Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

@provencegal

I don’t actually believe the posts that say they would pass on a million pound salary per year for a few nursery pick ups! Seemingly not realising that many many industries demand long hours and get paid nothing like IB bonuses. Of course it’s demanding, but an opportunity to have security for life - and the peace of mind it brings. As long as there are long weekends of uninterrupted family time, and dh/de is home in time for a family dinner, bath and story time then I fail to see how it is vastly different! Yes maybe slightly longer hours, earlier starts but early retirement is possible and then they are around for dc every day! If they want to.

I will always value time over money. You never know how much time you have left on this earth and no amount of money is useful if you are dead and gone. I believe in seizing the moment and enjoying each precious day with family. You never know when it will be your last.

You don’t seem to be listening blow, how many other jobs offer the opportunity to completely retire in your 40s? That is far more quality time with children than most people will ever have! My dh spent two years at home when dd was a toddler. He had a complete break, and was then offered a great job. He wfh at the moment and has done fir 14 months. We are personally not short on family time.

@minniemomo

Try being married to a scientist! 70 hour weeks were the norm, 7 days a week (if I was lucky he would "only" work 2 hours on a Sunday.). And unlike banking there's no pay packet to pay for in home help at the beginning of career.

I didn't work outside the home so I did 95% of home tasks and all childcare of course until nursery age. Later on I worked pt and we got a cleaner. It sucked looking back but you just get on

Academic or industry?

It’s also worth highlighting that IB is changing. Banks are starting to realise that the historical culture of presenteeism is outdated and as the industry becomes more automated, algo FX trading, crypto trading etc, they are competing with the likes of Apple for the best quants/IT talent.

Most millennials, are not prepared to work 100 hour weeks in a bank, when they can earn the same in tech with a much better work life balance. So to compete, they are having to change. It’s slow, but as the older MD’s retire and the next generation step in, I do think things will improve. There is a big push to promote more women into senior roles, who generally speaking are more interested in the results than the hours spent at the desk. There is a man on my team at the moment who has has to reduce his hours quite substantially as his DC has some medical issues which he needs to support his (SAHM) wife with. Nobody has batted an eye, there is nothing but concern and understanding for his situation. Which is as it should be.

@provencegal

You don’t seem to be listening blow, how many other jobs offer the opportunity to completely retire in your 40s? That is far more quality time with children than most people will ever have! My dh spent two years at home when dd was a toddler. He had a complete break, and was then offered a great job. He wfh at the moment and has done fir 14 months. We are personally not short on family time.

Killing yourself working insane hours before the age of 40, you mean.... can't be healthy just dedicating all waking hours to a job, sacrificing family time. You can't put a price on that. Not talking about your specific circumstances but this type of career in general.

Sorry, you're not selling it to me😂

@blowinahoolie
Exactly.
No one lies on their death bed and says 'God, I wish I'd worked more'.

[quote PollyPepper]@blowinahoolie
Exactly.
No one lies on their death bed and says 'God, I wish I'd worked more'.[/quote]
🙌

First and foremost, make it clear to your husband that you will not be picking up 100% of the home "stuff" while he works, if this is not what you had in mind.
However you manage it, make time for yourself and be clear with him on that. Take your "me" time during the week while he is working so you are not expecting him to shoulder the childcare at weekends because you did it during the week - find the right help that can support this (nursery, mothers help or part time nanny). Spend your weekends as a family, together - but be mindful that he may want time for his own hobbies on his days off.
If you both like to work out, spend on a good family health club membership with a creche facility, somewhere you can all go together but do your own thing. Even if you don't work out, go to the spa, go to the cafe and catch up on admin / read a book / chat with friends.

But I can put a price on a lovely, mortgage free home. DC in private school with the opportunities that brings them. Private pensions for both DC set up and paid into as soon as they were born. If DS wants to go on the school rugby tour to New Zealand or DD wants to go on the school ski trip it’s fine. Neither DC will leave Uni with debt and we will help with deposits for their first homes. DH’s final salary pension scheme will pay him not far off 6 figures throughout retirement.

