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Original poster

Isn’t sex over rated ?

161 replies

SadFlower98 · 09/04/2021 10:55

Sure it’s lovely in the beginning of a relationship

But other times it’s just a bit meh

Anyone else agree ?

OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 09/04/2021 17:10

*Am I allowed to titter at 'no one size fits all' ? Grin

supermoonrising · 09/04/2021 17:12

I think it might not be

yellowdenim · 09/04/2021 17:13

@Tal45

Been with OH 23 years, when we're feeling really connected it's very hot. It's all about connection and how much effort is being put into the relationship IMO. I had a lot of years where not much effort was put in (emotionally) and there was no real connection and I just wasn't that bothered, could take it or leave it. I need that connection for it to be really good, I'm not some who can separate emotion and sex.
This
Sarahtrue11 · 09/04/2021 17:13

For me it is not that sex is boring, it is about the threat of violence that comes with it.

With sex, we are making ourselves be naked and alone with some one who is physically more powerful than us, and can do what they want to us.

I have had long term boyfriends in the past who pushed me into sex when i didnt want it, and I have had boyfriends in the past who physically did things to me, even though I told them not to.

There is a lot more threat to the woman in that situation. That is what puts me off sex. how do you really know what a man will do.

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 17:16

I must be odd then as I’ve been single for 4 years and having sex with random guys is a reason I’m staying single as I hate the thought. I much prefer one partner, maybe I’m just weird 🤷‍♀️

babbaloushka · 09/04/2021 17:18

I used to feel the same, didn't enjoy it that much and mostly did it performatively, however I then got a vibrator and worked out what made me feel good and it honestly was a game changer.

Won't be the same for everyone, of course, but if you haven't tried it I do recommend.

Sarahtrue11 · 09/04/2021 17:22

I think the porn culture has also made sex become a terrible thing.

I would love to have caring, respectful loving sex with a man. That is what sex is naturally. porn has taught men to be sexually violent, and to be selfish.

The amount of men I have been with who thought it was ok to hurt my breasts, hit me, force me to something I didn't want to do, and only care about their orgasm is a lot.

What woman is going to want to have sex like that?

I need to find a good kind man, I hope he is out there

widthofacircle · 09/04/2021 17:32

Sarahtrue11 I'm heartbroken to hear that your experiences have so coloured your views of sex, what you've endured is terrible and wrong, and in my view criminal because without consent freely given with no coercion it's rape let's be clear about that.
My wife has always known that she can say no, that she's not a possession, that there is no right to sex, that is how it is, how we both want it to be, I grew up in a home with lots of domestic abuse and violence, I swore to always be the opposite of what I saw, to be kind and gentle. You are right about porn, none of it in its portrayal of sex between men and women is about anything other than the mans gratification with the woman just a body to use and abuse, it's sick and dangerous because those without discernment or decency see this as a template for sexual relations.
There are many decent, loving and kind men out there, there really are.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/04/2021 17:43

@MrsPsmalls

'it's a silent heartache for me knowing that I will probably, very likely to be honest, never have sex again. I'm 49. It was such a wonderful aspect of being alive. It is so bloody life-affirming, sex is. It is soul food for a relationship! So, not having it at all... well I can't even write about it or I'll get all upset' Absolutely none of this is true for me!! Just cant relate at all, although not denying your experience at all. I just cant be bothered with it. It is not life affirming in anyway (for me). Its somewhat boring, however good it is. There are scores of things I would rather do. It does not make feel connected to a person, I feel much more connected after a good chat. In most cases I would much rather do something intellectually challenging like reading/gaming/discussing. I am also bloody good at it tho I say so myself. Orgasms achieved every time - God I cant imagine doing it ever, if I didn't even achieve that! DH really likes it which to be honest I struggle to understand! Whilst its not terrible, and it has its place in a well rounded life. For me its in the same category as running. Whilst I can enjoy a good run and I am actually good at it, it is not something I ever particularly want to do! And boo to all the patronising gits who think we are doing something wrong if we don't like it. Some people don't like chocolate for gods sake. Are they eating it wrong?
And boo to all the patronising gits who think we are doing something wrong if we don't like it. Some people don't like chocolate for gods sake. Are they eating it wrong?

This.

Sarahtrue11 · 09/04/2021 17:46

@widthofacircle

Sarahtrue11 I'm heartbroken to hear that your experiences have so coloured your views of sex, what you've endured is terrible and wrong, and in my view criminal because without consent freely given with no coercion it's rape let's be clear about that. My wife has always known that she can say no, that she's not a possession, that there is no right to sex, that is how it is, how we both want it to be, I grew up in a home with lots of domestic abuse and violence, I swore to always be the opposite of what I saw, to be kind and gentle. You are right about porn, none of it in its portrayal of sex between men and women is about anything other than the mans gratification with the woman just a body to use and abuse, it's sick and dangerous because those without discernment or decency see this as a template for sexual relations. There are many decent, loving and kind men out there, there really are.
Ah thank you. That is such a lovely post. I really appreciate it. Thanks so much.
therocinante · 09/04/2021 17:47

Not for me. Having better sex each year my marriage continues - the frequency varies, and of course there are times when we're so tired with big work projects that it might be lazy mutual masturbation or what we call 'transaction sex' (pull whatever clothes to one side, quick & dirty, no kissing, fulfils a need haha) rather than a full on session, but it's very important for us, both as a physical release (see the no-kissing quickies) and for the intimacy and closeness (all the rest).

