Page 16 | If it was your wedding, would you mind..

BrilliantBetty · 2021-04-07T16:24:26+00:00

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family. Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

ShutUpaYourFace · 09/04/2021 10:00

My DP and I went to a wedding once, we were told no children. I had literally had baby a few weeks before but it was local and my DP parents were happy to have our baby for the afternoon/evening. The groom was a work colleague of my DP so I didn't know him very well or his wife. When we got to the reception there were loads of children there, including a newborn baby sat at the same table as us. I was extremely pissed off. Hence to say we ate our food and left. I understand the couple with the baby may have been actual family and I made the choice to go but to have another newborn so close made me feel sick. I just wanted my baby.
The company they worked for closed down shortly after and we haven't seen them since. I hear they now have children. I wonder if their attitude has changed!

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2021 10:28

@seepingweeping

Don't go and say you've no childcare.

Both my siblings decided on a child free wedding. I wasn't allowed to bring my 1 year old so I didn't go. My parents were attending and my in laws arnt able.

She does have childcare, she has a husband!

AryaStarkWolf · 09/04/2021 10:30

@Crazycrazylady

If it was a good friend I'd go myself. I think your reason for not wanting your dh to stay at home sounds slightly daft tbh. I am Irish though as it's only even immediate family kids who go to weddings so to me it's bonkers to expect to your kids to be invited too.

Yeah, this only ever seems to be a big issue in the UK as far as I can see. It's kind of always assumed only families kids are invited to weddings here. Most are happy to get the break away from the kids for a night

Localocal · 09/04/2021 10:31

@katy1213

If you have a childfree wedding - and I would - you have to accept that some people can''t/won't come. If your friend's presence means so much to you, then treat her as family.

Exactly this.

Localocal · 09/04/2021 10:34

Depends on the age of the children, distance from the wedding location, availability of childcare, etc. If you have a month old baby and it's a destination wedding, then it's one thing. If your kids are 10 and 12 and it's less than an hour's drive away, then it's the other.

Helspopje · 09/04/2021 10:38

Nope
I’d not attend either

MummyJ12 · 09/04/2021 10:46

Agree with a lot of the previous posters on here, it’s fine for friends to want a child-free wedding. It’s a choice that people are increasingly making. But then the couple have to realise that people may choose to or have to decline because of this too.
We had a child-free wedding but none of our friends had children anyway so it wasn’t an issue. We have also attended child-free weddings when we have had to have our little ones looked after. To be honest, I preferred that too, weddings aren’t fun for kids usually. It meant that we could relax and enjoy the day instead of keeping ds and dd quiet, entertained and well behaved for a full day! (An impossible mission!) it’s hard if child care is an issue but I would really try heaven and earth to attend a close friend or relatives wedding even if it wasn’t for the full thing.

readingismycardio · 09/04/2021 10:46

After what she said I wouldn't go anyway. We never meant for our wedding to be childfree but guests were super happy for a child free day! We only had 2 children (niece & nephew!)

Helspopje · 09/04/2021 10:56

I’m really surprised at the preference for child free as guests
To me weddings are a family and community celebration of the couple, and that includes kids

Sidewalksue · 09/04/2021 11:22

@readingismycardio

After what she said I wouldn't go anyway. We never meant for our wedding to be childfree but guests were super happy for a child free day! We only had 2 children (niece & nephew!)

People are super happy if they have free easy childcare. If they don’t it can either be impossible or cost a fortune.

MargosKaftan · 09/04/2021 11:33

@helspopje - it does come down to how you view a wedding - is it a family/community event (so distant family should be prioritised over friends if a guest list has to be limited, children attend and be central etc), or is it a couple making a commitment to each other and then throwing a party to celebrate.

If you dont see it as two families being united, but two people, then the party to celebrate being about them and more "grown up/adult focussed" makes sense.

Thr problem in my mind is when wider families expect it to be the former, yet expect the couple getting married to be paying for the wedding.

MoiraNotRuby · 09/04/2021 11:36

I went to great lengths to attend my close friend's child free wedding. It was very complicated but I managed it. A few years later she had babies of her own and once realising how much of an ask it was, she was really apologetic about her decision.

The key thing is, she is a wonderful friend and we're both happy to do anything for each other. So it really didn't matter.

stayathomer · 09/04/2021 11:59

The deal here is whoever knows whoever is getting married best goes. My mindset has totally changed wrt weddings over the years. I hugeLy regret ones I missed just because the kids were a little sick and I felt too guilty to go (dh would have been fine, it was me) and the childfree ones I went to were epic fun!! You think kids at a wedding will be great but actually the dancing is generally when they're wrecked already, the speeches are long and there'stoo much sitting. Very different if a family member of course as they can go from table to table. People appreciate if you even just make it for a few hours- I'll never forget the sincerity in people's eyes thanking me for sharing in their special day and it is a privilege to be ask (all of this came with hindsight!!)

