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Original poster

If it was your wedding, would you mind..

409 replies

BrilliantBetty · 07/04/2021 17:24

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

OP posts:
ddl1 · 07/04/2021 19:33

Unless there were other reasons to think that the friend was looking for excuses not to attend the wedding (e.g. obvious dislike of the bridegroom), I would certainly accept the explanation!

daisypond · 07/04/2021 19:33

Then you go and DH stays at home with the DC.

MargosKaftan · 07/04/2021 19:34

Oh and you can attend. Its just you don't want to. And it is an invitation not a summons etc, but it is still a choice. You can go and leave your dc with dh. You just don't want to. And that is hurtful for a friend to realise.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 07/04/2021 19:36

Seems you invite kids from family so it’s not really a child free wedding. Maybe by excluding your friend's child, she does not think you really see her as that close? If I invite other kids in the family, I would definitely invite the kids of some of my closest friends too. Am closer to my best friends than some more distant family members though. Just offering another perspective. It's your wedding afterall so you can invite whoever you please.

RampantIvy · 07/04/2021 19:38

@EL8888

Bit lame would be my thinking but I wouldn’t query it. Their choice. I would wonder if they were being huffy about their children not being invited to the wedding. I know some people get wound up by that
Are you the bride?

Of course it isn't lame Hmm
Her childcare will be at the wedding. Not everyone has loads of childcare options as you clearly do.

36degrees · 07/04/2021 19:41

I was invited to a child free wedding 8 hours' round trip away. Very close friend, really wanted to go, especially because they had put themselves out a bit to get to ours. 2 days' minimum stay at the hotel at £300 a night and we couldn't find a babysitter who would work for 72 hours straight - nor did we want to, in the end. We offered to pay extra for a child place but it wasn't an option. My friend's parents even offered to do shifts with us in the hotel but they wouldn't put an extra bed in the room so it would have required buying 2 rooms. We had cancelled a booked holiday in NY when we got the save the date as well, not knowing at that point it was child free - we thought they would have said.

Bloody nightmare all round. Somehow we're still very good friends!

JudesBiggestFan · 07/04/2021 19:41

I think the modern trend for treating weddings like something from hello magazine rather than inclusive family events is awful. It's never ok to make everyone else source childcare, travel miles, pay for extortionate drinks, just so you can afford an Uber fancy venue and pretend you're a Kardashian for the day. Children make a wedding! I particularly hate it when people act like they're doing me a favour, rather than just being tight. So no...my wedding everyone was welcome. Lots chose not to bring their kids cos they wanted a night off, but they would always be welcome. I'm amazed more people don't turn don't these invitations...seems to me the courtesy only runs one way.

greenlynx · 07/04/2021 19:42

I think she’s unreasonable one. You don’t have childcare available - end of story. I’m sure you would love to go to her wedding. Yes, some people might go without their partner but it’s irrelevant. People do things differently, some people even invite children to their wedding...

Weepingwillows12 · 07/04/2021 19:42

One thing we did when the kids were little is to book a small house or cottage and brought mil with us. We went to the wedding and they had the kids but the time babysitting was more limited and we were closer if they were struggling. It's not a cheap option though. I also had friends who booked rooms in the venue, brought the kids but hired a babysitter to watch them in the room.

I think you need to see if fil would have them or not first. Really look at all options including your dh staying home. It wouldnt automatically exclude you going to his friends weddings as your normal childcare option will be available.

It sounds like your friend isnt going to take it well.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 07/04/2021 19:43

@FlibbertyGiblets

No because we all remember that a wedding invitation is not a summons.

If the couple wish to have a child free wedding then by the same token they understand that not everyone has or wants childcare for the occasion.

This.
Mylovelyhorsee · 07/04/2021 19:43

If there is no one else there is no one else. What can you do? Unless you bring FiL with you and put him up in the hotel so you can keep checking on them? Not sure how feasible this is though.

