years. He leaves every morning at 6.30 and is home around 7pm, sometimes later. He loves his job although planning early retirement. He never works weekends. When my 3 dcs were small it was fairly brutal for me and I had a mother's help 4 days a week to do cooking, cleaning and laundry for the dcs and care for them when I went to the dentist, etc... she left when my 2 older ones were both at morning nursery, but I then had a cleaner. We have no family help.

The worst was the illnesses, which seemed relentless, but DH would help out with the sleepless nights when it was bad. And bedtimes were exhausting, it was always a massive relief when DH could make it home for bedtime...which he did always try to do but only managed once or twice a week.

It's hard, but it gets SO much easier when they're older and sleep all night, and don't get ill every 5 minutes. Looking back I rather enjoyed having complete autonomy in the house. And of course not having to worry about money is a massive plus.

@rainpurplerain guilty no. The reason being is that we actually don’t live a particularly lavish lifestyle. Obviously I earn significantly more than average, but we live in a ‘normal’ 4 bed semi detached house in London with a garden the size of a postage stamp. It’s valuable but only because of its location, which is a necessity due to work. I drive an old X reg car, because I do so few miles it doesn’t justify spending £££ on a new one.

Pre-Covid, we’d take one all-inclusive family holiday to Spain or similar, and a few trips to the in laws in Cornwall. We shop in Lidl, DS had just been given his first monthly allowance of £30 a month, from which he is expected to buy all his treats/V bucks, PlayStation shit from.

I’m very careful with money because our industry is so fickle. DH was made redundant 18 months ago and is unlikely to work again. I work year to year knowing I could be made redundant any day, so want to be sure we have enough savings to keep us going.

PP’s have made the very valid point that DC know no different, which is true. But I try my best to impress on them how fortunate they are. DS has to do chores if he loses a piece of uniform so he can pay to replace it. DD is not allowed the £100 gymnastics leotard her friends have because it’s a total waste of money. I’m trying very hard to provide financial security without them becoming completely spoilt, entitled brats.

@minniemomo me too. Also now divorced. Bitterly regret ever marrying him and giving up my own career. Long hours, travel, high prestige but not high earning so not able to buy in help. Utterly obsessed with his work. I too have been left with adult DC with sn who still mostly lives with me. He has swanned off and is living with another scientist. Both self/work obsessed arses.

littlemissblue if you had an investment banker husband who paid for the cleaner and Gardener then no you were not "basically a single mum" at all. Not even a little bit.

Oh and just to add on the bursary application for the rugby stuff. I think bursaries for schools are very intrusive. At rugby club, it’s very simple and private. If a child wants to go on tour/holiday camp, it’s made known a simple private e mail to the team manager will suffice. It’s completely private, so as not to embarrass anyone, the club tend to know family circumstances anyway and I’ve never known an application declined. Some of our very best players are living in very difficult circumstances, (I live in SE London), rugby is an escape for them and as a club, we will do anything we can to support both them and their families.

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Thank you very much to everyone who took time to post a thoughtful supportive comment. Just catching up now after a very long day with baby going through sleep regression and not going down easily. It means a lot to read these comments as it can be lonely being a FTM in Covid without a bubble. There are some helpful insights here and, knowing how fortunate I am, I feel inspired to outsource some of the daily chores so that I can see my baby more.

To answer some questions...DH is only just at ED level in M&A. This is still mid level in his bank. He still often does 90 hour+ weeks, so no, he is not home for bathtime or bedtime story! But now he has progressed up we are starting to see more respite and it's not all the time. Hopefully the future will be better due to Covid changing the culture. The drinking culture is not something that's been around (in his sector at least) since the crash and it would be very much frowned upon or worse, so that's not an issue for us. For those speculating, his income is way above national average, but it is not at the levels some have been suggesting, eg affording us a massive house, private schools etc. We are paying a mortgage on a one bed London flat - but hoping to move to a 3-bed in next year. We don't have space for a night nanny or au pair.

Yes I work. I run my own company with 25 employees. I'm going back part-time soon. I was quite surprised how many posters assumed I'd not be working and needed to start a "little part-time job". There's no way I would choose to be a FT SAHM- respect to those who do, and each to their own, but for me I need to to work and it's rooted in my sense of self and purpose. My job is not as well paid as my DH though, as unfortunately the economy deems my industry to be less valuable than IB.

There were some very unkind posts sadly, asking what in earth anyone would see in this man. Others suggested that "money talks" and I must only be with him for the money. Also someone even saying: "Ami the only on who thinks OP tells everyone she meets her husband is an investment banker😂😂. "
Aside from being really hurtful, these comments only reveal your own ignorance, inverted snobbery and shortsightedness. Other people have different circumstances. I met my DH whilst we were both at uni doing different courses. He was studying Law, so not even thinking about IB. I fell in love with him as the kindest and most loving person I'd ever met. He was going to go into academia in fact, but an opportunity came his way that he found exciting and interesting, and its led to this career. Anyway...We don't have to justify ourselves to you. I was very clear about to whom this thread was directed, so if you don't have direct experience of this, there's no reason to post unless you just want to make unkind comments to a stranger.

Thanks to the poster who said "it's not a competition". It's not, and I only posted a straightforward question, in order to help my well-being, my family and my little girl.