Page 2 | If it was your wedding, would you mind..

BrilliantBetty · 2021-04-07T16:24:26+00:00

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family. Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

expectopelargonium · 07/04/2021 17:51

If it is one of those 'in the middle of nowhere and takes hours to get there so you have to pay a fortune and stay over' weddings then forget it.

If the dc are too small to be left, then forget it.

If the only people available to babysit for you are also invited to the wedding, then forget it.

If it's less than an hour away and can go to the ceremony and the afternoon reception then leave, or it is an evening-only invite then I'd try and make it if at all possible, even if I only stayed a short while.

But if I couldn't go and the bride got the hump - tough shitski.

mindutopia · 07/04/2021 17:52

I would understand. I wouldn’t have a child free wedding if I had friends with kids who I definitely wanted to be able to attend. I’ve missed several close friends’ weddings because they were childfree and required significant travel. Dh was best man in two of them so had to attend, so I was the one who had to stay home as in both cases our babies were very small (and we wouldn’t have had childcare even if they weren’t). One was a childfree destination wedding abroad. You’d think you wouldn’t opt for that if you know your wedding party have small children.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/04/2021 17:56

It depends on so many things- obviously a guest wouldn't want to leave a small breastfed baby, but if you don't have free childcare on tap, you can't leave a 10 year old alone for even an afternoon, and overnight is going to be difficult until any children are old enough to leave by themselves.
There's a limit to how far the bridal couple can expect a guest to compromise, especially if it's going to cost them a lot of money. Overnight babysitting fees would be very expensive, and if you are adding in the price of accommodation for the parents to attend the wedding, you may well find they can't afford it.
I do remember how tight things were when my DC were little, and that was with 2 of us working professional jobs - we couldn't have afforded to pay for overnight or even extra daytime childcare.
I think if the couple getting married really wanted particular guests to attend, they would be having a conversation with them about how best to facilitate that.

sadpapercourtesan · 07/04/2021 17:57

I despise child-free weddings, and wouldn't attend one. If the happy couple were offended; tough shit. Don't exclude an entire category of human being from your event, then.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 07/04/2021 17:59

I've not attended two weddings due to childcare. DH went alone both times.
Wedding 1... A month after DD2 was born. Couple fully understood that I couldn't commit to how I would feel.
Wedding 2... Short notice. We weren't living in the UK at the time. It cost DH £1k to attend as it was summer and we lived in a popular tourist destination, plus hotel etc. Apparently I was rude not coming. They also complained about the small gift as apparently it wasn't expensive enough

Good friends understand. Bad friends don't.

ColourfulElmerElephant · 07/04/2021 18:00

I’d think fair enough, especially right now in a pandemic with limited childcare options available to many.

RampantIvy · 07/04/2021 18:00

Is the OP going to come back and update the reason why she asked this question?

If it is a child free wedding, then using the excuse that you can't come because you have children and can't get childcare is not a lame excuse IMO. And any bride who thinks it is isn't a friend worth having.

ColourfulElmerElephant · 07/04/2021 18:01

@sadpapercourtesan

I despise child-free weddings, and wouldn't attend one. If the happy couple were offended; tough shit. Don't exclude an entire category of human being from your event, then.

Really, even right now when couples are so limited in numbers? You think a child of a friend, who they’ve possible had limited contact with, would be more important and worthy of attending than a grandparent or similar?

SummerInSun · 07/04/2021 18:03

Just as long as you aren't one of those women who is having to skip something you want to go to because your DH/DP claims to be incapable of looking after his own child for one day.

ImInStealthMode · 07/04/2021 18:06

If the organiser of any event has placed conditions on it that are likely to inconvenience their guests then they don't have the right to think it's a 'lame excuse' not to attend, wedding or not, close friend or not.

sadpapercourtesan · 07/04/2021 18:07

I do think coronavirus restrictions put a different complexion on it, yes - but child-free weddings have been fashionable for a lot longer than that. It's always been the case that numbers are limited and difficult choices have to be made, though. A blanket exclusion on a particular category of person is never going to be OK with me. And excluding children always puts guests in an invidious position and imposes more expense and inconvenience on them. It's rude and antisocial, and I choose not to entertain it.