Sidewalksue · 09/04/2021 12:11

Just out of uni one of my friends got married. One of our slightly older friends had just had a baby a few days before the wedding. When they had rang to tell her the news she had asked ‘are you still coming’ they had said yes assuming she understood baby would be coming.
So they came hundreds of miles with tiny baby, baby never made a sound all day (mum looked knackered though) in a sling or in their room on site.
Bride pulled me aside and went nuts, saying they should have ‘left it with someone’. It was only when she had children herself a decade and was crying over leaving a 3 year old overnight that she realised what a dick she had been.
Some childless people will never understand what it’s like. Some people who have grandparents on tap will never understand what it’s like.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2021 12:27

@bemusedmoose

Child free weddings always have me puzzled - surely you invite people you want to be a part of your day, people you love and some of those people will have kids, which are a part of who they are and who you love... So to cut the kids out (and therefore the adults) is pretty harsh. I wouldnt go somewhere my kids weren't welcome and I don't like leaving them to go out (I miss them too much, worry too much and just don't have a good time so for me not worth it).

To have a wedding where some kids are allowed and not others is weird! If family kids are allowed - what's a few more? (plus they all get together and have a good time and entertain themselves a bit so it's all good).

I had busy bags at mine so they have fun things to do during the sit down boring bits and the rest of the time they danced and played. They were absolute angels the whole day.

It’s usually because of numbers

Venue have set numbers and obv cost

All bar 3 of my friends have kids

If they all bring numbers would be over 200

Think for most an extra 2/3 per couple

So if 30 couples that’s an extra 60:90 kids

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2021 12:28

Plus babies in arms are very different to toddlers

tisonlymeagain · 09/04/2021 13:12

All our friends have 2-3 kids each, that would be around 70-80 kids. I don't want a kids party for my wedding, shoot me. If people decide not to come then that's fair enough, I won't be offended whatsoever.

Elbels · 09/04/2021 13:19

People being puzzled by others choosing to have child free weddings

our venue has a capacity of 110 people comfortably
we have 100 friends and family we wanted to invite
if we included children that would bump the numbers up by 20 meaning we would have to remove adults that we're genuinely friends with
every friend I've spoken to with children has been delighted that they'll be child free for a day!

If you genuinely can't go, you can't go. Your friend will have to accept that but it feels like there is a solution with your husband staying home for this one.

tisonlymeagain · 09/04/2021 13:25

Even when my kids have been invited to a wedding, I've never taken them. I want to enjoy the day too. I don't think it's a lot of fun for kids anyhow.

RampantIvy · 09/04/2021 13:34

@Helspopje

I’m really surprised at the preference for child free as guests To me weddings are a family and community celebration of the couple, and that includes kids

But this is mumsnet, and mumsnetters have hundreds of friends and large families.

pedalbin · 09/04/2021 13:48

Never been to a wedding where non family children were invited and i think I've been to about 15 weddings. I'm in Ireland though and i think the wedding culture here is different to the UK and many other places.

RedactedTaeFeck · 09/04/2021 13:52

It's very much down to circumstances I think.

We had 44 at our daytime service and meal as that was the capacity and we included children in the invite for those guests. The evening event was in a larger venue and the evening guests were either older less close relatives (with grown up children) or young childless friends. i don't think there were any younger children to consider but I would have added them in if required/asked. The venue wasn't counting heads and it was a band/dance and a buffet so no need to count really. I think capacity was 150, we'd issued 120 invites and catered for 130 as DH had issued an open invitation to a group of his classmates on the friday before the wedding!

I like DC at weddings tbh. My own children attended their first wedding at age 16 and 17 but had been to 4 funerals by this point.

wellhellohi · 09/04/2021 13:54

We find it very tricky to attend family weddings. We have a son with severe autism and can only be left with a small number of people. So if family are going to the wedding we end up with no childcare. However, we do find people understanding and at times one of us is happy to go alone.

dotdashdashdash · 09/04/2021 18:18

@wellhellohi

We find it very tricky to attend family weddings. We have a son with severe autism and can only be left with a small number of people. So if family are going to the wedding we end up with no childcare. However, we do find people understanding and at times one of us is happy to go alone.

I have no issues with a child-free wedding, but I find it really, really annoying if the bride and groom don't want us coming alone (e.g. either DH or I) in the event we can't find childcare.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2021 18:28

Local wedding, friends regularly uses Mom for childcare etc, yes it sounds like an excuse

Lots of kids, young kids, SN kids, long distance so talking several days etc is understand