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Original poster

Can you really love someone else kid?

147 replies

SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 22:33

I’m seeking the harsh truth... I genuinely don’t feel like my OH has truly accepted or loved my child from my previous marriage.

Am I expecting too much? Can you just not love someone else’s child like your own?

I won’t be mad - please hit me with the harsh truth. I just want to know as if that’s the case then maybe I should stop expecting so much from him.

OP posts:
ReginaaPhalange · 18/04/2021 22:43

I love my SC. But I know for a fact it's not the same love as a parent to their child. I don't have the over powering love for them that parents describe.

It doesn't make you a bad person. Personally I'd find it weird if someone loved my DC the way I loved them.

But then again, I have no DC on my own so could be totally wrong here.

I find it weird when the cat and dog sitter says they love my fur babies so much it makes their heart ache.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 18/04/2021 22:46

You can love them, but honestly if you and your OH split would he ever see your DC again?

I'm actually of the opinion "does it matter?". Does a child need father like love from a stepfather? I say this as someone who had many step parents as my parents split when I was 1 and both remarried several times

Rainallnight · 18/04/2021 22:47

I’m an adoptive mum and I can’t imagine loving my DC more. I adore the very bones of them. But that’s a different situation

Ugzbugz · 18/04/2021 22:47

I think alot depends on what age you meet them to, if they are a baby then maybe but it seems different with older children

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 22:50

They met when DC was 5 and is now 8 and literally they could be in a room for a couple hours with zero interaction. It saddens me tbh but I’m trying to figure out if I’m expecting too much

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 18/04/2021 22:50

I think you absolutely can. I think it might be quite damaging to grow up in a house where one adult doesn't love you. I appreciate it's harder with older kids who may not want you in a parental way. But 4 is still very young.

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 22:51

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows that’s very interesting, did it never bother you if your relationship was strong/non existent/average etc with any of your SPs

OP posts:
Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 22:52

@IdblowJonSnow that’s what worries me, the potential damage

OP posts:
Thepennyhasdroppedq · 18/04/2021 22:52

Depends but from my experience, no.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/04/2021 22:52

I think you can have maternal instinct and love for a DC you didn't give birth too.
Not sure if it's a bit different with men.

Ohpulltheotherone · 18/04/2021 22:54

You’re asking a lot to ask someone to love your child like it’s their own or the way that you love them.

I would say that absolutely yes you can love a non biological child like your own, of course.

But that is going to hugely depend on the individual situation.
I don’t love my SC but I have not been in their life since they were young, they don’t live with us, I don’t see them all that much and I have my own young family which takes up pretty much all of my available energy.
Could I love a SC if I lived with them or saw them a lot, had a lot of time to dedicate to building a relationship and we had many years to grow and nurture the bond - of course.

My DP knows I don’t love his kids, I am not their mum and he doesn’t expect me to be. I see myself as another adult in their life - like a aunty or a family friend. I don’t have much input in their lives so there’s not a lot to work with tbh.

Assuming your partner lives with you, is kind and decent and gives your son lots of time and attention then does it matter if that love isn’t what you would call a “parental love”? I assume your extended family love your son but they won’t love him like their own child?

Love comes in many guises, if the relationship is otherwise good and you have no doubts about him as a person or a role model then I think you’re being a little unreasonable to dictate that it must be love within your definition

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2021 22:54

There’s a difference between accepted and loves.

How long have you been together? What’s their relationship like?

Are you clear in your head about what you expect and feel is missing?

I love my step children but not “as my own” because they’re not my own. My relationship with them, and it’s been well over half their lives, is dependant on my relationship with my husband/their father. If we divorce or he dies I doubt I’d see them again and that affects my attachment to them. They don’t need me, they think and say I’m a positive in their lives but they have a mum and dad and I’m a bonus not a necessity.

From the day I met them I’ve accepted them but it’s not uncomplicated at times and if my husband expected more of me than I’m able to give I’d consider him highly unreasonable.

ReginaaPhalange · 18/04/2021 22:54

@EmeraldShamrock I agree with this. I'd never want my DSC to be in pain, upset or lonely and I worry about them, but at the same time when they go back home to DM I'm like "ahhhh peace" lol! Doesn't make me a bad person but I do miss them when not here but I don't miss them miss them if you know what I mean

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2021 22:56

Does your child have an involved dad?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 18/04/2021 22:57

[quote SeekingSomethin]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows that’s very interesting, did it never bother you if your relationship was strong/non existent/average etc with any of your SPs[/quote]
I think because we had so many it got to a point where it didn't especially matter if we grew a bond because there was the risk they'd move on before long.

But I have 3 (full) siblings, we were all very close as children. We had the odd step sibling but they never quite got in our knit.

If it helps, I am close to my dad's third wife. He died 9 years ago. They divorced when I was 12 but I had a good relationship with her and so we reconnected when he died and get on very well, she adores my children and has been an amazing friend through my grief.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 18/04/2021 22:58

I've been a stepmum and a stepchild.
My stepdad is my dad and I'm his daughter, we met when I was five.
He loves me as his own and vice versa.
I care about my stepson and now that I'm no longer with his dad I still see him and keep in touch. If anything we get on better because more effort is required.
So yes I believe it's possible based on my dad but he has no bio kids so maybe that's the difference.

Ohpulltheotherone · 18/04/2021 22:58

Cross post with your latest update.

It sounds like you have some concerns - it doesn’t sound like the love factor so much as interest and genuine care for your son that you want confirmed.

Sure if you’re sitting in a room with a young child you would expect some interaction.
If it’s an occasional thing then perhaps your DP just finds kids a bit hard work sometimes (surely we all do occasionally) but if it’s part of a bigger issue then you’re right to be questioning it

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 22:59

Okay maybe I worded it badly, I’m not expecting OH to love my DC like their own biological child but just to be a good friend figure to them at least. They barely speak though. My DC is happy doing their own thing and OH says there isn’t a lot to work with as DC doesn’t really say much.

OP posts:
HareIsland · 18/04/2021 22:59

Of course you can. People adopt children who are not biologically theirs every day. But what you’re asking about is different. Your partner didn’t choose your child, who is only in his life because of his relationship with you, and would have no claim to see your child again if you broke up.

My sister was a very loving stepmother-figure to the two young children from her partner’s previous marriage, but when he left her for another woman after five years, he didn’t even let her say goodbye to the children, whom she’s never seen again. She’s now in a relationship of several years with another man who has two children, but she is being much more guarded.

Presumably your child has an extant father? Is he involved?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 18/04/2021 22:59

I mean the 80s/90s were different in terms of expectation of blended families, but it never seemed to matter to us to have a bond with a step parent. As long as they were nice (and not all were) that was enough for us

Original poster
SeekingSomethin · 18/04/2021 23:00

@AnneLovesGilbert yes and DC adores dad

OP posts:
Pinchoftums · 18/04/2021 23:00

I am loving to and love DSS but not as much as my blood DC. However if I was his sole Mum and not his stepmum I think it would be very different.

I ALWAYS make and effort with him and make him feel special and at home in his home.

Pinchoftums · 18/04/2021 23:02

By sole mum I mean if his Mum had died or was not on the scene. But she is so he doesn't need a replacement mum

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 18/04/2021 23:02

I think it may be better to adjust your expectations OP rather than try and force anything. Single families are often sold the Brady Bunch style blended families dream but in reality, these are two people connected only through you and it's pot luck if there's a bond or not.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/04/2021 23:02

If he isn't making any effort to bond with the DC it sucks.
If you get involved with someone with DC you have to accept them as a package.
I don't think I could live with someone who mad no effort.
You're not expecting much.

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