It’s very much a personal choice of course, and when they were young I once had a stranger at the bus stop give me a mouthful for having them there so early in the morning so I could get to work on time. But for us, they had a few years of probably too much time in childcare, for a lifetimes financial security. I’m OK with that.

@Edwinbear - I am obviously out of date as my eldest is now 25. I enjoyed every minute of my career with an investment bank but by 35 I had had had enough. But for @blowinahoolie - it was my foundation that set us up and gave dh the freedom to be choosier than otherwise about the work he accepted.

After nearly 15 years in the City in the 80s and early 90s(American bank) the nights with a baby were a breeze. And having a baby and being with him was exactly what I wanted. DH being 110%+ committed to work worked for us because one, I trusted him and two, I was doing what I wanted to do.

My husband is military so literally never home. Also we have no money with running two houses. I suppose you don't have that problem though.

Is executive banker a euphemism?

These threads always attract the jealous, the bitter and the competitive. It’s pointless really.

@RosesAndHellebores I think you were a little before me. I started late 90’s and my eldest is only 11, I envy you the 80’s/early 90’s though! DH is older and went straight there from school - it was the hay day for sure and sound like a blast! Similar to you, I think, I’m now supporting the family, as 53 yr old, FX trader DH is now on the scrap heap - as happens in the sector. But my salary and his savings can keep us going until his pension kicks in. For that I’m very grateful. Knackered as I am

Night feeds - night nanny, if EBF they bring baby to you and away again, they burp and resettle or you express for them. Doesn’t have to be all the time, can be once a week for you to have a break. I used www.nightnannies.com/ Allowed during pandemic.

Childcare: think COVID doesn’t help here, as things like baby groups and mum gatherings let you have me time and baby break.

Household chores: what kind of stuff do you mean? Think you just don’t try in the beginning, and then when baby is regularly napping can do the chores you can’t outsource.

Life admin: he does it as part of his to do list e.g. 10min on commute to renew insurance

Weekends: you plan to do stuff with other people

Time for ourselves: tbh the “our” is important here, don’t think there’s anything you as an individual can do, he needs to carve it out (appreciate this might not be possible!). If a night nanny comes at 8pm you could go meet him for dinner when he leaves office.

The lack of time together and for yourself when have a baby isn’t unique to stressful work hours though - not saying that to minimise, but to say it may be an unachievable ideal you’re aiming for!

Hire help

Maternity nurse, doula, maternity night nanny, daily nanny, live in nanny........there are so many choices

There are great agencies that can help

If you’re local to London or Herts, I might be able to help

I used to work as a nanny for investment bankers. They worked 7-7 everyday, they alternated who came home some nights but hardly ever worked weekends. They split childcare over weekends so they could both get time for the gym etc but that was their only time not together as a family. I worked the odd weekend for weddings parties etc but usually they shared childcare at weekends. Also had a cleaner.

@edwinbear

But I can put a price on a lovely, mortgage free home. DC in private school with the opportunities that brings them. Private pensions for both DC set up and paid into as soon as they were born. If DS wants to go on the school rugby tour to New Zealand or DD wants to go on the school ski trip it’s fine. Neither DC will leave Uni with debt and we will help with deposits for their first homes. DH’s final salary pension scheme will pay him not far off 6 figures throughout retirement.

It’s very much a personal choice of course, and when they were young I once had a stranger at the bus stop give me a mouthful for having them there so early in the morning so I could get to work on time. But for us, they had a few years of probably too much time in childcare, for a lifetimes financial security. I’m OK with that.

I suppose if you are driven by only money in life this is a great career. My home is paid outright too but DH definitely isn't an investment banker and has been around regularly involved in childcare, huge stint off work due to youngest being born prem. As I said for many of us, there's more to life than money. Each to their own.

Wealth may help make life easier in some ways as you have mentioned, but it's not the be all and end all for the majority.