drpet49 · 07/04/2021 18:08

* If the organiser of any event has placed conditions on it that are likely to inconvenience their guests then they don't have the right to think it's a 'lame excuse' not to attend, wedding or not, close friend or not.*

^Exactly this

RampantIvy · 07/04/2021 18:08

If the organiser of any event has placed conditions on it that are likely to inconvenience their guests then they don't have the right to think it's a 'lame excuse' not to attend, wedding or not, close friend or not

You have put that beautifully @ImInStealthMode

murbblurb · 07/04/2021 18:10

People should not get upset if wedding invites are politely refused. Your frilly frock day is not that important to others. When I was working a wedding seemed a waste of a nice sunny day.

madmara · 07/04/2021 18:12

I don't understand some of these responses. If you are not having a child-free wedding, does that mean that you accept that every adult that is invited will bring their children? You could end up with hundreds of children at your wedding! What age is the cut-off? Do people expect to bring their university age children to a wedding?

If a couple get a wedding invitation, do they presume that they can bring their children too? I would only bring my child if his name was on the invite. I have never been to a wedding where non-family children attended.

I consider a child-free wedding one that no children attend. In the OP's case though children in the bride and groom's family are invited so it's not a child free wedding.

GameSetMatch · 07/04/2021 18:13

It would seem genuine not an excuse, I had to miss my best friends wedding due to no childcare, I agree it’s the couples choice but they can’t then moan when people with children can’t go.

2bazookas · 07/04/2021 18:15

I'd the bridal couple had made their own bed and must lie in it.

Friend is perfectly within reason not to attend, in line with the limitations THEY imposed.

ShopTattsyrup · 07/04/2021 18:17

Broadly I wouldn't be annoyed if I were the bride and a guest couldn't attend becuase of Childcare ... unless it's a local wedding and two teenage kids etc. As a PP said ... then I would think they just didn't want to come and were making an excuse

daisypond · 07/04/2021 18:17

If a couple get a wedding invitation, do they presume that they can bring their children too? I would only bring my child if his name was on the invite. I have never been to a wedding where non-family children attended.

No, people don’t presume they can take their children along. Yes, if their name is on the invite. The vast majority of people will get childcare. Those that can’t, or don’t want to, generally don’t go to the wedding. There may be some exceptions for newborns etc. That’s generally how it goes in weddings I’ve attended.

Teardrop2021 · 07/04/2021 18:18

I had a child free wedding and my friends loved it we all had dc and only my two were invited but they were able to fully enjoy the day and have fun. In all honesty I love child free weddings so much more relaxed and can have fun..I hated attending family weddings with the kids because I couldn't fully enjoy myself being on edge if one made a noise.

JosephineBaker · 07/04/2021 18:18

If I chose to exclude my friends’ children I wouldn’t mind if people decided not to come.

ImInStealthMode · 07/04/2021 18:20

@madmara The children would be invited if their names are on the invite like for anything else?

I think as a guest / close friend I'd be even more put out by a 'family children only' rule. As if family children are silent and beautifully mannered and it's only the non-family ones who might yelp during the ceremony, get chocolate on the tablecloths or slide across the dance floor on their knees during the first dance.

No kids at all - Fine.
Only select kids (especially if you're then going to miffed by non-attendances) - A bit IMO

Original poster

BrilliantBetty · 07/04/2021 18:24

I am the guest that is finding childcare to be a pain.

The bride is a close family friend and has invited my parents, who are usually who we would ask to babysit but they will be at the wedding themselves. They have known bride since she was born & are excited about the wedding (well DM is).

DH could ask his DF to babysit but since FIl has never looked after the DC before I think he'd struggle alone looking after a 2yo & 6yo for a full day & evening.
We don't have anyone else.

It is about 2 hours away & in the countryside.

I personally don't feel comfortable using an unknown babysitter from the internet. I don't leave the DC regularly.

When I told bride we may not be able to attend she said 'that's just silly'.

OP posts:

dworky · 07/04/2021 18:27

If I were to have a child-free event, I would be aware of the risk of some not managing to attend due to childcare issues.

Losttheequipment · 07/04/2021 18:27

Can you go and leave the DC with DH?