If it was your wedding, would you mind..

[BrilliantBetty]

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

Stick to your guns, Brilliant. It's an invitation, not a court summons. Fuck tying yourself in knots to get to someone's wedding.

It's to be expected; parents have to put their children first, and if that means they can't attend a "no children" wedding then the bride and groom have to accept that! We had a no children except family children wedding and fully expected some to be unable to come. It was the price we paid. Fortunately they wanted a day off from the littles and were able to get childcare, but I wouldn't expect it.

I've had to say no to a wedding this year as the wedding is 2h drive away and the bride didn't want children. I'll have a 3 month old and 4yr old by then. I can leave the 4yo with grandparents but can't leave the 3m old, so I'm not going. She understands entirely.

I find child free weddings inconsiderate so i wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t even feel bad about it given her comment about being silly.

@EL8888

Bit lame would be my thinking but I wouldn’t query it. Their choice. I would wonder if they were being huffy about their children not being invited to the wedding. I know some people get wound up by that

How is it lame though if the OP can't find reliable childcare?

Just send a decline card and don't get into reasons. We didn't go to a couple of weddings because we had nobody nearby to mind the kids. Family lived 3 hours away and I wasn't willing to travel to drop the kids to them. Nor would I have expected them to travel to us to mind them. One wedding was a friend and one was a family member. We sent a decline card, didn't give any reason. I didn't give it a second thought and certainly didn't care if the couple were wondering why we couldn't go. People need to realise that their wedding day isn't the be all and end all for everyone else. It's nice to be invited but they shouldn't be put out if people decline.

If someone decides on a child free wedding then they have to be prepared for people with children to not turn up - whoever they are.

You don't need to give a specific reason for not attending. You send a nice card saying "I'm sorry we won't be able to attend your wedding. Love and best wishes to you both".

The wedding of a close friend is very different to the wedding of a family friend's daughter.

@miltonj

It depends. In most circumstances I think it's a really lame excuse. Just because you're a mum doesn't mean you can't do anything without your kids. I'd think you just didn't want to come so were using kids as a cover.

However if a child is a young breast fed baby or has extra needs or you're a single parent/genuinely try to find someone to watch them and can't, then fair enough.

Maybe they prioritise being with their kids over a wedding? Why should anyone put themselves out to find childcare? British weddings are so bloody long, too. I find them boring, personally.

@UnsolicitedDickPic some notice has been given before the wedding and one of them could go? I’m probably a bad person to ask as l was once invited a wedding, my fiancé wasn’t and l went without him. Neither of us cared, no offence to the bride or groom. My fiancé didn’t know them and we respected they had limited numbers. I’m also a bad person to as lm not a fan of children at weddings. Last week my fiancé asked his best friend to be best man, he agreed but then suggested we marry where he lives abroad. Hmm no. Then he mentioned bringing his toddlers and staying at our house -double no!

I got married a few months ago and I had to specify no children other than my own, as because of covid restrictions we were very limited on how many guests could attend. I didn't want all my spaces taken up with people's kids when it meant other family and friends couldn't attend. Of course I understood that those friends with children were unable to attend, it was just one of those things that I had to compromise on.

@ImInStealthMode where I'm from in Ireland, 200 guests would be an average sized wedding so friends would never expect that their children would be invited.

Excluding family children often does cause problems though.

I think you're being really precious saying you don't want to attend without your DH. It's the obvious solution and presumably your parents won't be invited to every single other wedding going forward so can mind your kids then. If the bride is a close friend I'm sure there will be other people at the wedding who you know. Seems like you're looking for reasons not to attend.

@jellyteeth

I think you're being really precious saying you don't want to attend without your DH. It's the obvious solution and presumably your parents won't be invited to every single other wedding going forward so can mind your kids then. If the bride is a close friend I'm sure there will be other people at the wedding who you know. Seems like you're looking for reasons not to attend.

She says she'd be the one at home with the kids whilst he swanned off, and it would happen a lot. So I don't blame her for nipping that in the bud.

It's either child free or not, I wouldn't dream of inviting family children and not close friends kids and as the friend I'd be rethinking how close the friendship is.

I had a child free wedding due to numbers and there were no kids invited, family or friends, they were all invited to the evening reception though when we could increase the numbers.

Hi, no I wouldn’t see it as a lame excuse. All invitations are just that.
There’s so many factors at play such as how close by is the wedding, is an overnight stay required, what childcare options do you have if any, what other family pressures are at play.
When my son was little, we both worked full-time, therefore he was with childminder every day during the week so weekends he was with us fully - we would never have worked a full week and then been able to or wanted to go to a weekend wedding even if we did find childcare. Again no way would we have asked family to have him.
Your friend may have many reasons and not being able to go shouldn’t affect your friendship at all.

I’d accept it. Many people don’t have childcare available for whenever they might want it.

If your FIL is trustworthy to keep them safe, and is willing and handy then I think I might go with that, if you’d like to go.

If that’s no good I’d just decline.

Depends on the location, if near their home and the child isn't a baby then it should be fine to get a sitter for at least the daytime but if they need to travel or the child is under 3 it can be very hard. If you say child free it should be no exceptions though, a really good friend might be pretty annoyed if your cousins kid is there!

@TristantheTyrannosaurus yes that's fine if that's the way they feel! Some people enjoy weddings, socialising and others don't! I'm just saying I would assume if it was my wedding it's obviously and excuse because they don't want to come.

My SIL decided to have a child free wedding 2 weeks before the day, despite having said dc were invited. I had a few issues:

I had a breastfed baby
Everybody I knew was going to the wedding so no childcare anyway
My brother and sil also had a breastfed baby who was going
On the day, it turned out they'd invited some friends' children as "we're close and they're a tight family unit"

I couldn't work out any way of attending the whole day and in the end, they relented and let me bring dd. SIL scowled at me all day, I wasn't in a single photo and sil maintains I ruined her wedding.

DD was perfectly quiet all day, asleep by 7.30pm and snoozed in a pram in the corner, behind a huge pot plant where they couldn't even see her.

Ps my kids came to plenty of weddings, we refused any no kids ones

@TristantheTyrannosaurus so she's refusing to go to her friends wedding solo in case her husband gets to go to future events without her even though her parents who usually mind the kids won't be at said future events? Seems like a lame excuse to me

Personally I used to love a child-free wedding when we had small children! In your situation, if I really wanted to go to the wedding, I would probably line up a baby sitter from somewhere like sitters.co.uk to be with your FIL, so the children have a familiar face and he has support with the running around after small children. Might that be an option?

It’s a child free wedding, apart from ‘kids in the family’…. Ooft, goooood luck with that!

If you have a childfree wedding - and I would - you have to accept that some people can''t/won't come. If your friend's presence means so much to you, then treat her as family.

Yep, this.