[quote Lisbon83]@JMAngel1 Of course lots of jobs are demanding, but IB has very specific type of responsibilities and pressures which are unique to the industry. Not saying more pressures, necessarily, but specific to IB. [/quote]
No they really don't. No different to the pressures that big firm lawyers, management consultants, hedge fund managers, venture capitalists or a myriad of other city type jobs. Different but not better or worse than many non-city, high pressure jobs. I say that as the wife of an ex-IB. Your DH is only ED level and you have a baby so that suggests you are quite young. You will learn young Padawan, you will learn.

Out of interest, I’ve just asked (sensible) 11yr old DS whether he felt mum and dad worked too much when he was little and if he would have preferred for one of us to work less, but for him not be at his (private) school. And he asked if I was stupid . He says he completely understands that for him to have ‘his life’ it ‘costs a lot of money obviously’.

The 80s were brilliant in the City but it was very sensitive back then although I never bore the brunt! I started on the syndicate desk - no degree.

I am a tad older than DH who turns 60 this summer. Neither of us are ready to retire. DH has slowed down a bit and my 2nd career took off about 3/4 years ago.

@joystir59 no it isn't that's RSI and those in any career can suffer from it.

Edwinbear so do you ever feel really guilty for the kids who say are fabulous at rugby who don't get those opportunities? The kids who are in sink schools whereas your kids sound like they are going to join the elite?

Does the level of wealth you enjoy ever make you feel a bit sick?

I am a SAHM now - have worked, we don't have lots of money, but what I totally miss about my wage was being able to actually help other families that were not that well off, you know school uniforms, or paying for a tutor for a kid who was say a talented musician. getting some groceries for a friend who was struggling.

I can't imagine having the wealth you have but always wonder how it really feels to put your kids in private schools and have them set up for life while others who work just as hard as you have worked will never have that level of wealth?

I had a friend who did HR for Merchant Bankers and a lawyer friend who was paid ok but they both hated the total intrusion in their life and no they didn't get to retire early or anything like that but were hounded by IB types who just expected them to be at their beck and call.

The nicest thing dd ever said to me at about 16/17 was "we are really lucky you went back to work, it made us self reliant and you are a great role model".

Having had two very different careers, I do think the City/banking is a bit different. When I did it, the bank pretty much owned you and there was very little slack. Much of keeping going was about self discipline.

Back in the day you would have a 'treasure'. Usually a woman with kids of her own who wanted work between say 10 o'clock and two. You worked out a routine together. Maybe Tuesdays and Fridays full thorough house cleans. Another day ironing while looking after baby so you can go the the gym. out to lunch, volunteer ext ext. Other days could be further childcare, taking kids to activities, swopping hours so that she comes in the evening so you could have a night out.

No ... I was never in that league but I knew people who were. They looked after their 'treasure' because they liked them ...they were honest and reliable. Also they were in great demand and others would try to lure them away so they were paid reasonably and their time limits respected with a bit of flexibility on both sides.

These days I imagine such 'treasures' would be few and far between with far more nurseries and so many more people in full time work but if you advertised, set up clear expectations with some flexibility this could work.

@rainpurplerain

Edwinbear so do you ever feel really guilty for the kids who say are fabulous at rugby who don't get those opportunities? The kids who are in sink schools whereas your kids sound like they are going to join the elite?

Does the level of wealth you enjoy ever make you feel a bit sick?

I am a SAHM now - have worked, we don't have lots of money, but what I totally miss about my wage was being able to actually help other families that were not that well off, you know school uniforms, or paying for a tutor for a kid who was say a talented musician. getting some groceries for a friend who was struggling.

I can't imagine having the wealth you have but always wonder how it really feels to put your kids in private schools and have them set up for life while others who work just as hard as you have worked will never have that level of wealth?

I had a friend who did HR for Merchant Bankers and a lawyer friend who was paid ok but they both hated the total intrusion in their life and no they didn't get to retire early or anything like that but were hounded by IB types who just expected them to be at their beck and call.

It's like a parallel universe isn't it😬