But we're lucky that we're very compatible - we went through a longish period of illness for us both consecutively where we had much much less sex and our relationship was fine obviously, but we're both glad that's ended now.

Famproblems1 · 09/04/2021 17:48

I can't be bothered with it myself.

CarolinaWeeper · 09/04/2021 17:56

I think for me it's a habit thing, the more I have it the more I want it and the less I have it the less I'm bothered!

Thefaceofboe · 09/04/2021 18:15

i think for me it's a habit thing, the more I have it the more I want it and the less I have it the less I'm bothered!

100% this for me too! When I have it I think wow let’s do that every night but if we don’t for a few days I’m like nah Grin

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/04/2021 18:18

Aeons ago, the 60-ish widowed friend of my 60-ish student landlady told me that unlike her friend, she’d never get married again, because, ‘I never did take to the upstairs work.’ 😂

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 09/04/2021 18:53

@Sarahtrue11

I think the porn culture has also made sex become a terrible thing.

I would love to have caring, respectful loving sex with a man. That is what sex is naturally. porn has taught men to be sexually violent, and to be selfish.

The amount of men I have been with who thought it was ok to hurt my breasts, hit me, force me to something I didn't want to do, and only care about their orgasm is a lot.

What woman is going to want to have sex like that?

I need to find a good kind man, I hope he is out there

Don't give up! I'm lucky that I'm surrounded by decent men, my dad, brother and dh are kind & respectful towards women. I talk openly with my close friends and they all have partners that are loving and giving in bed. They're a decent bunch of men!

I'm sorry you have had such sad experiences, you deserve better and hopefully you will find someone who deserves you! Thanks

dotdashdashdash · 09/04/2021 18:57

I orgasm easily, I orgasm every time we have sex, I love my husband, I fancy the pants off him, he's good in bed.

But I'd still be happy if we never had sex again.

MiddayMadDog · 09/04/2021 19:03

Its a young person's hobby

What do you mean by young? My sex drive increased massively in my mid-40s and is still going strong in my late 40s. I used to be confused by why I had a sex drive but never really enjoyed the actual sex. Thank fuck I have finally found a guy who gives me an experience of sex that matches my anticipation of sex. As PP said, that's because he actually cares about my sexual pleasure, he gets off on it so has obviously bothered to learn his craft in that area.

Sarahtrue11 · 09/04/2021 19:11

When are we going to see that monogamy is a way to chain women to one man.

That is why you often hear about men getting married, but still being with other women. Marriage was to stop women being with other men. It is not natural at all.

blowinahoolie · 09/04/2021 19:33

@Thefaceofboe

i think for me it's a habit thing, the more I have it the more I want it and the less I have it the less I'm bothered!

100% this for me too! When I have it I think wow let’s do that every night but if we don’t for a few days I’m like nah Grin

That's exactly how I feel about it.
MiddayMadDog · 09/04/2021 20:02

@Sarahtrue11

When are we going to see that monogamy is a way to chain women to one man.

That is why you often hear about men getting married, but still being with other women. Marriage was to stop women being with other men. It is not natural at all.

I think the life pairing thing is probably the other way around. In species where raising young is difficult, the male and female pair up to raise the young. Human children are unusual in taking such a long time to reach maturity. That is a huge burden for the mother to do alone. Not to mention the tax that pregnancy and breastfeeding puts on the mother. From a evolutionary perspective, we probably 'pair bond' to ensure the child and mother get the support they need to survive and thrive.

And married women have affairs too. Its really not the male preserve that popular perception would have us believe

Sceptre86 · 09/04/2021 20:08

Nope. You must be doing it wrong.Wink

Diemme · 09/04/2021 20:10

I wonder if way more people are asexual than we realise. I now know that I am but I didn't for years. It's not spoken about much so I just didn't consider it. I assumed I just had a very low sex drive. But I've literally never wanted sex with another person. I'm capable of going through the motions but only have the lie back and think of England variety.

NutellaEllaElla · 09/04/2021 20:13

I think it's far more likely that there is a spectrum of amount/intensity of sexual desire. I don't know why it's so hard for people to believe.

Sarahtrue11 · 09/04/2021 20:16

I also think that women were told by men that sex was a very casual thing to do, when actually it is a very, very serious thing, who you let enter your body.

I remember reading this paragraph in a spiritual book, it was saying that women used to know how important sex is, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, as well as physically, but in recent times they have forgotten.

The paragraph said "If women knew the amount of energy that was exchanged during sex, they would be very, very careful about who they have sex with"

So for example you should be very choosy not to have sex with some one who has any abusive traits, does drugs, is not taking care of himself, because we will take a lot of energy from that man, if we have sex with them.