If it was your wedding, would you mind..

[BrilliantBetty]

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

With the further info, you are totally reasonable and the bride is being selfish and unthinking for calling you silly. You aren't silly. A 2yo and a 6yo could reasonably be left with a well-known babysitter for a few hours, or with a less-well-known babysitter for a couple of hours. The distance and duration of this event make it unfeasible for you to go. You are perfectly reasonable not to want to attend without DH. Your family, at the moment while the kids are small, are basically an all-or-nothing deal. She is quite at liberty to say the kids are not welcome at her event but she has no right to therefore expect you to make childcare arrangements that don't suit you in order to attend. If what is important to her is enabling her favourite people to attend then the onus is on her to make that easy for the invitees. If she has higher priorities than that which make things difficult for invitees then she has to accept there will be fewer guests. Your concern about setting a precedent to be regularly abandoned with the kids as each of you DHs mates get hitched is also extremely valid.

We had everyone at our wedding but when a guest at ours had theirs didn't invite my children. So none of us went. Depends what is more important. I'm still really annoyed my friend didn't bother to tell me she wasn't coming. She told my MIL days before and she and dh to be decided not to tell me .

Or you could be my now ex friend and pretend you hadn't spoken about the child free event and bring your 2 bloody dc anyway.

Ask your friend what solution she has that you haven't thought of.. But if like you say there are weddings ahead why not take turns with dh and go to alternate ones? Having dc can't make you have to stay home until they hit teens..

We had a child free wedding apart from nieces & nephews because had we invited everyone’s children it would have been an extra 50 places! We did say that if they really couldn’t find child care, children could come, but we could not be providing anything for children. All our guests jumped at the chance of a child free day and whilst some had to leave early and miss the evening, we accepted that. We also said that babies were no issue as there seemed to be a lot of babies born in our circle early 2012!

The problem is that a 2 & 6 year old aren’t easy company in an adult setting, & it will completely change the dynamic of the day for anyone sitting near you as it’s much harder to have adult conversations with a six year old listening in a 2 year old being 2.

@Zancah

It was a very close friend, Dh also in groom party, we couldn't not attend.

Yes it was expensive, but OP said it was a close friend, and that was what we did in our experience to ensure we could attend a non child wedding!

Merely offering a reasonable alternative should the Op very much wanted to attend like I had!

@Aprilshowersandhail l was at a wedding where someone did that: just rocked up with their 3 children! They had nowhere to sit and l doubt they had any food

If it’s a really close friend, surely you treat them as family ?

We got married mid 30’s when many of our friends had more than one child. So we asked our closest friends with children whether or not we should invite their children and they all had childcare on tap and all without question asked us not to invite their children.

However, when a couple of DH’s younger friends that he knew through a sport invited us without our DC a few years later (DH went on his own as we didn’t have childcare on tap so I didn’t go).

If you choose a childfree wedding you have to accept that not all friends with children will be able to attend. Weddings are expensive so in this current climate some of your friends may have had a large drop earnings and they may not be able to afford a new out fit, alcohol, hen do, present, transport etc etc.

As above if you choose a child free wedding you have to accept that some people will not be able to make it or will choose not to.
If it's a close friend she may be cross that you are allowing family children but not hers.

It was a very close friend, Dh also in groom party, we couldn't not attend.

Yes, you can always not attend. Decline being in the wedding party or drop out when you find out it's childfree.

@BrilliantBetty

I am the guest that is finding childcare to be a pain.

The bride is a close family friend and has invited my parents, who are usually who we would ask to babysit but they will be at the wedding themselves. They have known bride since she was born & are excited about the wedding (well DM is).

DH could ask his DF to babysit but since FIl has never looked after the DC before I think he'd struggle alone looking after a 2yo & 6yo for a full day & evening.
We don't have anyone else.

It is about 2 hours away & in the countryside.

I personally don't feel comfortable using an unknown babysitter from the internet. I don't leave the DC regularly.

When I told bride we may not be able to attend she said 'that's just silly'.

The only one being silly is her.