Leeds2 · 07/04/2021 19:44

I don't think you would be unreasonable declining an invitation when you couldn't get childcare. But, in this case, you have your DH and you could go with your parents so you wouldn't be in the position of knowing nobody there. Personally, I would judge your reasons for not leaving the DC with their father, as I think they are a bit pathetic and smack of someone who thinks that if they stamp their feet long enough the bride will relent, but I wouldn't say anything.

bowchicawowwow · 07/04/2021 19:47

Personally I love a child free wedding.

If you choose a child free wedding then I guess you have to accept that some people won't be able to attend. I only had an evening do and I did invite children, however it meant that some people I would have liked to invite couldn't be asked. I have a good friend with 4 children and a husband, her family group alone took up over 10% of my share of 50 spaces at the venue. All the people with kids had started leaving by 10 and it felt a bit flat after that. Plus the children totally took over the photo booth and no one else got much of a look in.

Kimye4eva · 07/04/2021 19:50

I’ve declined due to childcare before but only as an excuse when I didn’t want to go to the wedding anyway.

OP you have the option to go to the wedding. You can leave the children with their father. Don’t go if you don’t want to but it’s hardly childcare related. The bride doesn’t need to know that though.

Wizzbangfizz · 07/04/2021 19:53

Children haven't made any wedding I've ever been too! Ruining vows, running bored and reckless around the venue tripping up waiting staff, tired exhausting crying towards the end and the parents having to leave when the party is getting started! The only one I've ever been too where it worked was when the bride and groom had arranged a nanny service and a diff room with diff entertainment and food to the adult guests which obviously isn't within the budget of most.

caringcarer · 07/04/2021 19:53

Of no children allowed and friend has child what is she supposed to do with child for the day? Nursery not open at weekend. If you really want her to attend let her bring her child.

XingMing · 07/04/2021 19:54

We had a tiny child-free wedding, for 12 guests, but we organised childcare for my sister and sister-in-law, at our house because they had travelled a long way to attend. The LOs had a lovely day of picnic, pets and party, and so did their parents. Just different days.

ConnieCaterpillar70 · 07/04/2021 19:54

Allowing some children but not others is a dick move. For that reason alone I wouldn't go.

She's no friend OP if she's invited your parents and knows you won't have childcare.

HDready · 07/04/2021 19:54

Until your last post I was going to say fair enough, but actually it just sounds like you don’t want to go and this is a convenient excuse. You have no childcare for this particular wedding as your parents are invited too. Will they be going with your husband to all his friends’ future weddings too?

TuvoknotSpock · 07/04/2021 19:56

Yabu as your DH could stay home and look after them. You just don't want him having reciprocal fun on his own!

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2021 19:57

She’s rude and dismissive. Is she usually a self-centred princess or is this behaviour wedding specific?

I wouldn’t go. If she huffs and it damages the relationship it’s on her.

GertrudeTheGreat · 07/04/2021 19:58

I'd be fine with it. As pps have said, if you want a child free wedding, (understandable), you have go accept that some people may not be able to attend.

Same goes for weddings abroad.

Vierty · 07/04/2021 19:59

I would be offended but then none of my close friends are in a position where they couldn’t get childcare. However, if they couldn’t I would have to get on with it

Embroideredstars · 07/04/2021 20:01

I wouldn't have a child free wedding, but I think if people do they should accept that not all guests will attend.

I wouldn't got to a child free wedding as I'd have no one I could leave the children with.

MrsAvocet · 07/04/2021 20:01

People often say in this kind of discussion that the bride and groom have the right to have whoever they want at the wedding. But they don't really. They have the right to decide who they don't want to attend.
There's nothing wrong with them wanting a child free wedding but there is also nothing wrong with you declining the invitation. It only becomes an issue if one party doesn't respect the other's wishes and start trying to push them into changing their minds.
If a couple don't want or can't afford to invite children that is their prerogative but it's surely obvious that that means some people will be unable or unwilling to attend?
Decide what you want to do and stick to it. If you decide not to go I would just send a message thanking them for their kind invitation but politely declining. Don't get drawn into an argument.

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