Be prepared for her to stop massively though. Some people get ridiculous over weddings.

I have a cousin who was one of my closest friends growing up. We were part of the same close knit friendship group so all of our mutual friends were at her wedding.

She met her husband at my birthday party. He was my cousin on the other side of my family. So both sides of my family were at the wedding.

She and I lived in a small village and my in-laws were friends with her parents so they were also invited.

She didn’t speak to me for over 10 years because I could “always find a babysitter for a night out, but didn’t bother for her wedding”. They were all at the wedding! Our relationship has never, and will never, been the same.

It sort of sets a precedent... and one of us (which will turn in to being me) stays home to look after DC
presumably your parents wouldn't be at any other of your friends and DH's friends weddings, so this makes little sense?

It depends on the variables. If it's local and the person has a lot of people to support with childcare it's a bit shit. If the wedding is away or childcare is difficult then what can you do?

DH and me were invited to a wedding - not a child free one, but our children were not invited. The timings and location meant we would have to leave them over 2 meal times and bedtime - there was no way our usual babysitter could have done it, no family to help. So DH - it was his friend's wedding - said he'd go but not me. His friend called and made such a fuss with me about me not going, really laid it on. Which considering this was a man who had half the amount of kids we do and when they were little had a series of au pairs and his MIL living with him possibly why the need for a second marriage I'm not sure I've seen him since, because he was such a twat about it.

Yanbu. There are lots of variables (kids age, availability of childcare, how often you leave them) but it comes down to the fact that you don't have people available whom you are comfortable leaving your kids with so that's that. You can't go.

The fact your friend says "that's just silly" is ridiculous - does she have kids?

I would explore going alone though - it needn't set a precedent because presumably your parents will be available future occasions and the default is you both go to weddings when you have childcare in place?

I saw your updates. I would just go yourself. I don't see the issue with your husband going to weddings too (or you could both go to some of those weddings if your parents are happy to babysit).

We don't have local childcare and if we didn't see our friends separately on some weekends we'd never get a proper break but we've never been the kind of couple to need to do everything together.

I'd think it was fair enough, appreciating difficulties of childcare - I think if one says no kids, one may have to be prepared for people not to come. I appreciate adding kids can make weddings impossibly big/expensive if a lot of your mates have them. When we got married, our mates only had about 6 kids between them - if we'd got married a few years later, adding kids would have meant a lot more guests!

I'd just go along with your parents as well it would probably be a nice day to be able to have a nice catch up with them/eat a meal in peace without dc's.

As a previous poster says even if your DH's friends do get married in the future chances are your parents would be able to mind them then?

I think it's unfair you will allow family children there but not a very good friends child?

@AfternoonToffee

If someone decides on a child free wedding then they have to accept that some people with children will be unable to attend.

This , exactly

Go on your own .
Sorry can't getting that you don't want a set a president for DH being able to go to his own friends wedding and enjoy him self with his friends while you look after your kids if you were stuck for a baby sitter

Thats what I'd do but I don't begrudge DW enjoying herself

If the children were too young for babysitters or the regular babysitters were unavailable, I would completely understand your absence.

I would never expect someone to leave their child with anyone other than a trusted babysitter. I would never just hire someone at some for my own children.

Seeing your update, YABU. If the friend is close and your DH can look after kids then that's what you should do. It sounds like you don't want to go, which is fine, but her wedding clearly is not that important to you then.

I'd be fine with it. If I really wanted them to attend I'd remove all barriers and allow their kids.

Finding someone to have your kids all day and evening can be really hard.

Well, you can go to the wedding, its just you dont want to go without dh. That's a different issue.

Its up to you, but the real reason is to avoid dh having lots of weddings and parties without you if you can't find childcare, and that is a lame excuse. It does feel like she's less important to you than winning future arguments with your dh. (Which might not even be an issue if dhs friends invite children to their weddings or your parents are free to babysit on those dates).

I do wonder if the bride would have put your parents above you on the wedding guest list? Or even invited them if it wasn't for her friendship with you?